My Imminent Divorce

[Ghel]

Yeah, getting the state to collect out of his paycheck is my first option, if they'll do it. My lawyer made it sound like they might do it, but it isn't certain.

I signed the initial divorce papers, and they're on their way via certified mail to the last address I had for STBEH. Now I have to wait and see what happens when/if he gets them.

Meanwhile, I've been having dreams about STBEH. Mostly of us arguing and me walking away. The other night, I dreamed he met me at a mall, convinced me to have dinner with him, and then started accusing me of wanting to steal his girlfriend. When he said, "she's mine!" I got up and walked out of the restaurant. Then he yells after me that it's too far to walk and he'll give me a ride home. But I just keep walking. Even in my dreams, I realize that it's not worth arguing with his delusions.

But apparently, my subconscious mind thinks that STBEH thinks I want his girlfriend.

[SkullKing]

Good luck with this.

i think the dreams of you walking away are an indication that mentally you are in a good place, all things considered.

[SkullKing]

Forgot to ask:

How is are you and your dog holding up?

Is she missing he much?

Tatically/financially you seem to be doing everything ok, but how are you emotionally? You have good friends with you?

[Ghel]

I had to give the dog away. She wouldn't have done well in an apartment. I'm not much of a dog person anyway.

Actually, I'm not doing so great financially. I keep having to dig into my savings to pay my bills. I'm lucky I have that to rely on, but it's dwindling fast. I hope that STBEH doesn't fight the alimony and I start getting it before I have to dig into my retirement fund.

As for the emotional impact, yeah, I've got a few friends I can rely on, especially my new boyfriend. He's been very supportive through all this. We've been dating for about six months, and he moved in with me this week. (Which also helps some with the financial stuff.)

[SkullKing]

I didn´t mean to imply that everything was ok financially, just that given that given a bad situation you are dealing with it sensibly in the best possible way.

Did STBEH at least offer to get the dog? you mentioned she liked him?

It is good you are not alone. You still talking with Mycha?

Good luck.

[Ghel]

Thanks, SkullKing.

STBEH wasn't interested in taking the dog. He just wanted his cat.

Yeah, I still talk to Mycha pretty often. He's been very supportive through all this, too.

[Ghel]

Finally got the first set of docs back from STBEH. He seems to think my take-home pay is $1000 a month more than it is, and he used that as an excuse to say he doesn't think he should have to pay alimony. What a jerk. I have to call my lawyer to see what we do next.

After receiving the docs this weekend, I had a dream that I was laying in bed talking to STBEH (well, arguing) about the info he put in the docs. In my dream, he couldn't believe that I was only making half as much income as he was. He insisted his numbers were right. I think the laying in bed part is because that was often when we did most of our talking (though not arguing). But dreams are weird.

I keep reminding myself that at least I know what his current address is (he moved out of Al's place), where he works, and how much income, savings, and debt he has.

ETA: After talking to my lawyer, she's mailing me some papers to complete (mostly income info and the like), which I'll need to complete and get back to her in a hurry. Because the first hearing is June 6. I'm really nervous about that. I'm sure she'll handle everything - that's what she's there for - but I can't help but worry about it.

[s_stabeler]

I'm not a lawyer, so if anything I say contradicts what your lawyer has told you, they are probably right, but from what I understand, what he claims you get by way of income is largely irrelevant-it's how much that he can prove you earn that matters.

The truth is probably that he claimed you have $1000 per month extra in take-home income is because it would get him out of paying alimony. The reason is that alimony is designed to ensure you can continue to live 'in the lifestyle they have become accustomed to"- so if your income is sufficient to allow you to live the same lifestyle as you could while married, alimony would not be due.

[Ghel]

I agree - what he thinks my income is is largely irrelevant. The documents that my lawyer is sending me to fill out will show what my income actually is. (It sounds like I'll have to provide my latest paystub to show that's my actual income, so he can't claim it's different.)

I'm only asking him to pay alimony to get me halfway to the level he thinks my take-home pay is, so he shouldn't have a problem with that, right? Right?

[Ghel]

As promised in another thread, here's what little update I have: the first hearing has been pushed back to Sept. 20th. I'm pretty sure STBEH finally filed his paperwork with the court, but I'm not 100% sure on that.

I guess I didn't mention the last emails between STBEH and myself. He emailed me back in May, after my last post, to try to convince me that he didn't make enough more than me to justify paying alimony. He said he talked to an attorney, but he wasn't clear whether he'd talked to one who worked in TN or MN. And what he said didn't line up with what my attorney had said, so I'm not sure if he got bad info or just misinterpreted it (which he has a tendency to do). He tried to claim he was poor by saying he was making less than at his last full-time job (but still $20k more a year than me) and he had to drive an hour and a half to get to work. (I guess it's my fault that he chose to rent a place that's out in the country?)

I was tempted to respond with snark and vitriol, but I knew it wouldn't get anywhere. So I merely said "I have confidence in my attorney's knowledge, experience and ability. I could discuss the details of the paperwork with you, but I don't see any point. You're not going to convince me not to pursue spousal maintenance." And I left it at that.

After that, he started emailing my attorney. First with his misunderstandings about how divorces work in Minnesota. Then with accusations that I stole his retirement fund. After I explained to my attorney what happened, she seemed fine with that and only responded to him that my understanding of what happened was different from his and that I didn't feel that I'd broken any laws. Which I should know, since I work at a bank. Then he threatened to sue me or have me charged for "stealing" that $3000. I wanted to spit back that it's been 2 years, and his only response at the time was "whatever." Why didn't he sue me then, if it was such a big deal?

His last email again threatened to have me charged with stealing his retirement fund (this time, all of it, not just the $3000 ). He threatened that I could lose my job over this (asshole). (Never mind that he has effectively prevented me from getting a better job by not paying the mortgage and letting it get foreclosed.) He said that it was illegal for me to close our joint account. (No, it isn't, asshole. Anybody on a joint account can close it.) After discussing it with my attorney, she decided not to even respond. The hearing is set, and I've done everything I need to do to prepare for that. She did warn me that this is the sort of thing one tends to see in divorces - the spouses get mean. Too bad she couldn't have warned me before.


So much for "soon to be" ex husband. I started this thread 2 years ago.

[Kheldarson]

Sorry he's playing rough, Ghel

(Never mind that he has effectively prevented me from getting a better job by not paying the mortgage and letting it get foreclosed.) .

Couldn't you explain this one at interviews though? I know the mortgage was with your bank, so if it came up wouldn't "the mortgage was set up with two pay checks in mind and when my husband left, he refused to pay his share" be understandable?

[Ghel]

I've put the job search on hold until the divorce is complete, but yeah. I tried to explain it at a couple of interviews. It didn't seem to help.

[s_stabeler]

probably because it's not the foreclosure as such that is the problem. Long story short, banks don't like employing people in financial trouble, and Ghel has had financial issues at least since the divorce (IIRC, STBEH kept expecting Ghel to pay the entirety of the bills- or at least most of them- while he earned more than Ghel. It doesn't help that once the divorce started, he refused to pay his share of the mortgage on the house.)

[Ghel]

The hearing is tomorrow. I spent a good chunk of time yesterday getting all the relevant tax returns and checking and savings accounts ready. I hope I don't need them, but if STBEH is going to continue to accuse me of shit, I'll have documentation of exactly what happened. Back to when I got the money from my mom's life insurance, if necessary.

With the weather cooling off, I got somewhat triggered last week, just from being cold. It reminded me of having to live in a house I didn't want and couldn't afford to heat, with the hope I could sell it and avoid having a foreclosure on my credit. That winter and a half were awful.

[Ghel]

The hearing was actually rather anti-climactic. STBEH didn't show, but his lawyer was there. Well, actually, his lawyer couldn't make it, so she sent someone else from her firm.

While we were waiting in the hallway, my lawyer pointed out that it was very bad form for STBEH not to be there, since they delayed the hearing 3 months specifically so that he could make arrangements to be there. Then she went over to talk to the other lawyer. I could overhear most of what they were saying. His lawyer didn't seem to be aware that STBEH is making almost twice what I am. Which seems weird, since they have the same paperwork that I do, showing his income vs. mine.

I didn't even have to go in front of the judge. The two lawyers had a meeting with the judge in his chambers while I waited in the hallway. Luckily, I brought a book to read. I was also over-prepared, with copies of bank statements, showing what actually happened with the things he accused me of, and tax returns going back to 2009, showing that he's made over twice as much as me going at least that far back.

The next step is mediation. That will be scheduled within the next couple weeks. My lawyer is ok with STBEH attending by phone, since I'll be able to make eye contact with the mediator and he'll be just a disembodied voice. If the mediation goes smoothly, that will be about it. If STBEH fights it, it will go to another hearing and trial.

I can't wait to get this done. I keep dwelling on what I'll say in different circumstances. I know it's important to be prepared, but this is too much. I wish my brain would just shut up for a while.