Relationships with Parents

[guywithashovel]

Have any of you experienced a change in your relationship with one or both of your parents?

When I was growing up, I was always closer to my mom than my dad. Part of this was because I was around her more. See, my dad worked second shift at a factory, and that factory was a two-hour drive away from home. Therefore, he was usually gone in the evenings when I was home from school. Another reason was that Mom was calmer and more patient than Dad was. That brings me to the reason for bringing this subject up.

In his younger days, my dad was not the most easy-going guy around. He had a very violent temper. He wasn't the kind to get mad and get into fights and physically hurt other people. He would just get mad and yell, cuss, scream, and possibly destroy inanimate objects. Just to give an illustration of this, a house we lived in when I was a little kid had a Florida room, and one day he was doing something in that Florida room. Something didn't work right, and he lost his temper and picked up a ladder and hurled it through one of the windows.

When I was a kid, I used to cringe whenever he asked me to help him with some task around the house (some repair work that needed done, random handywork, etc.). It wasn't that I didn't want to do whatever job needed done. It was just that I knew that if everything didn't go smoothly, he'd have one of his meltdowns.

Long story short, I can remember spending time as a kid wondering if this man even liked me. However, as I've said in other threads, I've recently bought a house, and he has helped out a lot with it, and he's done it in a much calmer way. He and mom have even helped out a little financially. See, this was a HUD house, and it needed some repair work (a little more than I initially thought). They've helped me buy replacement windows as well as a few other random things. Now that we're getting close to having most of the pertinent work done so that I can move in, Dad told me to just let him know if there's ever a project I want to do and he'll try to find time to come up to Columbus and help me with it.

One time, a few weeks ago, he'd spent several days of a week he had off from work up here helping me fix things up, and after I thanked him for coming up, he just put his hand on my shoulder and said, "That's what moms and dads are for." 10-15 years ago, I couldn't have pictured him doing that.

Also, I've noticed that in the past five years or so, that temper he had has cooled down a lot. It's still there; don't get me wrong. Sometimes if he's doing something, and it doesn't work right away, he'll get upset, but it's usually just "For God's sakes, will this damn thing just work!?!" But then he'll get it working and everything will be fine.

Has anyone else experienced this? I have heard that people often calm down as they get older, but this transformation has happened within the past five years or so. Of course, in that time, my sister has gotten married and had two daughters, so maybe having grandchildren has been a contributing factor.

I'm actually starting to feel like I can talk to Dad about things, and I've never really felt that way before.

[Mishi]

My mother's a control freak, but despite her abuse and bullshit I was really close to her growing up (home-schooled, so didn't have much of an option). I didn't really know how to relate to Dad, even though he was and is my favourite, because he was working hard to support us. Now that I don't talk to my mother and flatly refuse to see her, Dad and I are much closer even though they're still married. He's able to communicate better as well now that we're both older, because he doesn't worry so much about my gender (generational hang-up) and accidentally offending me anymore (I'm not as sensitive as I used to be, good self-esteem and a dark sense of humour really makes a difference). Dad has a bit of a temper, but that's okay because I have one too and we both have pretty decent self control and a lot of empathy. We're friends now, I'm able to talk with him about most things and he's starting to view me as an equal. I really like the change

[jackfaire]

With my dad when I was young he abused me and when he wasn't doing that he wasn't home as he was working full time and going to school fulltime.

He was basically just this guy that came home hurt me then left. Most of my memories from that time in my life are just my mom being around.

When I got to High school the abuse had stopped from him and he started being around more having graduated college and finally having the much better job he had been striving for. In high school we started getting closer and suddenly he became the person I could talk to about everything.

It was a nice change but always a bit unnerving at the same time.

[IDrinkaRum]

I used to be in awe of my dad. I think it was a little girl putting her Daddy on a pedestal. As I've gotten older, my dad's pedestal is more like the front steps of the house.

I still get along better with my dad than with my mom. My husband thinks it's because she & I are so much alike. I don't see it, but I'm closer to the situation than he is, so he has an "outsider's" point of view (so to speak).

But now ... after some things ... I feel a real chasm between my mother and myself. And the only thing it does is pisses me off because she's also taking it out on my daughter.

[jackfaire]

My mom and my exwife had the exact same kind of relationship my mom had with her mother in law.

The type that for years my mom said, "I just wish she wouldn't be so judgmental of me and accept me for who I am."

I can tell fom the outside it's because they are very similar people and my mom slipped MIL blinders on when I got married.

Sometimes the outside view is a clearer one.

For the longest time I didn't believe people when they said I was a lot like my dad until I stopped to think about it.

[Andara Bledin]

My husband thinks it's because she & I are so much alike.

This is actually fairly common. The older person will see things in the younger that they don't like about themselves, and will then act out against the younger for those things. It's not necessarily a conscious choice.

My brother and youngest aunt have a lot of traits in common. She's somewhat of a bitch, and she knows it. But she's particularly rude to my brother over those things that are most similar to her own bad traits.

Of course, in the case of my brother, if you point out any traits that he has in common with either our aunt or our father (who, honestly, was a complete asshole to my brother right up until he (dad) managed to drug himself senseless) then he'll go completely ballistic and yell that he isn't anything like either of them.

As for Mom, other than some favoring of the brother to try to counter Dad's dickishness, she's pretty cool.

^-.-^

[blas87]

My mom and I were not close growing up. She was overbearing, overly strict, and seemed to find anything she could to ruin my life.

I was always Daddy's girl, Dad saved me from unfair punishments and stood up for me against Mom, Dad was always fair and didn't favor my brother over me.

I moved out at 19.

Dad's a really bad alcoholic now. I don't talk to him much.

Mom and I have been close since I moved away.

And I have to move back when my lease is up. I am terrified.

[aurelemsrealm]

I've always had a fairly decent relationship with my parents.

There was a period of time going into my teenage years that I didn't get along with my dad so well, but he was still there for me when I really needed him. It was just during that time we seemed to butt heads frequently because he was domineering, overbearing, and very short-tempered. Despite the frequent arguments and fights, I could still go talk to him if something was bothering me.

During this same period of time, my mother was depressive and drank a lot. She and my sister didn't get along, and she was constantly complaining about Dad or Sis to me because she felt no one else listened or cared. Mom and I would stay up late talking about things, but sometimes I would get annoyed at how negative and pessimistic she often was when she started drinking. I kind of felt like she leaned on me too much for moral support, but we had good conversations if we got to talking about other things besides home life.

As I graduated high school and went into college, I noticed that my parents gradually let me have more independence because I did take responsibility for myself. They still helped me with things if I needed help or were there if I needed to talk, but they pretty much let me live my own life and do my own thing. Even when I did live at home for short periods of time, they let me come and go as I pleased. Occasionally, they'd ask me to help out with household chores, but didn't even ask very much.

Over time, I've noticed that Dad has seemed to mellow out, and Mom has come to realize that she can feel free to claim her own sense of satisfaction with life. For years now, they will call to chat every so often, and come to visit once or twice a year. They let me live my life as I see fit. They offer advice and support if I ask. All in all, I have a good relationship with my parents. I don't see them as often as I'd like because I now live several states away from my hometown.