My Imminent Divorce

[telecom_goddess]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's not easy.

[Ghel]

I'm pissed off at STBEH again. It seems to be a constant thing, now. He wrote a check to himself for all but $600 left in the joint checking account. He didn't tell me he was going to do that, so it's a good thing I hadn't paid any bills out of the account recently. Otherwise, it would be overdrawn.

I texted him to ask about it and whether I should assume that meant he would be paying the mortgage, utilities, etc. At first, he said he expected me to pay all the bills out of the $3000 I took , but I pointed out that was paying me back for the money from my mom's estate. If I didn't get it back when I did, I would be expecting it back when we sell the house. Then he agreed to pay the mortgage and the loan we took out to remodel the kitchen, but he said he didn't think he should pay the utilities since he's not living in the house. At first, I was mad about that, too. But then I decided to think of it as a trial run, since the utilities are about the same amount as I expect to pay on a mortgage, insurance, and real estate taxes for a new house. Yeah, money will be tight for a while, but it should be ok.

If it gets into winter, though, it will be a lot worse. The utilities in the summer run about $300 (perhaps less now that he's taken the 4 servers that were running all the time) but it spikes to $600 in the winter to heat the house. Maybe it will be less now that I can keep the thermostat at 60 degrees instead of the 70 degrees he always wanted it at. Seriously. He wanted to walk around the house in a tshirt and bare feet in the winter, even though his old job (being a screen printing and embroidery shop) gave him dozens of hoodies which he refused to wear around the house.

[Kheldarson]

For the utilities, you may want to find out if you can average them. That way you're paying a nearly flat fee all year instead of seeing a seasonal spike.

[CooperArt]

I just wanted to express my condolences over this whole ordeal. Good luck.

[Peppergirl]

Kheldarson has a good idea. Before I moved to the South, I went on even billing with my power company in order to balance out the crazy fluctuations in heating and cooling.

It helped a bit financially, at least as far as planning was concerned.

This was in Ohio, which was crazy hot in summer, yet cold in winter. However, it didn't hold a candle to the crap winters you Minnesotans tolerate. Those heating costs must be astronomical!

[Ghel]

Thanks for the support, CooperArt.

I need to call on the utilities yet and see if I can average it out. It's not bad now, but this winter, it could be awful.

I also called my insurance agent and got my car separated out on the car insurance. I have to go after work today and sign documents for that. There's so many things that we have jointly, and it's been a pain getting them separated out.

And I'll have to contact all these places again after the divorce is finalized, so I can change my name on them.

[patiokitty]

How are you doing these days, Ghel? Hopefully the STBEH and his 'friends' have not been stirring up any trouble for you. My fingers are crossed that the rest of this process speeds through so that you can wash your hands of them and get on with your life

[Ghel]

I have had very little contact from STBEH, and none at all from Ali or Al, which suits me just fine.

The only contact from STBEH lately was an email last week asking me to get some stuff out of the safe deposit box for him: his birth certificate (which wasn't in there), so he could get his TN driver's license, and the titles for his car and truck, so he could get TN plates for them. (Never minding that he doesn't have a permanent residence in TN yet.) At first, I was going to hold off on sending him the titles (thinking I could use that as something to make sure he keeps paying the mortgage), but he could just apply for lost titles and get them that way. It would be a hassle for him, but he could do it.

Other than that, I'm doing pretty well. A bit stressed because everything seems to be a waiting game now. There really hasn't been any interest in the house. The realtor said he's gotten a couple calls asking how much we wanted for it, but that's all. There haven't been any viewings or offers.

ETA: I spoke too soon about "doing pretty well." I had a major breakdown last night. I was trying to think of Mycha visiting, as he's still planning to do at Thanksgiving. Instead, my mind went to the memory of Al hugging me from behind in my kitchen. I cried so much my eyes are still dry and itchy this morning.

I talked to Mycha, which helped me feel a bit better. But I had a hard time falling asleep.

[Ghel]

So... several new developments.

STBEH drove up this past Labor Day weekend to pick up his trailer and the last box of stuff I set aside for him.

Wait. Let me tell this chronologically. Last Thursday, I emailed STBEH because I hadn't heard from him in a while. Here's the paraphrased conversation:

Me: How's the job hunt going?
Him: I should be getting my first paycheck soon.
Me: <Thanks for telling me, finally. Now I shouldn't have to worry as much about you paying the mortgage. Also, so much for still wanting to be friends.>
Him: Did you mail the car titles? If not, could you put them in the box and leave it with my sister?
Me: <So you don't even want to see me?> Sure. Are you coming up this weekend, then?
Him: Yes, I'm going to make a mad dash up there and back.

And then he emailed me Friday to make sure I'd gotten the car titles out of the safe deposit box for him.

Saturday morning, Ali posted a pic of STBEH on his FB wall of them leaving together to travel to MN. That was a slap in the face.

So he traveled up, picked up his stuff, and returned to TN without even so much as a "hello." I'm not sure how I feel about that, other than it makes me sure I've made the right decision.

Also, I was talking to a coworker about things Friday, and she said, "maybe you'll meet someone new and decide to have some kids!" <facepalm> No, even if I do get into a serious relationship with someone, I'm still not going to want to have kids. Your kids and grandkids may be how you define your life, but not me.

[SkullKing]

Good to hear things are progressing.

Honestly I think it is better that he didn´t try to see you. Also, he probably realized that the break-up is more serious once he dealt with your behaviour when he last went to visit you(e.g.: Balking at giving him a hug).

[SkullKing]

I just wanted to add that I don´t think you should see it as a slap in the face.

I know it is hard, but you are divorced/getting divorced now. He shouldn´t try to see you just because you are near(nor vice versa).

See it as him moving on, which is good because he won´t be bothering you.

If you traveled to somewhere near him for whatever reason, do you thinkwould you try to see him?

[Ghel]

I suppose you're right. It just felt weird that he would be coming up to collect the last of his things, but he wanted to pick them up at his sister's place instead of mine.

I might have cause and effect swapped, too. It's possible that part of the reason he didn't want to see me was because Ali wanted to travel with him. I certainly don't begrudge them spending that time together. Seeing him would have been awkward. Seeing her would have been a disaster.

[Ghel]

STBEH is refusing to pay the mortgage. So much for it being an amicable divorce.

Via email, he complained about several things I did, including taking the $3000 that I felt he owed me. He used that as an excuse for not paying the mortgage. He complained that he's "nearly broke" even though he transfered $5500 to himself less than a month ago. And he's working now, presumably making twice as much as I do. He doesn't know what broke is.

I'm not saying I've behaved perfectly in all this, but he's being a vindictive asshole. Before, he was trying to control me through emotional manipulation. Now he's trying to control me using money. It's such bullshit.

I made an appointment to talk with an attorney next Wednesday. It's $100 for the initial consult, and then the retainer fee is going to be $1500-2500. Which means I might not be able to make the mortgage payment, anyway, once I've hired the attorney. If STBEH was working with me, I wouldn't have to hire an attorney. I could save that $3000 for a rainy day, or for a down payment on a house.

I'm pissed off, but it's manifesting itself as a calm surface, with shaking rage beneath. STBEH said in email that I've ruined his ability to buy a house in TN, but if he lets our house get foreclosed on, that will really ruin his ability to buy a house. I would say mine, too, but if the bank that holds the mortgage starts the foreclosure, I'm confident that my bank (where I work) will work with me to get a house before that foreclosure is complete. Yeah, it would ruin my credit, but as long as I've got a place to live, I'm not too worried about that.

[SkullKing]

Good luck on this Ghel.

If you win, do you think you could make him pay the attorney´s fees?

Did you bring to his attention that his house-buying situation would be even worse if the house forecloses the house? Do you think he does not care because he can live with Ali and Al?

As for him being nearly broke, you said yourself that he spent a lot of money.

[s_stabeler]

he'd have refused to pay the mortgage anyway, from what I can tell. It's hardly a surprise- he, after all, has acted without consideration for you throughout this- I'm guessing that his thought processes are " I don't lie in the house anymore, so why should I waste my hard-earned money paying for it?" not considering that the house is an asset in the divorce.