My Imminent Divorce

[Ghel]

If you win, do you think you could make him pay the attorney´s fees?

Did you bring to his attention that his house-buying situation would be even worse if the house forecloses the house? Do you think he does not care because he can live with Ali and Al?

I don't know about the attorney's fees. I'm going to ask the attorney that.

I did remind him that the $3000 will only last about 3 months, and then we'll likely be facing foreclosure again, since I can't afford to make the mortgage payments. The mortgage is about 68% of my take-home pay. If his job is paying him what he was asking for when he started looking, the mortgage would be about 22% of his take-home pay. And yet he's "nearly broke."

... he, after all, has acted without consideration for you throughout this- I'm guessing that his thought processes are " I don't lie in the house anymore, so why should I waste my hard-earned money paying for it?" not considering that the house is an asset in the divorce.

I don't think he's thinking any of this through. He's doing a lot of "woe is me" and martyring himself. After I told him I wouldn't be able to make the mortgage payments for long, I almost expected him to say I should have thought of that before I said I wanted to get divorced. But he didn't respond to my last email, and that's probably for the best.

[SkullKing]

So you paying the Mortgage, would mean spending your money, and then having the House be foreclosed anyway when you can no longer pay?

Does that mean it would be better to just let the house be foreclosed as soon as you have somewhere else to stay?(Sorry if it is a dumb question, I don´t know much about mortgages in the USA)

[Sarah Valentine]

Is the house in just his name or both of yours? If it's just his then let him deal with the bullshit, but if it's both of you ask a lawyer what you can do about the payments.

[BlaqueKatt]

The mortgage is about 68% of my take-home pay. If his job is paying him what he was asking for when he started looking, the mortgage would be about 22% of his take-home pay. And yet he's "nearly broke."

Well in my divorce I had to fill out a full financial disclosure, including proof of income and proof of bills I was paying/anticipated paying. And had to provide an accounting for where money was spent between separation and divorce being finalized to ensure neither of us was hiding anything(and we had to agree that each other's financials were accurate).

I don't think he's thinking any of this through. He's doing a lot of "woe is me" and martyring himself.

Of course Al and Ali are quite probably reinforcing his martyrdom because he's buying them things, and they aren't going to point out: "dude you're really being a dick about this."

I'd ask the attorney about the possibility of "awarding" him the house and it's financial burden to your STBEH and getting your name off it if possible. (do NOT fall into the "sunk cost fallacy")

[Ghel]

Answers, in no particular order:

The house is in both of our names. Even if it wasn't, Minnesota is a community property state for real estate, so both spouses automatically own the home of one spouse, even if it was bought before they were married.

I've decided not to pay the mortgage until I talk to the attorney. Yeah, it'll mean a late fee, but if I'm going to run out of money in a month or two (because of having to pay a retainer fee), then it doesn't make sense to make this month's payment either. I'd rather save that money for the down payment on a new house.

I'm anticipating having to give an accounting of what money came from where, and where it went. I can pull up the savings account statements and show how much of it was from my mom's estate, what portion of that went to the down payment on my car, how much was left when STBEH quit his job, and how much was left when he went to TN. I can also pull up the transactions for when he cashed in his retirement fund, how much I transferred to myself, and how much he transferred out of the joint account. I could also show how much he spent at restaurants and game stores during that time period, showing that he was wasting his money. But I'll only do that if he tries to claim he's broke again.

Even if he gets the house and gets assigned the mortgage, it doesn't come off my credit until it's paid off. That's something that most people don't realize about divorce. Unless the loan is paid off or the spouse who gets awarded the property refinances the loan, the loan is still in the other spouse's name, too. All the late payments and foreclosure would show up on my credit, too. The bank who holds the mortgage can still go after me to try to collect. That's the main reason I want to sell the house as soon as possible.

My contingency plan, right now, is if STBEH is unwilling to pay the mortgage, I'm going to buy a house as soon as I can, get moved, and let the bank foreclose on our house. The only issue with that is getting STBEH to sign the mortgage for my new house, then getting him to sign a quit claim deed when the divorce is finalized.

[s_stabeler]

My contingency plan, right now, is if STBEH is unwilling to pay the mortgage, I'm going to buy a house as soon as I can, get moved, and let the bank foreclose on our house. The only issue with that is getting STBEH to sign the mortgage for my new house, then getting him to sign a quit claim deed when the divorce is finalized.

I wouldn't do it that way. Simply because, given the way STBEH has acted, I doubt he'd sign the deed, or else only do it if you pay him half the cost of the house.

[Ghel]

I'm more worried that he would refuse to sign the mortgage. That would effectively prevent me from buying a house, making me homeless if our house gets foreclosed.

[patiokitty]

I would say at this point that it is safe to say that he will not sign off on the mortgage. He is going to continue being a petty little asshole and do nothing, not realizing that his not paying the mortgage on the house you are in now will affect his ability to get a mortgage in his own name.

At this point, even though I know you don't want to, your best bet would be to wash your hands of the house and find a rental. The property will be foreclosed on and your credit will pay the price of your STBEH being a childish little idiot. If you think he will play nice, I have a strong feeling you're going to be let down in a big way. Your STBEH has already demonstrated that he does not care what happens to you, and may even find it amusing if you end up living on the street.

[Ghel]

I don't want to give up on a house just yet. I'm talking with the divorce attorney tomorrow. I'll have a better idea what my options are then. If I have to rent for a few months between when the house is foreclosed on and when I can buy my own home, I will, but I don't intend for that to be permanent.

And I know what you're thinking - yeah, having a foreclosure on your credit report is normally a barrier to getting another mortgage. But the bank where I work knows what's going on, and I'm confident Goodhair would approve the loan for me.

ETA: I told my coworkers and Goodhair this morning that STBEH is refusing to make the mortgage payments. They were really supportive.

[Ghel]

My meeting with the divorce attorney wasn't bad, overall. We went over my situation and came up with this plan:

1. Don't pay the mortgage. If STBEH refuses to pay the mortgage, let the bank start the foreclosure process. I'll still have about a year before the foreclosure is done, and I can continue living in the house in the meantime.
2. Lower the sales price of the house to just enough to pay the mortgages and the realtor's fee. Then, if the house sells, there won't be any money left for STBEH and me to argue over.
3. Once the house is taken care of, file for divorce. The attorney's fees and court costs will be much less. The attorney suggested I request spousal maintenance. She thinks I'm likely to get it if I ask for it. (Actually collecting it from STBEH is a separate question. If I'm awarded spousal maintenance and STBEH refuses to pay, I'll have to hire an attorney in TN and get a judgement against him for it.)
4. I'll have to rent a place for a while, between when the house sells (or it's foreclosed on) and the divorce is complete. This might be difficult because of the pets, but I think I can manage.
5. Once the divorce is complete, buy a new house. This would be nearly impossible with the lates and (possibly) foreclosure on the mortgages for current house, but I know my bank will work with me. STBEH doesn't have that relationship with any bank so he may be SOL (ah, schadenfreude).
6. Live comfortably on my own for the foreseeable future.

I'm glad I took notes. My mind is mush after all the stuff we talked about. The attorney seemed to have my best interests in mind (although she was asking what seemed to be a really high retainer fee - it'll be less after the house situation is done) but she has a very forceful way of speaking (almost an accusatory tone) that was rather off-putting. It probably comes with the territory of being a divorce attorney. I've had a lot of practice dealing with unintended tone of voice from one of my coworkers, so I didn't let it bother me too much.

[SkullKing]

Good luck Ghel.

Hope everything works out

[Ghel]

I am hesitating to post this update. I don't know if it's relevant. But it's giving me a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach, which I hope will lessen if I share it.

This weekend, I rekindled a relationship with a guy (screen name Rook) I saw on Second Life over a year ago (closer to 2 years, iirc). I told him that STBEH and I were splitting up. Shortly after that, Rook revealed to me that, when Rook and I first started seeing each other, STBEH had sent him nude photos of me. I played down my shock, but it's really bothering me that STBEH would have sent nude photos of me to a largely anonymous person without my permission. It's a wholesale violation of my privacy and consent!

Rook said he didn't tell me at the time because he (a) was so "into" me and (b) he thought that STBEH and I had such a great relationship that he didn't want to cause any trouble. Which I thought at the time, too. I wish I had known, though. I probably would have left him then instead of now!

[patiokitty]

It's definitely relevant, Ghel. It shows just how long things have not been quite right between you and STBEH, that he would think nothing of violating your privacy simply because he's been of the mindset that he has control over your body and who gets to see it. And you're absolutely right that it's a violation of your privacy and consent...both things that are so damn important in any poly relationship!

[siead_lietrathua]

geez louise. STBEH is a huge douche. talk about your consent violations.
keep that bit of info handy though, in-case your divorce has a messy part, where a person's character can impact a decision. husband sending unsolicited nudes to your friends (even special friends) can add to your case in regards to him being both manipulative, and seeing you as an object. see if your friend is willing to e-mail you a signed statement. even if you never use it, it could help with showing how he disregards your consent.

[SkullKing]

Gather as much evidence as you can.

You can decide to keep it as a secret weapon, or go straight to the police.But don´t delay on the evidence gathering.

I think this shows once again that he does not think of you as an actual person.