Women homemakers

[MaggieTheCat]

So, I didn't think this was really appropriate discussion material over at CS, so I thought I'd check Fratching out...

I'm curious what everyone thinks of women who don't work, and let their husbands/boyfriends/significant others support them (financially), while they stay home and take care of stuff like dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. I'm mostly talking about women who ELECT to do this, not women who are forced/pressured into doing it by their SOs or parents or whatever.

Also, do you think there's a difference if the couple has children? My mom had three kids (including me) and after my oldest brother was born, she quit her job at the bank and stayed home as a full-time mom. She had her plate full as she did everything around the (very large, 3 story 4 bedroom 2 bathroom) house, usually cooked homemade meals 5-6 days a week, did everyone's laundry, etc. Do you think that having kids "justifies" a woman staying home more than a woman without kids, and that women who don't have kids -- and don't have as much work to do as they would if they did have kids -- should be doing something else like working part-time or something?

[kiwi]

I think an adult couple who can support themselves should be able to live their life as they see fit without judgement or interference.

[DesignFox]

I think that is between the couple decide. If one person makes enough money for two and doesn't mind the other staying home- great for them!

I prefer to feel like I'm a partner. So I would either work for my own expenses or take care of the household responsibilities (which, especially if you're a parent, can be a full time job in and of itself).

I wouldn't see it as "fair" if my partner worked all the time and I sat around on my duff or just did fun stuff all the time.

But hey, every couple operates differently.

Can't say I'm not sometimes jealous of some of these women who seem to do nothing but shop, get their nails and hair done and plodz around all day doing god knows what- but I think I'd be ultimately miserable thinking I owed it all to someone else. I'd love if I could do nothing but ride horses and goof around, but...ya know. There's a big part of me that wants to "earn my keep" one way or another.

[IDrinkaRum]

I'm a woman homemaker.

I do the cleaning, the cooking, the raising of the child, etc.

We decided that I'd be a stay-at-home mom before we even got married.

I like it. I hate cleaning, but who really likes to do it? Huh? (Especially the toilet).

Anyway, I grew up with a mom who was a homemaker. She kept everything in a more neat and tidy fashion than I do. She's very regimented. I, on the other hand, am the more "Let's see what happens today and if I feel like vacuuming, I'll do it or if not, I'll save it for another day" type of person. Yeah ... not the greatest for someone who looks after the house, small pets and children. But my house hasn't fallen down upon itself, my 2 pets are well-cared-for cats and my child has NOT () been run over, kidnapped, attacked by aliens, etc. so I must be doing something right.

[Peppergirl]

I have worked full time since I was out of school and my kids are now almost grown.

I didn't work out of necessity, but rather when I was in my 20s, my priorities were messed up. My then husband could have supported us just fine on his salary...it just would have taken a bit of budgeting. Unfortunately, at the time material things were more important to me than staying home and raising my kids.

I regret the hell out of it now. Hindsight is 20/20 (that's twice I've said that today - lol).

I think it's ultimately up to each couple to decide what they're comfortable with, both with AND without children.

[Boozy]

I know one particular couple, who both have jobs, and have children as well. I know them well enough to know what they earn (their salaries are about the same) and what they buy.

If they stopped eating out so much, sold one of their vehicles, and maybe made a few more wise budgeting choices, one of them could probably quit their job and stay home with the kids. Then they'd also save a whack of money on daycare.

Now, I'm not saying they should do this. I think kids do just fine with parents who work; my parents both had jobs, and all four of their children are well-adjusted and happy adults. If working makes for a happy parent, then that makes for a happy household, as a general rule.

But they don't seem very happy to me. I have no patience for their cries of "OMG! We are so busy! We can't do it all! We have to eat out, because we don't have time to cook! And we need a second car, so the other can get to work...at the job that pays for the second car..." It's so silly. One of their salaries basically goes to paying for expenses (daycare, second vehicle, restaurant meals) that they wouldn't have if one of them quit their jobs.

I keep waiting for them to figure this one out.

In their case, their salaries being about equal, it wouldn't matter which one kept their job and which one stayed home. In fact, in their case I would think the dad would quit first, since he hates his job and the mom likes hers. Which is perhaps what is keeping them from making that decision. There is such a stigma against stay-at-home dads.

In most cases where one stays home, the woman doesn't work because the man's salary is big enough to support the two (or more) of them. The vast majority of women still don't make enough in our society to support a family. Until that changes, we aren't going to see many changes on the homefront either. There are usually very practical, non-sexist reasons why many women stay home with the kids.

As far as a woman staying home even if she doesn't have kids: That's none of my business, as long as they aren't on the dole. But I will say one thing... homemaking isn't much of a "job" if you don't have kids. Cooking and cleaning for two adults isn't that difficult today with all the technological advances we have. This isn't the 1800's. I did it for six months and nearly shot myself for the boredom. If it hadn't been for some volunteer work I took on, I'd have done it for sure.

[guywithashovel]

If there are no kids in the picture, then I think both people should be working, preferably full time (though sometimes full time jobs are hard to find, like now).

But if the couple does have kids, then it's probably best if one of the partners can stay home, or at least reduce the work schedule to part time. Granted, this isn't always possible. And often kids can benefit from having both parents working and being on their own more often.

[thelong1]

Then they'd also save a whack of money on daycare.

I have some very good friends who had a baby and this is the exact reason why my good friends wife decided to stay home. They were actually spending way more on day care than she was earning in her part time job so it didn't make sense financially for her to continue working. Now she absolutely loves being a stay at home mom.

Like most people here I think its just about what makes sense for that individual couple. If it works and everyone is happy then it is really whats best for them.

[AdminAssistant]

This is tough for me...hm.

Mom stayed at home with us until I (the youngest) went to school, then she got a job at the school, first as a sub, then as an aide, and then as the computer lab manager. Same school district, different elementary school. On one hand, it was great having Mom home all the time. On the other hand, she lived for us. Everything in her life revolved around US. And now that we are both grown and moved...she doesn't have anything and she's had a very hard time adjusting. Not to mention how judgemental she is about my sister working while trying to raise a family.

That's why I don't think I could have kids...I'm too selfish. I wouldn't want to give up everything I've worked so hard for (getting my Ph.D.) to be a mommy. Well, that and the fact that it would be really hard to get a job.

[blas87]

Whatever suits whomever, I say.

However, I hate when girls my age who are already playing stay-at-home mommy try to tell me "Oooh, it's so rewarding to have a baby and stay at home and take care of the baby and cook and clean for your husband!" and then look at me like I'm Frankenstein when I roll my eyes at them.

Me, clean up after a child, or even worse, a man? As if. I will never clean up after a man.

Maybe that's why I'll probably be single the rest of my life. I want a career. I'd love to have someone to share my life with, but I'll be damned if I'm staying in the house playing Susie Homemaker and taking care of the kid and cleaning up after my husband and never having a moment out of the house to myself and only myself.

[daleduke17]

My thought is: who cares what someone else does?

Right now my wife and I are both working. If I get the job I want to go for, she'll probably cut her hours after a couple months as she wouldn't need to work as much since I'd have a better paying job.

[Giggle Goose]

There are advantages to both. How people support their family IS nobody else's business, but sometimes it can be hard not to judge. For example, my uncle just divorced his wife, who was a SAHM and did nothing but sit around, smoke, and complain that he didn't make enough money. They only have ONE daughter (my cousin who is now in high school), and last year she said she had to quit soccer because she didn't feel like driving her to practice. WTF???!!! So glad that bitch is out of our lives. But she's still getting his money via alimony

If you can afford to do it, great. Daycare is VERY expensive and sometimes it makes more sense. But I'll always be very biased because I was raised by a single mom who is forever my hero. She had the balls to leave my dad because she was tired of his crap. If I ever have children, I would want to work to be as good a role model as my mom was to me. I now know I will NEVER depend on a man. But that's just me, so please don't flame.

[AdminAssistant]

I'm right with you, GG. Mom never felt like she could leave Dad and has always harped on us (Big Sis and myself) to be independent, strong women. Look, everyone has the right to do what they want to do, but I can't wrap my mind around a woman whose life goal is to only be a wife to a husband and a mother to a child. What about YOU? Daycare is expensive, but Monster (my nephew) has done very well with it and will transition very smoothly from daycare to pre-K (in the fall) and then on to Kindergarten next year. And since both parents work..sometimes Sis has to work and Monster gets to spend really good quality time with his Dad, which is sometimes lacking in SAH situations...certainly was in our case with our Dad.

This reminds me of a male friend I have who hasn't bothered learning how to clean, cook, or iron, "because when I get married my wife will do that for me." I yelled at him for a good 30 minutes over that one.

[Boozy]

Look, everyone has the right to do what they want to do, but I can't wrap my mind around a woman whose life goal is to only be a wife to a husband and a mother to a child.

Frankly, I can't wrap my mind around people whose life goal is to only be an employee to their boss.

I think you're assuming that all stay-at-home moms and housewives do nothing but change diapers and shop for groceries, and that is the whole of their existence. Obviously, that's not true. Just as it's not true that the whole of a working husband's existence is his job.

The notion that women must find outside employment to be validated as a "strong, independant" woman is a step backwards. Honestly, I think it's a symptom of our culture's preoccupation with the size of our paycheques and the number of material goods we can afford.

[anriana]

Frankly, I can't wrap my mind around people whose life goal is to only be an employee to their boss.

I think you're assuming that all stay-at-home moms and housewives do nothing but change diapers and shop for groceries, and that is the whole of their existence. Obviously, that's not true. Just as it's not true that the whole of a working husband's existence is his job.

Someone who says "my life goal is to be a stay at home mother" is the type of person who would focus on the june cleaver wife/mother aspect of it.

The notion that women must find outside employment to be validated as a "strong, independant" woman is a step backwards. Honestly, I think it's a symptom of our culture's preoccupation with the size of our paycheques and the number of material goods we can afford.

One has to have a paycheck in order to be independent, unless they are independently wealthy. Stay at home mothers or fathers may be strong, but they are not independent unless they are heirs or trust funders or live on a farm.


Just as a personal example, I don't spend my paycheck on material goods - it goes to expenses, education, and savings - but if I were to quit my job I would need to either be dependent on my partner or my parents. I can't think of a way I could be independent and not work, and I think most modern people regardless of their consumer whoreism are in the same boat.