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I see a lot of really good points in here. I'd say Arcade Man D has a point, for example, that straight guys who sleep around aren't usually called out on being sluts. Their buddies pat them on the back and congratulate them on their conquests. And yes, to a degree, straight men who sleep around are 'studs' and straight women who sleep around are 'sluts', but I think these are both usually the straight male viewpoint.
Again, many points in this thread so far that I wholeheartedly agree with. Gay people have been pushed for years to believe that not only who they love and have sex with but who they inherently are as people is wrong and shameful. So there's that factor to consider in why you'd rather have hook-ups than a long-term relationship. Let's review:
-- Your straight, dating buddy at work can tell everyone in his social group and at work about his cute, fun, sweet, awesome girlfriend, and can bring said girlfriend to bars, clubs, social gatherings, picnics and the like and, at these places, hold her hand, hug, even sneak a kiss.
--You, the gay guy, can't. Eww, that's gross. We don't want to hear about that. Have you looked for treatment? Not where kids can see! The Bible says... Or, at the very least, Please don't tell me about that.
The straight guy can give very open and direct indications that he's straight. The gay guy can't give the same indications - not more extreme, I mean the exact same - and expect the same sort of non-reactions. It just doesn't happen (yet). Gay guys in steady relationships can't tell everyone that straight guys can - and for anyone who's been in a steady relationship knows, par for the course is introducing your partner to your friends, asking your friends for advice, and chatting about being in a relationship with others who've been in relationships. If you take risks when doing that, it puts a damper on the excitement. If the risks you take include open ridicule, mockery, shunning by your peers, and in some cases outright hatred or even violence... You see where I'm going with this.
The gay promiscuity thing started way back, a hundred or more years ago, when you DID NOT, under ANY circumstances, EVER tell ANYONE you were gay. Hatred? In some places, homosexual activity was outright against the law. So gay men found places like bathhouses where they could get some fun and not get caught, shamed, beaten and/or arrested. If it's tough today to be in a long-term gay relationship, it was much harder then. A few gay men were lucky enough to pass themselves off as happy bachelors. And it went from there. There's also, I think, a kind of thrill factor, when your sexual orientation is shunned, to be sneaking around having gay sex...and nobody knows about it. Shhhh. Me personally, I never went in for that, but I know it exists.
Gay BARS are interesting. Number one straight guys' rule in gay bars: If you want to go to a gay bar, and you're male, you're going to get hit on. HOWEVER-- Number one rule of pickups for gay men: Gay guys don't WANT to hit on straight guys; it's a dead end. We don't get delicious pleasure from freaking them out. It's pointless. If you're straight, unless you wear an "I'm straight and dating a girl" shirt**, you'll eventually get hit on, somewhere, because gay guys don't KNOW you're not gay - therefore, if you're cute and they're brave, you might be worth asking. And if you're straight and a gay guy hits on you, be polite in turning him down; remember, he had no indication that you're straight, more than likely.
**Number two straight guys' rule in a gay bar: Do NOT wear an "I'm straight and married" shirt to a gay bar. As noted above, many gay guys, like many straight guys, get off on dangerous thrills. A few of the wilder gay guys have fantasies about getting it on with straight, married guys, and a few of the wilder straight, married guys have fantasies about getting a sneaky, "experimental" quickie with a gay guy. Going to a gay bar, alone, and professing too openly to be a married guy may make you a magnet for the crazier gay guys who'd just love to give you that extra somethin' somethin' your GF is lacking...or something like that.
Gay bars and promiscuity: It's the public face. But it's not necessarily the best slice of the pie, or the most representative of it. I see loads of straight, lez and gay couples at my local gay bar (a massive three-story affair called R Place). Yeah, there are loads of guys there looking for hook-ups and one-night-stands, but at the same time, go to your average local college bar and I guarantee at least half the 20something straight guys in there are eyeing that buxom blonde shakin' it on the dance floor and hoping they can pick up their next "conquest" (aka one-night-stand or fuckbuddy).
Gay Pride events: Again, see above. Gay guys live in a society where what they are is painted as shameful. Don't tell anyone. Don't hold hands in public. Don't do this, don't do that. If you do, and you're alone, you might just get yanked into an alley and whacked in the head a few times for daring to be a "fag". So once a year, a whole crapload of gay guys get together and go "If you're going to make us be as quiet, unassuming and hidden 99% of the year, this one day we're going to be as loud, wild and in-your-face as possible". It is absolutely not a slice of real gay life - it's an intentional caricature, a celebration of being able to be whatever pops into your head - NO MATTER HOW CRAZY - and not just not get laughed at, but be surrounded by hundreds of other people being as crazy as you are. And while I don't do anything bizarre myself, I do march with a PFLAG* contingent in the local city parade, and it's a real rush to march past crowds of people - gay, straight and whatever - who support you in being whatever you really are.
For the record, I'm bisexual, and in a long-term, committed relationship. I've been with my guy since about '07, and I don't forsee that changing anytime sooner or later - nor would I want it to. He's awesome. Before that, I dated a fair few guys and girls, but they were all relationships; I never liked hook-ups. And yeah, we bisexual guys definitely don't usually have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend. Unless we're poly, which I'm not.
*For those who don't know, PFLAG (stands for Parents, Families, Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is an advocacy group that assists parents and supporters. Your son just came out and you're at a loss - what will the neighbors say? Does this mean I won't have grandkids? Is my church going to kick us out? PFLAG is there as a support group, to answer questions and act as a backbone. I and my family are heavily involved. And for those who still say you'll never have gay-supporting churches that don't pull the "love the sinner, hate the sin" thing, our chapter's PFLAG paperwork is stored in a local Baptist church, and meetings happen in that church and in an Episcopal church in a local town, the local city branch of which (Cathedral) also has a gay/lesbian singles' group and a gay pastor. If you're looking for a church that will really, honestly accept you, those are good options. Where are these particular churches? Those reading my post carefully should find at least one thing to Google to figure out what big city I'm near.
Again, many points in this thread so far that I wholeheartedly agree with. Gay people have been pushed for years to believe that not only who they love and have sex with but who they inherently are as people is wrong and shameful. So there's that factor to consider in why you'd rather have hook-ups than a long-term relationship. Let's review:
-- Your straight, dating buddy at work can tell everyone in his social group and at work about his cute, fun, sweet, awesome girlfriend, and can bring said girlfriend to bars, clubs, social gatherings, picnics and the like and, at these places, hold her hand, hug, even sneak a kiss.
--You, the gay guy, can't. Eww, that's gross. We don't want to hear about that. Have you looked for treatment? Not where kids can see! The Bible says... Or, at the very least, Please don't tell me about that.
The straight guy can give very open and direct indications that he's straight. The gay guy can't give the same indications - not more extreme, I mean the exact same - and expect the same sort of non-reactions. It just doesn't happen (yet). Gay guys in steady relationships can't tell everyone that straight guys can - and for anyone who's been in a steady relationship knows, par for the course is introducing your partner to your friends, asking your friends for advice, and chatting about being in a relationship with others who've been in relationships. If you take risks when doing that, it puts a damper on the excitement. If the risks you take include open ridicule, mockery, shunning by your peers, and in some cases outright hatred or even violence... You see where I'm going with this.
The gay promiscuity thing started way back, a hundred or more years ago, when you DID NOT, under ANY circumstances, EVER tell ANYONE you were gay. Hatred? In some places, homosexual activity was outright against the law. So gay men found places like bathhouses where they could get some fun and not get caught, shamed, beaten and/or arrested. If it's tough today to be in a long-term gay relationship, it was much harder then. A few gay men were lucky enough to pass themselves off as happy bachelors. And it went from there. There's also, I think, a kind of thrill factor, when your sexual orientation is shunned, to be sneaking around having gay sex...and nobody knows about it. Shhhh. Me personally, I never went in for that, but I know it exists.
Gay BARS are interesting. Number one straight guys' rule in gay bars: If you want to go to a gay bar, and you're male, you're going to get hit on. HOWEVER-- Number one rule of pickups for gay men: Gay guys don't WANT to hit on straight guys; it's a dead end. We don't get delicious pleasure from freaking them out. It's pointless. If you're straight, unless you wear an "I'm straight and dating a girl" shirt**, you'll eventually get hit on, somewhere, because gay guys don't KNOW you're not gay - therefore, if you're cute and they're brave, you might be worth asking. And if you're straight and a gay guy hits on you, be polite in turning him down; remember, he had no indication that you're straight, more than likely.
**Number two straight guys' rule in a gay bar: Do NOT wear an "I'm straight and married" shirt to a gay bar. As noted above, many gay guys, like many straight guys, get off on dangerous thrills. A few of the wilder gay guys have fantasies about getting it on with straight, married guys, and a few of the wilder straight, married guys have fantasies about getting a sneaky, "experimental" quickie with a gay guy. Going to a gay bar, alone, and professing too openly to be a married guy may make you a magnet for the crazier gay guys who'd just love to give you that extra somethin' somethin' your GF is lacking...or something like that.
Gay bars and promiscuity: It's the public face. But it's not necessarily the best slice of the pie, or the most representative of it. I see loads of straight, lez and gay couples at my local gay bar (a massive three-story affair called R Place). Yeah, there are loads of guys there looking for hook-ups and one-night-stands, but at the same time, go to your average local college bar and I guarantee at least half the 20something straight guys in there are eyeing that buxom blonde shakin' it on the dance floor and hoping they can pick up their next "conquest" (aka one-night-stand or fuckbuddy).
Gay Pride events: Again, see above. Gay guys live in a society where what they are is painted as shameful. Don't tell anyone. Don't hold hands in public. Don't do this, don't do that. If you do, and you're alone, you might just get yanked into an alley and whacked in the head a few times for daring to be a "fag". So once a year, a whole crapload of gay guys get together and go "If you're going to make us be as quiet, unassuming and hidden 99% of the year, this one day we're going to be as loud, wild and in-your-face as possible". It is absolutely not a slice of real gay life - it's an intentional caricature, a celebration of being able to be whatever pops into your head - NO MATTER HOW CRAZY - and not just not get laughed at, but be surrounded by hundreds of other people being as crazy as you are. And while I don't do anything bizarre myself, I do march with a PFLAG* contingent in the local city parade, and it's a real rush to march past crowds of people - gay, straight and whatever - who support you in being whatever you really are.
For the record, I'm bisexual, and in a long-term, committed relationship. I've been with my guy since about '07, and I don't forsee that changing anytime sooner or later - nor would I want it to. He's awesome. Before that, I dated a fair few guys and girls, but they were all relationships; I never liked hook-ups. And yeah, we bisexual guys definitely don't usually have a boyfriend AND a girlfriend. Unless we're poly, which I'm not.
*For those who don't know, PFLAG (stands for Parents, Families, Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is an advocacy group that assists parents and supporters. Your son just came out and you're at a loss - what will the neighbors say? Does this mean I won't have grandkids? Is my church going to kick us out? PFLAG is there as a support group, to answer questions and act as a backbone. I and my family are heavily involved. And for those who still say you'll never have gay-supporting churches that don't pull the "love the sinner, hate the sin" thing, our chapter's PFLAG paperwork is stored in a local Baptist church, and meetings happen in that church and in an Episcopal church in a local town, the local city branch of which (Cathedral) also has a gay/lesbian singles' group and a gay pastor. If you're looking for a church that will really, honestly accept you, those are good options. Where are these particular churches? Those reading my post carefully should find at least one thing to Google to figure out what big city I'm near.
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