Sometimes, you just have to face the fact that your loved one is an asshole.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Mods, I didn't know where to put this, so move it if needed, please.

So I have this Great Aunt Martha. Yeah, that's her real name. She's very old and I assure you not online. Not only that, but there is not a single person in my family who might see this who would not agree with it: Aunt Martha is an asshole.

Seriously. She gets along with no one. If she has a single friend, it remains to be seen by any of us. Because she's an asshole.

I have a huge family. Both my maternal grandparents were from families of ten kids. The other side of the family is all Catholic. I got cousins I don't even know.

So there are all these little "clans" within my family, each from a different matriarch or patriarch, and each with it's own particular personality. My cousins, who are headed up by Aunt Martha's long-suffering and eternally patient sister in law, are in the most contact with the old biddy. And every time I see them, they are complaining about what a horrible, bitter, angry old twat Aunt Martha is.

It took me very little time upon meeting her to discern that Aunt Martha is simply a garden variety asshole. Expecting her to not be an asshole is a fool's errand. I can't figure out why everyone's so shocked when they come away from an encounter with her all up worked up and upset. She's an asshole, of course she's going to piss you off, you know? It's what she does. It's all she does.

I mean, my own "clan" gets this. My dad was all like, "Oh, yeah, I knew Aunt Martha was an asshole five minutes after meeting her. Her brother was an asshole, too. The asshole streak in that family branch is a dominant gene."

We get it. Aunt Martha leaves house, Aunt Martha acts like an asshole. We get it. We are not shocked or suprised. It's consistent behavior. The world is running in its course and God is in His Heaven. And Aunt Martha is an asshole. Check.

Last time my cousin who I grew up with went out with her grandmother (the long suffering sister in law), my other aunt (Aunt Martha's sister), and Aunt Martha, she ended up drinking like a freaking fish just to cope with all the rampant assholery going on around her. And I heard all about it today, as I always do when I hang out with the cousin's clan.

What I don't get is why don't they get that Aunt Martha is an asshole?

Well, that, and why they keep trying to please her. I don't get that, either. They try and help her, because she's old now. (I am pretty sure that when she was young, she was a young asshole. It's not a new trend. ) I can't figure out why they care what she thinks? They've moved her like three or four times and she's never happy. Why do they give a flying fuck at a rolling donut what the nasty old bitch thinks?

I really do not get it.

[MaggieTheCat]

I know exactly what you mean. My grandparents are pretty much the same way. Both of them are assholes in their own respect. My grandfather is an extreme religious fanatic who will go around telling complete strangers that they're going to hell if they don't belong to the same church as him, meanwhile shoving pictures of his daughter's (my aunt's) wolves (yes, she has pet wolves) in people's faces and demanding that they praise how wonderful they are. My grandmother was a drunk most of her life and hates everything my grandfather does, so she will complain about pretty much every word he says or action he performs. She also cannot be happy to save her life; you could give her a million dollars, a lifetime's worth of free food, and free rent for the place she's living in, and she would still complain that they don't have enough money and that everything is too expensive and that she can never be happy because she's always worried or bitching about something.

And yet, my parents are the same as your relatives: They try and try and try to make my grandparents happy, and get upset when things backfire, which they always do.

I'm just glad I'm in Texas now, far far away from ALL of them.

[protege]

Oh, the things I could post in this thread! Seriously, there are a few who stand out

Uncle Dick. He got his nickname because of his sparkling personality There are so many instances of him being a dick over the years, it's not even funny...

The main one being when Grandma was in the hospital after her auto accident. He would show up at random days, and try to push people around. Namely, my mother...who got stuck dealing with all that crap. At the end of the day, Dick would drive the 3 hours home, leaving my mother to take care of things. My mother, who was already tired as hell from work.

Not long after Grandma was in the hospital, Dick said (and did) some things he shouldn't have. Strike one came when the asshole who *caused* the accident showed up at the hospital apparently to bug Grandma, and Dick, being the "good Christian" (his words, so don't slam me, OK?) let him in. As if that wasn't enough...they then went over to where my cousin (who was in the car with Grandma), to pester him as well. That pissed off most of the family--my father said that if he would have been there...they "would have been mopping blood off the fucking ceiling." Dad is usually civil towards Dick, but really can't stand him.

About a week later, I was at lunch with Dick and my aunt (Grandma's 10-year-younger sister), chatting about the accident and possible outcomes. My aunt said something that she hoped the guy got punished severely. No sooner did that get said, when Dick went on about "being a good Christian, I don't want to see him punished harshly." After hearing that, my aunt promptly ripped into him. I kept quiet, but the rage was building--it took all I had not to jump over the table and pummel the fuck out of him. I was so pissed--there are literally claw marks in the table

But, the hypocrisy has also pissed off quite a few people. Er, what? Basically, several of Dick's kids are pretty fucked up. For example, his son usually isn't mentioned favorably--he's usually referred to as a "fuckup." Why? Well he was tossed out of college after not even a semester. Seems he was on academic probation at school...and had several run-ins with the cops. While that was going on, he bounced around from job to job, later married a woman 20 years older than him, only to walk out on her and the kids. His younger sister got pregnant out of wedlock, had the kid, and now is having trouble making ends meet. Another sister...moved in with her boyfriend and works at Sears. The last sister seems to be the only one with her head on straight--she's going to college, and doesn't seem to be repeating their mistakes.

...and now for the hypocrisy. Dick tends to ignore all that crap, but is *constantly* criticizing others. Not long ago, he actually said that "you shouldn't believe anything that [my brother] says, since he has had problems in the past." Yes, my brother does lie sometimes. He's not perfect. But, had I been there, I probably would have ripped into my uncle. He doesn't have the right to criticize *anyone's* children.

About that time, he became "born again." Now, I have no problem with religious folks. If that's what you believe, fine. However, I do have a problem with people who choose to be assholes about it. Yep, that would be Dick.

How so? Well, if I have to hear how "great" his church's junk store is, or how he and his wife spent all their free time running it, or the "big fire" in their town, and how they gave away things to victims...just one more fucking time...I swear, I'm going to hurl. Helping people out is great. But, helping them out to score brownie points for the afterlife isn't.

Another problem I've noticed, is that when he would visit my grandmother...he wouldn't stay long. He'd drive the 3-4 hours down, have lunch, then turn right around...and drive home. If he did stay, he and his wife would spend the entire weekend reading their bibles, totally ignoring Grandma. WTF?

He's not all bad though--get a few beers in him, and he's actually tolerable. In fact, at my cousin's wedding in 2007, right after his third beer, he came up with this gem: "You know, these things are really addictive!"
=============

Thought I might also post about the other (Dad's) side of the family. I can't really say very much, since I don't know most of them. Growing up, they never got together. That's not to say that there aren't problems...

My grandparents pretty much ignored us. My brothers and I are the only grandchildren they have...yet they acted like they wanted nothing to do with us. Most of their attention seemed to be directed at my dad's younger sister. Grandma would actually complain about how much a phone call cost. She'd never call *us*, but talked to my aunt nearly every day. An aunt who rarely comes home, never calls us, and can't understand why we (that is, my immediate family) don't fawn over her when she does come home.

What pisses me off, is that most of that side of the family is older. When my father, Grandma, and others are gone...we're all that she's going to have left. We're it...and she ignores us

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I think every family's got 'em, it's just that a lot of families don't want to admit that their loved one is an asshole.

It's okay to love assholes, just know them for what they are, you know?

I had an Uncle Dick too, except that WAS his real name. I didn't see him much, but when I did he was fine to me. All my local cousins, however, and uncles and whatnot, have their stories. Evidently, Uncle Dick was, in fact, a dick.

Interestingly, he was the brother of Aunt Martha's dad. So the Asshole Gene was definately there.

[Nyoibo]

You can't choose your family and just because you love someone, doen't mean you have to like them.

[Slytovhand]

Don't have to love them either...

I mean, why does having a genetic tie automatically mean you should have some sort of emotional attachment to them?

If someone is a complete asshole, why would you want to 'love' them?? Are they actually deserving of it???

Not that I've really got those sort of people in my family (well, ok, I wouldn't know - I disconnected from my family years ago), but certainly my grandmother was a racist control-freak... who 'made' my grandfather give up his much loved and adored music.

My father is an ignorant (well, in some respects) racist, sexist and insulting pig.

People are people... whether you're related to them or not (well, actually, in reality, we're all related to each other somewhere... unless life on earth just happens to have some parallel development gone on...)

[Boozy]

Don't have to love them either...


If someone is a complete asshole, why would you want to 'love' them?? Are they actually deserving of it???

You can't always choose to love or not love.

I have had a few friends in my life with the worst parents imaginable. Alcoholic, abusive, negligent. And it wasn't until they allowed themselves to admit that their parents were awful people AND it was okay to love them anyway that they finally broke free of them.

It's important to realize that loving someone doesn't mean you have to get kicked around by them. And it's also important to recognize that it's okay to love someone who treats you terribly....but you may need to love them from afar, where they can't hurt you.

Family bonds are not so easy to break for some people, especially when it's a child/parent relationship. Sometimes the best you can do is say, "My mother is an asshole. I love her, because she's my mom. But she's not in my life anymore, because she's an asshole."

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Well, you're right, I do have a number of relatives that I love very much who I freely acknowledge are idiots, assholes, dickheads, and racists. I know what to expect and am rarely disappointed. These same people are kind, caring, vulnerable, and giving. People are just people, and nobody's perfect. We just do the best we can.

However, Aunt Martha is not one of these. No, the old bitch showed up a couple years ago from across the country when she got too infirm to be on her own anymore. They brought her home so she could be with family, and evidently she did so willingly. I don't know her, really. She's nothing to me. And her behavior has done nothing to make me want to change that. She leaves a trail of angst and unhappiness wherever she goes.

If that's to be her legacy, that is her problem, not mine. I just hate it when people I DO actually give a damn about get all upset by her behavior, as if they expect better or something. Which I suppose they do. Despite all evidence.

[Cat]

Just because you share the same last name and/or blood, does not mean you have to love that person.

I hate my brother. I will never love, nor respect him. For many reason I do not need to go in to. He is a waste, that is all one needs to know.

I have an aunt and uncle I have little respect for. We just, clash personality wise.

Yes, we are family. Yes, I will tolerate you as needs be. That does not mean I love you.

[Flyndaran]

My great grandmother was an asshole that alienated every single generation of her family except one son, my grandfather. He tolerated her as much as humanly possible, but even as a kid I could see the sheer venom beamed at her from his eyes.
In the end, she died from years of sympathy gathering self-abuse with no one truly mourning her passing.
There's an interesting statistic that while assholes may live a long time, they rarely make it past 100. Centurians seem to be an easy going nice bunch.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I would argue that it only seems that they live a long time.

[Talon]

Centurians seem to be an easy going nice bunch.

I imagine they're a lot more easy going when they aren't being enslaved by humans or skin-jobs. Oh wait...

Even if a-holes do live longer, I doubt they live happier. Or fuller lives. Or even healthier lives. I'm pretty its a medical fact that being angry all the time can affect your health.

Boozy mentioned friends who couldn't break free of their asshole loved ones until they admitted they were assholes, but could still love them. Ironically I think it's the other way around for me. My mother is a preachy manipulative passive-aggressive control freak. At best I tolerate her. But she is also pretty much the sole breadwinner in the house, and she deserves credit for that. Credit I can give. Unfortunately by her somewhat twisted mind, she sees my thanking her for financially supporting me as equivalent to a declaration of love. Sorry, but there's a difference between love and need. As long as I'm stuck under her roof, I just don't think I'm emotionally equipped to love her. Maybe I will be once I'm out on my own, but given this crappy economy, that might be a while

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I used to think once I got out of my parents house, I'd never even want to see them again. It was that bad.

Once I moved out, things changed. They are now amazing friends to me and I don't know what I'd do without them

Living with people is hard. It's a different dynamic. Plus, I think most people gain wisdom and mellow out as they age.

Once you prove yourself as an adult, some parents start respecting you as such and stop seeing you as a dependant child.

[protege]

RK, I went through something similar. Things changed after I moved out. Mainly...because I didn't have to deal with all the bullshit at my mother's house. No more screaming, no more getting yelled at when closing the bedroom door to *avoid* my parents screaming, No more getting yelled at if the radio (which is so soft I can't hear it) is "too loud" at night, etc. Trust me, being able to turn on the A/C in summer is awesome

But, speaking of assholes...I thought I should mention my brother here. This tool has been out of work nearly 2 years. He's 30 and lives with my parents. Anyway, I don't even think he's looking for a job, and if he is...he's not doing well. From what I understand, he's had interviews, but has turned down jobs because they either "don't pay enough," or would require him to move (and lose my parents' coddling).

He seems to think that because he's not being charged much rent...that he can treat our parents like shit. They aren't perfect, but that's no reason to be rude to them.

Lately though, he's been rude to me. He won't even talk to me--if I'm over there, he hides upstairs. He always had the attitude of "I'm better than you," and losing his job took him down several notches. Guess he's resentful because I've made something of myself. Never mind that I refuse to sit on my ass But, he's upset because I have the house, the cars, etc.

[Talon]

Once you prove yourself as an adult, some parents start respecting you as such and stop seeing you as a dependant child.

Somehow I doubt it will turn out that way between my mom and I. If your parents truly did mellow out, at some point they must have acknowledged that home life was hell, and that you did the right thing by moving out.

My brother and mom were constantly at each other's throats back when we were all under the same roof, until he got sick of it and moved out. That was 10 years ago, to this day she still tries to convince him to move back in. That by itself I wouldn't have a problem with, except for two things. One: she's in complete denial about what life was like back then. One time he pointed that out, she blustered it as "all in his mind", and then hid behind pseudo-religious bullshit. Two: the means by which she tries to convince him are utterly sleazy manipulative bullshit. She tells him his friends aren't really friends. He "betrayed" the family. Why on earth would anyone want to return to that?

Incidentally Brother did move back in for one summer, and it was deja vu all over again. Absolutely nothing changed. I doubt I'm in for a smooth ride with her after I leave.

From what I understand, he's had interviews, but has turned down jobs because they either "don't pay enough," or would require him to move (and lose my parents' coddling).

Please tell me that this isn't a recent thing, as in not after the economic meltdown? I've had about a dozen fruitless interviews this summer. I would KILL for the opportunity to be employable enough to pick & choose.

Oh and parental coddling? I think my mom has been financially coddling me in the hopes that I'll find moving out less attractive. I would be a fool to refuse her aid, but at the same time I won't spend a penny beyond what is required. She doesn't like that. I think she actually wants me to waste her money on living the good life, so that I'm further in debt to her. Sorry, not happening. Money can't buy self-respect, or the respect of others.

Lately though, he's been rude to me. He won't even talk to me--if I'm over there, he hides upstairs. He always had the attitude of "I'm better than you," and losing his job took him down several notches. Guess he's resentful because I've made something of myself. Never mind that I refuse to sit on my ass But, he's upset because I have the house, the cars, etc.

Awww poor widdle baby. Would he like some pwnage with his crow?