What's the difference

[DrFaroohk]

I have a 3 year old and a 7 year old.

Bedtime: "It's time for bed!"

3 year old: "Ok daddy! Let's go!"

7 year old: Rolls around on floor crying and kicking and screaming.

Suppertime:

3 year old: Sits at her chair, observes us, eats, and sometimes adds to the conversation. Uses good manners when receiving food, and without being told, will help clean off the table.

7 year old: Won't sit still for more than 2 seconds, "has" to get up every 2 seconds for something, and does nothing but complain about the meal. Asking him to clean off the table is met with stomping feet, crying, and loud grunting sounds of protestation.

Chores:

3 year old: Helps in what limited capacity she has for comprehension and critical thinking at this age. Does her best to help me even if it's beyond her capabilities.

7 year old: Kicks and screams at the very notion of doing chores, stalls and argues and complains about every last task, and will only halfass the bare minimum to make it look like he's busy. Typically, chores such as "bring the dishes out of the living room", which may amount to a handful of cups and a few plates, will take at least an hour.

Potty:

3 year old: Climbs on toilet, does business, needs help wiping, gets down. Not totally out of diapers, but doing well.

7 year old: Pisses all over toilet seat, or "Poops" for 45 minutes, during which time he will inevitably need a bandaid at some point. (?)

[the_std]

I'm sorry, but asking us to objectively judge your kids from a standpoint where all we know about them is what you've told us is, in essence, a bad idea. There are way too many variables, and I think too many opening for hurt feelings in a topic such as this. The list of possibilities is nearly endless, including upbringing, personality, diet, exercise levels, style of education, the methods of punishment you use, basic DNA make-up... On and on and ON.

[Andara Bledin]

They're not the same person, so they're not going to act the same. It's as simple as that.

^-.-^

[HYHYBT]

I'm sorely tempted to ask about the bandaids, yet afraid even to guess at what the answer might be.

[bara]

Could be any number of things. Subsequent children often learn certain behaviors faster. Possibly older child is jealous of younger child. Andara hit the nail pretty good too, different individuals. Could be expectations changed from one child to the next.

Most likely a mix of many factors.

[DrFaroohk]

I'm sorely tempted to ask about the bandaids, yet afraid even to guess at what the answer might be.

Meh, I don't even know half the time. It usually involves doing something he shouldn't be doing in a place he should be at a time he should be somewhere else.

I used to think it was just me, but I realized he pisses everyone off. A lot of it IS my own fault, but I'm really trying to do better and be more of a parent and less of that asshole who lives here and tells me what to do. But it's HARD!!!!!! Everything is a battle, and it's like, I got one little girl who's mine, and then this other kid who's not mine, but I'm trying to love him like he's mine, but he makes it so fucking difficult every step of the way!

It's like "Here, do 15 minutes of chores and you get to have xbox live and candy and soda!"

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I HATE CHORES! !!!!!! I HATE YOU! I HATE THIS WHOLE HOUSE! CHORES ARE STUPID!" /tears of rage

[Rapscallion]

There are adoption agencies around. Just saying.

Rapscallion

[IDrinkaRum]

Your 7 year old sounds like my 8 year old daughter.

My 8 year old daughter who has an Autism Spectrum Disorder, a (suspected on my part) Sensory Processing Disorder, and (confirmed by developmental pediatrician) Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.*

I would suggest you talk to your child's pediatrician if you can (or even just call the nurse's line most pediatrician offices have) to inquire.

It would help you and yours tremendously.




*I am not saying DrFaroohk's 7 year old has the same issues as my child, I'm just saying I see similarities and intervention as early as one can get for their child (special needs or not) can help.

[crashhelmet]

How much attention is given towards the 3 year old compared to the 7 year old? It's quite possible that the 7 year old is acting out due to a lack of attention. It's quite common, especially when the child was the sole object of the attention for a few years.

[Mytical]

Every child is different, though there are a few 'common' things that parents seem to go through for the most part. I've heard horror stories about the terrible twos for instance. Kids are people, and people can almost always surprise you, however.

Take me and my brother. No offense to my brother, may he rest in peace, but he was a brat. Demanding, spoiled, etc. Turned out to be a great person, but when young ALWAYS tried to have everything his way. To the point where he would cry to be carried when 3 years old because he didn't want my mom to carry me (at six months old). Despite being a brat..he was mostly a sweetheart. Though he'd throw a tantrum at a drop of a hat, he never did anything but cry and throw tantrums.

I was a very quiet child. Very independent. I was evil mind you, but got away with a lot because everybody thought I was the good child (Muhahahahaha). Wouldn't fuss, do what was asked of me. Learned to walk early (actually I can thank my brother for that). Etc. Said please and thank you..basically to outward appearance was an angel. I just hid my mischievousness well

Sometimes it is not the ones that throw tantrums that you have to watch out for..sometimes it is the ones that do everything that they are asked..and never hardly cry. Remember .. it is the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

[Ree]

Children develop at different rates.
Maturity levels seem to fluctuate a bit as they react to changes in their environment and within their bodies.

It's a known fact that the male and female brain are wired just a bit differently.

I don't know if your 3 year old has just come through the "terrible two's", but perhaps now she is showing a certain level of maturity when compared to previous behaviour.
It may not last.
Maybe it will.
Only time will tell.

She may just be one of those very well-behaved, considerate and obliging children who will grow to become a very organized and thoughtful person.

The 7 year old is your stepson.
Perhaps there's a bit of bias on your part, whether you realize it or not.
Normal male exuberance and stubbornness may just rub you the wrong way because, despite trying to love him as your own, a part of you knows he isn't.

If I recall, your 7 year old has had a lot on his plate for a young boy. I seem to remember you posting that his father committed suicide some time in the past year.

Has he properly dealt with the death?
I think you had a lot of questions around how to talk to him about it, and whether you should tell the truth about the cause of the death.
How was it eventually handled?

Does he feel free to talk about his feelings about his father?

In answer to your question, as others have stated, they're different people, and they are not going to behave the same way, as frustrating as that may be.

[DrFaroohk]

I don't really know if he's properly dealt with his dad's death or not. I mean, he cried, he was sad a while, but honestly...I don't think he had such an awesome relationship with his dad that he's extremely broken up about it. He'd see his dad every couple of weekends, sometimes every weekend, sometimes not for 6 months if he was in jail or the hospital. Even when he did see him, it was more like "Sit in front of the TV while I do other stuff".

So he was upset for about a week and he seems to have moved on.

Bias: I reallly, REALLY try not to show bias. And there were other girlfriends in my past with kids I was really involved in, so I don't think there's a "Not My Kid" Mentality in there. I will admit some minor "preferences" when it comes to which kid I deal with sometimes, it's like, do I want the kid who's pleasant 90% of the time, or the one who does nothing but bitch and whine 90% of the time?

Attention: Honestly, little girl gets more attention. She needs it! She needs someon e to help her get dressed - he doesn't. She needs someone to pour her a glass of milk or get her a snack. He does not need these things as much.

And of course...sometimes the treatment we get reflects our behavior. I'm much more likely to let little girl slide on things because A) she's polite and pleasant and B) 9/10 times she's not being naughty at all, so she kinda gets a little leeway.

Whereas little boy will, from the moment he gets up, try and piss us off. It starts with morning, he won't get out of bed, won't get dressed, won't even turn his head to try and find his backpack, so by 7:30 in the morning, he's shown more bad behavior than little girl does all day.

Then like, bedtime. Little girl gets more attention at bedtime. Daddy lugs her downstairs, covers her up, reads stories, rubs her back and sings to her.

Daddy TRIES to have an involved bedtime with Little Boy, except typically he fights and fights and argues until one by one he loses all his privileges and is pretty much banished to his room with a drink of water if he's lucky.

He's given the same opportunities, it just seems he doesn't want to capitalize on them.

So when he wonders why....

...why does sister get more praise? Because she earns it. Why does he get yelled at all the time? Because he earns it. If he wants praise, all he has to do is the very simple chores I give him, like transfer this dirty plate from the table to the sink.

Typically that will involve him staring at the table, saying "I don't see a plate" (right in front of him), me reminding him to use his eyes, still no finding it, I have to come physically pick it up and hand it to him, followed by him either A) putting it somewhere else, like the bathtub or B) throwing the plate into the sink as hard as he can. This is all AFTER we've gotten over the crying and bitch fit.

It's not like I ask anything tough out of him. It's not like "Strip n wax the kitchen floor for me" or "Clean my bedroom". It's stupid things like "Pick up the cans in your room and put them in the white bag." Or "Take this pile of dirty dishes and put them in the sink".

I've even tried stuff like "No more fun of any kind until we straighten out!" Which just gets more crying. even minor warnings like "Hey, if you don't do your chores, you won't get XBOX tonight." is followed by "WAAAAAAAAAAH I'M GONNA LOSE MY XBOX!" "No you're not!" "YES I AM YOU SAID WAAAAAAAAAH!" "Only if you don't do your chores." "BUT I WON'T DO THEM WAAAAAAAH SO I'M GONNA LOSE MY XBOX WAAAAAAHHH!"

I know, it's just awful to complain about kids, and even worse about stepkids, but I think that mentality is what leads to child abuse.

[Ree]

I don't really know if he's properly dealt with his dad's death or not. I mean, he cried, he was sad a while, but honestly...I don't think he had such an awesome relationship with his dad that he's extremely broken up about it. He'd see his dad every couple of weekends, sometimes every weekend, sometimes not for 6 months if he was in jail or the hospital. Even when he did see him, it was more like "Sit in front of the TV while I do other stuff".

So he was upset for about a week and he seems to have moved on.

He's 7 years old. He lost a parent, albeit from what sounds like not that great a relationship, and his stepfather, who is supposed to be his source of support, has no idea whether he properly dealt with his father's death???

Hmmm..odd that you're scratching your head over his poor behaviour.

[DrFaroohk]

He's 7 years old. He lost a parent, albeit from what sounds like not that great a relationship, and his stepfather, who is supposed to be his source of support, has no idea whether he probably dealt with his father's death???

Well I'm not psychic. How do I know if he's got some deep locked away piece of pain he's acting out? I know he's talked about it, he's cried, he's been sad and he seems to be ok now. Also when he DOES Mention his dad it's not like "This is just like me and daddy used...to...dooooooooooooooooooooooo oh my god I'm in so much pain!"

But I'm not psychic.

[Ree]

But I'm not psychic.

Apparently not all that aware regarding child behaviour, either.