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It never fails. Every couple of years, the Olympics come along (winter or summer), and people argue about what events should not be Olympic sports. I myself have fallen into this, as I think some of the things being competed just should NOT be Olympic sports, and some are not even really sports. I am not saying the people competing in them are not talented, mind you, merely that the activities are not sports and/or are not worthy of being in the Olympics, and/or are simply past their time and should be retired as sports of a previous age.
This thread is NOT about debating that. Oh, hell no. This thread is about improving Olympic sports, and making them more watchable. And lest anyone think that I am only going to comment on the events I look down my nose on, let me assure you that there are no sacred cows here. Even my favorite sports will be targeted. So, let's begin, shall we?
Bobsledding: This is by far my favorite Winter Olympic sport, and I would absolutely kill to get a ride in a bobsled; yes, I would even deal with the cold I hate so much to do this. However, even I admit that a lot could be done to improve the sport. First, I would widen the runs. Why? So two sleds could go down at once. Hey, if you're gonna make it a race, make it a RACE! And how exciting would it be to see these guys trying to pass on those wild turns, and the bumping and jostling that would take place. And the crashes? They would be EPIC.
Water polo: They have a shot clock. Enforce it. Whenever a team violates the shot clock, release a shark or two into the pool. Scores would go up as shooting would be far more furious, don't ya think?
Basketball: Stolen directly from George Carlin's repertoire, a gas fire across center court. Talk about a fast break!
Soccer: Two things. First, get rid of the ridiculous offsides rule. Secondly...well, just four words, really: randomly placed land mines.
Equestrian: Make things more interesting by combining this with archery. Specifically, those competing in archer would aim at the riders of these horses, trying to take them out. The archers would get points for hitting the riders, the riders would get point for avoiding being shot. Winners: the viewers and the horses.
Archery: See above. Alternatively, have the archers face each other from a distance and see who can do the most damage to whom. Clearly this would REALLY take nerves of steel, and absolute faith in one's accuracy. It would certainly speed things up, too, as archers would be quick to fire to avoid being fired upon.
Track cycling: I am a cyclist, and track cycling in a velodrome is about as exciting as watching grass grow in slow motion while Vern Lundquist does the commentary. Two laps of yawn yawn yawn, then 20 seconds of full out speed? And they call that a sprint? Bitches, please. Keep the bikes brakeless (great idea!), but add gearing, allowing the cyclists to really ratchet up the speeds. Then require them to do ten laps of ACTUAL FUCKING SPRINTING. Bonus points awarded for knocking the other riders off their bikes, roller derby style. Hey, this is a sprint....be fast!
Men's beach volleyball: Now, I'm all about equal opportunity. But I have to say, the ladies are getting short shrift here. Think about it: in women's beach volleyball, the uniforms are the skimpiest of skintight bikinis. Which is why straight men LOVE this sport. But in men's beach volleyball, they wear jams and tank tops? What the fuck is this bullshit? Look, if divers can wear speedos and show their well-conditioned bodies to millions on tv, so can you, ya beach bums. It's only fair.
Women's beach volleyball: At certain scoring points in the matches, members from each team must lost some element of their clothing. Alternatively, oil the players up before each match. Let's be honest about why we're watching these fine athletes. (And yes, ladies, I'm all in favor of the same rules applying to men's beach volleyball...I just don't really care either way if that goes down.)
Indoor volleyball: See uniforms of the beach volleyball players. Adjust accordingly. Brazil, that goes double for you. Rowr!
Diving: Threw words: Synchronized belly flopping. I dare say shot putters and weight lifters could cross train for this.
Shot put: Screw that boring old ball. How about throwing some dwarves, or beer kegs, or maybe even some bowling balls?
Javelin: This is a sport paying homage to hunting, so why not bring some of its history back? Release a wild boar from one end of the field and send it charging towards the javelin thrower. Winners are based on accuracy and distance: whoever kills or disables the boar from the furthest with the least amount of javelins wins. Whoever doesn't kill or disables the boar....loses.
Hurdles: Top the hurdles with barbed wire or broken glass. Make these runners respect the fact that they need to go OVER the hurdles, not just charge through them like a rhino. (Hmmm...rhino might be great for advanced javelin, though...something to consider.)
Sprints: Easily one of the most exciting events. How to improve it then? Well, since we can't clone Usain Bolt and have him run against himself all the time (which, let's admit it, would be AWESOME!), why not have Olympic marksmen fire upon the sprinters. Once the starting gun goes off, the REAL guns start up. You'll see some serious ass-hauling as these runners run not just for the gold, but for their very lives.
Shooting: See sprints. Also see archery for a lovely alternative idea.
Distance runners: fuck the track. Make them run through some horribly dangerous wilderness, be it desert, jungle, mountains, or El Paso.
Steeple chase: They run. They hurdle. And occasionally: they splash down into water. Why? Great question. Who the fuck knows? More importantly, who the fuck cares? But if we're gonna keep this sport, let's go all out...when they jump the hurdles that precede water, make the water actual small swimming pools that they have to swim through to get back to sprinting. Otherwise, they're just playing in puddles, really.
Gymnastics: Shock collars. Not controlled by the coaches, as too many of them would enjoy it too much. But by the judges, for gymnasts who dog it or act like divas. I am sure other things could be added to spice things up...suggestions?
Curling: Allow the use of flamethrowers. Not on the curlers, as that is just mean. But on the ice that their opponents are competing on. Strategy would be about not melting it too much lest you or your teammates end up in the drink. And frankly, wouldn't it be more fun to watch if the flamethrowers actually replaced those damn brooms? You'd see the raBtings shoot through the roof!
Synchronized Swimming: Clown outfits and clown makeup. Look, this is about as ridiculous a sports as their is--it makes curling look legitimate by comparison, for goodness sake. So embrace the ridiculousness of it. Hell, make them wear flippers that look like clown shoes. With them attired like Bozo and Wanky, and still able to maintain their water dance in time with one another, then and only then could I really take these "athletes" seriously.
Swimming: Get rid of the suits. Just swim naked, as the original Olympians competed. You don't think ratings would surge? These people have some of the best conditioned bodes in the games. And it would certainly help develop new strategies for how to deal with drag, don't you think?
Handball: I am not sure if they have a shot clock like water polo does, but they should have one. And it should be controlled internally by the ball, which should actually have an imbedded explosive. If the shot clock goes off, so does the handball/grenade. Once again, picking up the pace of things to a furious level.
Badminton: You quit on your sport or your team, you are summarily executed. Wait, that may already be happening.....
Table tennis: You lose a point, you (or your team, for doubles play) have to do a shot of rum (or whatever). Would make the later parts of matches REALLY interesting.
Figure skating: allow all the banned acrobatic moves that everyone really wants to see, and that most of the skaters would really like to do. (Yes, an actual serious suggestion in this thread. How did that sneak in here?) I know, I know, the argument against this is about safety for the competitors. Safety? Really? This is an international event that allows participants to tread water in a pool for an hour, throw javelins, shoot guns, fire arrows, lift ridiculous weights, play team sports that often elevate contact to a dangerous level, hurl themselves down mountains on wooden planks, and run straight at a gymnastic apparatus that more than one have barreled straight into--and if they actually manage to make the vault, hurl themselves through the air twisting and turning like virtually no humans can, and attempting to defy the laws of physics by landing square on their feet without hopping for balance? Safety....riiiiiiiight.
These are my suggestions for an improved, more modern, more watchable, and far more fun Olympics. Feel free to add your own. And remember: there are no sacred cows. Unless, of course, you're a Hindu. But that's another discussion....
This thread is NOT about debating that. Oh, hell no. This thread is about improving Olympic sports, and making them more watchable. And lest anyone think that I am only going to comment on the events I look down my nose on, let me assure you that there are no sacred cows here. Even my favorite sports will be targeted. So, let's begin, shall we?
Bobsledding: This is by far my favorite Winter Olympic sport, and I would absolutely kill to get a ride in a bobsled; yes, I would even deal with the cold I hate so much to do this. However, even I admit that a lot could be done to improve the sport. First, I would widen the runs. Why? So two sleds could go down at once. Hey, if you're gonna make it a race, make it a RACE! And how exciting would it be to see these guys trying to pass on those wild turns, and the bumping and jostling that would take place. And the crashes? They would be EPIC.
Water polo: They have a shot clock. Enforce it. Whenever a team violates the shot clock, release a shark or two into the pool. Scores would go up as shooting would be far more furious, don't ya think?
Basketball: Stolen directly from George Carlin's repertoire, a gas fire across center court. Talk about a fast break!
Soccer: Two things. First, get rid of the ridiculous offsides rule. Secondly...well, just four words, really: randomly placed land mines.
Equestrian: Make things more interesting by combining this with archery. Specifically, those competing in archer would aim at the riders of these horses, trying to take them out. The archers would get points for hitting the riders, the riders would get point for avoiding being shot. Winners: the viewers and the horses.
Archery: See above. Alternatively, have the archers face each other from a distance and see who can do the most damage to whom. Clearly this would REALLY take nerves of steel, and absolute faith in one's accuracy. It would certainly speed things up, too, as archers would be quick to fire to avoid being fired upon.
Track cycling: I am a cyclist, and track cycling in a velodrome is about as exciting as watching grass grow in slow motion while Vern Lundquist does the commentary. Two laps of yawn yawn yawn, then 20 seconds of full out speed? And they call that a sprint? Bitches, please. Keep the bikes brakeless (great idea!), but add gearing, allowing the cyclists to really ratchet up the speeds. Then require them to do ten laps of ACTUAL FUCKING SPRINTING. Bonus points awarded for knocking the other riders off their bikes, roller derby style. Hey, this is a sprint....be fast!
Men's beach volleyball: Now, I'm all about equal opportunity. But I have to say, the ladies are getting short shrift here. Think about it: in women's beach volleyball, the uniforms are the skimpiest of skintight bikinis. Which is why straight men LOVE this sport. But in men's beach volleyball, they wear jams and tank tops? What the fuck is this bullshit? Look, if divers can wear speedos and show their well-conditioned bodies to millions on tv, so can you, ya beach bums. It's only fair.
Women's beach volleyball: At certain scoring points in the matches, members from each team must lost some element of their clothing. Alternatively, oil the players up before each match. Let's be honest about why we're watching these fine athletes. (And yes, ladies, I'm all in favor of the same rules applying to men's beach volleyball...I just don't really care either way if that goes down.)
Indoor volleyball: See uniforms of the beach volleyball players. Adjust accordingly. Brazil, that goes double for you. Rowr!
Diving: Threw words: Synchronized belly flopping. I dare say shot putters and weight lifters could cross train for this.
Shot put: Screw that boring old ball. How about throwing some dwarves, or beer kegs, or maybe even some bowling balls?
Javelin: This is a sport paying homage to hunting, so why not bring some of its history back? Release a wild boar from one end of the field and send it charging towards the javelin thrower. Winners are based on accuracy and distance: whoever kills or disables the boar from the furthest with the least amount of javelins wins. Whoever doesn't kill or disables the boar....loses.
Hurdles: Top the hurdles with barbed wire or broken glass. Make these runners respect the fact that they need to go OVER the hurdles, not just charge through them like a rhino. (Hmmm...rhino might be great for advanced javelin, though...something to consider.)
Sprints: Easily one of the most exciting events. How to improve it then? Well, since we can't clone Usain Bolt and have him run against himself all the time (which, let's admit it, would be AWESOME!), why not have Olympic marksmen fire upon the sprinters. Once the starting gun goes off, the REAL guns start up. You'll see some serious ass-hauling as these runners run not just for the gold, but for their very lives.
Shooting: See sprints. Also see archery for a lovely alternative idea.
Distance runners: fuck the track. Make them run through some horribly dangerous wilderness, be it desert, jungle, mountains, or El Paso.
Steeple chase: They run. They hurdle. And occasionally: they splash down into water. Why? Great question. Who the fuck knows? More importantly, who the fuck cares? But if we're gonna keep this sport, let's go all out...when they jump the hurdles that precede water, make the water actual small swimming pools that they have to swim through to get back to sprinting. Otherwise, they're just playing in puddles, really.
Gymnastics: Shock collars. Not controlled by the coaches, as too many of them would enjoy it too much. But by the judges, for gymnasts who dog it or act like divas. I am sure other things could be added to spice things up...suggestions?
Curling: Allow the use of flamethrowers. Not on the curlers, as that is just mean. But on the ice that their opponents are competing on. Strategy would be about not melting it too much lest you or your teammates end up in the drink. And frankly, wouldn't it be more fun to watch if the flamethrowers actually replaced those damn brooms? You'd see the raBtings shoot through the roof!
Synchronized Swimming: Clown outfits and clown makeup. Look, this is about as ridiculous a sports as their is--it makes curling look legitimate by comparison, for goodness sake. So embrace the ridiculousness of it. Hell, make them wear flippers that look like clown shoes. With them attired like Bozo and Wanky, and still able to maintain their water dance in time with one another, then and only then could I really take these "athletes" seriously.
Swimming: Get rid of the suits. Just swim naked, as the original Olympians competed. You don't think ratings would surge? These people have some of the best conditioned bodes in the games. And it would certainly help develop new strategies for how to deal with drag, don't you think?
Handball: I am not sure if they have a shot clock like water polo does, but they should have one. And it should be controlled internally by the ball, which should actually have an imbedded explosive. If the shot clock goes off, so does the handball/grenade. Once again, picking up the pace of things to a furious level.
Badminton: You quit on your sport or your team, you are summarily executed. Wait, that may already be happening.....
Table tennis: You lose a point, you (or your team, for doubles play) have to do a shot of rum (or whatever). Would make the later parts of matches REALLY interesting.
Figure skating: allow all the banned acrobatic moves that everyone really wants to see, and that most of the skaters would really like to do. (Yes, an actual serious suggestion in this thread. How did that sneak in here?) I know, I know, the argument against this is about safety for the competitors. Safety? Really? This is an international event that allows participants to tread water in a pool for an hour, throw javelins, shoot guns, fire arrows, lift ridiculous weights, play team sports that often elevate contact to a dangerous level, hurl themselves down mountains on wooden planks, and run straight at a gymnastic apparatus that more than one have barreled straight into--and if they actually manage to make the vault, hurl themselves through the air twisting and turning like virtually no humans can, and attempting to defy the laws of physics by landing square on their feet without hopping for balance? Safety....riiiiiiiight.
These are my suggestions for an improved, more modern, more watchable, and far more fun Olympics. Feel free to add your own. And remember: there are no sacred cows. Unless, of course, you're a Hindu. But that's another discussion....
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