It's too late, sorry

[kiwi]

Some of the members who have known me for a while know how rocky my relationship with the BF was in it's early years.
His parents (most his mother) treated me very badly and he did nothing to stop it and told me at one point it was my problem to deal with. It was only when I phoned my mother one day to ask for a ticket back to NZ did he realise it was a deal breaker for me and he started standing up for me to them and enforcing boundaries for us as a couple.

Now I absoultely admit, I was no perfect angel during this time, but both the BF and they have admitted that what they did was nasty, wrong and undeserved on my part. Their reasoning was that they "needed to be sure I wasn't using their son" but the way they went about it was very unfair and devastating to my self esteem. I believe it contributed in a big way to my breakdown.

I won't go into details but they were horrible, they made me cry MANY times, said very nasty degrading things, they considered me a gold digger (ironic much considering how deeply in debt the BF was and how much money I had) who was using their son for a ticket out of NZ. Had I been a stronger person, perhaps if I had better self esteem or a family I could rely on for help I might not have put up with it for so long but I did for 2 years I did nothing. I let them treat me like crap. Part of that was being totally out of my element in a new country and a new city where I had zero support and admittedly the BF was no help, had I known how badly he would treat me I would have never moved to Canada for him in the way I did.

Anyway now they have finally accepted our relationship and they treat me much better, very well actually. They have actively tried to make it up to me, they respect our boundaries 90% of the time, they are polite and even friendly to me, they are all round making a BIG effort to be decent.

The problem is, while I have forgiven them, I don't want to be friends with them, I don't want to hang out with them. I don't want to live close to them. I have absolutely no problem with the BF spending as much time with them as possible, but I don't want to be around them any more than obligation dictates.

Although they are nice now, I can ever forget what they did and said to me, it hurt me so much and although I really appricate their efforts it still don't want them to be a big part of my life. They keep making overtures of friendship and can't understand why I am polite but not friendly back. It doesn't help that we are so polar opposite in almost everything. I am a city person, a foodie with heavy vegetarian leanings, I love art and culture, reading and apart from cooking shows rarely watch tv. They are hunters, eat meat and potatos, boarderline racists and think they will be mugged if they go to the city.

I spent christmas with them (it was their year) and participated in the family activities but as we were there for 12 hours I brought my laptop with me. They don't play games and had the hunting channel on ALL DAY but they couldn't understand why I wasn't interested in watching animals get shot with them. We just don't GET each other.

I don't really want advice, it's not something that could be fixed, I am happy with how we are now. I won't ever be friends with them. I won't ever choose to spend my time with the, I will never deny the BF his time with them. I just wish they would realise that I will never be the daughter they never had. They messed up that chance when they treated me so badly. I wish they would just let it drop and stop trying. I wish the BF would stop expecting me to forget how they treated me and "start over". They want to move closer to us when we start having children but have said they will respect my boundaries on just how close they are. I will NOT be living in a "everyone loves raymond" situation!

[Boozy]

It must have been rough for you to be so far away from home while being treated like that. I can imagine how alone you must have felt. I'm glad it's gotten better for you.

If I were you, I'd just suck it up and spend a few holidays a year with them, so as to keep the peace. You guys have a tentative armistice going on here, and I don't think it's worth it to rock the boat because they aren't the sort of urbane people you'd normally hang out with.

They were undoubtably assholes to you at one time, and while you don't have to forgive them (although I'd recommend it), you do have to put a smile on your face for a few days here and there. For all you know, they are just pretending to like you, too. You should return the favour for the sake of your boyfriend, whom I am assuming was worth all of this crap to begin with.

[kiwi]

Thats what I have been doing Boozy, like I said I had the choice at christmas for us to go or not and I sucked it up for the BF's sake.

The BF knows very clearly how I feel. They have realised I am the key to how much access they have to him. I don't want that to sound like I am holding him hostage, that isn't it AT ALL.

But Im not going to allow them to come over multiple times a week just to hang out, not in my home. The BF can go and see them all he likes. Alone. I don't make a fuss, I realise he loves them and he is free to spend as much time with them as possible. He needs to stop expecting me to join him. I will make an appearance on holidays, I am not grumpy or rude. I play along for those few hours but that is it.

They just think it will eventually blow over and it won't. That's why they keep trying, thinking it will gloss over their treatment and I will trust them and like them. I won't and I don't. You can only kick a dog so many times before it stops trusting you.

[bara]

Time heals all wounds.
But wounds always leave scar tissue. That leaves behind a reminder of the past. Being polite and civil is as much as they have a right to expect.

My dad's mom had a similarly sucky attitude toward my mom, my sister's husband, and my brother's wife. While all three forgave her, they never wanted to be around her. I didnt know how bad she was till I was older.

[BlaqueKatt]

He needs to stop expecting me to join him. I will make an appearance on holidays, I am not grumpy or rude. I play along for those few hours but that is it.

They just think it will eventually blow over and it won't. That's why they keep trying, thinking it will gloss over their treatment and I will trust them and like them.

Ask him, and possibly them, if they would want to be around anyone who treated them like that? I'll bet the answer is "no I wouldn't, but..." and you cut off the rest of the sentence with "then why do you expect me to?"

I've been through similar with my in laws, they still make me cry, and I'm not allowed to say anything.

[Eisa]

Yeah, as far as I can tell, you're already going above and beyond what anyone who's done that has a right to expect. They treated you like shit. That doesn't just blow over. That's not just an argument or two. If they can't see that, they're fooling themselves.