Some Guys' Attitudes About Sex

[AdminAssistant]

I'm either really, really 'in the mood' or I'm not at all. I'm not going to fake it. I don't mind if he watches porn or uses sleeves or masturbates every damn day. But I'm not going to have sex when I don't want and I'm not going to be guilted into blow jobs either. Go watch some porn and masturbate. Of course, we still have sex several times a week. If one of us was withholding to the point of causing the other to want to cheat, we'd have to discuss ending the relationship.

[siead_lietrathua]

ohh, im gonna get flamed for this BUT!
if your partner is refusing to meet your needs, you there is nothing wrong with going elsewhere. if your partner cared about your well being and needs, they would be fine with you going elsewhere. if your partner is selfish and only cares about their own wants, then they force you to remain celibate for...what? their pride?
repression leads to resentment, and nothing kills love like resentment.

[AdminAssistant]

If your partner is refusing your needs, then you need to go to therapy, counseling...something. At least have a discussion. If you as a couple choose to have an open relationship, then fine. But cheating is cheating.

[siead_lietrathua]

i'm not saying cheating isnt cheating. i'm saying some people push their partners away to such an extent that the cheating is justified.
i'm wondering if this dislike of cheating is jsut sex-based, or if emotional affairs are met with such venom as well?

[Lace Neil Singer]

Cheating is never justified. If you feel the urge to go bang someone else, then call it a day in your relationship. If the relationship is an open one, and both people agree to it, then that's all well and good. But if someone is sneaking off to fuck anything that moves just cuz their other half won't have sex with them (and not even talking about it; person might have a medical condition, be tired and stressed from work or just be exhausted from doing all the chores and childcare, for example) then why the hell are they in that relationship anyway? Ditch your other half and stay single if you can't commit.

If the other person has no reason for their refusal to have sex and are withholding it out of spite, then dump them. If they do have a reason, then if you love them, work it thru with them rather than sloping off and shagging a stranger. If not for your supposed feelings for that person, then try to keep it in your pants for the sake of their sexual health. Sleeping with loads of different people means that you may pick something up and pass it on to your unwary partner; even if you use protection, you can still catch something nasty like crabs or herpes for example.

[siead_lietrathua]

the STD argument i always find flawed. why is it ok for a serial-monogamist to sleep with several people over a lifetime, facing the same if not more risks of stds, than a married person that has one lover.
really. some poly people i know can count their sexual partners on one hand. some monogamists don't even bother keeping track.

some people dont start banning sex from their partners until after marrige as well. if the "needer" is the primary breadwinner, and jsut up and left because they wern't getting laid from someone they loved, it could put their partner, children, etc, into destitute conditions. i dunno about you but i would think forcing my family into a homeless shelter because i want booty would be FAR worse than just taking booty on the side.

[Lace Neil Singer]

the STD argument i always find flawed. why is it ok for a serial-monogamist to sleep with several people over a lifetime, facing the same if not more risks of stds, than a married person that has one lover.
really. some poly people i know can count their sexual partners on one hand. some monogamists don't even bother keeping track.

Did I say it was? Don't put words into my mouth. If you are a poly, one would assume that your wife/husband is fully aware and approving of your other relationships and is fine with the risks. However, if you're a cheat and banging someone else on the side without their knowledge, you are putting them at risk without their consent. You might not think that selfish, but I disagree.

some people dont start banning sex from their partners until after marrige as well. if the "needer" is the primary breadwinner, and jsut up and left because they wern't getting laid from someone they loved, it could put their partner, children, etc, into destitute conditions. i dunno about you but i would think forcing my family into a homeless shelter because i want booty would be FAR worse than just taking booty on the side.

Again, you're putting words into my mouth. As long as we're going down the fantasy worst case scenario road, what if your other half found out about your affairs and committed suicide after smothering their kids as a result? I think that they'd rather be alive and sundered from you rather than cheated on and dead. See, I can make wild fantasy scenarios too!

[siead_lietrathua]

i dont recall putting words in your mouth. you mentioned STDs, and you mentioned that if someone bans you from sex, you should dump them. i presented a reason that would counter STDs as an threat to only cheaters, and a reason as to why they may not dump their partner.
nowhere in any of that last post did i say "you, neil". actually i didnt use the term "you" at all, even as a generic. heck, i didnt even quote any direct phrases from you. claming i put words in your mouth is bunk and a distraction tactic.

i never said cheating isnt selfish (you putting words in MY mouth, amusingly

You might not think that selfish, but I disagree.

). i am saying that cheating isnt any MORE selfish than denying a partner sex. they are BOTH selfish acts. why is it ok for one partner to be selfish, and not the other?

[Jaden]

why is it ok for one partner to be selfish, and not the other?

It's not, but one selfish act doesn't justify another, and that isn't putting words in your mouth, that's what you said. That the cheating is justified in that situation. If your sexual needs aren't being satisfied, there is no excuse for not trying to work it out with your partner and have some discussion about it. If no agreement can be reached, i.e., the other partner isn't comfortable with an open relationship but also doesn't want to sleep with you, your two options are either to learn to deal with it or to leave the relationship for somebody who does fulfill your needs. I don't see any justification for cheating in this scenario. Two wrongs do not make a right.

[siead_lietrathua]

it's been made to seem like everyone who cheats must have never tried talking to their partner about their problems first. usually cheating is the last resort after many many attempts at resolving the relationship issues.

say if someone's partner was someone that the "needing" partner was heavily in love with, but was emotionally unavailable due to XYZ reason. instead of getting into constant battles about how their partner is emotionally unavailable, they instead go to a best friend for the loving emotional support they need. i dont see people screaming from the mountaintops about these "emotional affairs". hell it's considered socially acceptable to the point of being chick-flick jokes (friendzone anyone?)
but put genitals in the mix and suddenly the "needing" partner is some sex-crazed fiend with no self control or care for their partner. sorry but, i just don't get the diffrence between emotional or physical affaird, other than the level of skin-contact.
a person does not own their partners mind, body, or anything else and should not place restrictions on their partner that the partner doesn't want to agree to.

so, in the end, i think this will have to be an agree to disagree opinion thing based on our individual life experiences. *shrug*

[blas87]

Attempts at resolving the problem....oh gee, would that include bitching about your "prude" girlfriend who won't give you any to your pals so they can try to encourage you to pick someone up for some random fun?

Secretly signing up for an online dating site, etc etc etc.

I'm sure that's really working on the problem.

Anyone who wants to cheat on me because I dare deny them sex, well, good riddance. Hopefully before they catch anything that I'd be at risk of catching.

That'd be as ridiculous as me cheating because this guy doesn't always pay for me when we go out.

[siead_lietrathua]

sigh. by attempts i mean therapy, couples councilling, consultations with medical personnell and genuine discussions about opening the marrige. most of those options, BTW, which are shot down by the nonsexual partner because they dont see a problem. because the problem isnt theirs, it's the sexual-partners. surely they can jsut go jerk off and it will all be fine. oh wait, no, jerking off to porn is also cheating, that's not allowed either. (and no hypotheticals here, i know women with those exact attitudes)

at this point i'm bowing out of the thread. it seems pointless to go in circles. again, chalk it up to a diffrence of opinion based on our individual life experiences.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Jerking off to porn doesn't count as cheating; there isn't someone else in the mix. I don't know any women or have ever known any who'd count that as cheating. True, they might be a bit concerned if you spend your entire life with a magazine or internet site and don't ever emerge, or if you're putting them in debt by spending all the joint account income on your porn habit, but otherwise, most women would prefer it to you going off and banging some tart you picked up in a bar.

Here's a good scenario to liken the STD risk to. Say I want you to come bungee jumping with me. In the first scenario, I ask you and outline the risks. I also make sure you're well equipped with safety equipment and have an ambulance on standby in case something goes wrong. This would compare to an open relationship, with both members consenting and an emergency plan, ie to get the morning after pill or go to the clinic, laid out.

In the second scenario, I don't tell you anything. I just wait til you're not paying attention then I tie an elastic rope around your ankles and shove you off a cliff. That is what cheating on an unknowing partner is like. You are putting their sexual and emotional health at risk for no good reason... and the fact that she won't let you fuck her doesn't count as a good reason. Either end the relationship, or live without sex. Set her free to find some guy who's not going to go and shag someone else if she won't have sex.

[Aethian]

The only thing I regret about it is that it took until I was 27

29 here...in fact almost 11 months ago.

[Andara Bledin]

I used to chat with a lot of different people. Some of those people are male. Some of those males have partners. Some of those partners are so insecure in their relationship that having their males chatting to females on the internet about video games or their children is considered unacceptable.

This is not that unusual an occurrence, either, despite me being on the other side of the country and married. More than one guy has up and disappeard due to this issue. Several of them have shown up again and apologized, explaining that they've left the clingy ones.

^-.-^