That wasn't a hint

[jackfaire]

Guy's are expected to go up to a girl they like and ask her out. No matter what age and regardless of if you have any sign that she actually likes you or not.

Girl's are expected to be asked out and to give "hints" that aren't really hints.

For example: Kissing a guy that the girl likes is a hint. Hugging him is not. Why because lots of girls hug their male friends for absolutely no reason than that's something they do. This makes a hug not a hint.

In my life I have many times had girls come up to me after they started dating other guys and wonder "Why didn't you ever get my hints?"

These hints included

"I wouldn't mind dating someone shorter than me" Said by every single one of my female friends that was taller than most guys. When said by the one girl that actually wanted to date me and meant "I would love to date you" It's not a hint.

"I would love to date a guy who is (fill in description given by every female friend of every good guy she would like to date" Is not a hint but the girl that likes you thinks you will realize that she is the one in girl out of all of the ones saying the same "I want a good guy" that means you.

I bring this up because I recently downloaded the Whisper App and I noticed that women are still playing the "He's not getting my hints should I give up"

Even worse there are people advising "If he's not responding to your hints he's not into you"

The thing is Hints don't work because every "hint" is something another girl uses as a "this is how I am" This creates a situation where guys have been conditioned to "not be creepy" "don't read too much into it" and kills a lot of potential relationships before they start.

I have a female friend who flirts with every single guy she knows. It's just how she is. But the only guys she hints that she likes them are the guys whose laps she sits in.

Problem is? There are girls that like to sit in guys laps even if they don't like the guy in that way.

We have spent years being told to not assume things about a girl's "hints" and a great deal of us have taken these lessons to heart. So the girls need to step up and stop using hints.

Instead of doing something you think is a flag to let us know you're interested just say you are. Ask us out on a date. Seriously if a guy is threatened by that he's probably not right for you anyway.

Don't give up because we don't understand that out of the 20 girls that hugged us today you really meant it. And it's not because we are men so we're dumb and just don't get hints.

We get hints we do but we have been told that anytime they actually mean something is the exception not the rule. A stupid example if every week on the lunch menu for Friday was a picture of Fish Sticks and for three Fridays of the month there were no fish sticks then you would think "Oh okay that picture doesn't mean anything it was just a decoration" and would be utterly shocked when the fourth Friday you left your lunch money at home brought a sack lunch and surprise this Friday there are Fish sticks.

So instead of hints just speak your mind. As much as you say "I'm not a mind reader" well guess what neither are we.

[Ghel]

I mostly agree with you, Jackfaire. And I get where you're coming from. I also don't like hints, and I'm a woman. I would much rather people came out and said clearly what they wanted to say to me, good or bad, instead of hinting about it. And I've gotten this from both men and women (in relationship situations, in friendship situations, and at work). Perhaps men's hinting isn't as subtle, but they do it, too.

OTOH, I can see why some people do it, especially in dating/relationship situations. The hinter is putting themselves out there, in a vulnerable situation. Let's say they want to date someone, but they don't want to actually ask the person out for fear of rejection. So they hint about it instead and blame the other person if they don't get the hints. They feel like they've kept control of the situation and get to play the victim if it doesn't go the way they want. It sucks, but I can see why they do it.

[Greenday]

As I've had to explain to numerous females, we cannot take hints. We don't do subtle hints. We don't do "obvious" hints. Just tell us what you want. If it's not important enough to say flat out, it's not important period as far as I'm concerned.

[D_Yeti_Esquire]

@Ghel - yea, I think you're right about why hinters do it. Its sort of like ghosting - its a behavior that steps out the side door to achieve an end without the risk.

For me, my main concern is mainly I think we're teaching in college a lot of ideas about enthusiastic consent, personal space, nice guy behavior, etc. So I think having a pretense of the idea of "hints" being appropriate tends to undercut that. Because for a man to actually pick them up quite often, we're talking about a man having to "cold" read amorous signals from a supposed friend. And that's the exact space where internet-definition "nice guys" come from. So you're running the double danger of men in friendships waiting for a signal and men reading the wrong signal and violating personal space.

I think its a really big cog in the machine that a lot of women really want to dismantle, but a lot of women really like having it as an option.