Being Fair about the Fair

[jackfaire]

My daughter has a little brother. He isn't my son but rather the son of my ex-wife and her boyfriend.

They aren't always the best parents. They care little about what's good for their kids and more about what's good for them. That's not the point.

Sam's (the brother) dad tends to kind of ignore him and doesn't seem like the kind of guy that wanted or accepts having kids. As such I have always tried to include Sam in me and my daughter Kat hanging out. When he is there on my visit days I will play with him as well as my daughter and rough house with him and wrestle and such things he loves.

At first he started calling me dad and I corrected him I am Kat's dad and he can call me by name, he still refuses instead opting to call me Kat's Dad. I feel sorry for the kid because largely his parents seem to worry either how he will reflect on them with his problems (his mom's attitude) or see him as a meal ticket due to his being eligible for disability (dad's attitude).

I already took my daughter to the fair this year and I thought it might be nice for him if he got to go too. I am probably going to wait until next year and take him when I take her but I gotta know do you think I am overstepping my bounds?

I love the kid and I can't stand seeing him get left out cuz his parents don't think to take him to something cool like the fair.

[Imprl59]

Yes, you are probably overstepping your bounds. For that childs sake thank God you are willing to do so. It sounds like he really needs a positive role model in his life that cares about him. Just tread carefully, especially with the dad thing. The last thing you want to happen is for them to get pissed off and make it hard to see your daughter.

[Andara Bledin]

While you're there to see your daughter, I don't see any problems with including the boy in your play.

However, any time it's a matter of giving gifts or going out to other places, I would make a point of asking, first. That way, when and if things go sideways because the kid realizes that you're a good parent and they're not, you have the defense that you did nothing they did not agree to before-hand. I would suggest asking via email or some other way that can be archived. Hopefully you'll never need it, but better safe than sorry, particularly since it concerns your daughter.

^-.-^

[Aethian]

I used to be taken to the fair with my "older brothers" we weren't related but their Mom was my baby sitter. It came to the point where his Grandparents were my Grandparents and his one Grandpa was only too thrilled to have a Granddaughter he could spoil with "My Little Pony" ponies.

[Victoria J]

I think that one of the big issues is how it affects your daughter.

Your daughter deserves to have some special connection with you - in the same way the boy should get that with his father.

However he is her brother and that makes him potentially very important in her life. If she loves him (in the complicated way of sisters and brothers) then I think the good think to do is for you to love him. This was the attitude my mother took with my half-sister. Unfortunately there are huge issues there that turned it into something less positive, that don't apply here - but I hugely admire her for that initial choice. Other people might have chosen instead to be jealous or resentful, but for her it was easy. My sister was important to me, I am important to her, therefore my sister is important to her.

This could also help her have a good relationship with her brother when she is older.

Then there is the fact that presumably your daughter spends time with his father. Hopefully there are attempts to treat them equally in many ways (though again not necessarily all). If he shares his father it seems right she should share hers. It's sad that his isn't of equal value but that's not the boys fault.

Lastly I think if you can make a positive difference to a child's life that will always be a good thing to do.

Of course you need to check with his parents but it doesn't sound like they're likely to stop someone else putting in time and effort instead of them.

I'd suggest that you include him in lots of the things you do. Then choose something he wouldn't want to do for just you and your daughter. A specific interest of hers, a girly thing (don't want to stereotype, but putting up with girly things that a small boy won't is often the way to be a good father to a little girl), something appropriate for her age but not his. That way she gets to spend time with you too. If the little boy has a particular interest you could encourage that without necessarily the same effort and expense - I suspect just showing enough interest in him for a little cheap gift that is actually something he's interested in would be a huge deal.

Short version - be nice to children !

Victoria J

[jackfaire]

Short version - be nice to children !

Victoria J

If only that went without saying.

No totally I do a lot of things with my daughter that are just me and her type things. Many of the things we do together are for us alone but somethings like the fair where we did it with my sister and her kids seem like a situation where her brother could be included.

I try to be very aware of how my daughter feels about my relationship with her brother especially since she "doesn't like him, he touches my toys, etc" She is still at that age where he annoys her.