How to tell him they are right?

[kiwi]

My BF got passed over for a promotion, one he really should have been choosen for, he failed the tests for it because he didn't study. It was really embarressing for him because there were 28 applicants and 25 got through. At first he seemed ashamed and admitted that is was his fault but now he will bring it up and tell me it was because of A or B or C when really he knows it was because he didn't put the effort in.

He asked for feedback from his managers and 3 different people sent him feedback all saying the same thing "needs to show more initiative". He said that he shows intiative ALL the time but truth be told he doesn't. In fact he probably shows the least amount of initiative than anyone else I have ever seen. He says he is just laid back but I can't seem to make him believe that their feedback is correct and that he does need to improve in that way.

When he asked if I thought the feedback was fair he got all hurt (I was gentle about it but told him that I thought they were correct) and he asked for examples. I gave him a few from our home life and he told me that people just dont understand his workprocess. He likes to think things through in his head fully then carry out his plan. I told him that he can work that way if wants but people want to see action as well as thinking and that when he is standing there "thinking" people think he is doing nothing.

He is not a lazy person in fact I think he is one of the hardest working people I know but he doesn't seem to be able to get stuff done without someone telling him exactly what they need he can't look at a situation and get moving on it. Just last night he was complaining how his side of the bedroom is always a shambles and mine is tidy. He blamed it on the fact he had less storage which is not true. We both have identical drawer sets and a wardrobe that is the same size for our clothes/shoes etc.

The difference is I pick up every single day, I do my laundry on a schedule, I put my stuff back as soon as I am done with it. He leaves everything on the floor or piled on top of his dresser, he doesn't hang his clothes up/ fold them from the laundry and waits until he has no clean clothes at all do to laundry.

But he doesn't see that smaller amounts of work during the week would mean his side stays tidy like mine. When he sees me picking up my side he just stands there and he will mention he has no clean clothes left on a sunday morning but not clean them until he panics at 6am monday when he has nothing to wear. Everytime he asks about it or talks about it he has a list of excuses as to why something works for everyone else but not for him!

What can I say to him to get him to understand that we do not live in a world where someone will do it for you! If you do not pick up your house will be messy, if you do not study, you will not pass a test. If you do not SHOW intiative then don't be surprised when your boss says so!

The next round of promotions is coming up and I have had to literally throw him out of the house to go study (he is supposed to do one chapter a week and do an online test) and it gets to Sunday afternoon before he cracks the book. It is so frustrating!

[Plaidman]

Do what Elaine did to her boyfriend, and what George's girlfriend did to him to get their respected boyfriends to do something they were being lazy in that episode of Seinfield.

Withhold sex. Just be sure to tell him. "No sex of any sort until you study and do test"

You could be really really mean and get him worked up somewhat, like dressing sexy around him or even dress up in his favorite fantasy girl, but that likely piss him off more then anything.

[Andara Bledin]

I'd just point out that either every last one of those people is lying to him, or he's lying to himself and you.

^-.-^

[telecom_goddess]

Oh lord he sounds like my bf. He ignores every responsibility he has, like paying a bill....and then gets pissed when he goes into collections and thinks they are fucking him over. He also doesn't pick up anything or do any of his own laundry or clean up after himself. If I didn't pickup/cleanup/throw away shit every day this place would be a disaster. And mine isn't hardworking either, and with mine witholding sex would be no change from what's happening now...TMI probably but gotta vent somewhere

[Andara Bledin]

t_g - You're still with that guy why?

^-.-^

[telecom_goddess]

t_g - You're still with that guy why?

^-.-^

Because while some people feel differently it's hard to just break up a relationship and deal with the repercussions. I need his financial help for one. Not that it's much but it's better than none. He does work at a full time job but that's ALL he does. Oh and work on his motorcyle....he'll clean that before he'll clean anything in the house.

Anyway I'm unhappy with my current situation but until I can find a way to get along financially without him I"m kinda stuck. I'm hoping my daughter who does have a job moves out soon, maybe I can rent out her room and get more income that way. And I'm trying to push my daughter who doesn't work to find a job...and yeah I should probably kick her ass to the curb if she doesn't find one but damn it she's my daughter and I can't bring myself to do that.

Enough thread jacking sorry.

[blas87]

Witholding sex doesn't work that way, it just makes the other person think you're fucking around on them. When you're not.

[kiwi]

Do what Elaine did to her boyfriend, and what George's girlfriend did to him to get their respected boyfriends to do something they were being lazy in that episode of Seinfield.

Withhold sex. Just be sure to tell him. "No sex of any sort until you study and do test"

You could be really really mean and get him worked up somewhat, like dressing sexy around him or even dress up in his favorite fantasy girl, but that likely piss him off more then anything.

The problem with this is, the motivation STILL wont be coming from him, it will be coming from ME.
His managers have told him he is not a self starter and he thinks he is, but for all intents and purposes he is not.
If I were to make him do something, that won't help him become a self starter at all it would do the opposite.

That and I think people who withhold sex from their partners in order to get what they want are totally wrong and immoral. I am not the type of female who needs to bargin with sex, that is one very small step removed from prostitution...ick.

I just don't now how to shake him from his "do as little as possible to get by" attitude. As I said, if he is set on a task he does it very well but he can't look around and see a job and start doing it himself and that's what his bosses want. I need to figure out how to get that through to him.

[Plaidman]

See, I have so very little experence with sex, I can only go by what I read and seen on tv sitcoms, and it's usually used in humorus ways.

Don't see how withholding it would make one think she/he is cheating though. From what little I know and experence, women like and want sex just as much as men do.


Not really prostitution in my eyes ether, that just a payment of an act that has no emontional attachment, all mechincial, and likely not even enjoyed that much by the prositution (Some anyways, not all).


Anyway, my point was that in that episode, it was the lack of sex that gave motivation. He may not be a self-starter, but if you find something, anything more tangible as a reward for working harder, it could work. As is, he doesn't see working or studying hard will get him promated, as his workplace doesn't /appreciate/ or /against/ him, or /the people promated did something like bribing,friendship,sex etc) to get promated, and therefor in his mindset, no amount of studying or working harder will get him promated. So get him to do the work by offering a different reward, and the promotion will come as a side benefit that he may not even realize until it's given to him.

[BlaqueKatt]

Don't see how withholding it would make one think she/he is cheating though. From what little I know and experence, women like and want sex just as much as men do.

that's exactly why. "you're not getting it from me, it's something you want, you must be getting it from someone else"

[Greenday]

Anyway, my point was that in that episode, it was the lack of sex that gave motivation. He may not be a self-starter, but if you find something, anything more tangible as a reward for working harder, it could work. As is, he doesn't see working or studying hard will get him promated, as his workplace doesn't /appreciate/ or /against/ him, or /the people promated did something like bribing,friendship,sex etc) to get promated, and therefor in his mindset, no amount of studying or working harder will get him promated. So get him to do the work by offering a different reward, and the promotion will come as a side benefit that he may not even realize until it's given to him.

Unless you are dealing with someone like me. No sex? Giving me the silent treatment? That's fine. I won't ask for sex and I'll just focus on other things I don't spend as much time on, like video games or sports. It won't phase me in which case it'll drive my SO mad. If you can't act adult enough to just talk it out with me, then I'm not wasting my time trying to figure out how to solve problems.

[Plaidman]

Unless you are dealing with someone like me. No sex? Giving me the silent treatment? That's fine. I won't ask for sex and I'll just focus on other things I don't spend as much time on, like video games or sports. It won't phase me in which case it'll drive my SO mad. If you can't act adult enough to just talk it out with me, then I'm not wasting my time trying to figure out how to solve problems.

Didn't say anything of not talking to him, in fact that's kinda crucial to get the point of what he won't get if he doesn't study.

that's exactly why. "you're not getting it from me, it's something you want, you must be getting it from someone else"

There is whole bunch of other issues at sake if one's thought is immedity to 'getting it' from someone else instead of something else, like self-love, or lack of intrest at that time. If a lack of intrest in sex is immedity thought to as one is cheating, then they really shouldn't be in that relationship at all.

[Greenday]

Didn't say anything of not talking to him, in fact that's kinda crucial to get the point of what he won't get if he doesn't study.

There is whole bunch of other issues at sake if one's thought is immedity to 'getting it' from someone else instead of something else, like self-love, or lack of intrest at that time. If a lack of intrest in sex is immedity thought to as one is cheating, then they really shouldn't be in that relationship at all.

I was just posting another tactic some people like to use.

Well, look at it this way. Everyone has needs. And if someone is going for awhile not fulfilling those needs with you...where ARE they fulfilling them?

[Rapscallion]

I was just posting another tactic some people like to use.

Well, look at it this way. Everyone has needs. And if someone is going for awhile not fulfilling those needs with you...where ARE they fulfilling them?

Sometimes the answers are within arms reach...

Rapscallion (thanks for the easy one, by the way)

[Plaidman]

I was just posting another tactic some people like to use.

Well, look at it this way. Everyone has needs. And if someone is going for awhile not fulfilling those needs with you...where ARE they fulfilling them?

Same exact way millions have done it when there wasn't another person in reach. The same way that those that can't get dates, nor afford an escort do it.