Drama Triangle

[crashhelmet]

Yesterday afternoon at work, I had to sit through an hour long training session with HR on the The Karpman Drama Triangle (Article from Wiki). We're in the process of being bought out and it's a part of trying to make the transition run smoothly. I'm no stranger to this model.

I remember learning about it in my psych classes in college. I'm sure we all know someone that we can identify in our lives that fits this model, if not even ourselves. I'm seeing myself in two different roles with an issue I'm having with my family right now. I honestly can't think of a way to solve it on my own.

My dad, 3 of my 4 siblings, and their families all live in a small town about an hour away from here. I'll be honest and admit that I don't see them as much as I should. It's not that I don't want to, but I do have my own life and responsibilities that I have to take care of and don't get a whole lot of time to do so with my work schedule. Not to mention that when I do drive out there, I seem to spend the entire time fixing their computers or wiring their home theater, or finding some other way to "work" on my day off than spending time with them.

Whenever I get texts, calls, or even emails from any of them, it's to ask when I'm coming out again. Not because they want to see me, but because they need me to fix something for them. Fixing their stuff isn't what bothers me though. It's the way they get on me about not visiting more often. They even try to use my dad's age (he turns 74 next week) to make me feel guilty about it.

Getting back to the start of this thread, this is me playing the victim and my family playing the persecutor. There is no rescuer that I can find.

The frustration from all of this has me fighting the urge to switch into the role of the persecutor and make them the victim. They come in to town all the time, yet none of them ever call or text to see if I'm free to visit or would like to join them in whatever they're doing. On Monday, I drove the ~120 miles round trip to spend 30 minutes on my sister's laptop. Only to find out that she had been in town earlier that day and could've brought her laptop to me.

But I'm the bad guy. I'm the one that doesn't do enough to be a part of the family.

I think the only way for me to resolve this would be to move farther away. Eliminate the expectation of more frequent visits

[HYHYBT]

That's not a bad idea, actually, if you don't mind moving or if an occasion where it's needed comes up. Either close enough that visiting regularly isn't a big deal, or far enough away that it's not expected.

Or just go there less anyway and don't fix stuff.

[Pixilated]

Hmm ... I beg to differ here. If crashhelmet moves further away, there's no guarantee that will stop or even slow the calls ... it might just result in an even heavier load of guilt per call: "Oh WHY did you have to move so far away?? We NEVER see you anymore!! And you KNOW Dad's not getting any younger!!!" etc. etc. etc.

Crashhelmet, the only rescuer here is you. Don't wait for somebody else to bail you out.

Have you tried calling out your relatives on this? "What? You were in [mytown] earlier? Why didn't you bring your laptop to me while you were there?" And the next time they call for you to "visit," suggest they drop by your place next time they're in town, "because you know I'd love to see you whenever you come to [mytown]! And bring Dad with you and we'll make it a nice afternoon out!"

If whatever needs fixing is portable, they can bring it with them. If it's not (e.g. a home theatre), "Wow, that sounds exciting; I'll be glad to help you when I can. When will that be? Hmm, I'm pretty busy right now -- how about in a couple of weeks?" If they're in such a big hurry for it, they can cough up some dough and hire somebody to set it up, IMNSHO. (If they're willing to actually pay you, you might suddenly find some free space on your crowded calendar -- but that's entirely up to you.)

Having said that, set specific times when you will definitely go visit your dad, but once you're there, you're there to visit your father ... NOT fix people's electronics. (Does your dad live in his own place, or with one of your siblings? If he's in his own place, this will probably be easier.) "Oh my gosh, that does look like it could use some work. Hey, next time you're in [mytown] drop by with it! Sorry, no, I can't fix it right now; I'm visiting Dad."

You're the only one who can draw the line in the sand here. They're not going to because they've got a good thing going: free electronics work and you also pay the cost of the trip out there. You will have to set the boundaries and stand firm by them. As one of the Advice Sisters (can't remember whether it was Ann Landers or Abby) used to say, nobody can take advantage of you without your permission.

Another possibility is you could start charging for your work ("Hey, I thought you'd like to know that since I'm doing so much of this, I'm setting up my own business -- here's a list of my prices, including mileage!") That could work provided you're prepared to deal with the "But how can you charge us?!? We're FAAAAAMILLYYYYY!!! *arglblarglblarglblarg*"

Basically you want to shift half the responsibility for ongoing contact back onto them. If you feel they don't actually want to keep in touch, if they just want a freebie electronics expert (and I'm sorry to say it sounds like that, since you say they are often in your town and never call you), then it is entirely up to you how much of your time you want to donate to them, regardless of their texts, emails, calls and guilt trips.

[Tanasi]

I used to get a lot of "Hey come fix my computer and I'll feed you" from Aunts, Uncles and cousins. I worked on computers all week and I certainly don't want to work on them during my off time regardless if I'm getting fed or not. Eventually it become so bad that I quit going to extended family meetings. They'd ask were I was and my Mom would flat out tell them that I was tired of being guilted into working on folks computers so I decided to stay away. Now it's become a habit to stay away. I'll still go to immediate family functions that's within my Mom, In-laws and siblings but not much beyond that.
Crash look into a package called TeamViewer. Once it's loaded and if they can get onto the internet then you can take control of their computer. I have it on all my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews and kids computers, that way if they have problems I can look into it from my home and not have to go to theirs or them to mine. There is also a Teamview app for iOS and Android devices. I've used my Nexus 7 several times to start virus scans or even fix printer queues. I have worked on my bosses son's laptop with him being in China and me on Rocky Top. I thought our internet was buggy and full or viruses, the Chinese internet seems to be barely usable and you gotta have strong software and near solid net-gear to stop the crap.