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  #11  
Old 07-10-2014, 04:38 PM
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siead_lietrathua siead_lietrathua is offline
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first off, many many hugs. it sucks when any relationship ends, especially a long one. let's just say there is similar poly drama happening here, and you get mad empathy and cookies from me.

secondly, i think that if you and your ex-primary find that you are both in such different places, and he's unwilling to compromise his positions, then i think i agree with you on the "+1" thing. it reads almost like you've slipped from his primary, to his unicorn for a quad. if he's been with you so long he should be willing to listen more to your feelings, even with the NRE from ali/al. plus, if you aren't feeling ali/al are the right partners for you (with the kids and etc it makes me wonder) then a quad may not have been the best arrangement.
it's never healthy to be with a partner that attempts to control you without compromise, and he should know not all of us love the same way or are ok with restrictions. and, to me, it seems worrisome that him and the other quad members almost ganged up on you to sway your opinion, including wanting to enforce contracts on new/ different partners. partnership requires conversation not contracts, and it really does seem like a total communication breakdown happened.

at this point i wonder if maybe having them as a triad with you as an open partner to them may be the way to make it work if you did want to be with the three of them, but if your primary is as possessive as he seems, he would never go for it. :/


and side note: either way you're husband is an ass for disparaging online relationships. not only for the hypocrisy, but because it's just a dick-ass thing to think that feelings don't matter with a keyboard. sigh.
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  #12  
Old 07-10-2014, 07:47 PM
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Ghel Ghel is offline
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Originally Posted by SkullKing View Post
I am a bit worried though. Your "Mr. Goodhair" thread at CS gave me the impression that there is some instability regarding your job. Donīt show him any vulnerability, if he is half a sleazy as he seems.

Please take care of yourself.
Thanks for the support. On the job front, it's feeling much more stable now. I've finally gotten the training I needed and deserved.

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Originally Posted by patiokitty View Post
As for the whole online relationship vs. RL relationship issue - some of my very best friends are people I have never met face to face, closer to me than my RL friends. Definitely be careful when meeting anybody you first met online, but that is fairly standard advice anyway.
Thanks for the support. I totally agree with this. I don't share personally identifiable information online until I've gotten to know someone really well, but those relationships that started online where we've gotten close are as real to me as any RL friends.

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Originally Posted by siead_lietrathua View Post
secondly, i think that if you and your ex-primary find that you are both in such different places, and he's unwilling to compromise his positions, then i think i agree with you on the "+1" thing. it reads almost like you've slipped from his primary, to his unicorn for a quad. if he's been with you so long he should be willing to listen more to your feelings, even with the NRE from ali/al. plus, if you aren't feeling ali/al are the right partners for you (with the kids and etc it makes me wonder) then a quad may not have been the best arrangement.
Thanks for the support. Yeah, it felt like I was being asked to "marry" (well, make a long-term relationship commitment) the other couple after having only known them for a few months. I was fine with moving nearer to them, getting to know them more, having a casual relationship with them, etc. but I felt like I was being forced into a situation I didn't choose.
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  #13  
Old 07-11-2014, 12:17 AM
BlaqueKatt BlaqueKatt is offline
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Originally Posted by Ghel View Post
Yeah, it felt like I was being asked to "marry" (well, make a long-term relationship commitment) the other couple after having only known them for a few months. I was fine with moving nearer to them, getting to know them more, having a casual relationship with them, etc. but I felt like I was being forced into a situation I didn't choose.
To me as an outsider, it seems your STBEH was just using you as a "means to an end" or bartering tool, so to speak. As in he wanted a relationship with ali, but al wouldn't put his parner "up for grabs" without reciprocation, and this was discussed and agreed upon without you present.

I think you've seen his true colors, he wants his cake, to eat it, and to decide who HE wants to share it with, when the cake has its own mind.

My ex was fine with the relationship being opened up for him, but not me, because he didn't want anyone touching *his* wife, yup I wasn't an autonomous being, I was a possession of his.

And being a bigot is worse than being called out on it, but it meant he couldn't BS himself or anyone else about being a "good" person anymore, which makes people mad at the person calling them on their shitty behaviour, because they now have to face an unpleasantness(cognitive dissonance).

You'll be fine, your record of making it through bad situations is s far 100%, those are really good odds!
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  #14  
Old 07-11-2014, 02:32 AM
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HYHYBT HYHYBT is offline
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I almost get the impression they only kept you in this long for the money. Regardless.... I'm sorry you're going through such a mess, and hoping things turn out well in the end.
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  #15  
Old 07-11-2014, 02:29 PM
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Ghel Ghel is offline
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Thanks for the support, BlaqueKatt and HYHYBT.

I don't think money is the issue, exactly. Even though I'm making more than any of the rest of them. My STBEH (thanks for that, BlaqueKatt ) agreed to cash out his retirement fund so that the mortgage won't go past due. Neither of us wants those lates, or worse a foreclosure, on our credit.

[quick background for this bit] Ali, my husband, and I each have separate Facebook accounts for Second Life and real life. I'm mostly in the closet about being pansexual and polyamorous in my real life, but in the relative anonymity of SL, I'm out. [/bg]

I don't know if Ali was being vindictive or simply unthinking, but she posted selfies of her, my husband, and her kids, and tagged my STBEH's RL Facebook. Normally, it would mean lots of awkward questions, but considering the circumstances, it'll make it really easy to explain to people why I'm filing for divorce. He's living in TN with his girlfriend. Photographic evidence right there on his FB wall where anybody can see it.
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  #16  
Old 07-13-2014, 02:45 AM
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siead_lietrathua siead_lietrathua is offline
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Originally Posted by Ghel View Post
I don't know if Ali was being vindictive or simply unthinking, but she posted selfies of her, my husband, and her kids, and tagged my STBEH's RL Facebook. Normally, it would mean lots of awkward questions, but considering the circumstances, it'll make it really easy to explain to people why I'm filing for divorce. He's living in TN with his girlfriend. Photographic evidence right there on his FB wall where anybody can see it.
awkward... not cool that she outed you/ your ex. people will probably just assume he cheated so you left. might be best to let them have that assumption, give a little vindictiveness back
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  #17  
Old 07-17-2014, 02:30 PM
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Ghel Ghel is offline
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So... my STBEH and I can't even get divorced without arguing.

I got a letter from the legal aid place yesterday. They turned me down because I make too much money. I told STBEH and his response was, "just hire a paralegal." Setting aside that a paralegal wouldn't be able to do much more than I could, I can't afford the $400 in court costs to file the divorce (if I do the documentation myself). How am I supposed to afford another $300 (his estimate) to hire a paralegal? It looks like I'm going to have to wait until the house is sold and use some of the proceeds from the sale to file the divorce.

I also paid bills last night. Since I only make about half of what my husband did before he quit his last full-time job, and our savings account is drained from paying the bills while he's been out of work, I was only able to pay part of the bills that are due. I concentrated on paying my bills, of course. I texted my STBEH with what I had paid and what I can't afford to pay. He claimed he would pay the rest of them, but he doesn't have any money in his checking account. I asked if he got the paperwork to cash in his retirement, but he didn't respond.

I would like to say it's not my problem any more, but it is. If he doesn't pay the mortgage by the end of the month, those lates are going to show up on my credit report, too. The collection calls will come to the house phone. The only way I could pay the mortgage is if I didn't pay any of the other bills.

Then he messaged me to say that he still loves me. I told him I still love him, too, but I don't see us working things out. He said "not if we're not working for each other." Right, because we can overcome all of our differences if we just work hard on our relationship. Just ignore that I don't want to be with someone who tries to manipulate and control me, and who spouts sexist and homophobic remarks about me and those that I love.
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Last edited by Ghel; 07-17-2014 at 02:33 PM.
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  #18  
Old 07-17-2014, 05:58 PM
SkullKing SkullKing is offline
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I am sorry to hear that, I didnīt know divorces were so expensive when mutual.

Do you think he would go so far as witholding the funds you need to pay the mortgage in order to control you, since he already has a new place to live?
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  #19  
Old 07-17-2014, 07:15 PM
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I don't think so, but only because he doesn't want lates showing on his credit, either.
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  #20  
Old 07-17-2014, 07:24 PM
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crashhelmet crashhelmet is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghel View Post
So... my STBEH and I can't even get divorced without arguing.

I got a letter from the legal aid place yesterday. They turned me down because I make too much money. I told STBEH and his response was, "just hire a paralegal." Setting aside that a paralegal wouldn't be able to do much more than I could, I can't afford the $400 in court costs to file the divorce (if I do the documentation myself). How am I supposed to afford another $300 (his estimate) to hire a paralegal? It looks like I'm going to have to wait until the house is sold and use some of the proceeds from the sale to file the divorce.

*SNIP*
There are web sites like legalzoom.com that will walk you through it all. They are expensive, but cheaper than hiring someone to do it for you.

There are also the DIY kits for sale at places like Office Depot, like this one for $32. Outside of that, I think you only need to pay whatever State and/or County filing fees.
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