My Imminent Divorce

[Ghel]

I think there will be some mutual friends there to help load his furniture into the truck. On your suggestion, I'm going to try to get a friend to come over, at least during the day, both for moral support and to avoid arguments with him. It sounds like he'll be staying one or two nights. Once the king-size bed is in the truck, he'll have to sleep on the couch. It's going to be difficult enough emotionally, I don't think I want enough physical contact to give him a hug. But I expect him to ask for one.

I emailed him on my lunch break to ask if he was going to have someone there to help him load his furniture into the truck. No response. Yesterday, he emailed me multiple times and today he isn't responding to my email. I doubt he's doing it on purpose, but it makes him look an asshole.

[patiokitty]

How are you holding up, Ghel?

[Ghel]

I'm doing ok, overall. Thanks for asking.

I had a couple brief times when I started to break down this weekend. Mycha suggested I work on the paperwork for the divorce, even if I can't afford to file it yet. So I logged into the MN courts website to work on the divorce papers. They have a fairly nice website where it will ask you all the questions, you enter the answers, and it fills out the papers for you (assuming that you and your spouse agree on everything). That was very cathartic.

It's not done yet, but it saves everything as you go along, so I can go back and enter more as I need the stress relief. When I got to the real estate section, it didn't have an option for "we want to sell the house and split the proceeds." So I said that I get the house, and my STBEH has to pay the mortgage. I can always go back and change it later, before I print the documents.

I think I've mentioned that my STBEH is cashing in his retirement fund. He should be getting a check this week. Assuming he deposits it here at the bank where I work, I'm going to withdraw the $3000 he owes me and put it in an account with only my name on it. Then I don't have to worry about him paying me back in the divorce.

[Shyla]

I have to disagree with you. You should have a lawyer. Many of them will give you a free consultation. You could be entitled to have your husband pay part or all of your legal fees. I don't know what all you're entitled to as far as the house, a return of the money he took from savings, etc. Of course you're thinking about all the emotional stuff but the lawyer can think without that.

While the sex stuff is important to you and how you feel, I don't think it will be relevant if you're both agreeing to divorce. But the lawyer cam tell you.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you and your husband have different goals so you have to do what is right for you.

[Ghel]

You should have a lawyer.

I have the same thought I did when STBEH suggested I hire a paralegal. I can't afford the $402 to file the divorce papers, how am I supposed to afford to hire a lawyer? I doubt a free consult would yield any more information than I already know from the research I've done. Minnesota is a "no fault" divorce state, so the emotional and sexual stuff is irrelevant, particularly if we're doing an amicable divorce.

Thanks for your support, though.

[Kara_CS]

Sorry to hear about all this. It definitely sounds like your STBEH doesn't value you as a person anymore. As for the cost, it was $1500 to hire my attorney, but he handled my divorce, custody hearings, and the bogus charges against me. I've only been active in the kink world for a couple of years, but trust is of the utmost importance and it needs to run both ways. A lot of your STBEH's actions sound like my fiancee's ex, who got her into being poly in the first place, but everything had to be on the ex's terms. I still struggle sometimes with my fiancee being polyamorous, but I know she loves me and that any playmates are and always will be secondary to us. Of course, my leftover damage from my ex makes me feel like I'm not enough to keep her happy and that she's looking to replace me, but in my heart I know that's not true. She keeps saying that if I want to be part of it or want playmates of my own it's fine, but I can't really wrap my head around that yet. I doubt my ability to keep one person happy, I'm not ready to worry about multiple people.

[Ghel]

Thanks for the support, Kara. I really appreciate it.

Here's the latest shit: The check for his retirement fund arrived today at my house. When I texted him to say I would deposit it tomorrow, he said he was "pissed off" that it arrived in MN instead of TN, saying he wanted to establish a checking account in TN. But as of today, his checking account at my bank (where I work!) is into $900 of his $1000 overdraft line of credit. If the check hadn't arrived today, he might have gone over that and been actually overdrawn. And since I work at the bank and my name is on that account, it would be a very bad thing for me to have an overdrawn account.

I'm trying not to assume the worst, but I have this feeling that he planned to deposit the check in an account in TN and screw me out of both the money he owes the bank for his overdraft line of credit and the $3000 he owes me for the savings account that was drained while he's been looking for work. (Still no job offers, BTW.)

So I'm looking for a little bit of advice here. Do I take the $3000 he owes me now, while it's in an account I have access to, and worry about him screaming at me and harassing me over it? Or do I wait and fight for it in the divorce or from the sale of the house?

[patiokitty]

I would take the money now and sock it away into an account that he can't touch. Let him scream about it - he owes you that money, and I'm pretty sure that he has no intention of paying you back as a way to get back at you for not dancing to the tune he has set. I think you are absolutely right about him likely wanting to deposit the check into an account in TN to screw you and the bank out of money he owes.

Also, once his overdraft is taken care of and you have that $3000 set aside, see if you can get your name off of that account. That way if he gets overdrawn again your name will not sink with it.

As for the no job offers on his side, I really wonder if he is even trying to look for work at all. I'm wondering if perhaps he isn't living off of Ali and Al, and that the three of them were waiting for the retirement check to come in so they could like high on the hog.

I would not wait until the sale of the house because you need that peace of mind that having that money would provide. And I would do it ASAP because what is going to stop him from withdrawing all the money now?

[Kara_CS]

I'd say it's best to wait until the court decides, but my ex cleaned out my bank account before filing for divorce and despite talking to my attorney about this and all the personal property my ex also took of mine, nothing ever came of it.

[wolfie]

When I texted him to say I would deposit it tomorrow, he said he was "pissed off" that it arrived in MN instead of TN, saying he wanted to establish a checking account in TN.

I'm assuming the checking account in MN is in both your names. Having the retirement cheque arrive in MN won't stop him from establishing a checking account in TN - he can open one with a small cash deposit, and then write himself a cheque from the MN account (or, as it sounds more likely, file a BOAT request).

Other than the $3000 (presumably from the estate you mentioned) you are owed, was any of your money in the joint account? Definitely take the $3000 into an account that's in your name only - and if there was other money of yours in there, get that too. Do this IMMEDIATELY, so your transfer gets through before his. Be sure to document (e-mail to him?) that you have taken this money out of the joint account as an offset for what he owed you, in the form of money you inherited but he spent (i.e. you're not taking a chunk of his money, merely doing a "pull" repayment). Also, once the balance is positive and you have your money out, get your name taken off the account so his overdrawing it won't land you in trouble.

From the way things sound here, it looks like he wanted the entire cheque for himself and to skip out on paying back the money he owes you, leaving you with the overdrawn joint account.

[kaycivine]

Take the money he owes you. And once its positive, take your name off that joint account. There is no reason a decent honest man would be "pissed off" like that and moody over it, imo. Your gut feeling is probably right, considering he tried to turn things on you before.

[Peppergirl]

I think your gut is right here, Ghel. I think he planned to leave you holding the bag, I'm sorry to say.

Also, since you work at a bank I'm sure you know this, but don't both people have to consent to having one taken off a joint account? Reason I say this is because my ex-bf is STILL on one of my accounts, because my bank told me we'd both have to sign to close the account, then I'd have to open a separate new one in my name only.

Since it was an amicable break upl (we are still friends even today - this was in 2008), I just said forget it. He had taken a job 250 miles away (where there were no branches of said bank) so it would have been a huge hassle to shut it down, then open one up in my name.

Presumably you can't just remove yourself from the joint account without some paperwork you both sign (at minimum) can you?

Like I said, I'm sure you know all that since you work in a bank..but figured I'd relate my experience about it to give you a heads up.

Edited to add: What a dirtbag! (Sorry, just thinking on this further)..he knows you work in the bank and how freaking embarrassing it would be for you if the account had gone past the overdraft protection and fully into overdrawn. Embarrassing, at minimum! Possibly not good for your job security either, right? Ugh - makes me so mad for you!!!

[SkullKing]

I think you should cover your ass. Your husband STBEH doesn´t seem tot hink of you as a person anymore which means he won´t think twice before screwing you over.

Despite the divorce being "Amicable" I really think you should take the tatical position of thinking of STBEH as a adversary.

Thgat said, regarding the money, Did he own you all of it? or can you take it, pay everything that needs to be paid(e.g.: mortgage
) and then give him the remaining?

[Ghel]

Thanks, folks. I'm going to set that $3000 aside in a savings account with just my name on it, so he can't touch it. If I do that, then I won't worry about getting half of the retirement money, as one friend suggested. Especially since STBEH told me he wants me to pay the mortgage and some other bills out of the joint checking account, so I'll do that, gladly.

In order to take my name off the joint checking account, we would both need to sign for it. His part would have to go through the mail. And I don't think I want to do that right now. I'll keep paying bills out of that account until there isn't any money left or until the house sells. Then I can close the account and send him a check for the whatever's left. My bank only requires that the account be brought to a zero balance to close it, and any one who's on the account can do that.

And yeah, I told him he could withdraw a couple hundred cash at an ATM to open a checking account in TN. He didn't need the entire check, which he would have had to either deposit and send me a check out of his new account or endorse and mail to me, so his wanting the check mailed to TN doesn't make sense if he really was planning on sending me any of the money from it. (I hope that last sentence makes sense.)

ETA: I did as I described above. STBEH must have been watching his online banking, because half an hour after I withdrew the $3000 from the joint account, he was calling me to ask about it. I simply told him that was my portion of the savings account, and I was paying myself back. He gave a long, drawn out "oooookaaaaay..." I didn't say anything. I didn't want to explain any farther. If he was going to complain, I was going to let him. But after an awkward silence, he merely said "whatever" and asked me to pay the mortgage and other bills we'd talked about.

[s_stabeler]

yeah, he was trying to screw you out of the monye he owes you- n doubt as "revenge" for not dancing to his tune, and/or actually wanting a divorce. ( i'm looking at HIS logic for trying to screw you over, NOT how I see it)