Mocking a whiny child

[DrFaroohk]

I've recently discovered a technique that works for getting my stepson to stop whining, but I don't know if its a really good idea.

Basically we hate whining. I used to just ignore it. My wife still does, because its annoying. And we don't want him to get the message that whining gets him what he wants. I've been trying to get the opposite message across, that it doesn't matter what it is, whining means automatic NO.

That didn't work so well. It just prolonged whining. We even tried punishments. "if you keep whining about this, you're going to your room."

"But WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

Then I discovered that basically mocking him will shut him up immediately. Of course it pisses him off to no end, but still, it cuts out the whinies doesn't it? I just wonder if its considered "abuse" anywhere. It's not like I'm insulting him or telling him bad th ings, I just repeat what he says in an exaggeration of his own whiny voice. It works!

[McDreidel09]

I'm kinda torn about this.

My first stepdad would mock me when I cried. It made my crying go on longer because he was being a bully. It was him in the first place who started my crying.

However, my case is extreme.

Perhaps to some people, you mocking your child would be seen as bullying. Probably depending on the situation. My mom, if any of us would whine, she would go "Oh whine whine whine." That made us realize we were whining and we would stop.

[Nyoibo]

If a kid's just being a brat it's fine.

[guywithashovel]

I hesitate on saying this, since I'm not a parent myself, but I'm a little worried that mocking him could cause some bad blood between the two of you. Maybe I'm just being too pessimistic, though.

[blas87]

I say it to adults all the time, why not kids?

Everyone's gotta learn when they need to quit playing the world's smallest violin and knock it the hell off sometimes.

[Boozy]

How old is your step-son?

I'd say mocking very young children isn't the best idea, but some harmless teasing of older children isn't a problem for me.

It depends on what you say and how mature your son is.

[Sunsetsky]

My dad did it to me as a kid. It did got me to stop whinning and actually lightened the situation up a bit.

[telecom_goddess]

I say it to adults all the time, why not kids?

Everyone's gotta learn when they need to quit playing the world's smallest violin and knock it the hell off sometimes.

Yeah....what she said

[Savannah]

The fact that you are concerned about it and asking if it is a good idea is probably a sign that it is not the best response.

Maybe try, "I'm sorry, I don't respond to whining. If you want to try again in a few minutes in a normal tone, we can talk about it." Then ignore any whining. That way he knows why you are ignoring him and gives him an option other than whining to get what he wants. (Note that the answer to talking about it in a normal tone can still be "no".)

Also, I notice that you say that ignoring produces longer whining. There is something called an "extinction bust" where a behavior that is being ignored will increase before it decreases, because the child is trying to get a response (and doesn't yet realize that their behavior will not get a response). I don't know if that is what is happening with your son, but if it is, the whining will go away eventually (as long as it is consistently ignored).

[Aethian]

Maybe try, "I'm sorry, I don't respond to whining. If you want to try again in a few minutes in a normal tone, we can talk about it." Then ignore any whining. That way he knows why you are ignoring him and gives him an option other than whining to get what he wants. (Note that the answer to talking about it in a normal tone can still be "no".)

I second this because it will show the child that whining isn't the way to get what you want.

[DrFaroohk]

I've done the "we'll talk about it when you're not whining" and stuff like that, which doesn't usually work, because once he''s reached whiny mode he's basically shut off from all other input. you could even tell him "Hey ok I'll give you everything you want and ice cream too!" and he still won't respond, he just goes nuts.

When I do the "mocking", basically it takes a 30 minute tantrum and condenses it to five minutes, because it pisses him off so much he'll go into his room, scream, cry, freak out, and then he's better because he got the rage out of his system. then he's usually willing to talk and listen and compromise.

[phantasy]

My aunt used to mock me, but I didn't whine. When I was a child, I used to be very quiet, and not have too much emotion on my face. When I did something wrong, or forget a chore, she would sit me down and start yelling, hitting the table and shaking me, but I wouldn't cry or give a reaction. Then she would ask what was wrong with me, why was I just an emotionless fuck-up and I would say "nothing" and "I'm not". Then she would mock me, and it made me feel so worthless and horrible. I wouldn't get mad, but it was these actions from her that made me lose all respect for her and hate her until this very day.

I'm very against mocking little children, its rude and seems childish. I realize that tantrums and whiny moments will happen, but if my child is a very whiny child, he will learn very early that that it not how this family works. He wants to throw a tanrum about this, and he can learn "action and consequence". They're never too young to learn this. They learn the same way they learn "cause and effect", which are the same in essence.

[RavenStarr]

My aunt used to mock me, but I didn't whine. When I was a child, I used to be very quiet, and not have too much emotion on my face. When I did something wrong, or forget a chore, she would sit me down and start yelling, hitting the table and shaking me, but I wouldn't cry or give a reaction. Then she would ask what was wrong with me, why was I just an emotionless fuck-up and I would say "nothing" and "I'm not". Then she would mock me, and it made me feel so worthless and horrible. I wouldn't get mad, but it was these actions from her that made me lose all respect for her and hate her until this very day.

.

Phantasy what your Aunt did was downright horrible. Have you ever confronted her about this. If so what did she say?

[Rebel]

Depending on how old the child is, they may not have the mental capacity to understand or even recognize compromise and explanations when they're whining or throwing a tantrum. When they're whining or throwing a tantrum, they're just continuing what they've been doing since infancy. Crying was they're only form of communication to express what they wanted, be it a clean nappy or food. Young children are also easily frustrated because they have yet to learn self control.

Regarding whining back at the child, it would depend. Some children may be embarrassed to have their parent react back at them in the same manner, so they'll stop. Some may see it as a challenge and so they'll whine more. Some may see it as an attack on them, so they'll cry.

When my brother was about 4 years old, my mum took him grocery shopping with her. In the candy aisle he wanted some chocolate. My mum said no. He then proceeded to throw an epic temper tantrum. He was flat on the ground kicking his feet and punching his fists into the ground and screaming like crazy. A crowd formed around them.
What did my mum do?
She laughed at him. Full bodied laughter, tears in her eyes, barely able to catch her breath.
My brother noticed her laughing, noticed the crowd around him and stopped his tantrum immediately and ran back to get a hug from my mum. He was embarrassed.
My mum never bought any chocolate for him, and on the car ride home, she explained about why tantrums were not a good way to get what you want. He never threw another tantrum again.

Again, every child is different, every parent is different. If something works for you, as long as the child is later informed of why you reacted like you did, then it should be fine. Parenting is a different set of challenges for different people and you can't compare any two families. If you have a problem with how you're reacting to your child's whining then stop doing it, but you shouldn't worry too much about what strangers think of you doing it.

[phantasy]

Phantasy what your Aunt did was downright horrible. Have you ever confronted her about this. If so what did she say?

I mived out and have never seen her again. I'm doing SO much better without her in my life.

@rebel: You're right. No two families are the same. And no two children are the same. One child might act differently to one treatment then another child does, even if it's the same exact treatment.

It also didn't help that I was a stubborn child. I was extremely smart (where that went, I've no idea) but when I made a decision, I stuck to it like permanent superglue. To this day, there are certain things that I made decisions about as a young child and have not changed.