Adult Children Not Doing Anything

[guywithashovel]

I have a coworker who has a daughter in her early twenties. This daughter has been living with her for shortly over two years now, and the daughter has not held a job during that time. She had an apartment for a while, and I think she shared it with someone else. At the time, she was working at a job and attending college. However, for some reason, she quit the job and college and came back home.

The coworker has told me about this several times. From what she has told me, it seems like the daughter doesn't comprehend that this is a situation that she needs to get out of ASAP. On top of that, the coworker has some money problems. Some of them stem from what the daughter is doing, but most of them are because of a job loss she suffered after she got laid off when the economy collapsed back in 2008 and went through a divorce. See, she lost her job, and then after almost a year of job hunting, got this job. However, this job pays a lot less than the job she got laid off from, and now her mortgage payment eats up a lot of her money. When she had the previous job, that payment wasn't a problem. But now that she's making a lot less than before, it is a problem. And not only does she have to keep up with the mortgage payment in that expensive house with a more modest salary, she also has to take care of the bills and other expenses.

And of course, with the daughter there, the bills are higher. Coworker says that the electric bill is about three times what it was when the daughter wasn't living there (apparently the daughter does things like having two or three TVs on while a stereo is playing in another room). The daughter has a car, but it needs repairs, and neither she or coworker can afford to have those repairs done. On top of that, there is little to no bus service in their area, so daughter can't get out very easily. Because of this, coworker has some sympathy, because she knows it would be hard to get to an interview and to get to a job, but coworker has offered to take time off from work to take her to an interview if she gets one, and to try to arrage to take her to a job if she gets one.

I'm just wondering how some of you might handle this situation. Of course, the daughter needs to do what she can to fix this situation, but how is it going to be enforced? Coworker could throw her out, but where is she going to go? Besides, she's still her daughter, even though coworker doesn't like the situation she's in.

[Lace Neil Singer]

She'll have to lay down the law; as it stands, daughter has everything all her own way; she has a roof over her head, free food and an unpaid servant to do everything for her. My mum had a similar problem with my little brother.

Basically, your co-worker has to firstly do two things. Firstly, she should tell daughter to register with the local council for a house (or whatever the American equivilent is). They will find her someplace to live; if she's jobless, she can sign up for benefits (welfare?) and get some money coming in. Second, co-worker needs to lay down some ground rules. If daughter wishes to stay in the short term (and make sure it's emphasised as short term, til she's found somewhere to live), then she's got to do a share of the housework and cooking, and pay a little towards bills and food.

Obviously, if she's on benefits, she won't be able to pay that much but making her pay a little will hammer the point home that food, bills etc don't pay themselves. Co-worker should also impress on daughter that she has to find a job, any job, and contribute. Anyway, here's the kicker; if daughter does not agree to these terms, then co-worker needs to deal out some tough love by telling daughter that in that case, she has a month to find somewhere else to live cuz unless she agrees to those terms, she can't stay.

My brother at first refused to abide by the terms and went to live on a friend's sofa. However, he eventually saw sense and moved back, after agreeing to my parents' terms. He got a job with as a delivery driver and started looking for a place to live. That was several years ago. Now, he's got a steady girlf, has gone back to college (he dropped out after secondary before) and is well on the way to making something of himself. Whereas if my parents hadn't made a stand and dealt out some tough love, he'd probably still be slobbing on the sofa in my parents' house, refusing to do anything else.

[protege]

She'll have to lay down the law; as it stands, daughter has everything all her own way; she has a roof over her head, free food and an unpaid servant to do everything for her. My mum had a similar problem with my little brother.

Sure you're not talking about my younger brothers?


Both of them still lived with my parents until last year. They paid minimal rent, but felt that our parents were their servants. No helping out around the house--no yard work, no cooking, no cleaning, nothing. When they'd come home from school or work, they'd plant themselves in front of the TV or their video games. When asked to do some meaningless task, they'd get snotty...since it "wasn't [their] job..." 32 and 29 years old, and they were like that...

That went on even when our father was laid up in 2010 because of his cancer/auto accident. Dad wasn't supposed to do any heavy lifting. He wasn't even allowed to drag the trashcans out of the curb. He ended up doing that...since my brothers refused, and he knew that if it wasn't done, my mother would scream at him about it. Somehow it was *his* fault that they were lazy. Never mind that my mom tends to coddle my brothers

But, even she has her limits. Last January, she apparently had enough, and "forced" my younger brother to move out. I don't exactly know what went on, but ended up buying a townhouse across town. It's not a bad place--2 bedrooms, living room, small kitchen, etc. but it's like the 1970s exploded all over it.

I've been over there a few times, but I can only stay for an hour. There's only so much whining I can handle. He'll start about how my mom forced him to buy the place, how he doesn't make enough money, how his car is falling apart, how there's water in the basement/bugs coming in/the AC doesn't work/etc. Whine, whine, whine... After an hour of that, I have to leave. Then he'll call me and whine about whatever broke. I don't mind fixing things--I do work on my own cars, after all--plus I'm willing to give him a hand. But, the whining is a bit much.

So, my other brother is still living with our parents. Does he help out around the house? Nope. He uses the "it's not my house" line quite a bit. Since he and my dad don't get along, and dad wants his ass out...things are going to be interesting when he finally moves. He'll finally realize just how much of his cash is going to be spent on buying and maintaining a residence. Up until now, he's paid minimal rent, and basically sponged off the parents. Should be amusing to watch...

[anakhouri]

I know when I left home (for college) I was shocked to discover that toothpaste and toilet paper don't magically reappear in the cupboards like they did at home. Sounds like this girl has already tried living on her own, decided it was too difficult, and is now content to sponge off her mom.

I know you probably can't change your friend's mind, but I think eventually she'll get fed up and do what needs to be done anyway: kick this lazy little girl out and make her grow up.

[Cats]

I wish my parents had shown me some tough love. I didn't move out until I was 26 1/2 (of my own choice). I only went to college for a year and I didn't pat rent...despite my parents knowing I COULD afford it, since I had a full-time job which they drove me to and from (had they asked me to, I would gladly). I did some chores around the house, but not as much as I probably should have. As much as I was mooching, at the same time, they were enabling me by not setting any ground rules. I did buy many of my own groceries at least, and cooked my own meals.


Anyway, for starters, I think Mum should actually physically take away the stereo and extra TVs that daughter is using to crank up the electric bill. Allow her only to use them if she pays her fare share of the bill she's contriduting to. There is no need to ever have more than 1 TV on unless each one has a butt in front of it watching it (yes, I know some people leave the TV on as white noise; I used to be one of them. But if finances are tight, it can be afforded to let loose. Even so, you'd only need ONE).

Is the car not working/unsafe to drive without the repairs? If so, that needs to be first priority. Having reliable transportation prevents the daughter from using that excuse to be "lazy" about the job hunt (even if she's not being lazy on purpose about it. IMO, at least having a job even if nothing else changed would at least be SOMETHING).



I have been noticing a trend in the past several years where kids do return home after college (or droping out), and mooch of their parents in varying degrees. It has occured to me though, that part of the reason this may happen is because they're not ready to live on their own, but because they don't know HOW. Suddenly, there's so many things you have to do now living on your own (or at least away from your parents) that you never had to do before or even THINK about, and it can be overwhelming (that was my problem, and I think my parents understood that and may have contributed to them enabling me). There isn't much of a transition (one migh considere college to be that if you live on campus, and to a small extent I agree, but it isn't the same if your parents are paying for it).

There should be a high school / college course on how to live by yourself sucessfully...with basic stuff like how to budget, how to unclog a toilet and basic home repairs, stuff that can be cut back with the least sacrifice when finaces are tight, stuff to keep for emergenices of any kind, how often certain things should be repaired/replaced, general advice for purchasing a home/apartment/car, how to file your taxes, etc. Sure everyone's situation is different as is their maturity level, but I feel it would be a good starting point.

I agree with above...daughter sounds like she did try living on her own, didn't like it or it was too hard, and moved back home to avoid dealing with it. It doesn't HAVE to be like that, but it REALLY helps if you have some general idea of what you need to do and how to do it.

[Lace Neil Singer]

There doesn't even need to be a course on it; all those things are what parents should teach their children, rather than rely on school to do it. My mum taught me how to cook at an early age, along with how to do basic housework and budget. By the time I was a teenager, I could cook an easy meal, bake cakes, use the washing machine and sew. Yes, sewing is important; if your button comes off your shirt, do you buy a new one or sew it back on? If you chose the first one, shame on you! XD

[Greenday]

I've been living at my mom's place since March and I haven't been working at all. I'm on the verge of getting a job though. I also give my mom money every month so it's not that big a deal. I also clean, do yardwork, and take care of the dogs.

[gremcint]

I am a grad student who works two jobs and is trying to save up for when my student loans start owing all 60000 dollars worth. So I live with my parents. so what. I do dishes and vacuum and mow the lawn and pay for gas.

[Lace Neil Singer]

It's not living with your parents that's the problem, it's being a lazy bum and not contributing. I lived with my parents for ages while I tried to both make sense of myself and find a flat that I could live in alone, rather than a flatshare. While I was living with my parents, I not only paid rent but also did my share of the housework and cooking. I also did all my own washing, walked the dog and took care of the cat. Had I just slobbed about and refused to help out, my mum would have done the same thing as she did with my brother.

[Aethian]

Gremcint, your doing it right by helping out. I would however having been paying on the loans with every check, that way when they start coming due the amount owing is less.

I went through a short phase of no job and not paying rent but then I pruned the apple orchard, got all 8+ acres mowed and kept it mowed, cleaned the garage of its mass of stuff, and did what cleaning I could do of the barn.

[Aethian]

There should be a high school / college course on how to live by yourself sucessfully...with basic stuff like how to budget, how to unclog a toilet and basic home repairs, stuff that can be cut back with the least sacrifice when finaces are tight, stuff to keep for emergenices of any kind, how often certain things should be repaired/replaced, general advice for purchasing a home/apartment/car, how to file your taxes, etc. Sure everyone's situation is different as is their maturity level, but I feel it would be a good starting point.

We had a budgeting lesson in out math class as well as in our elective home ec class. Had laundry there as well...as well as basic cooking. And once how to put out a oil stove fire.

[telecom_goddess]

I thought they had some kind of real life classes in high school, isn't that part of what Home Ec is about? I personally took consumer math in high school (after failing my way out of algebra ) and it was useful cause it taught me how to use a checking account.

Maybe I'm weird but when I moved out on my own I adapted perfectly and just jumped in maintaining my own household using common sense.

[Andara Bledin]

My junior high had a decent home ec class as part of the 7th grade requierd classes (so, a bunch of 12-year-olds, mostly) that included things like budgeting and planning meals. My high school, however, had no classes of which I am aware that would have prepared people for life other than the elective science class that included a section about parenting that had the whole "you two have a 'baby' (usually an egg) and have to figure out how to protect and watch it for the next month" thing that was incredibly annoying for the rest of us, as well.

^-.-^

[guywithashovel]

I lived with my parents into adulthood, too. I didn't leave home until I was 24, and then I moved in with a relative. The difference between me and my coworker's daughter is that I was doing something. This girl isn't doing anything, and on top of that, she's making it a lot harder for her mother to carry her.

I think it's quite possible that this girl decided she didn't like being on her own and decided to run back home to mom. Some people don't like living on their own. Personally, I think it's great.

[protege]

I lived with my parents until I turned 30. Of course, I paid rent and was working full-time. Plus, I'd head down to my grandmother's on weekends to help her out on the farm. Only reason I did that, was so I could save up for a down payment on a house. I couldn't wait to move out, since it was like living in a 3rd world country at times--no heat in my bedroom in winter, and no A/C in the summer. When I came home from work, dinner was usually minimal--my brother had eaten most of it.