Polyamory and marriage (long question)

[Greenday]

Ugh, I'm arguing over this right now with someone else. His only reasoning as to why it's wrong is "because it's illegal?"

I'm pretty sure people dislike polygamy and polyamory for the same reasons they dislike communism: they've just been told all their lives it's bad so it must be bad.

[jedimaster91]

Is it wrong to be married and still love someone other than your spouse CONSIDERING that all you OR your spouse has ever done/said is that I love this other person and has not done anything more than hugged said person.

Absolutely not. We all have relationships and connections with some people that developed before we met/married/got with our spouse/long term partner. Just because one is in an exclusive, monogomous relationship doesn't mean those previous connections go away. However, there are boundaries that shouldn't be crossed such as relying on an outside connection more so than your spouse. And physical cheating.

I have seen people in such relationships. It is a possibility but somewhat difficult to maintain. Alot say its wrong, its against god and the bible.
Well, how is it wrong if no marriage vows were broken and no real cheating went on? All that the one spouse has done has admitted to loving another person emotionally and all involved know. Is it even more wrong when all involved know and are ok with it?

It's something you have to be careful with because if you're not, it could lead to marriage vows getting broken.

And does sex complicate it and make it a sin?

It definitely complicates it. As for it being a sin or not, that depends on who you ask, but in my opinion, yes it is.

God made us in his image yes? Which means god gave us free will to feel, to have emotions and to express and be as we are, <snip> If god didn't want us to love more than one person emotionally or otherwise then we wouldn't have that free will, we wouldn't be made in his image which is that of a loving kind god.

Like any good parent, God has set boundaries. Sure, we are free to feel and free to act. But we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions. Those consequences may or may not happen right away, but they are there. You have to decide if the possible consequences are worth the action. For me, losing my husband's trust isn't worth it, so I try to avoid situations that might look bad.

[evilfarmer]

My DH and I were in a poly relationship with 2 other women. What we have found through 3 yrs of it is that our relationship to each other has to come first and that both of us have to know and like the new person before adding someone to our lives. Its not perfect nor is it easy and we have both been hurt and are now with just one woman. Both of us were raised in monogamous Christian relationships but our lives are between us and God. Leah and Rachel from the bible were married to the same man and as one thread mentioned on here you can prove or disprove just about anything with that book. As long as everyone understands and agrees to the situation I have never seen an issue with loving more then one person.

[Mytical]

This is a .. difficult subject for me to express in any way that will make sense. However, I will try to do so.

There are many factors that you have to consider, but they are internal..and not external. It doesn't matter what OTHERS think, to be honest, but what the people in the relationship think.

For instance. I am a person who loves everybody, until they do me wrong. No, not sexually, but emotionally. While straight, I feel that you have to have an open heart, and care for everybody you can. People call this 'wearing your heart on your sleeve'. So yes, I get hurt .. a lot. I know rambling, will try to get back to the point.

I am in a relationship with somebody who believes in Monogamy. So it is a monogamous relationship. If you love and respect somebody, you have to love and respect their thoughts on the matter.

So .. since everybody in the relationship seems ok with it, it doesn't matter what the church thinks. Or anybody else for that matter. Even thinking about 'legality'. Because nobody is married to multiple partners, so the legality of it is a moot point (I won't get into the fratch about what I think about some peoples ideas on marriage).

If it is 1) Consensual 2) Doesn't involve anybody who does not know enough to decide (young children and the like) 3) the people involved are happy..then (pardon the language) screw everybody else. Flip them the bird, tell them to mind their own business, and move on.

As to the 'religion' aspect. I am not a christian, so I can't speak for them. However, if I remember right .. god is love right? He (or she ) is ALL about love..right? Then why the flying flip would He (or she) care?

[guywithashovel]

When I stop and think about it, I suspect that I must be a magnet for women with polyamorous attitudes, because I can't tell you how many times I've had women in committed relationships befriend me and act flirty with me. I know I've mentioned that before, but it's relevant to this thread. Plus, I like to repeat it because it really gets on my nerves.

Honestly, this topic is foreign territory to me. I've always believed in monogamy. It's how I was raised. Also, even though I lean to the left on multiple issues, I tend to have a pretty traditional view of relationships and marriage. The only non-traditional view I have on the subject is that I don't want to have kids. Aside from that, I hope to have a fairly traditional relationship and marriage. I am a little flexible, though. If she wanted a long-term period of engagement or boyfriend/girlfriend status before marriage was discussed, I could accept that. Also, if we got married, and she didn't want to take my name, I could accept that, too.

Back to the original subject, though, I'm not sure how I'd handle this if I got into a relationship with someone who was like this. Even though my family isn't all that religious, most of them are pretty traditional. Most of the married people in my family have traditional, monogamous marriages, though several of them have no children (their choice). I just wasn't conditioned to see that polyamory was a reality.

I'm not sure how I'd react if my girlfriend or wife said to me what Kaylyn said to her husband. Honestly, I'd probably be hurt. When i think about it, I'd probably freeze up. That's not to say anything bad about Kaylyn. Just stating my feelings.

[Andara Bledin]

was told its not cheating if all involved know about it and are ok with it so yeah.

That has always been my view.

I am a person who loves everybody, until they do me wrong. No, not sexually, but emotionally. While straight, I feel that you have to have an open heart, and care for everybody you can. People call this 'wearing your heart on your sleeve'. So yes, I get hurt .. a lot.

As to the 'religion' aspect. I am not a christian, so I can't speak for them. However, if I remember right .. god is love right? He (or she ) is ALL about love..right? Then why the flying flip would He (or she) care?

Other than the religion angle (I am absolutely Christian), you have just said everything I had planned to say.

Agape is the term for non-sexual love.

I am another that has polyamorous tendencies. I am also quite vehemently anti-cheating. Relationships are built on trust and respect, and when one party is cheating, then there is no foundation and the relationship is doomed to collapse eventually.

^-.-^

[LexiaFira]

I don't have much to add to this beyond the whole trust is a big issue with me and I am still trying hard to learn to trust more easily yet not ignore my instincts when something doesn't feel right. (IE a person could be all nice and polite but if it rubs me the wrong way I will ask people that know that person)

Otherwise right now anything I could add would be rambling as I'm trying to make sure I am ok with me before continuing in any other relationships outside of my marriage

[Andara Bledin]

I don't have much to add to this beyond the whole trust is a big issue with me and I am still trying hard to learn to trust more easily yet not ignore my instincts when something doesn't feel right.

Always trust the way you feel in relationships.

It doesn't matter how trustworthy another is if they make you feel uncomfortable. Any lack of comfort that goes beyond the usual compromises one makes when sharing their life with others can poison a relationship and can be harmful to everybody involved, both emotionally and physically.

As far as I'm concerned, the first rule of any relationship is honesty. Honestly with oneself, first, and honesty with one's partner(s) directly after.

^-.-^