He doesn't understand...

[Ree]

So, I have been seeing this guy for just over 6 months now.
Things are great.
He adores me, and he treats me very well.

He loves my daughter and my granddaughter too, and he is wonderful with both of them.

That's where the problem starts.

Background:

Since my husband passed away in 2008, my daughter has kind of "used" me and taken me for granted...a lot!!!

It wasn't intentional, but she is young and raising a child on her own.

She and her daughter were living with me until the fall of 2009, and I was doing the majority of childcare for her.

She was working, but she also continued to have a pretty active social life with her friends.
She would say, "But Mom, sometimes I just need a break..."

She was contributing very little to the bills and as I said, she was pretty much using me for free child care.

I realize it was partly my fault for allowing it, but it's not like I didn't speak up every now and then, because I did.
There would just be a big argument about things.

Also, having my granddaughter around was really what kept me from going insane after losing my husband.

She was truly a blessing.

Anyway, in the spring of 2009, my daughter met a guy and they ended up moving in together that fall.
They have had a pretty rocky relationship, and it was on again, off again...repeatedly.

In the spring of this year, my daughter was using me for babysitting on an almost constant basis.
For over 2 months straight, I had no weekends free to myself because I was babysitting. I would also have her on week nights after working 8 hours on my feet.
I love her dearly, but she is a very precocious, extremely smart, tremendously curious, and very busy little girl.
She gets into EVERYTHING!!!
I was exhausted trying to keep up, and because every weekend was taken up with running around after her, I wasn't even getting time to recharge from my 40+ hour work week.

I was getting burnt out.

I knew my daughter didn't have a lot of choices.
She couldn't afford to pay a regular babysitter, and her hours made it pretty hard to find anyone willing to do it anyway.
She was working late hours as a bartender, which usually meant a babysitter would have to sleep over, and she couldn't find anyone willing to do that.

Things changed with her relationship, and she patched things up with the guy.
Because she now had someone to depend on to look after her little girl, I wasn't babysitting as often.
Also, in early August, I started seeing this guy, and I started taking time for myself and saying "No" a little more.

OK...now to the problem:
Because this guy is one of the nicest guys I have ever met and doesn't seem to have the word "No" in his vocabulary, he is constantly offering our babysitting services to my daughter.

There was one night when my back was really hurting, and my workday had been really stressful.
I hadn't slept well, and I was exhausted.
All I wanted to do was get home, get in my PJ's and curl up with a cup of tea.

He picked me up at work, and the next thing I knew, he was offering to my daughter to let my granddaughter come visit Grandma for the night.
To be fair he was having a great time with her, colouring and playing blocks, but he was also working an 11 pm-7 am shift, and around 7:00, when she passed out asleep on the couch, he went to lie down and fell asleep. Shortly after, my granddaughter woke up from her catnap, leaving me to look after her when all I really wanted to do was sleep.
We had a bit of a spat about it that night.

There have been a couple of weekends when I just wanted to relax, and he has come in the door with my granddaughter in tow saying, "Look who came to visit Grandma..."

Like I said, it's not that I don't love that little girl. I adore her, and she brings me so much joy.
It's just a bit exhausting sometimes.

Things are not going well again with my daughter's relationship, and there is a lot of stress.
He feels very bad for my daughter and especially for my granddaughter, as he hates to see her in a situation surrounded by so much turbulence.
We just discovered that her boyfriend may not have been all that nice to my granddaughter, and lacks the patience needed.

(My granddaughter has suddenly developed a stutter after being able to speak very clearly in full sentences and having a vocabulary beyond her age for over a year now. I have suspected stress...or worse... for a while now.)

My friend is disgusted by the situation, and it has taken all of his resolve not to rip this guy a new one for the way he has behaved both toward my daughter and granddaughter.

I know I should be grateful that this guy loves my family so much, and in truth, if my late husband was around, he would be doing the same thing, but I have explained over and over to him how I feel about things, and he doesn't seem to be hearing me.

He kind of makes me feel guilty.
His shining martyrdom makes me look like a really bad mother because I don't jump immediately to help out my daughter.

Just today, I was sitting here, exhausted. I woke with a headache and just wanted to relax.
My daughter called and asked if they could use my friend's car to do some shopping.
When he dropped it off to them, my granddaughter was insistent that she was going to grandma's.
My daughter told her that she was coming shopping with them.

When my friend got back to my place, he was laughing about my granddaughter. He insisted that I call and offer to have her come here while they shopped.

I said, "Obviously you weren't around for those 2 months straight when I babysat her every single weekend."

My concern is that it looks like my daughter is finally going to break up with this guy for good. (If she doesn't, I may kick her ass. Long sordid story that's not really relevant here.)

I don't want that whole cycle of Grandma's free babysitting to start all over again.

I am at the point where I want to see where things will lead with this guy, and I look forward all week to spending quiet weekends just being with him and enjoying his company.

He has been working long hours with a lot of overtime, so I barely see him through the week.

I love how he is with my granddaughter. He is amazingly patient, and she adores him. It makes me laugh to see them together.
He has so much fun with her too.

His answer is always, "I will look after her. You don't have to do anything."
Then I feel like a lazy, neglectful mother and grandmother if I just sit and vegetate like I had planned all along.

Like I say, I feel so bad that I am beginning to resent the situation, but I was alone for so long, and it has been so great to finally have someone to fill that void.

I am tired of feeling guilty for wanting something for myself, and his whole attitude towards things makes me feel really bad.

[HYHYBT]

(nothing else to say)

[Ree]

Thanks.

That's at least something.

I needed to vent because I just felt so guilty for feeling the way I did.

Right now, he is almost asleep in the chair, and my granddaughter is being herself. They are watching her favourite movie, (well, it's playing, but she really isn't watching), and I suspect, in a very short while, he will be sound asleep. Then, guess who gets to deal with active little granddaughter?

[Mikkel]

I'm sorry.
Tell your granddaughter from me to behave .
And give that sleeping guy a kick. If he promised to look after the granddaughter, he should do part of it at least.
You sound exhausted.

[Andara Bledin]

You're not uncaring, unreasonable, or lazy for not wanting to constantly look after your granddaughter.

The person you need to take care of first is you, and you're not being given the opportunity to do that.

As a suggestion, keep a time diary to show what you do throughout a typical week. Show it to him and let him see a physical representation of how much time you are being allowed for you or for you and him. It might be useful in getting your point across without either side becoming too emotionally involved..

^-.-^

[AdminAssistant]

I can certainly understand being concerned for your granddaughter's welfare, but ultimately that's your daughter's responsibility, and (not to be rude) she needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with it. Can she get on government assistance or get her daughter in the Canadian version of HeadStart? There have to be options besides "let her stay with Grandma."

As far as your friend goes, he sounds really sweet and like a keeper, generally. He just needs to understand that you need your private together time.

[Ree]

she needs to put on her big girl panties and deal with it.

That's what I have been trying to get her to do, and I have been trying to get that through to him.

He asked me the other day what I wanted for my daughter's future.

I was very honest when I told him it was irrelevant what I wanted, since she had made life choices that were not what I planned for her.

All I want is for her to be happy and have some stability for herself and her daughter.

I have been trying to make him see that I have been doing her no favours by being her constant backup plan, and this is push her from the nest time.

[BlaqueKatt]

my unsolicted contribution-

He is doing a disservice to both you and your daughter.

to you: he is undermining the boundaries you are trying to set with your daughter, and making her more dependent on you rather than less. Which as an adult, she should be able to make other plans than "send kid to mom"-it's became the default rather than the last option, what does she do if something happens and you can't watch her(health, your job, taking care of a sick friend, a million other things), are you supposed to drop everything and rescue her, at the expense of everything else?

To your daughter: He is stunting her ability to be independent and work things out/make plans and decisions on her own. Also, though he feels badly for how your granddaughter is/was treated, if your granddaughter is constantly with you your daughter can't possibly see the extent of the issues that have arisen. And some people when they don't see it for themselves may think "oh Ree is just overreacting, she's a worrywart."


When the exception becomes the rule, what happens when there is an exception to the rule?*

*hint-total chaos because "plan b" has become "plan a" and there is no "plan b" in existence anymore.

[Hyena Dandy]

Speaking as the sort of guy who is constantly doing 'shining martyrdom' things, I can tell you, its not all its cracked up to be. A few days ago I popped down to the videostore (to donate a game I wasn't playing) and shoveled two people's driveways on the way home. What I suggest, if he's much like me, is to ask him before your daughter does.

Its really not helping you or your daughter what he's doing. Don't feel guilty for not having a messiah complex.

[LexiaFira]

As has been said there is nothing wrong with having me time.
Its kind of hard to do for others if you can't do for yourself. IE if you don't even have the energy to veg out which is OK to do, then how can you have the energy to run after her? Same for him. (sounds like he thinks he has more energy than he actually does.)

There is also nothing wrong with putting your foot down either. Think of it this way, feeling guilty about saying no means you are human, not some cruel person. Hope daughter does break it off for good as it sounds like a very negative environment for your daughter and granddaughter if she is stuttering now.

also more hugs

[Boozy]

Just a guess - I think your new beau is trying very hard to be liked by your daughter and granddaughter, because he knows how important they are to you. He wants to make sure he's accepted by your family. One sure way of doing that is to do favours for your daughter and spend time with your granddaughter.

Unfortunately, he is jeopardizing your happiness in the process.

Perhaps if he was reassured that your family likes him already, and he doesn't need to try so hard?

He sounds like a wonderful man, and if this is the worst thing he's doing, you are a lucky woman (not to downplay the frustration you must be feeling). You deserve a great guy, and I'm sure this will all get worked out.