My Imminent Divorce

[siead_lietrathua]

wow.. hubby sounds like a douche. and i stand by my "he wants you as a unicorn" thing.
i mean, i don't like using this phrase, but goddamn he fails at poly. hell, he just fails at husband-ness. hypocritical douchebag that thinks, what, it's all good if you fuck who he wants you to, but not who you want to? jeeebus.
you are so better off.

[s_stabeler]

actually, this sounds suspiciously to me like "I get to fuck who I want to, but you don't get to fuck who you want to"- which to me is the sign of an asshole.

[Kheldarson]

I was more thinking it was "I wanted permission to cheat, but it backfired when my wife actually turned out to be interested in poly".

[patiokitty]

Your husband clearly does not understand how polyamoury works - he does not get to control who you sleep with like that, especially when he got to pick out who he now gets to sleep with. It's fine for him to meet up with somebody he's never met in person and fuck them, but it's not fine for you? Yeah, it doesn't work like that.

You are better off without him and you are definitely making the right choice in divorcing his sorry ass.

[kaycivine]

Your Hubby sounds like a spoiled manipulative child.

I'm sorry you're stressed and hurting, but its probably better he is now becoming an ex-hubby.
Gah. That type of person makes me mad.

[Ghel]

Being able to vent here in anonymity helps a lot. Every time I write down something he's done (in the past - none of this is more recent than two weeks ago, now), it helps me realize that I'm making the right decision.

Your husband clearly does not understand how polyamoury works - he does not get to control who you sleep with like that, especially when he got to pick out who he now gets to sleep with. It's fine for him to meet up with somebody he's never met in person and fuck them, but it's not fine for you? Yeah, it doesn't work like that.

You are better off without him and you are definitely making the right choice in divorcing his sorry ass.

Thanks. I see it the same way.

If there's something wrong with me traveling to New York to meet someone I've "never met," then there was the same thing wrong with Ali and Al to travel to MN from TN to meet us, who they'd "never met" before then.

I think he got the idea for the relationship agreement from the "Polyamory Handbook" that I'd been reading portions of to him. At the time, we had agreed that we didn't need anything in writing. We just needed to talk with each other about how we wanted to handle things. One of the things we discussed is that, although we needed approval from the other to add a secondary relationship, we would at least get to know the secondary and discuss it before vetoing it. Obviously that didn't happen with Mycha.

It still pisses me off that, in Hubby's view, Mycha was supposed to contact him and get to know him "if he wants to get involved with someone else's wife." And he said this after he was given several opportunities to get to know Mycha. I think it was just justifying his inaction after the fact.

[SkullKing]

actually, this sounds suspiciously to me like "I get to fuck who I want to, but you don't get to fuck who you want to"- which to me is the sign of an asshole.

He was ok with Ghel and Al, as long as he was allowed to be with Ali (though he was insecure when they did the swap), and he was willing to be in a closed quad, which is a lot different from a "sleep with anyone" situation

He does seem like an asshole though.

@Ghel: seems to me you escaped from a relationship who was gradually turning abusive. And I hope you and Mycha get to meet each other.

[s_stabeler]

He was ok with Ghel and Al, as long as he was allowed to be with Ali (though he was insecure when they did the swap), and he was willing to be in a closed quad, which is a lot different from a "sleep with anyone" situation

thing is, I get the feeling that he considered Ghel and Al as the "price" to be able to be with Ali. Not to mention, if he truly was insecure about Ghel sleeping with Al, then that means it's inherently problematic- he was comfortable enough with him sleeping with other people, but insecure when it's his own wife sleeping with other people. It's the same problem.

[siead_lietrathua]

Not to mention, if he truly was insecure about Ghel sleeping with Al, then that means it's inherently problematic- he was comfortable enough with him sleeping with other people, but insecure when it's his own wife sleeping with other people. It's the same problem.

aka: stupid-ass OPP (one-penis-policy)
aka: the shit that spells out "hypocrite"

[Ghel]

And I hope you and Mycha get to meet each other.

Thanks. I think it's only a matter of time now. Mycha says that once things settle down for me (once the house is sold and I'm in my new place), he wants me to fly out to see him. Alternatively, if the house isn't sold by Thanksgiving, he's planning on flying out to see me. He doesn't want me to feel lonely around the holidays.

thing is, I get the feeling that he considered Ghel and Al as the "price" to be able to be with Ali.

I think this was a big part of it. He wanted to meet Ali, and Ali wanted Al and me to get together. So, yeah, it was the "price" to be with Ali.

I also think part of it was that he was "counting." He wanted to be "fair." If he was seeing someone else, he wanted me to see someone else. But since he was only seeing one other person, I could only see one other person. And that other person had to be Al, because that was the price. If I wanted to meet Mycha, that would no longer be "fair" to him.

aka: stupid-ass OPP (one-penis-policy)

There could be more than one penis, as long as that second penis was Al's. But I see what you're saying. Even when I was with Al, Hubby became insecure.

[SkullKing]

I think this was a big part of it. He wanted to meet Ali, and Ali wanted Al and me to get together. So, yeah, it was the "price" to be with Ali.

I also think part of it was that he was "counting." He wanted to be "fair." If he was seeing someone else, he wanted me to see someone else. But since he was only seeing one other person, I could only see one other person. And that other person had to be Al, because that was the price. If I wanted to meet Mycha, that would no longer be "fair" to him.

The more you talk about him, the more he sounds to me like someone who found out about poly and thought "excuse to cheat", but knowing it is wrong still feels a bit bad about it, but not really(thus not being fair, but trying to give himself the argument of being fair).

[Ghel]

Mycha reminded me yesterday of something my STBEH said to him the day after I said I wanted to get divorced. "She's all yours. You can take care of her now."

Like he was giving away a pet or transferring property. Mycha focused more on the idea that Hubby was giving him permission to be with me, but I see it more that Hubby didn't see me as an independent person, able to take care of myself and make my own decisions.

I tried to explain to Hubby several times that if I don't have the option to be on my own (emotionally, financially, etc.), then the choice to stay with him isn't really a choice, it's coercion. Although he agreed with me at the time, his statement to Mycha suggests he doesn't really understand what I meant.

[patiokitty]

Your STBEH's statement to Mycha makes it pretty clear that he sees you as a possession, not as a person. I have a feeling that it has been that way for a long time. And as his possession you were expected to do what he tells you - I don't think he ever intended for you to have interests outside of what he dictated for you, hence him not even thinking to get your opinion on setting up the quad with Ali and Al. Also, I don't think he cares what you mean simply because he refuses to think you're a capable human being, so speaking to him is not going to solve anything.

The best revenge is proving the other party wrong. Go out there, live independently, and have fun doing it. And when your STBEH's happy little mirage falls apart you get to sit back and laugh because he brought it on himself.

[Ghel]

Thanks, patiokitty.

Mycha actually apologized for bringing up what hubby said above. He said to focus on the love, not the loss. It's good to know I've got a few supportive people in my life.

STBEH is supposed to be getting a check from his retirement fund next week, so he is flying up in two weeks to rent a UHaul and take his stuff to TN with him. It kind of pisses me off that he expects me to pack up all of his stuff so he can just load it up and take it with him. OTOH, I want to get his stuff out of the house.

He emailed me yesterday while I was working to talk about which things he wanted. Most of it was reasonable - stuff that he'd bought and I don't want anyway. Most things we've got two of, such as two tvs and two beds. He can have the bigger of each. I don't need a king size bed or a ginormous tv. But it pissed me off that he was bothering me while I was working to discuss it.

It's going to be very difficult to be face-to-face with him again. He wants to get together with friends while he's here for a sort-of going away lunch. At first, it sounded like he wanted me to arrange the lunch, so I told him I'd leave it up to him to contact everyone he wanted to invite.

[patiokitty]

When he is there to pick up his stuff is there anybody that can be there with you? That way you have a witness if he starts anything or tries to take more than what you've agreed upon. I had to do that once when dealing with a particularly odious ex of my own, and I'm glad I did because the arsehole tried to claim that I took more than my fair share of stuff. Better to cover your ass in these situations.

I think the reason he contacted you while you were working may have been two-fold - 1) there isn't time for any real conversation, and 2) because he may have wanted to get you upset at work so that you wouldn't be as effective at your job.