Yes, I stay at home.

[sophie]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I've lurked for a very long time

Anyway, I am currently struggling to find a job and have been for the fast few months. I'm lucky enough to live with my awesome boyfriend who is supporting me and his two kids (previous marriage, he has custody), Because of my situation I stay home, take care of the house and the kids. All of us are happy (He enjoys having me at home)

Other people have a problem with this. I recently found some old friends( we're all aged 19 - 22) on facebook, they asked what I was doing and I told. I have never been so verbally abused and attacked by so many people at the same time. I have been called a leech, a mooch, a skank, a brain washed stepford wife, etc. I have been told I'm undoing everything women have worked for and I should get two jobs and support myself or I'm an embarrassment! Just because I'm not working.

Why do people make such a big deal if the women stays at home(temporarily or permanently)?

[HYHYBT]

Because they're idiots, basically. The idea was that women should have *options,* not that the occupation of housewife should cease to be one of them.


If, preferring to hold a job and having one, you were pressured into this instead by the expectation that women should stay home, that would have been a problem. You weren't. And there's a potential problem that comes up where, after a separation or the other person's job loss, the stay-at-home cannot find work because they've been out of it so long, but you couldn't find a job anyway, so there's no point in worrying about that either.

But basically, people should mind their business. One of my sisters-in-law has been on your route since having her first baby. I've seen her at it, and it's a full-time job in itself, or at least can be.

[crashhelmet]

I've seen her at it, and it's a full-time job in itself, or at least can be.

THIS! A lot of people fail to realize this. It's not just sitting on your ass all day, eating Bon Bons, and watching soaps. It's work.

Some feminists and other Women's Rights activists think it promotes the "A Woman's Place Is In The Kitchen" mentality, but if the person, regardless of their gender, wants to stay at home and raise the kids, they should be allowed to.

Another thing people fail to realize is in a lot of cases, if not most, the second parent working is doing nothing but working to pay for the day care, transportation, and other costs associated with their job. They're not bringing anything extra to household finances.

[Andara Bledin]

Women who reject any option as valid on the basis of what used to be traditional are just as bad as anyone who thinks that women should only have the traditional options open to them. To put it bluntly, they're sexist bigots.

There is nothing wrong with choosing to stay home and raise children, if that's what you want, or what is most appropriate to your own personal situation. Hell, somebody has to raise the kids, what's wrong with you choosing to do so?

You could totally turn it back on those people and ask them if they're trying to say that you're not fit to be a caretaker for children. Or ask them if they're trying to say your place is in the office.

[Aethian]

Another thing people fail to realize is in a lot of cases, if not most, the second parent working is doing nothing but working to pay for the day care, transportation, and other costs associated with their job. They're not bringing anything extra to household finances.

That's how one of my customers became a stay-at-home Dad. One time during tax season they figured out that after taxes, day care, cost of getting the kids to day care, the cost of shopping in the evening after making sure everyone was in the car, the time spent, and the fact that he really didn't like his job...he brought home just over 1000.

So since he now stays home they have made back his pay plus since she doesn't have to leave to grab the kids can work a full day at the job she loves. They are making 10000 MORE then that 1000. Everyone's situation is different.

[anakhouri]

I'm a stay-at-home mom too, with one child. If I went back to work full-time, I'd basically be paying for daycare. We are on a tight budget with only my husband's salary and what I make covering shifts at my old job, but we make it work. Once my son is in kindergarten I would like to work part-time but right now my husband works at least 60 hours a week, so there's no way he'd be home enough to watch the kid when I needed to work. Stayng at home with kids is not just a full-time job; it's 24/7. And it's WORK. I am working from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, even folding laundry while watching a movie. When my husband is home, I write. I take my kid out every day to classes, swimming, the park, and the library.

Since my husband has a very stressful job, he likes having a (relatively!) clean house, dinner on the table every night and knowing that his son is in the hands of the only person on Earth who loves the kid as much as he does. And since I am a writer, I can do my craft at home as well as I can anywhere else.

I have never understood the stay-at-home vs. working mom war. Neither choice is wrong. It just depends on what you want/are able to do. I am not 'wasting my potenial' (see: writer). I am not 'setting women back'. I am not 'living in the 1950's'. I am doing what I want and what I think is best for my son.

In conclusion: haters gonna hate. Fuck 'em.

[Greenday]

It's people taking feminism too far. Their only version of success for women is if you are completely financially independent from a man. It's completely bogus. There's nothing wrong with two people being codependent on each other. It happens. He works. Someone needs to take care of the kids and the house.

If a woman is a nanny, it's considered a full-time job. If a woman is a stay at home mom and does the EXACT SAME STUFF as a a nanny plus more, it's mooching, lazy, etc.

Blows my mind.

[Ginger Tea]

Simple solution then, say you are a nanny, just don't tell them the children you care for are your own.

[Greenday]

Simple solution then, say you are a nanny, just don't tell them the children you care for are your own.

I don't understand why people should hide that they take care of their kids. Why is taking care of your kids instead of just dumping them off on someone else such a horrible thing?

[sophie]

I've also been accused of using him to get citizenship...we're not married, I couldn't. I was not born here but I have been a citizen for years! Just because I was born in 3rd world country doesn't mean I leech off people.

[Medea]

To play Devil's advocate briefly, I'm the same age as you and your friends, and if one of my friends were in your situation, I would be worried about her. I would be concerned that she might be being taken advantage of as a free housekeeper as there appears to be a lack of choice surrounding the situation. However, your friends don't appear to be concerned about you.

As long as everyone is happy, I don't see why they should get angry about the decision. Having a stay-at-home parent (or someone in loco parentis) is a really wonderful thing for children, which is so undervalued.

In short, your 'friends' are arseholes. As long as you're happy with the situation, sod any faux-feminist nay-sayers out there!

[Andara Bledin]

As long as everyone is happy, I don't see why they should get angry about the decision. Having a stay-at-home parent (or someone in loco parentis) is a really wonderful thing for children, which is so undervalued.

It's quite possible that one or more of them wants to be a homemaker and was pushed into not doing anything "traditional" due to stupid supposedly-feminist ideals and is now bitter over not being allowed to do what they really want.

Or, they've just slid too far past equal into some fantasy where in order to be a liberated woman, you have to do things like men, instead of for themselves.

[Nekojin]

See, the problem that often arises with "One working parent / one stay-at-home parent" (or even the same situation without kids) is that all too often, the fact that Person A is working becomes a power issue. "I make they money, I pay the bills, I get to decide what we're doing." Or even worse, decides that since they're the cause of the money coming in, they should be the only person who gets to decide how the money gets spent. That results in the creation and perpetuation of a power imbalance between the couple, and can make it very, very difficult for the "stay-at-home" spouse to change the situation at all.

My cousin, Matt, had a similar situation with his first wife. She was the household bookkeeper. Although they both worked, and they both brought in money, she controlled the finances unilaterally and completely, and would refuse his requests for things that he felt that he needed simply because she didn't want to spend the money on them. That resulted in Matt feeling like he had such a lack of control, that he ended up getting caught shoplifting. (Note that when we were growing up, Matt was the most "upright" of us kids, the least likely to do anything that we could get in trouble for). The court psychologist pointed out that the power imbalance was the cause, and this is not uncommon. Shoplifting, in that situation, isn't a lack of morals (he deeply regretted the shoplifting), but a sense of taking control of some aspect of his life.

They divorced not long after.

[anakhouri]

That's a terrible situation for your cousin. Before setting the stay-at-heme thing in motion, the couple needs to sit down and talk it out thoroughly. His wife had some serious issues if she thought the way she apparently did. A marriage is a partnership, one party can't cdominate the other for any reason if you want it to work.

For a long time I felt bad about using any of the money my husband brought in for myself. He kept reassuring me that it's OUR money and I work as hard as he does, so I am entitled to a cut. It still took years before I felt comfortable about it, and I still prefer to use the money I make covering shifts at the bookstore, which isn't much, but I no longer feel like I am stealing from him if I want to buy a t-shirt for myself or something.

[HYHYBT]

I still like the system my grandparents had. Regardless of how the money came in, it was divided into three accounts: one for him, one for her, and one for common expenses. The common one was mostly inarguable stuff like mortgage, utilities, repairs, etc., and their own were their own.