Coupling in 2018

[D_Yeti_Esquire]

So this just struck me after reading this article (although by no means do you need to comment specifically on this article.)

https://jezebel.com/?startTime=1532450700747

One of the top comments spoke about "transition" and it got me thinking. In 2018, is sex and dating mostly something we're increasingly driving both men and women to unrealistically think about? That is we have someone like Korducki extolling the feminist nature of the "shallow" breakup, while at the same time we have Incels entitled to sex and commitment.

Is it possible that that both sexes are driving their own demographics into unrealistic expectations about what the other should and should not do? Is it a woman's job to provide sex? It is it a man's job to provide emotional stability to a whimsical partner. Are we extolling what are essentially shitty people as models for what should be ok?

[s_stabeler]

Is it a woman's job to provide sex?

It's not quite that simple. I'd side-eye a woman who expected celibacy from their husband, for example, but equally, that doesn't mean that being married to someone removes the need to consent.

Is it a man's job to provide emotional stability to a whimsical partner.

Again, it's not that simple. If you knew going into the marriage that your partner was whimsical, then yes, it's arguable you can't complain they don't change. Conversely, if you didn't know beforehand, then no, you don't need to put up with it.

[Greenday]

I'm going to need the actual article for reference as I honestly have no idea what this thread is specifically talking about. The link in the OP is just the current list of stories and the top one is about how some Jane Austin novel was bought by some rich prince.

[D_Yeti_Esquire]

Ugh - sorry all. I bailed on the thread and it was a good article but you're right, that's not what I posted.

The original Korducki link should have been: https://pictorial.jezebel.com/dump-h...n-t-1827748508


In the meantime I actually found another interesting article about the usual thing: men inflating their sexual conquest numbers (seems common sense to me) but what I actually found fascinating was the dynamics of Tinder. That while men cast a wide net (expected), women on average are only contacting 1 in 5 men and they are the same 1 in 5. So women are competing for the same 20% of guys. This actually flies in the face of one of the most frequent refrains I've heard from my women friends (and which I still mostly believe as this is a very specific sample) that women's preferences are vastly different.

https://www.cnn.com/2018/09/06/healt...ner/index.html

Anyway, it was stuff like this why I started the thread. It's not so much one thing, rather I'm fascinated by the factors that contribute to what often is both men and women increasingly frustrated with the "other" in relation to dating/relationships.

I don't have a solution, but when I see stuff like this and consider stuff like r/Braincels/ r/inceltears existence or general assumptions we make such as what men and women tend to want, I wonder if half the reason it's so complex is we're not being honest about the actual situation. That is, we actively contribute to a toxic body of knowledge about opposing sexes which actively thwarts people (with the inclination) of finding each other because it's both highly biased and factually inaccurate.

That said, I'll also plead ignorance. Outside of Tinder (which probably skews towards one night stand sites which distorts the sample) and dating sites, I'm not sure what is the most common way people find each other these days. Work used to be semi-common. Random meeting is perilous and not wanted. So is the fact more people are choosing to be single because single is inherently better, or are we just not setting realistic expectations of what a relationship looks like and what the average man or woman is or wants?

[TheHuckster]

In the meantime I actually found another interesting article about the usual thing: men inflating their sexual conquest numbers (seems common sense to me) but what I actually found fascinating was the dynamics of Tinder. That while men cast a wide net (expected), women on average are only contacting 1 in 5 men and they are the same 1 in 5. So women are competing for the same 20% of guys. This actually flies in the face of one of the most frequent refrains I've heard from my women friends (and which I still mostly believe as this is a very specific sample) that women's preferences are vastly different.

It's hard to say who is to blame for that. Maybe 80% of the men on Tinder have seriously horrible profiles with a wall of lame pickup lines that no woman would find at all attractive.

I don't have a solution, but when I see stuff like this and consider stuff like r/Braincels/ r/inceltears existence or general assumptions we make such as what men and women tend to want, I wonder if half the reason it's so complex is we're not being honest about the actual situation. That is, we actively contribute to a toxic body of knowledge about opposing sexes which actively thwarts people (with the inclination) of finding each other because it's both highly biased and factually inaccurate.

In the case of "nice guys" (what I'd call the larval stage of an incel), I think that's partially true. I was never a full blown "nice guy" in my earlier years, but I did have some poor understanding of how relationships were born. And I think a lot of it came from movie and TV show portrayals on the subject.

That said, I'll also plead ignorance. Outside of Tinder (which probably skews towards one night stand sites which distorts the sample) and dating sites, I'm not sure what is the most common way people find each other these days. Work used to be semi-common. Random meeting is perilous and not wanted. So is the fact more people are choosing to be single because single is inherently better, or are we just not setting realistic expectations of what a relationship looks like and what the average man or woman is or wants?

I found my wife on a dating site. I know several others who met their significant others online, too. The consensus I got was that there is very rarely love at first sight and you go through a lot of communication and dates before you really find the right one. And I think those two big things are what incels and "nice guys" completely miss. From the most heinous examples on reddit, anyway, it demonstrates that there's this notion that all you have to do is smile and wave (or some go totally bold and send a dick pic) and somehow everything else falls into place. I don't know if they get that from romcoms or what, but that is very rarely the case in the real world.