Asking Her Father Before Proposing

[guywithashovel]

This topic was briefly mentioned in the thread about the program where girls pledge their virginity to their fathers.

http://www.fratching.com/showthread.php?t=45

(just in case some users haven't seen that thread, yet)

So, if a guy wants to marry his girlfriend, do you think he should ask the girl's father for his "permission" or "blessing" (or whatever you wish to call it)? When this topic came up in the aforementioned thread, a few of the female users said that they wouldn't marry a guy if they found out he'd asked their fathers prior to proposing to them.

Thoughts?

[anriana]

To reiterate what I said in that thread:

I would break up with a person who asked my father about marrying me. I don't think that every woman has an obligation to do this, but for me that would show such a lack of basic understanding of my political and social views that it would indicate the other person didn't know me well enough, and doesn't share my values well enough, to be asking for my hand.

I find the tradition (in Western culture) a gross holdover from a patriarchal time that I want nothing to do with.

[tabbyblack13]

I agree with anriana. If my significant other did this then he doesn't understand me at all. It would more then likely end the relationship.

[Wingates_Hellsing]

I might ask him what he thought of it, but his answer would mean nothing to me.

To clarify, I'd ask because I'd genuinely want to know... but assuming this is the one for me, to hell with the father who tells me 'no'.

[guywithashovel]

I've actually spent some time thinking about how I would handle this situation myself. At this point in time, if there was any "asking of the parents," then I think I would like for both me and the girl to approach them and talk about it. And it would involve both of the parents, too.

I wouldn't just approach the dad all by myself and ask for her hand. To me, that just seems a little too much like asking him if I could borrow his lawnmower (or some other item).

That is, of course, if there's any consultation with them at all. It will depend on what her parents are like, what she is like, etc. If the bride's parents will be paying for the wedding, then I think it's a nice gesture to consult with them first. However, I really wouldn't want them paying for a wedding, or paying a whole lot of money for one, at the very least.

[AFPheonix]

It's really dependent on the couple and the parents. For some, it may be a sweet way for the son-in-law to be to get in like flynn with the future in-laws.

In our case, since Dad was pretty advanced with senile dementia and mom was very much against the union since he wasn't a christian, it would have been more of a pain in the ass if he had. I don't think I'd necessarily see it as a personal insult, because I know my husband doesn't see me as chattel to be bartered from my parents.

[Akasa]

I grew up in southern culture where this is the norm. It's seen as a sign of respect, but it can really backfire on you if say he says no.

[Greenday]

I kinda think the whole asking of permission thing is ridiculous and a slap in the face to the woman (or man, should a woman ever be the one to ask a guy to marry him) being proposed to. It says that the parent is much more important than the significant other. Asking the father's opinion, maybe. But I'd never ask for permission. If I had a girlfriend and I wanted to marry her, the only person whose permission I need is hers.

[Boozy]

I grew up in southern culture where this is the norm. It's seen as a sign of respect, but it can really backfire on you if say he says no.

If it's done at all, it should be seen as a courtesy more than asking for actual permission. So what if he says no? Fathers don't own their daughters.

I was a legal adult when I got married. I'm pleased that my dad likes my husband, but he couldn't have stopped the marriage if he didn't.

[Cats]

My brother asked my SIL's father for his permission before proposing. Bro's kind of a traditionalist like that, plus she IS a daddy's girl (she's 2nd only to Jesus in her dad's book), so I can understand it to that extent.

As a blessing sort of thing rather that outright permission, I think it's alright. I mean, joining families is a big deal. I think it's a sign of respect to say "hey, I want to marry your daughter and combine our families, are you okay with that?" They are going to be involved, so might as well all be on the same page to try to avoid potential hostility later. However, I think it should be addressed to BOTH the woman's parents, not JUST her father; especially if they are paying a decent chunk for the wedding.

[anriana]

My brother asked my SIL's father for his permission before proposing. Bro's kind of a traditionalist like that, plus she IS a daddy's girl (she's 2nd only to Jesus in her dad's book), so I can understand it to that extent.

As a blessing sort of thing rather that outright permission, I think it's alright. I mean, joining families is a big deal. I think it's a sign of respect to say "hey, I want to marry your daughter and combine our families, are you okay with that?" They are going to be involved, so might as well all be on the same page to try to avoid potential hostility later. However, I think it should be addressed to BOTH the woman's parents, not JUST her father; especially if they are paying a decent chunk for the wedding.

Why just the woman's family?

[katie kaboom]

Why just the woman's family?

I think they just mean just the woman's family because the bride's family traditionally pays for the wedding. Asking the guy's parents for permission/a blessing (which are two very different things in my mind), I guess doesn't seem as necessary, because traditionally the bride's parents put more money into the wedding than the groom's parents do. Although I still think it's silly to even consider asking anyone for permission in this day and age, especially with so many couples paying for their wedding themselves these days.

I'm guessing when this whole "get the father's permission first" thing was done, it was pretty much unheard of for the couple to pay for their own wedding.

[AdminAssistant]

I grew up in southern culture where this is the norm. It's seen as a sign of respect, but it can really backfire on you if say he says no.

Exactly. I mean...I'm not my father's property, and generally he tells me to do whatever I darn well please. But, should I ever find the one, things will go a hell of a lot smoother if he calls my parents and says, "Hey, I want to marry your daughter, are you cool with that?" Not that it really matters...but, it's a little thing to do to appease my more old-fashioned parents.

[Slytovhand]

Perhaps interestingly enough, I'm with Anriana and Tabby on this (to an extent).

Should I find someone with whom I'd be inclined to marry (bwahahahahahaha), then I'd expect her to have that strong sense of independance so that I ask her first... parents, if you're lucky, we'll care about your blessing.

I don't think parents should be coughing up for the wedding (although, 'helping out' if they want to and can afford it, and the couple could really do with it - cool!).

As for the tradition of who pays - to me that's just as old and outdated as asking for her father's permission. I don't believe in slavery (well, other than all of humanity when I take over the world, of course ), and needing to get her dad's permission just reeks of that (to me!!!)


(but, please bear in mind, I don't have a good relationship with my family, so it would make sense that I have that sort of attitude... oh, not the take over the world bit, the asking the father bit).

To meld a couple of threads - what about gay unions? Who asks whom?? And who pays for what? (of course, that'd mean tradition is thrown right out the door!)

[IDrinkaRum]

I must be backwards (), but I told my husband that I would never say yes to his proposal if he didn't discuss/ask for a blessing from my father first. I was dead serious.

It's a sign of respect not only to the future in-laws, but for me, a sign of respect for me also. My future husband loves me so much he wants to let my parents know his intentions towards me.

I literally had to force my husband to do it. (He didn't want to as he thought it was antiqutated, but then again, he thinks any celebration of anything is just an "excuse" to go out and buy crap).

I sent him downstairs to watch some sport with my dad on tv. I checked on them, took hubs aside and said told him to do it soon.

He did it shortly after I left.

(BTW, both of my sister's husbands did the same thing - one was from the South and one was from the midwest, so I don't think it's just a "southern" thing).