Asking Her Father Before Proposing

[blas87]

I don't think I need to worry about that. I tend to scare most of them away well before even a year goes by.

[Slytovhand]

I don't think I need to worry about that. I tend to scare most of them away well before even a year goes by.

A year??? You go out with people for up to a year?? And by 'year', you do mean 'at all' - don't you??? wow! I'd love to do that!

[blas87]

Dear, I said before a year.

I have never made it one year with a guy. In all reality, they tend to run for the hills way before 6 months most of the time, or they show some real ugly true colors before then and I have to get rid of them.

This one has been sticking around for 7. I really wonder if there's something wrong with him.

[Boozy]

It's a sign of respect not only to the future in-laws, but for me, a sign of respect for me also. My future husband loves me so much he wants to let my parents know his intentions towards me.

If that's how you want to do things, I will certainly not argue with that. It's your life and your relationships, so you should do whatever makes you happy.

But I'm afraid I don't understand it, either. Why do you feel that forcing your husband to involve your parents in your relationship decisions a sign of respect for you?

[Sylvia727]

Fortunately, I don't have a father. So my fiance would either be asking my mother or my mother's brother. Asking a mother would have a whole different set of connotations. It would be a lot less like borrowing a lawnmower, since the person giving permission would be a lawnmower herself. Asking my mother's brother? Well, maybe...he's really old-fashioned, and he does consider himself my substitute dad. Personally, it would really depend on context to me. Asking my parents for permission to deflower me? Hell no. A sort of formal cultural ritual, more to keep them updated than to get a go-ahead? Sure.

What I suspect will happen is that both myself and my fiance will sit down with my mom and let her know we're getting married, and then sit down with his parents (or vice versa). It's an important decision, and my mom's an important part of my life. She deserves to know, and if the cultural trappings satisfy some etiquette for her then hey, why not. But she doesn't have the right to refuse, so I would never give her that opportunity.

Personally, I had already decided that in my wedding, when my mom goes to give away the bride, that my fiance's parent or significant mentor figure would be standing next to him, and the parents would place the fiances' hands in each other's, to symbolize that the two of them are starting a new family with the approval of their old families.

[AdminAssistant]

That sounds really nice, Sylvia...I like it!

[katie kaboom]

That sounds really nice, Sylvia...I like it!

I agree. I thought it was very touching.

I need a crying smiley icon now.

[IDrinkaRum]

If that's how you want to do things, I will certainly not argue with that. It's your life and your relationships, so you should do whatever makes you happy.

But I'm afraid I don't understand it, either. Why do you feel that forcing your husband to involve your parents in your relationship decisions a sign of respect for you?

I wouldn't have had him if he hadn't told my dad.

Before hubs, the most important man in my life was my dad.

My dad and I are very much alike. (Except for politics, believe it or not). I didn't think it was my place to let my dad know that Mr. Rum wanted to propose to me. I wanted Mr. Rum to say something along those lines to my dad.

My dad, any dad (if there is a dad in the picture), should have that respect. Should have a man say, ,"I love your daughter. These are my intentions towards her. I'd like your blessing, but it not, we're still doing this. I just wanted to let you know."

I don't know ... I'm probably weird. But for me, it was and still is, important.

[Greenday]

My dad, any dad (if there is a dad in the picture), should have that respect. Should have a man say, ,"I love your daughter. These are my intentions towards her. I'd like your blessing, but it not, we're still doing this. I just wanted to let you know."

That's kinda different from asking for permission though.

[boringscreenname]

I have no relationship with my biological father or my step father, so it wouldn't have even crossed my husband's mind to ask either one of them for "permission" before marrying me. He already knew the background and understood our lack of a relationship.

[anriana]

I wouldn't have had him if he hadn't told my dad.

Before hubs, the most important man in my life was my dad.

My dad and I are very much alike. (Except for politics, believe it or not). I didn't think it was my place to let my dad know that Mr. Rum wanted to propose to me. I wanted Mr. Rum to say something along those lines to my dad.
My dad, any dad (if there is a dad in the picture), should have that respect. Should have a man say, ,"I love your daughter. These are my intentions towards her. I'd like your blessing, but it not, we're still doing this. I just wanted to let you know."

I don't know ... I'm probably weird. But for me, it was and still is, important.

But what should that respect only be given to the bride's father? Why not the mother as well?

If you planned on accepting the proposal, why would it not be your place to talk to your father about it? Getting engaged isn't something a man does to a woman, it's something a couple does together.

[blas87]

I don't think it's very "fortunate" that you don't have a father, but hey, that's just me.

Personally, like I said, I really don't think I need to worry about this kind of situation, because I don't believe there is a Mr. Right out there....but I have met Mr. Cheap, Mr. Arrogant, Mr. Insecure, Mr. Elitist, Mr. Jackass..........

On a different note, I am just so glad we are beyond the days of arranged marriages and the world coming to an end if the parents didn't like the significant other. I shudder to think of who my parents would try to hook me up with.

[Wingates_Hellsing]

Asking permission is archaic and wholly negative. But we mustn't throw ourselves too far to the other extreme and totally alienate our parents simply because we dislike the old ways of life-long parental influence.

If there's one thing that I believe 100% it's that extremes are only ever a choice between an evil and a lesser evil.

As a society we should pursue our decisions out of a desire to perpetuate the ideal, and not out of a desire to counteract the past.

I just thought that may be relevant.

[MystyGlyttyr]

It's a tradition no more dumb than any other wedding tradition, of which a great many are quite stupid. For that matter, we should be complaining about the father of the bride "giving away" the bride during the wedding, or the presence of bridesmaids and groomsmen, or jumping a broom or crushing a cup. The whole thing is just a bunch of accumulated superstitions sewn together over thousands of years that don't mean anything anymore unless people attribute meaning to them.

If some guy who wants to marry me asks my dad for permission, whatever. My dad would know better than to say no (at least to say it seriously, he does have an odd sense of humor) because he knows I'd kick his ass for being rude and then marry the guy anyway. And if the guy doesn't ask, whatever. He's still going to be coming over for dinner and we'll be telling the parents either way.

It's just some little diddle to do to make people who believe in that sort of thing happy and it doesn't actually mean anything unless you make it mean something. Only an asshole would try to seriously deny his daughter marrying some guy by saying no, and only a doormat would seriously allow that no to mean anything other than that you have an asshole father.

Edit: Don't take this the wrong way, I have nothing against a wedding or however you want to celebrate it. If the traditions mean something to you, then cool. But they're still just traditions that don't necessarily HAVE to mean anything.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Nobody honestly thinks a dad owns his adult daughter. It's a show of respect, and a nod to tradition, that's all. It is a good way to show the inlaws that the potential husband has good intentions and to win brownie points.

If the woman has a poor relationship with the dad, I could see where this would be innappropriate, but breaking up with a man because he had the audacity to respect your parents makes no sense and to me, shows a lack of maturity.

Regardless of what you think, your fiance will be marrying your entire family. It would make both your lives a lot smoother if you start out in a respectful manner.