I love him, I love him....

[blas87]

True, but new habbits can always be learned, and old ones can always be un-learned when it comes to housekeeping.

My bf claims that when he had his own place, he used to be militant about keeping it neat, and always getting into spats with roommates because they were slobs. Ever since living back at home, he's a complete slob.

We've gotten pizza on a Friday night, he's left the empty box on the table downstairs, and a week later, it's still there.

His father has always refused to do any kind of cleaning, because he works too much , ever since his brother was diagnosed with Lyme disease he proclaims he's too sick to do anything, and their mom occasionally gets so fed up that she goes on "strike".......and their house becomes just a complete and total disaster.

[Boozy]

True, but new habbits can always be learned, and old ones can always be un-learned when it comes to housekeeping.

I think you and Greenday actually agree. He's just saying that these new habits need to be taught, just like you're saying here.

Someone who grew up not doing any housework doesn't see the house in the same way as someone who grew up knowing that they were at least partially responsible for the upkeep.

Mr. Boozy is a good example. If he stopped to think about it, he would realize that clean laundry and cooked meals don't magically manifest themselves into our home, but his day-to-day thought processes say differently. In his world, these things appear out of nowhere with no effort required of him.

We have a different sort of division of labour than AA and her fiance, though. He works full-time (and then some), while I usually work part-time. So I take care of everything at home.

When I am working full-time, I ask him to do very specific tasks for me to help out. It's not enough to say, "I need you to do more around here this week." He doesn't see what needs to be done. He doesn't notice when the bathroom needs cleaning, or that he's only got one clean pair of socks left, or that he's just finished the last of the milk. He doesn't have the practice that I do, so he can't plan ahead.

There's nothing wrong with saying, "Can you swing by the store and pick up the following items" or "The toilet needs scrubbing while I'm out." It's not nagging. It's just communicating your needs.

[Giggle Goose]

I've asked nicely, I've cajoled, I've threatened, I've begged. He's got a big ass suitcase in there full of books. He keeps telling me that he'll go through it and pick out what he wants to keep and what he wants to sell. Has yet to even think about it. We've got a small place, but it can work just fine for us if he'd put just a little effort into it.

Oh that must be soooo annoying....tell him if he wants to move into a bigger place, he needs to give yours a chance and unpack his crap first! Who knows, he might find it adequate when his stuff isn't blocking the way.

He does have issues with anxiety and depression (he's seeing a psych), and he honestly thinks that a dog would help.

Maybe he could volunteer at an animal shelter? I know he has a long commute and long days, but even just a little time could go a long way. I think the day-to-day realities of caring for a pet could also add to anxiety in the long run. I also have a wicked commute and long days, and now I'm going back to school part time for my master's, so I was forced to give up my dog. Fortunately, my coworker and his family adopted her and it's a win-win situation for all parties involved. But it is definitely not ideal situation, and I'd hate to think of you guys getting involved in a similar one.

There's nothing wrong with saying, "Can you swing by the store and pick up the following items" or "The toilet needs scrubbing while I'm out." It's not nagging. It's just communicating your needs.

I agree with Boozy 100%. I used to be so afraid of becoming a nag that I would allow myself to become a doormat and try to be little Miss Sunshine Susie-Homemaker when I first moved in with bf. It ended up with me having all this pent-up rage and a few explosions. I've since accepted the fact that I need to ask for help some things. And guess what? Bf is grateful that I asked instead of whining about it after the fact. After all, we're a team!

You seem like a smart, no-nonsense gal, AA, and I'm sure you'll get past these growing pains. Is your place big enough so you can at least have your own room/study area that is kept tidy and "off limits" from fiances clutter?

[AdminAssistant]

You seem like a smart, no-nonsense gal, AA, and I'm sure you'll get past these growing pains. Is your place big enough so you can at least have your own room/study area that is kept tidy and "off limits" from fiances clutter?

Thanks

We have a two bedroom, and the second bedroom is my "office." However, when he moved in, the only place to put his computer was the office. We could probably make room in the bedroom, but I don't want any computers in there. (I don't allow anything work or school related into the bedroom. That's for relaxing and sleeping.) Ideally, one day we'll have a place big enough that I can have a separate office and he can have a "man cave" for gaming.

[Andara Bledin]

A few months ago, he was telling me that I better not renew my lease this year and we should look into getting a place.

Hate to say it, but talk's cheap. It's easy to give lip service to wanting to do something, and then doing other things that will make it so that actually doing that thing is either impossible or horribly ill-advised.

^-.-^

[anakhouri]

When I am working full-time, I ask him to do very specific tasks for me to help out. It's not enough to say, "I need you to do more around here this week." He doesn't see what needs to be done. He doesn't notice when the bathroom needs cleaning, or that he's only got one clean pair of socks left, or that he's just finished the last of the milk. He doesn't have the practice that I do, so he can't plan ahead.

That's exactly how it is in our house! I stay at home with the kid, so I do most of the housework, but the kid himself is a full-time job, so I don't feel bad asking Husband to change the sheets or empty the dishwasher. And I have to be very specific about what I ask him to do, because this guy can see a sink overflowing with dishes and it will NEVER occur to him that someone should wash them.

[Peppergirl]

I've been divorced for quite a few years, but I vividly recall my ex-husband's attitude about cleaning.

He was a great cook and did 95 percent of the cooking. Sounds great, right? Trust me, I paid the price.

Since he knew the deal was 'He cooks, I clean up', he would leave the most ungodly of messes in the kitchen even after the most simple of meals. He knew damned well he didn't have to clean it up, so he didn't care.

Also I did ALL the laundry, ALL the cleaning and did the vast majority of dealing with the kids. The only thing he did was cook and cut the grass.

I always worked full time when we were married, so there really wasn't an excuse for me having to do the vast majority of the housework...other than the fact that he just sucked.

A couple of months ago I called him about something. Can't remember what, but when I asked what he was up to he said "I'm cooking". I said something like, "Oh Christ, poor Sandy (his gf) will have a mess to clean up." He responded that he cooks AND cleans the kitchen now. Asshole. lol

[telecom_goddess]

I end up doing the cleaning up no matter what, whether he cooks or I do. And he NEVER helps with the housework, so I'm doing the working full time thing and cleaning the entire house on the weekends. Luckily because my weekly maintenance is so good that cleaning on the weekends doesn't really take too much time. But he never helps on his days off cause "he worked all week and now it's his time off" ..well boo hoo. and when I say yeah I want things a certain way cause I pay for everything and clean everything....he tells me that I "choose" to clean the house every week, that's what I "want" to do. I do NOT want to do it has HAS to be done but he doesn't get it.

[McDreidel09]

I know this may sound childish, but maybe you could try a "contract"? You could both sit down and on paper, write out who does what on what day, and then you both sign it. If that is not a viable option, maybe you both could still sit down and talk everything out.

I know how you feel. Next semester, I will be moving in with two guys who don't keep as neat as I do. The only bedroom I will have to worry about is the one that Beloved Bullshit and I will be sharing, but it's the rest of the apartment I have to worry about. I go over there a lot and help clean up when I visit. Ever since I helped BB clean up his room and straighten out his closet, he has been pretty good with upkeep, except for a few clothes here and there.

[AdminAssistant]

Ooof, here we go again.

We've talked about the wedding a few times. We're worried about how we're going to pay for it, obviously. We've talked about having it at my sister's house, which means that we don't have to pay for the location and we have more flexibility to do a lot of it ourselves. A few nights ago, he said, "What about a destination wedding? That would be cheaper..." Ummm...how?? Not only would it be more expensive for us, it would be prohibitively expensive for my family, not to mention the fact that my mother won't get on a plane. Plus, the added pain in the ass of shipping the dress and other accoutrement that we'd need. PLUS the fact that then your family is on your honeymoon with you. No thank you.

We've talked about this. I've told him all of this. But when I gently reminded him that night that it wouldn't work, he got upset. I kinda know why he wants to do it - he actually doesn't want much or any of his extended family showing up. But I want mine to be there. I haven't seen many of them in several years and I miss them! It wouldn't feel like a wedding without my aunts and uncles and cousins and the crazy great-aunts from Mississippi. Gah!

Also, he's gone back and forth on the kid thing. My position is that I would consider having kids, but not for a while. I want to be married for a few years so that we can enjoy our time as a couple. I want to be sure that I'm in a good spot in my career. I want to make sure that we're financially sound and relatively stable. His argument, "Our parents didn't worry about that when they had us!" Yes, we both grew up dirt poor and turned out okay, but if there's an option...I'd rather not, y'know?

Urg. Anyway, he's at his psych appointment right now, so maybe he'll feel a bit better afterwards.

[Andara Bledin]

For cheap wedding options that won't fill your house to bursting and/or pare your guest list down to just the minimum, you might look into local parks.

I got married in a park, with something like 40 guests, and the reception was held on the audience side of the band shell, which is where the power was.

^-.-^

[Ladeeda]

The money thing and the kids thing are to things you REALLY need to work out before the wedding. Those two and sex are like, the foundations for resentment if not figured out before hand.

[AdminAssistant]

For cheap wedding options that won't fill your house to bursting and/or pare your guest list down to just the minimum, you might look into local parks.

This is going to be in the South in May, so there has to be a good source of a/c close by. I don't mind the ceremony being outside, since that will only be for a few minutes. But everything else? Air conditioning.

Besides, the local parks down there are not in good shape, and then there's the whole....bathroom...issue. Call me a snob, but I'm not using either port-a-potty or a public bathroom of questionable cleanliness while wearing a white gown.

[blas87]

And you shouldn't be expected to, either. Not snobby at all.

[Andara Bledin]

This is going to be in the South in May, so there has to be a good source of a/c close by. I don't mind the ceremony being outside, since that will only be for a few minutes. But everything else? Air conditioning.

Yeah, my wedding was in October in southern California, so an outdoor ceremony and reception were not at the mercy of the weather, except for a bit of excess wind.

Not sure what the boyfriend and I are going to do for our wedding, but it's most likely to be set up more to make his grandmother happy than us, since we don't really care, much.

^-.-^