Why stay Arranged?

[Sarah Valentine]

I think this is the right place for this, if it's not I apologize.



It just bugs me when I read a book or watch a movie or tv show and 2 people who have zero interest in each other and may or may not (1 or both) already be in relationships with varying degrees of seriousness are put together as going towards an arranged marriage, let them live their own life! Another thing is once the dreaded thing is done they're both miserable presumably forever, my thinking is why not just rush it just to get it over with and say "look we did your stupid thing now leave us alone" then go back to the preacher or courthouse or whatever and get an annulment or quick divorce telling them why? That way they can just go on with their lives and do what they really want to do instead of being stuck in a shitty situation that they both hate, that way they can marry whoever they want instead of being forced to marry someone they don't even know.

[Greenday]

To what end? Getting disowned by their families? In the cultures where this happens, the women will end up shunned from society (if not worse). It won't end well for anyone involved.

[Sarah Valentine]

It's not right either, but for fuck sake we aren't in the friggin dark ages anymore it's 2015. Maybe it's because I know I never have to deal with that bullshit but I think people have the right to choose their own spouse and be happy, I just think it's sad to have to be stuck in a situation that you don't want and feel like you're forced into.

[Kheldarson]

It's not right either, but for fuck sake we aren't in the friggin dark ages anymore it's 2015. Maybe it's because I know I never have to deal with that bullshit but I think people have the right to choose their own spouse and be happy, I just think it's sad to have to be stuck in a situation that you don't want and feel like you're forced into.

You're right but it's a cost analysis for those involved. Is pursuing your happiness worth losing face in your family? Being shunned? Losing face in the community? Losing the alliance that will be gained by the marriage? Being known as an oath breaker, essentially? When you're going against a,major cultural institution, you have to be ready for the cost. Most aren't.

[Sarah Valentine]

If it's someone from the same community I don't know why (tv example) that when asked what does person A think about person B, they just stay silent instead of saying how they really feel or just saying no they don't want to marry them. I can understand how if it's outside of the community it might be an issue, but if whoever likes this other person is in the same community then who the hell cares since it won't be an outsider. If they do refuse in the first place the whole oathbreaker thing doesn't make sense, the 2 main people involved didn't want any part in it it's not their oath it's the parents oath. There has to be other ways these 2 families can form a bond besides making their kids lives miserable, maybe working for the others family business or something.

[HYHYBT]

If they do refuse in the first place the whole oathbreaker thing doesn't make sense, the 2 main people involved didn't want any part in it it's not their oath it's the parents oath.

In such a system, the idea is that the parents' oath is binding on the children. They don't have to agree, but it's still their obligation just as if (if not more) they'd done it themselves. So yes, within that system, it would count as oathbreaking.

Even in vey individualistic societies, there are decisions parents make for their children without need for their consent. It's a difference of where the line is drawn.

[Kheldarson]

If it's someone from the same community I don't know why (tv example) that when asked what does person A think about person B, they just stay silent instead of saying how they really feel or just saying no they don't want to marry them.

Because A (particularly if a female) probably already knows that their opinion doesn't count. Parents don't want the truth, per se, they just want to know A will go through.

I can understand how if it's outside of the community it might be an issue, but if whoever likes this other person is in the same community then who the hell cares since it won't be an outsider.

It doesn't matter. The parents have formed an alliance through A and B. Unless A or B or their respective families are shown to be unsuitable for the alliance, then it's the alliance that's important. Even if C were part of the community, they're not part of the preferred alliance.

There has to be other ways these 2 families can form a bond besides making their kids lives miserable, maybe working for the others family business or something.

They're often looking at inheritance. And if you're keeping things in family lines....

[s_stabeler]

the issue with simply divorcing is that it is usually seen as just as bad to divorce the spouse your parents picked for you as refusing to marry them in the first place. (the justification is that it is considered a parent's right to decide who their child marries- ergo, to reject that choice is to strip your parents of one of their rights.)

No, I don't myself agree, but it's worth understanding just why people put up with an arranged marriage.

[Hyena Dandy]

The thing about when you see that in a book/TV-show/etc, is that those do also in general keep with the modern, romantic ideals of what a marriage 'Should' be. In that it should be driven by romance and affection for one-another. In societies where arranged marriages are common, the idea of the marriage as this loving, romance driven thing was much less prevalent. Which doesn't necessarily mean that love wasn't seen as a 'Good' thing, so much as it being less 'the point.'

In other words, from a literary perspective, these stories tend to be about someone who doesn't seem like they come from a society where arranged marriages exist.

[Sarah Valentine]

One of the ones I've seen has the "couple" do the very bare minimum to agree, they get married but that's it. They denied help from his parents to help with finding a house because she moved into his 2 bedroom apartment and are avoiding each other, they've basically gone the route of trying everything they can to live separate lives.The only thing is his parents keep insisting that they either help him find a house that they can move into also or they move in with them, they also want them to hang out with the entire family every weekend probably to convince them to give in and go with a stupid tradition. His parents got pretty pissed off when they both announced that they might not have kids and if they do they'll adopt one, and they won't let it go through "this stupid shit" when it's older. They automatically assumed that their new daughter told their son to say that and he told them he came up with a solution to their problem that they both agree on and they need to back off. What I don't understand is why the hell would his parents be so friggin pushy, they did their stupid thing and her parents don't mind that even though they live together they have separate lives. Hell if one of them wanted to move to the other side of the country and live a totally separate life all one or both of them would have to do is mail his parents a copy of the marriage certificate and say "we did your stupid thing and got married so drop it" and be done with it. Since all they were after was a piece of paper stating a union for some sort of agreement they would have their proof that the wedding happened so there would be no need to keep bugging their son or blaming his new wife when things don't go their way or when he says something that they don't like.

[Gravekeeper]

I think the problem is you're just reading/watching a badly written story. >.>

[Sarah Valentine]

I'm not at the end of it, but I think it won't have a good ending. I don't think I've ever seen arranged marriages as good things, just as horrible happiness killers and life ruiners. And in my personal opinion an outdated tradition that has no place in modern times, people have options now and this just takes them away and forces them to live the rest of their lives to the stupid standards that their parents think is best when it might be the worst for them.

[AmbrosiaWriter]

I'm not at the end of it, but I think it won't have a good ending. I don't think I've ever seen arranged marriages as good things, just as horrible happiness killers and life ruiners.

You should perhaps talk to real people who have had arrange marriages instead of just assuming that all arranged marriages are "horrible happiness killers and life ruiners." Because all your notions about it are coming from places where it is meant to be the horrible conflict of the story where the character(s) who have to deal with it are struggling with it.

I know a total of three pairs (so six people) who have had arranged marriages, while living in the USA and all six people say that while they may not have chosen their partner (or ever thought twice of dating them) on their own, they are more than happy and content with the arrangement. Sure you can try to tell me "Well they could be faking it to make their parents/their society happy" but I don't see it that way at all.

They respect each other, they are happy living together, and they all make really great (equal) teams. Two of the couples have children, and one of them is waiting a bit longer before they start.

I can't tell you if they love each other the way that modern culture seems to demand people who marry do, but I don't think so. But they're in happy, stable relationships and that's more than I can say when I knew the first halves (I typically met the second half after the marriage) while we were in college.

[Hyena Dandy]

I don't think I've ever seen arranged marriages as good things, just as horrible happiness killers and life ruiners.

The thing is, you're only seeing them from your own culture, and in stories written about it. This is fiction. Arranged marriages are not horrible happiness killers and life ruiners in most cases, because honeslty, if they were, they wouldn't have survived. There would be too many people saying "I'm not willing to do that to my child."

Arranged marriages have a history of not only not being happiness killers, but in fact having a higher overall satisfaction rating, particularly after the first several years. Why this is, can't say. But if you're going to judge other group's cultural traditions, you can't just do that from your own perspective. An arranged marriage would be terrible for me, because I was born to culturally European-American middle class parents in the United States.

The problem with a lot of these stories, is that their protagonists are basically people like me, with all my ideas on independence and personal choice, but in a culture where arranged marriage is normal. That's just not the case for most people IN arranged marriages. They are usually from a culture where arranged marriage is normal and accepted, and while some might be apprehensive prior to the marriage, in most cases, it doesn't kill their happiness.

Don't trust fiction about a topic to give you a good understanding of it, particularly when it's another culture.

[Kheldarson]

Here's a positive story about an arranged marriage: http://thebreastcancersite.greatergo...ncer009_110515