rules for dating? (my daughter)

[LexiaFira]

as this is a debate question and possibly fratching territory
and also a calm debate among family back home here is the question.

What if you had a daughter of dating age (whatever that age may be agreed upon by you, your spouse AND your daughter)
and she brought home her first date. As in VERY first date.
What are the rules?

What if it were not her first date but the next guy in line? (all past ex's are long gone and there is no drama etc)
What are the rules for this situation?

What if your daughter is past 18 - ie of legal age that she by law an adult whether mature enough or not - still resides in your house and whatever agreement between her and parents there, begins dating again. Are the rules still the same? Or is it my house my rules adult or not, or is it all different?

For example when I was growing up, didn't matter who I chose to date, the first date ALWAYS he had to come to the door, come in and greet the parents stay for a bit, be aware of curfew.
Or at least come to the door and I had to be home by curfew.
Or at the very least as I didn't date until I was 20 by choice, he won't honk his horn to call you, still come to the door and at least be dressed decently.

Beyond that I was late twice, once with two different men. But I called ahead to let mom know I was late and why. I had yet to come home at 3am.
But then that never appealed to me and even if I did I am not one who could stay up that late or even try to now

[LexiaFira]

or as i was thinking what about if your son was dating? same questions apply

[Mytical]

This is a difficult question, because we all want to protect our children. Yet sometimes you have to let your children make their own mistakes. It's how they learn. As painful and difficult as it is, sometimes you have to trust your children. To hope that you have instilled the values, skills, and common sense needed to make the right choices.

I would start out with a very lenient curfew, though I would insist on meeting the boy/girl. I would have rules..like no going out to a car when somebody beeps, and no going and just beeping to pick up somebody either. That is just plain rude. After the first time I met them, they wouldn't have to stay LONG, but they would come to the door or there would be no date. Other then that..I don't think there would be many rules. I am guessing, because I've never had children, however. Never know how you will react until faced with something .

No different rules for boys or girls..and once they are 18, even if still staying with me..there would be no rules except one. If their 'special other' stays over, keep it down. Oh and if their 'special other' sees something/walks in on something, etc its their problem not mine .

[Greenday]

I like the way my mom treated me (my sister got so hosed by being the first child). I was 14 when I got the talk. "I know you are going to start having sex sooner or later so when you do, just make sure to use a condom. If you don't have one, ask me, your stepdad, or your sister and we'll get you some." My mom's pretty smart. I didn't have sex until I was nearly 18, but I didn't forget that talk. If I were to have kids, they'd get the same talk. If they have questions, I'll answer them straightforward. My mom wouldn't let my sister have a boy in her room with the door shut (at first), but I could. Gender doesn't matter to me; same rules would apply.

School night? Back by 10pm.
Friday/Saturday night? Back by midnight-1am (depending on age)
Over 18? Whatever floats your boat. They can drive themselves so as long as I know where they are, it doesn't matter.
Going to a party? Whoever is driving isn't drinking and if they do make the dumb decision to drink, they can just call me and we'll pick up their car the next morning. They wouldn't have to fear me getting mad either.
If I have a daughter and she wants to have sex, she's getting introduced to the pill (or shot or patch or whatever she wants but she's getting on BC).

I was raised on the whole "You're going to do it anyway and I can't stop you, so I just want to make sure you are safe about it." Worked pretty well for me.

[Gravekeeper]

I thought about it then realised I am probably the worst example possible seeing as my mom fully permitted my girlfriend in high school to not only sleep over, but to sleep in the same bed. In a bedroom that was in the basement, while my mom's was on the second floor. Thus far far out of earshot.

Mine was definately in the "You're going to do it anyway, just do it safely and responsibly" category. >.>

[telecom_goddess]

I thought about it then realised I am probably the worst example possible seeing as my mom fully permitted my girlfriend in high school to not only sleep over, but to sleep in the same bed. In a bedroom that was in the basement, while my mom's was on the second floor. Thus far far out of earshot.

Mine was definately in the "You're going to do it anyway, just do it safely and responsibly" category. >.>

Nice! My mother didn't let me be friends with people let alone date, but I eventually started dating my ex husband when I was 19.

I'm of the "do it safely and responsibly" category. My oldest daughter has had boyfriends over tons of times and she's spent the night with them too. The middle girl hasn't had a boyfriend yet.....although she's gone out on a date with a girl

I think the whole "pick them up in a car and actually date" thing has kinda gone by the wayside. Seems like everyone just jumps into a relationship without dating around much.

[Andara Bledin]

My mom was of the "be safe, be responsible, and don't be afraid to come to me if that's what you need to do to be safe and/or responsible" camp.

And, honestly, the kids should be more afraid of what might happen to them for being stupid than what might happen to them when they make an effort to avoid being stupid, or more stupid as the case might be.

Education based on facts is usually a good policy.

^-.-^

[muses_nightmare]

My father and his wife decided to give me and my bf "the talk", I was 17 at the time, and well, me and my bf had been together a year at least at that point. Not to mention my bf is 3 years older than me and well, not their child. I had gone and gotten BC, and we used protection, I didn't feel the need to go to my parents about it, and I was miffed that they treated me like an incompetent child, even though I was responsible. I couldn't be in my room with the bf with the door closed, Hell we'd get shit if we cuddled on the couch.

Frankly, my father is an ass, and his wife is a bitch from hell (there is more to that evaluation than this mind you). Step-sister doesn't get half the crap I did, and she's a lot more irresponsible than I ever was drinking and smoking and such. She's allowed to have her bf's stay overnight when no one is home (and yes, her mom and my dad know about it and encouraged it). Not to mention she's had several (none of which were real catches), while I've been with mine since I was 16, so 8 years. They also seemed to respect one of her exes who was an "ultimate fighter", while they gave nothing but crap to me and mine who is now an X-ray tech.

Yeah, I'm bitter sorry about the rant

When I have kids, I plan on being fairly relaxed, and I'll try to be easy to talk to about that, but that really depends on the kid I guess, it can be awkward just because it is your parents and all. I'd explain the need to be safe, and use protection and BC, and I don't know if I'd let her/him have their significant other stay over in the same room until they were older, 17 or so, sure, but be mindful of the fact that it's still your parent's house. I definitely wouldn't be giving them crap if they go out and get the protection and BC themselves, I'd be proud of them! I'd prefer if dating didn't start until later on, like 15 or so, but I don't think I'd forbid it before then, that just causes more problems.

[Mishi]

My dad was of the "Be safe and responsible" camp, but my mother is an absolute fruitcake, so I'm grateful for the comprehensive sex ed curriculum at the public schools that I attended. Hubs and I are of the "be safe and responsible" camp, and when our girls are older, they'll have the opportunity to go on BC.

With dating, we're sticking to what one of my closest friends said in high school (at least until the girls are 18+) - "It's best to go out with a group of good friends, because if your date is an idiot, at least you still get to have fun. If he/she tries anything, then you'll have people there to help you get out of a bad situation."

We'll also want to meet the person before they go on a date, and not on the day/evening of the date. Safety first and all that.

We're not doing any of the scary talks/threats. It's ineffective, it's rude, and it also warns the little bas...angels so they get a decent headstart on running away from us.

[guywithashovel]

Just out of curiosity, do any of you plan on making it a point to be cleaning a firearm when your kid brings over a date for the first time?

Honestly, I find fathers' reactions to this situation to be kind of amusing. If their teenage sons get a girlfriend, they're like "Yeah, that's boy!" But if their teenage daughter becomes friends with a boy, they go apeshit and go running for their shotguns. And if they don't own a shotgun, they go out and buy one just so they can show it to the boy and threaten him with all sorts of nasty things that could happen if he as much as puts his arm around his daughter. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration, but I don't think we can deny that there is definitely more panic when it's a daughter getting a date.

How would I handle this situation? Hell if I know. And frankly, since I don't plan on having kids, I really don't think I need to care about how I would handle it.

[Mishi]

Just out of curiosity, do any of you plan on making it a point to be cleaning a firearm when your kid brings over a date for the first time?

No, for three reasons:

1. I had the joy of having a weird parent, and being bullied due to her beliefs and behaviours. I'm not inflicting that on my kids as I don't want them to be picked on due to my actions.

2. We don't (currently) own any firearms.

3. That could be classed as a threat, which is enough (AFAIK) to recieve criminal charges and lose one's weapons licence in my country.

[Greenday]

Just out of curiosity, do any of you plan on making it a point to be cleaning a firearm when your kid brings over a date for the first time?

I actually would like to own a pistol later. Something along the lines of a M9. They are easy to take apart and clean. Though I would never use it for the purpose of just scaring some kid. At most I'd have it out and then just tell them I'm messing with them. But nah, wouldn't bother, especially since I'm never having kids.

[blas87]

That's....hickish and really lacking class to purposely be cleaning a firearm in the knowing that a date is coming over, or otherwise making sure a date sees the parent with a firearm.

[tropicsgoddess]

SO and I have no need for a firearm if we have a daughter of dating age. He's a big guy (6'10" 300 + lbs.) and pretty damn intimidating (naturally and when he wants to be). If we have a son that is of dating age, I will make sure that if the girl breaks his heart (read cheating) I will break her face just as SO would if a guy were to break our daughter's heart.

[Greenday]

That's....hickish and really lacking class to purposely be cleaning a firearm in the knowing that a date is coming over, or otherwise making sure a date sees the parent with a firearm.

What if it's April 1st?