Men and Women Can't Be Friends

[jackfaire]

Make sure the person you are befriending doesn't misunderstand your intentions. If it's unclear, it can lead to feelings of betrayal and feeling like you've been "played with," even if that wasn't the intention.

Having been on both sides of this I feel the fault is usually with the person that feels like they have been played with.

Usually that is the person playing games and not saying, "Hey I like you as more than a friend" Then they get mad when the other person is dating other people.

"Like wait how do you not know I like you?"

Simple because you never made it clear that you did.

Having to read "signs" is almost impossible because what means "I like you" for one person means "we are just friends" for someone else.

[guywithashovel]

And how careful should the person thinking they are going to get their dick wet be? Wouldn't the onus of communication be on the person who expected MORE than was actually happening?

/eyeroll

First off, "get their dick wet" is a crude way to put it.

But to answer the question, the onus of communication would to some extent be on both, but probably more so on the person who instigates the friendship more.

[Sleepwalker]

'instigates the friendship' is an awkward, obfuscating way to put it. I am assuming, of course, that 'instigate the friendship' means 'pursue a sexual/romantic relationship'.

Really, it is a confusing phrase.

[Kheldarson]

No, it's not. Instigate means to start. So, whoever is really pursuing the relationship (i.e. the one handling more of the invitations, going out of the way to hang out, etc.) should probably be the one to open the conversation on how far they want said friendship to go.

[Andara Bledin]

It takes two to tango, and it takes two to be friends.

Whoever wants more is the one that needs to be communicating. Making assumptions regarding what you think the other party wants without confirmation is an entitled douchebag mentality, particularly if you feel the need to get all butthurt when it turns out your assumptions were wrong.

^-.-^

[Greenday]

Whoever wants more is the one that needs to be communicating. Making assumptions regarding what you think the other party wants without confirmation is an entitled douchebag mentality, particularly if you feel the need to get all butthurt when it turns out your assumptions were wrong.

So if one person assumes that the other person wants to be just friends when in reality the other person wants more, they fit your definition, do they not?

[jackfaire]

So if one person assumes that the other person wants to be just friends when in reality the other person wants more, they fit your definition, do they not?

No because she quantified it with the person that wants more. Plus If the person is being friendly with you then it's a given they want to be friends since that is the relationship both you and the other person are actively seeking out but if the other person wants more and aren't actively seeking out more from you then it's not your fault for not knowing they wanted more.

[Sleepwalker]

No, it's not. Instigate means to start. So, whoever is really pursuing the relationship (i.e. the one handling more of the invitations, going out of the way to hang out, etc.) should probably be the one to open the conversation on how far they want said friendship to go.

Just... no.

[Greenday]

No because she quantified it with the person that wants more. Plus If the person is being friendly with you then it's a given they want to be friends since that is the relationship both you and the other person are actively seeking out but if the other person wants more and aren't actively seeking out more from you then it's not your fault for not knowing they wanted more.

You can be friendly but want to be more than friends.

[Andara Bledin]

You can be friendly but want to be more than friends.

Oh, absolutely!

However, if you really want to be more than friends with someone but never tell them so and then find out from some other source that they have no intention of ever being more than friends, don't get all worked up and start calling them names and accuse them of wrongdoing because they didn't read your mind

^-.-^.

[Boozy]

No, it's not. Instigate means to start. So, whoever is really pursuing the relationship (i.e. the one handling more of the invitations, going out of the way to hang out, etc.) should probably be the one to open the conversation on how far they want said friendship to go.

Dear lord, that would lead to the most awkward conversations.

Why would I tell someone I have no interest in screwing them if they've never communicated their interest in screwing me?

"Well, thanks for the beer, Dave. It was good seeing you. Also, we will not be fucking in the future. Have a good night!"

Can it not be assumed that two people do not want to sleep together UNLESS one says otherwise? After all, I've been friends and acquaintances with many people over the course of my life, and I haven't slept with the vast majority of them.

[Andara Bledin]

Can it not be assumed that two people do not want to sleep together UNLESS one says otherwise?

This is essentially what I said.

It's the one that wants the relationship to go further that has a duty to speak up.

^-.-^

[Kheldarson]

Dear lord, that would lead to the most awkward conversations.

Why would I tell someone I have no interest in screwing them if they've never communicated their interest in screwing me?

"Well, thanks for the beer, Dave. It was good seeing you. Also, we will not be fucking in the future. Have a good night!"

Can it not be assumed that two people do not want to sleep together UNLESS one says otherwise? After all, I've been friends and acquaintances with many people over the course of my life, and I haven't slept with the vast majority of them.

I never said that. What I said was that instigate means to start, so if one party is handling the majority of the "heavy work" then they need to start the convo on what they want.

You meet with Dave regularly to get beers, and alternate getting the tab. This is an equal partnership with same apparent ideals on what the friendship entails, namely, drinking together. However, if you or Dave are the one constantly setting the time and picking up the tab, it's likely that whichever one of you wants something more out of the relationship than just a drinking buddy. Therefore, you're the instigator and need to start the conversation about what you'd like to increase the relationship to.

[Mytical]

Lets not forget, the best relationships are built around being friends first anyhow. So the men and women can not be friends is already wrong on that alone. Most of my friends are female (though a lot do not talk to me anymore ). and there is no desire on my part to be more then that.

[Sleepwalker]

You meet with Dave regularly to get beers, and alternate getting the tab. This is an equal partnership with same apparent ideals on what the friendship entails, namely, drinking together. However, if you or Dave are the one constantly setting the time and picking up the tab, it's likely that whichever one of you wants something more out of the relationship than just a drinking buddy. Therefore, you're the instigator and need to start the conversation about what you'd like to increase the relationship to.

It sounds like 'Dave' is the one assuming that picking up the tab means sex is going to ensue, and should fucking inquire rather than sit there being all frustrated because tab picking up means sex to him and means something else entirely to 'you'.

Shit, my best friend picks up the tab all the time, and we sure as shit aren't going to be bumping uglies any time soon. She makes 5 times what I do and knows it, is all.