Does anyone else think having friends is a hassle?

[Giggle Goose]

I'm serious. One of the reasons I don't like making friends is because there seems to be so many obligations that come with it. Does that make me a bitch? Perhaps. But I have a very small handful of friends and a large family that I would do anything in the world for.

For example, I always feel guilty for saying "no" to plans that people make, or if I can't afford to get birthday presents, etc. I guess it's just my anxious personality, but having friends is mucho pressure!!! And don't even get me started on the drama that you have to put up with for some people!

Don't get me wrong...it doesn't mean I'm not friendly. I just don't understand all the whining and butthurt* when I tell someone that I have to study or do something with my fiance. I work 40 hours a week with a hellish commute, go to the gym frequently, and the rest of my free time I am either in class/writing a paper/doing some other kind of homework. I don't mind that, because I know that's what I signed up for when I decided to pursue a master's degree while working full time. I have spent the past 18 months working toward a goal and putting pleasureable pursuits on the back burner. What do people not understand about this??!!

I supposed this could go under "Things I Hate," but when I was writing this rant I made a discovery that I just don't like making friends, and wanted to explore that aspect. And ask if anyone else knows what I'm talking about.

*this terminology copyright Blas

[bex1218]

The only friends I have understands I get migraines easily and that I can't hang out. Or I have other stuff that needs to be done. When I go back to school, that will it.make things even more difficult. I haven't made any new friends cause of it.

[bara]

I have a very small handful of friends. My thing is I am a spur of the moment type person. I dont mark on the calendar when I plan to go to a movie, I just go.
But all my friends seem to have things like kids and for some reason they cant just get up and go.

This is a side effect from my military service. I went away and life went on for them. Its a draw back they dont put in the recruitment posters.

Another side effect, I have a hard time getting along with civilians now. I dont find the same things important or worth talking about. People at work like to talk about drama that happens and focus on it, I just want to do my job and go home. I can still talk to my old Army buddies and we get along just fine though regardless of distance.

[HYHYBT]

I just totally lack the social hooks needed for friendship. I get along well with almost anybody, and there are people I do consider (or have considered) friends, but when the situation that brought us into contact regularly enough to get to know each other ends (school, job, whatever) I just don't keep up with folks like other people seem to do without thinking about it. If I were to try it, I'd have to lay out a calendar or something and put on it "call all those people and make up something to talk about," and that just feels too weird.

As for setting out on purpose to *make* friends... speaking to complete strangers outside of a business transaction, a message board environment, or basic courtesy? It's just totally foreign to my nature.

[Rapscallion]

Depends on the friends.

Rapscallion

[blas87]

Aw, thanks for the props, though I didn't come up with that one, I think I stole it from someone or just use it too much.

Yes, friends are a huge hassle for me. I don't want to be like my boyfriend and hide in my room hating the world like he tends to do, but at the same time, I'd rather be at the gym alone, shopping alone, or be doing something here at home alone than having to deal with other people's nonsense.

Not that I don't enjoy a dinner date or going to the movies or taking walks with others. I'm really not a real introvert by any means.

But, I'm finding that lately, I may actually have anxiety. Like, real anxiety disorder.

Before that, though, there was tension anyway because seemingly every darn time I did anything with anyone, there was some sort of "problem". It's just like the little precious free time I have where I'm fully awake, alert, and in a decent mood...that's when my bf wants to start a silent tantrum over something I did three days ago, or my family and I go do something together and Mom wants to start another fight with Dad over the fact that he breathed wrong again, or the fact that for the past year and a few months, I haven't been able to do ANYTHING with my little brother without that stupid little bitchnugget either stalking us or phone stalking him.

It's like, I'm so much better off myself, I feel. I can't be a hermit, but I'm so much more productive when I'm left ALONE at work to concentrate and do my own work without hovering (which is never, which is why I'm not productive) and I accomplish my errands and shopping better alone, I manage my time a lot better when someone else isn't there to worry about.

It sucks to feel that way, but I do. I'm to the point at both work and at my parents' house, I cringe every time I hear my name. It's like, leave me ALONE.

[telecom_goddess]

I treasure the times I get to spend alone in my house. If I get home and my daughter and bf are at work for the evening...I'm like YAY

Blas...love the comment about "other people's nonsense" lol.

I mentioned on cs how I don't have social skills and I function much better on an online forum than I do in person. BUT I still make myself get out there and be social once in while. I have a few friends now, more than I did a few years ago so that's good.

But I definitely have a social anxiety problem.

[protege]

It's just totally foreign to my nature.

You're not the only one. I was treated horribly by most people when I was younger. 30-odd years on, that's probably why I don't make much of an effort to get to know people, and usually keep to myself. I just don't get 'attached' to people either.

[Racket_Man]

I just totally lack the social hooks needed for friendship. I get along well with almost anybody, and there are people I do consider (or have considered) friends, but when the situation that brought us into contact regularly enough to get to know each other ends (school, job, whatever) I just don't keep up with folks like other people seem to do without thinking about it. If I were to try it, I'd have to lay out a calendar or something and put on it "call all those people and make up something to talk about," and that just feels too weird.

As for setting out on purpose to *make* friends... speaking to complete strangers outside of a business transaction, a message board environment, or basic courtesy? It's just totally foreign to my nature.

are you sure you are not my twin???????

I have the same problem throughout my life. for some reason (possibly related to my childhood and my parents and siblings being older when I was born) in my personal life I am mostly an introvert BUT in my worklife I am mostly an Extravert where this behavior is needed (as in I do not want to have my co-workers think I am some brooding "will snap and bring in an AK-47 to have a hosedown party"

outside of work I really tend to be a homebody and my "social" interaction, like Telecom, is mostly via messages boards like CS and here. I do not do well in a group of strangers at say a party or gathering.

at work once I get to know my co-workers I let some of the "real me" out

[Sableonblonde]

I agree. When I was younger, I had a lot of what I considered "friends" but I only saw them when I was at my favorite bar. Sometimes they'd suggest doing things together outside of the bar and I'd always hem and haw. We never actually talked on the phone or anything. It was like...I liked hanging out with them, but only at this one certain place and only when I felt like it. I didn't want to have any obligations to anyone. I didn't want to see them except for when I felt like it. I know that seems pretty selfish...I guess I compartmentalized them.

Now that I'm married and live in a new town, I have made zero effort to make any friends. Sometimes I think it would be nice to have people to hang out and talk to you, but yeah...it would be a hassle. I'm more content being alone.

[Greenday]

Seeing as most of my friends use me as a free therapist, I'd be inclined to say yes. When something goes wrong, they come to me for my advice. Especially relationship advice. To make matters worse, people generally ignore my advice and then things get even worse than they were. Also, since I have a bunch of money sitting around, I now have people who just seem to be hanging with me for the cash. Asking for large loans and such.

Hanging out with my friends generally causes me more stress than I receive stress relief.

[woodensunshine]

I am so with you on this one. I became an "adult" recently (Steady 40 hours a week, set hours and now, we're in the process of trying to find an apartment, etc.). Working from 8-5 Monday through Friday does not leave much time for myself and boyfriend wants me to make time for him too. Weekends are the only time I have to clean, do laundry, go run errands, because I honestly just want to unwind between 5:30 and bedtime. Not to mention, my volunteering and Zumba with boyfriend's mom.

All of my "friends" don't understand that my lack of time is not anything against them, it's just that I need to put myself first, boyfriend 1.5 and fit everyone else in where I can. In the three years that I have been in New England, (not counting boyfriend), I talk consistently to a total of ONE person. This person has a job and also goes to college. He understands that I have responsibilites that need to be taken care of before I can have fun. He also has depression the way I do, so we both have an understanding that sometimes, even though the timing is great, one of us may not be able to even get out of bed.

Yes, sometimes, friends can be a hassle.

[Slytovhand]

I moved countries... that's how 'friendly' I can be

"Oh, but don't you miss your friends and family?" - nope! Sure, I like getting in touch with a couple of them every so often, and I do miss sitting down with my best mate and just chatting over coffee... but I was always a loner, so no - I don't miss them (especially not the family!!!)

Here, I have a couple of 'friends' (better acquaintances than others, who I venture out with), but basically, once I no longer see someone regularly due to some shared interest or similar, I almost never hear from them again (with few exceptions...)

And, I seem to be fairly right about this... I receive few emails or FB messages. People don't ring or text me much.... so, it would appear that they don't miss me much either!

Also, here I get lot of people who 'want to be my friend'.... ie free language lessons. I've had to explain to a few ppl that's not how we work!

But, most people think I'm easy to get along with, and must have lots of friends... that sort of personality - ok with people I know (can laugh, joke, communicate well, etc - which is why I was good in the call centre, and now as a teacher), but prefer to be on my own! Even MMO's bore me after a while, and I prefer to solo.

[Ginger Tea]

Aside from getting on with some of the people in my house (some moved on others eventually rubbed me up the wrong way so all I say is hello/bye) and Captain Dickhead, (whom I met through an evening class, if it werent for the fact he was taking a longer class at another evening school where I was attempting to learn BSL, I wouldn't have seen him again after the last lesson of the shorter one.) I don't socialise with people from work and the few people I did speak to on a few occasions drifted out of my life (or more exactly I drifted out of theirs).

I work an odd rota, my days are fixed now my start times fluctuate to the point that I might have to book anual leave just to go to a concert in the evening as I might not be able to get the early shift.

My get up and go got up and went, I spent most of yesterday morning till the afternoon dozing with sporadic bits of conciousness, but I would fall asleep no sooner than I hit play on a youtube lets play. Well actually this time round it was during a WTFIWWY live recording and I woke during a tech talk after visualising the podcast in my dream.
So even when I have the day off, I cannot get the oomph to go out and meet people.

Captain Dickhead asks me advice on how to chat up women and I ask him when was the last time he saw me talking to a woman who wasn't a bar maid, he cannot think of when and nor can I (aside from when someone asked if the chair near me was in use), so how am I such an expert?

He asks if I fancy going out and meeting new people, but in the end he makes no effort and its just me and him talking about nothing again, he has one or two other friends (I don't like being refered to a friend when it comes to him) but he never brings them around to the pub/club, I think hes worried I would get on better with them and leave him sat alone as the third wheel, mind you I did that, quite by accident on his birthday once when it was just me him and his female cousin I called 'bob', but that was because he did fuck all talking.

So with the tad over 8 years since moving here, I have made zero friends, cannot get rid of Catain Dickhead (save for the 6 months I refused to talk to him after he got me barred from Starbucks due to his own fuckwittery and stalkerish behaviour) and need to be dragged kicking and screaming to the pub, which is a catch 22

I need friends to drag me kicking and screaming
I don't have friends unless I make some perhaps at a pub I'm not being dragged to.

[DrFaroohk]

I went through a brief phase of socialness where I had a bunch of friends and I definitely found them to be a pain in the ass...here's a list!

1) They were always calling at inopportune times. I know they aint mind readers, but shit. You woke me up...AGAIN.

2) They were always adding extra shit to my life. I like to know what's coming, and I'm also a big 1 on 1 person. If I invite Tim over, I want to hang out with TIM. Not Tim and his six friends, 3 of whom I don't know, the other three HE doesn't even know until 5 minutes ago.

3) I just found that I was always waiting for it to be over. Yay, I just got to Clint's house for the big party...now when can I leave. There were just better things to do by myself.

4) They always want to get on your computer and for some reason don't know how to "check facebook".