Death

[DrFaroohk]

Thought about putting this in "Things I hate", but this isn't exactly a debate. I just feel the need to rant.

My stepson's father, in a cowardly act of bizarre stupidity, hanged himself last night.

I'm probably too hard on him - the man dealt with many personal demons. emotional problems, physical problems, drug problems. But ya know who's not going to understand that? The 7 year old boy who's not gonna get to see his daddy this weekend. Yeah, that's right you bastard. That little boy who looks up to you and thinks you're superman, the ONLY person in the world who doesn't realize what a piece of shit you are, is now going to wonder why he doesn't get to see you anymore.

Again, I hate to sound so judgemental of the guy. I know he had demons. He had the same emotion problems as me X1000. He's not perfect. But it's one thing to just be a flawed human being. the guy was a lowly piece of shit, but he was still great with his son. Most of the time anyway. Didn't drink much around him, didn't hit him, he loved that boy. And that boy loved his daddy.

And he just fucked it all up. To deal with his pain he just decided to hurt everyone around him and create a big giant shitstorm for the rest of us to clean up. now someone has to think of a delicate way to explain this to the boy. He's 7...we're debating just being as tactfully honest as we can...I dunno what the protocol is here.

It's kind of weird. I feel like I'm somewhere near the middle of the situation, as it's my family that's having problems right now, but still...the guy wasn't really anything to me, so at the same time I don't want to get involved too much. Hence why I'm here bitching while my wife and her mom console each other. 5 hours till Jr. gets home and we get find a way to deal.

Peace, thanks for reading y'all.

[telecom_goddess]

Oh my god....I am sorry for your son. That's going to haunt him for the rest of his life and he will remember it.

oh wow.

[Andara Bledin]

Oh, wow, that is awful.

For the kid, I think in that situation I'd try to explain that he had so many problems that he couldn't handle them and felt that it would be better if he went away from them all forever. And try to find some way to angle it so as to position the kid as helping him keep the problems away for a little while (and avoiding the idea that he stayed for the kid's sake, as that could imply that he suffered longer on his behalf). And I'd make sure that it was known that he wouldn't be coming back, however that works with the kid's maturity level.

It's an ugly, messy situation no matter how it goes down.

^-.-^

[DrFaroohk]

We've talked with a counselor and she said we should leave out the suicide part, and for right now just to tell him that his daddy was very sick. Jeffrey already knows his daddy liked to drink beer, so we're just gonna go with that for now. No need for a 7 year old to be learning specifics on ropes and rafters. Although he IS very mature for a 7 year old.

This is the same boy who watched his grampie die a year ago. Old geezer dropped dead right in front of him, and the boy handled it like a pro. Called 911, explained where he was, and...well he just handled it better than most adults i know would have. So I'm hoping he stays strong.

[DrFaroohk]

I have to say it's been a real wakeup call for me personally. there have been times that I, in moments of depression, have said to myself "Ya know what? this whole fucking world would be better off without me. " Which is exactly what went through Shawn's head before he took the plunge. But I'm intelligent enough to realize that it doesn't really solve anything, and after seeing first hand what this can do to someone....it just seems like the most god awful, selfish thing to do.

anything else could be forgiven. run away? fine. prison? fine. if he just disowned his kid it wouldn't have hurt as much as this probably will.

sorry if I'm ranting too much, just experiencing a varied swirl of emotions and concerns right now that I don't normally deal with on a daily basis. sad for my boy, sad for my wife, even sad for shawn. it's not like he said "man, how can i fuck with some people today? I know!" he was a very sick and diseased man.

[HYHYBT]

...

. . .

At least he already knows about death.

If you do wind up having to explain about suicide, it seems to me the trickiest part might be not giving any impression at all that it's a good idea, or something he should try when *he* has too much to deal with and is feeling low.

[anakhouri]

My mom teaches children who are at a psychiatric hospital (temporarily until their problems are under control...some never seem to leave though, or keep coming back). She teaches children the same age as your son.

One little boy went to fetch his father from another room and found his body. He'd hanged himself, which mom found out one day when she read a story featuring a belt and the poor boy flipped his lid.

Suicide is a supremely selfish act. The person is incapable of seeing beyond their own problems. He wasn't thinking of his son at all, he was only thinking of himself.

You seem like a good dad Dr, or at least you try hard (which is all any of us can do). With you can his mom to support him, he'll be OK.

[HYHYBT]

Suicide is a supremely selfish act. The person is incapable of seeing beyond their own problems.

Except, perhaps, if they do it so their family will collect insurance money But I don't think insurance companies are that stupid anymore.

[AdminAssistant]

HYHYBT, they aren't. Insurance companies won't pay out any benefits for a suicide.

[BlaqueKatt]

I would definitely ask if he wants to attend the funeral, for closure.

The reason i say this is my stepfather(the man who raised me from birth) died when I was 16. The man was a right bastard, he was cremated, I never saw the body, never got to say goodbye.

I'm still kinda messed up because of that, it's like I don't actually believe it, even after all this time.

Don't think, "oh he's too young", that's not YOUR decision to make, it's his, don't take it away from him, years from now he may resent it, or have serious issues because of it.

If he says he doesn't want to go, fine, but let him make the choice.

[DrFaroohk]

I expect he'll want to go. I hope he does, because it IS a good thing for closure.

Right now I'm trying to kind of stay out of the way of things. He's handling it pretty well, and his mother is taking good care of him, and right now I'm just kind of taking care of mama. Part of me feels like he needs me more than ever now, but I also don't want to overstep any boundaries and make him uncomfortable. He always understood that I was just Johnny, and his father was Daddy, and that's how things worked, and I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to replace his Daddy or something.

I haven't been the best "dad" to him and I always figured that since he has a father that he sees a lot he doesn't need me as much, but dammit I will change, when he's ready, and be this kid's dad.

Wish me luck!