In other news

[Rapscallion]

From news I just made up.

A savage assault with a loaded gun was averted today by the very fact that the person who wanted to commit the crime didn't have a gun.

"Guns are hard to get hold of these days," said Oneoff Newsstory, sobbing sadly as he became another claim to support one side or the other, without any reference to supporting independent data. "Id I'd had a gun, I'd definitely have taken out the nearest bunch of people."

Rapscallion

[Wingates_Hellsing]

In other news, Bob McCrazyguy has a plan to patrol graveyards 24/7. When asked about the lunacy of his initial premise, he responded as follows:

"A zombie apocalypse could happen at any moment! If we aren't ready, over 80% of the world's population will die... I know, because I'm an expert... in zombology "

The latest addition to his online store, zomboff, has already sold 50,000 units in just under a week. We here at whogivesashit channel 4.5 news have decided to purchase a combat knife from the same store, so we can slit our wrists. Fuck all of you, we don't want to live on the same planet as you anymore...

Cookie for the reference