Feeling confused

[jackfaire]

This is going to sound complicated.

So 20 years ago I met this 19 year old girl when I too was 19. I had a crush on her. She had a crush on me. We became friends but neither of us spoke up about our feelings. Short time later I met my ex-wife. We moved in together got married left town and a couple of years later I was back and divorced.

Me and this girl reconnected. I realized I still had feelings for her. So I asked her out. She said she didn't feel the same way and just wanted to be friends. I did my best to bury my feelings and move on while maintaining a friendship. A couple of years later she revealed to me that she'd had the aforementioned crush on me when we first met. I asked her out again she said the crush was gone. My feelings that had been fading cemented themselves as something that's never gone away and for me that moment in my life became a big what if that I'll revisit when I'm feeling down but most of the time don't think about.

After we reconnected I have made and lost friends over the years. Even me and her have gone from talking often to not talking much to now we speak daily. Through Text if not on the phone. She is my best friend and has outlasted every other friend I have. We're now talking about moving Cross Country together as we both want new opportunities.



So that is us today. The other day she re-confirmed a lack of desire to be my girlfriend. Not because I asked her out, hinted or in anyway said "hey ya wanna" Instead I had been speaking to my ex-wife about our daughter when she revealed that she thought of my best friend as a really good friend even though they hadn't spoken in 17 years because my best friend had to this date kept the promise to never date me. A promise that my ex-wife apparently asked for when my best friend was in a committed relationship herself. My ex knew we'd had feelings for each other all of those years ago and did everything to keep us apart.

In shock and thinking this was my ex-wife trying to torture me I mentioned it to said friend who was shocked herself as she had actually forgotten the conversation until then and was quick to reassure me that it was not the reason we weren't together.

So all of that brings us to do today. Today something unusual happened. Over the years she has shown me teasing photos. No nudity nothing she wouldn't show to her mom. Some because they were cropped. Always this was to get my opinion as a guy as she is insecure about her looks and wants to make sure that what she's showing him is going to get or keep his interest. She's never crossed the nudity barrier with me though.

I've never seen the more risque pics, videos or anything. Today she took a video of herself in the shower and sent it to him. I got a Text saying, "Ha ha I'm such a tease" I asked, "Oh what did you do" "Okay but don't have a heart attack" "Okay" I expected her to then tell me what she did. Instead she sent me unedited uncovered unfiltered the exact same video as him.

I've been watching her tease this guy but this time's been different. I've been seeing a lot of the same teasing stuff he has and when it affects me and him she crows about getting to both of us. She's going to see this guy who's an old "one that got away" kind of two ships passing in the night with neither of them being ready for forever at the same time. She keeps talking like part of her wants him to finally want to commit at the same time but hopes that this is just goodbye.

She wants to meet her guy in the city we're actively making plans to move to. Does any of this mean anything? Am I just an old friend she trusts? Am I someone that strokes her ego? Is she feeling out her own feelings for me in light of the memory?

Part of me wonders if even though she didn't remember the conversation if subconsciously it caused her to suppress any feelings for me. If so could those feelings be waking back up now that she remembers? I am so confused.

Please serious responses only what are your thoughts?

[SkullKing]

She informed you exactly what she wants (A friendship) and said that she has no desire to be together with you. Anything else seems to be you wanting to believe something that is not true

If you can accept that great, if you can´t, reduce/cut contact.

If any behaviour like sending the photos makes you uncomfortable you should ask her to stop, and if she is a friend worth having she will stop it.

[jackfaire]

She informed you exactly what she wants (A friendship) and said that she has no desire to be together with you.

I get that I really do. The confusion is because the video she sent me wasn't in line with anything she's done before. If it was I wouldn't be confused. It was a complete and utter sharp left turn into a whole other realm of sharing. Since sharing that video she hasn't reiterated "but I only want to be friends"

So I was trying to figure out "did something change or do you just suddenly feel even more comfortable with me now than you ever did before"

[SkullKing]

Than I think you should ask her that question.

Or say firmly that unless she changed her mind to not send you those things.

Asking us about it won´t really give you anything concrete, only conjectures.

Personally I would wager on her not being interested since she is talking about another guy, but I understand how the uncertainty and what-ifs can gnaw on a person.

Talk to her and good luck I hope you get what you are hoping for.

[jackfaire]

I was looking for perspective. Apparently this is the one topic on which people choose to withhold their perspective. If I asked people their POV on any other topic where they can't offer a concrete solution people rush to offer me such. This is one scenario where I find people are suddenly timid about applying their personal experience to a real life situation.

[mjr]

I was looking for perspective. Apparently this is the one topic on which people choose to withhold their perspective. If I asked people their POV on any other topic where they can't offer a concrete solution people rush to offer me such. This is one scenario where I find people are suddenly timid about applying their personal experience to a real life situation.

How old is this woman? I've never had your exact experience, but I've seen instances (mostly on TV) where one person leads on another, with no intention of following through. It's possible that's what's going on here. Sometimes someone really has no intention of dating someone right now, but likes to know they're available. I don't know if you're familiar with them, but think of early episodes of The Big Bang Theory and the interactions with Penny and Leonard.

Another consideration is that social media has led to "oversharing", of sorts.

It's possible she's doing it because of "oversharing", and there's a good possibility she likes it, based on the fact you said she crows about "getting to [both of us]".

One other thing to consider is that she possibly wants some sort of physical relationship, but if she's friends with your ex-wife and made that promise years ago, maybe she's keeping the promise.

Might not hurt to ask her. If she's good friends with you, she could be open about it. 20+ years ago I actually told a very close female friend of mine (we've since lost touch) that I always wanted to ask her out, but never got up the nerve. Because every time I thought I had the nerve to do so, she was dating someone. When I revealed that to her, she actually told me that she wanted me to ask her out.

[Canarr]

She wants to meet her guy in the city we're actively making plans to move to. Does any of this mean anything? Am I just an old friend she trusts? Am I someone that strokes her ego? Is she feeling out her own feelings for me in light of the memory?

Any of those are possible.

Maybe she is actively interested in you and only using the other guy as a smokescreen, to feel out your reaction to her and possibly get you to ask her out.
Maybe she is interested in the other guy and only using you to feed her ego, or as a backup in case he doesn't work out.
Maybe she wouldn't mind either of you (or both at the same time, if that floats her boat), so she's giving you both the same bait and simply waiting to see who bites first.

Sometimes people like to use a kind of "safety valve" for flirting, especially if they're afraid of rejection. An ex of my brother's has always used flirting in RPGs to sound out a potential love interest. She'd have her character flirt with yours, take it to private communication away from the group (emails, texts) and intensify the flirting step by step. If the other party proved interested, things might progress to an Offplay relationship. If they weren't, she could always claim it was just roleplaying.

In the end, we don't know that friend of yours well enough. If you are interested in her, you'll have to bite the bullet and ask her out. No way around it.

Or you stay quiet, keep things on a friendship level. Basically, those are your options. Good luck.

[Kittish]

My thoughts on this are:

YOU need boundaries. She's set hers, and you've done really well respecting them. Now it's time for YOU to set some for her to respect. You're clearly upset (not necessarily mad, but shaken up) by the video she sent you. It's a tease. That's all. If you don't WANT to be teased, ask her to stop. Set that boundary. But realize that the tease is ALL it will EVER be.