Train miracle baby

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Okay, good point. I am scatterbrained. The inside of my head is like the New York Stock Exchange. Blocking out internal and external distractions for me is exhausting.

So shopping with my daughter is a bit of a trial for me.

Not because my daughter is difficult. She's actually very good. It's just that I am so hyperfocused on her when I'm out that I cannot concentrate on anything else. I often have to say, "Okay, please just sit quitely for a minute, Mom has to think about something."

That is one reason I am so fearful. Because I know the extent of my problem. I cannot split my attention effectively.

Okay. So, Violetyoshi, you asked how hard is it to keep an eye on your kids. Maybe you should tell us, since you seem to be the expert here. Because as far as I'm concerned, the answer to that is "pretty hard."

[Kalli]

I guess being responsible for another life, isn't such a big deal these days.

Are you f(*@#ng kidding me?

That's just a downright ignorant thing to say. Do you think this mother takes what happened lightly? Please, point to me where she said "It's no big deal". What on earth makes you think that ANYONE thinks being responsible for another life is no big deal?

[Flyndaran]

The purpose of society, in my opinion, has always been to help individuals when they screw up.
We all are morons every now and then.

So many parents today do such horrible things that I would think that momentary fuck-ups would be beneath scrutiny.

[violetyoshi]

So, Violetyoshi, you ever fuck up? Ever make some kind of mistake you later regretted? Ever have a brain fart or a physically clumsy moment? Have you ever failed at something, even for a moment, and then later beat yourself up over it? Ever made a bad judgement call?

Have you ever been wrong?


I don't mean if you ever fumbled your television remote control or missed something playing a computer game. I mean in real life. Ever do that?


I am bracing myself for what will surely be an extremely eloquent silence.

I didn't put another person's life at risk, if that's what you're getting at.

Okay, good point. I am scatterbrained. The inside of my head is like the New York Stock Exchange. Blocking out internal and external distractions for me is exhausting.

So shopping with my daughter is a bit of a trial for me.

Not because my daughter is difficult. She's actually very good. It's just that I am so hyperfocused on her when I'm out that I cannot concentrate on anything else. I often have to say, "Okay, please just sit quitely for a minute, Mom has to think about something."

That is one reason I am so fearful. Because I know the extent of my problem. I cannot split my attention effectively.

Okay. So, Violetyoshi, you asked how hard is it to keep an eye on your kids. Maybe you should tell us, since you seem to be the expert here. Because as far as I'm concerned, the answer to that is "pretty hard."

Alright, they make bracelets with a plastic cord between them, you put one on your child's wrist and one on your own wrist. Your child then physically cannot leave your side.

I'm sorry you all think I'm being harsh. Also, that you believe I've been asking people to "walk on eggshells" because I have Asperger's Syndrome.

I understand now how difficult it is, perhaps I'm too much of a realist and not having enough understanding of emotion. Some people consider this as a lack of empathy when it comes to people with Asperger's Syndrome, while we are simply saying "Here's a solution to the problem, why don't you try it?"

I'm sure the mother feels horrible, and I know that you can't change the past. I'm trying to prevent this happening in the future. If you could just put aside your own drama as a parent for 2 seconds, and consider that I'm trying to be helpful. That it upsets me to see such rampant public neglect of children, and maybe it is a "I looked away for a second" situation. In most of the cases I see, it's just ignoring the child.

Now, perhaps I'm more sensitive to this then most people and pick up on it more readily, or I'm not aware of how overwhelming it is to be a mother. I fail to understand why it's so difficult to hold your child's hand while looking at that box. Or, to look up the information for what you want to buy before you go to the store, while your at home where your child is safe.

I do believe the key to being less overwhelmed is planning ahead, and using techniques that may help. Far too many times I see parents outright reject help or advice from anyone who isn't a parent. Sometimes having an outside perspective is a good thing. Trying to see things from the perspective of the big mean man who hit the child, isn't about validating him, it's about understanding that while you spend everyday with a wailing child there are people who don't, and they have a right to be within the same public area you are, without being villanized when they ask you quiet your child.

I don't really know what else to tell you. It seems as with other forums, I guess I should learn to keep my mouth closed about this since nobody is able to process what I say without personalizing it, or displaying their victim complex. If there was better communication between parents, non-parents, without so much drama, there might not be such contention when it comes to people who are troubled by some behaviors of small children.

I honestly, still feel that it's not doing a child any favors by being so overwhelmed that you're ready to snap at a moment's notice. We have Peapod.com, if your child isn't in the mood to visit the market try them. Give your child something to do to keep them occupied, instead of viewing it as an extreme indulgence, try to understand children have minds too and they will beneifit from being able to exercise them. A puzzle book at Osco can't cost that much money.

That's all I have to say.

[Ree]

I don't really know what else to tell you. It seems as with other forums, I guess I should learn to keep my mouth closed about this since nobody is able to process what I say without personalizing it, or displaying their victim complex.

Actually, it's because you have an abrasive and annoying way of presenting your arguments so that they come off as insulting and arrogant, and in a manner that suggests your argument is the ultimate word on the subject.
Then, when someone suggests that perhaps your argument is flawed, or that you have been very condescending and insulting, you manage to make it about you and your problems in communicating, and hint that we are all the ones with the problem, because all is well in your little corner of the world, and you just can't understand why we don't see it.

You aren't even a parent, and yet you have the gall to make the comments that you did.

I only had one child of my own.

I was a caring and conscientious parent.
I held her hand in public. I made sure she was as safe as I could physically manage.
I used safety locks, safety straps, and any other protective measures I could.
You know what?

Twice in her life, I came just this close to losing my daughter.

Once, when I was recovering from surgery, I was sleeping, and had put her down for her nap.

As I said, I had made sure the door was locked, and that the extra lock farther up on the door was in place.

Because of my medication, I didn't hear my daughter get up from her nap.

She decided to take the dog for a walk, so she pushed a chair over to the door and was able to reach the extra lock and open the door.

She was only 3 years old.
How the heck could I ever have planned for the fact that she would be tall enough to reach that extra lock, or that she would think to push the chair over to reach it?

I used care and caution by double latching the door, but she still managed to do something I had not anticipated, and as a result, managed to cross through a field and ended up near the edge of the lake at the boat locks next to us. She was wearing only a light jersey knit sweat suit, and slippers on her feet.
This was in March, so it was still cold and damp, and the fields were wet and muddy.
The dog had bolted from her, and she had run to follow him.

Luckily, people found her before it was too late and brought her back, but I can still see the disapproving look on the woman's face as she lectured me, and assumed I was some neglectful mother.

I still feel sick at the thought of what could have happened.

Even after that, I almost lost her again when I let her go swimming at the pool in the condo complex where my sister lived.
My BIL took the kids over to the pool while we cooked dinner.

There was a lifeguard on duty, and lots of parents around, so my BIL went just outside the door to a bench for a smoke. He could still see the kids.
My daughter got out of the pool to go talk to him, and to this day, we have no idea what happened, and neither does she, but the next thing she knew, her thigh hit the plate glass door, shattering it.
My BIL watched in horror, and grabbed her, but she came within milliseconds of being decapitated. Her body was literally shredded in spots, missing several vital arteries and organs. She was left with severe scarring on her body, but not on her face, and other than the pain and trauma of dealing with the cuts and stitches, she has no other permanent damage from it.

I blamed myself for not being there. I even secretly blamed my BIL for going outside to smoke. I have never really gotten over that accident and still question why it had to happen.

So, yeah, shit happens, no matter how well prepared we are.

How dare you make judgments about maturity of parents and how they raise their children when you have never personally been in that situation yourself.

[DrFaroohk]

This woman clearly just made a mistake. You can even see it on the video. Its not like she left the carriage there and went off to smoke crack. She took her hand off it for like two seconds and it was gone.

The sad thing is, its people like her that social services tends to go after and they leave the serious offenders alone. That makes us parents paranoid that we're gonna get our kids taken away and be charged with sexual abuse and rape because our child got a hangnail. Everyone focuses on the tiny mistakes and leaves the real problem alone.

[guywithashovel]

I'm sorry you all think I'm being harsh. Also, that you believe I've been asking people to "walk on eggshells" because I have Asperger's Syndrome.

I understand now how difficult it is, perhaps I'm too much of a realist and not having enough understanding of emotion. Some people consider this as a lack of empathy when it comes to people with Asperger's Syndrome, while we are simply saying "Here's a solution to the problem, why don't you try it?"

This is not the message I saw when I read this post:

Of course, we have to provide wrist tethers, cause the parents are still children themselves and have yet to master such things like gripping. When are we going to treat parents like the adults they are, instead of the children we allow them to act like?

In short, the point the others and I were trying to make was that accidents happen sometimes even when people are extremely careful. However, you seem to either be ignoring that or missing it, and going on to act like everyone's picking on you. My mom was very careful and protective of me and my sister when we were kids, and even she had a few "uh oh" moments.

Finally, it was me who made the "walk on eggshells" comment, not RecoveringKinkoid. Perhaps I was a little out of line when I dragged that into the conversation, I don't know. However, the reason I did bring it up was to illustrate a point. That point was that you seem to expect everyone to bend over backwards to cater to your Asperger's. You expect people to instantly mute their kids for you when you enter a store, restaurant, etc. (that's what it seems like, anyway). You also seem to get irked if people aren't always giving you the benefit of the doubt the way you think they should.

Yet, it doesn't appear that you want to extent any of these courtesies to other people. If you have trouble with something, people are supposed to say, "Oh, it's okay, sweetie, you have Asperger's." On the other hand, if a conscientious parent looks away for a split second and either something bad happens or their is a close call, then you don't bat an eye before insulting that parent and calling him or her an irresponsible goon. Or, if a parent is doing some grocery shopping and her kid gets fussy, you seem to want to act as though that parent is falling far short in her job as a parent.

Once again, maybe I'm cutting out of line by making these comparisons, but this is honestly a trend I have noticed.

[HYHYBT]

...perhaps I'm too much of a realist...

Precisely the opposite, actually: there's nothing remotely realistic about expecting everyone, or even anyone to be perfect all the time. Not even parents.

...we are simply saying "Here's a solution to the problem, why don't you try it?"

Suggesting a "solution" that consists solely of demanding the obviously impossible is not really offering a solution at all. Sure, she could have not turned loose the carriage at that moment, or whatever, but such things happen to *everyone* occasionally. Thankfully, most of the time nothing comes of it, but it is simply not possible to eliminate every conceivable such moment. This is not limited to parenting, either. It's part of being human.

[violetyoshi]

I don't want people to bend over backwards for me, I simply want what hurts me to be validated. If someone falls and hurts their leg, people ask if they're alright. If someone covers their ear and says "ow!" at a sudden loud sound, not only do they not get understanding or comforted, they're told something is wrong with them.

Everyone would say it's wrong to tell someone who broke their leg to just get over it, well in regards to my hearing sensitivity, that's what I'm told almost every day.

[DesignFox]

<snip>
Everyone would say it's wrong to tell someone who broke their leg to just get over it, well in regards to my hearing sensitivity, that's what I'm told almost every day.

I would tell someone who broke their leg to get over it. It's not that I lack sympathy, but after a certain point, you DO need to get over it.

At first, if I knew someone broke something, hurt something, got sick, etc. I would be sympathetic and understanding. But after a certain point...get over it! Brush yourself off and get on with life. Find ways to deal with your own problems and stop expecting people to bend over backwards.

It's one thing to expect people to be tolerant of you, but it's gotta go both ways.

Unfortunately, in your case, you are in a minority. Unfortunately for you, children by nature are very loud. Children ARE a part of life. There is absolutely nothing you can do to avoid the fact that people have children and will bring them out in public. And that's GOOD. Because children cannot learn to function socially if they are NOT brought out of the house.

So you know what? In your case, it is very unfortunate, but the onus is on YOU. It doesn't give people a free pass to be rude to you. No one is saying that. Again, courtesy goes BOTH ways. But you cannot expect people to muzzle their children, stop living their lives, or lock themselves indoors because they have children. It's not possible, nor is it healthy- for themselves OR for their children.

If loud noises are that much of a bother for you, you should try any of your own suggestions...using Peapod to get groceries, ordering items on-line and having them delivered, etc. Then YOU don't have to leave the house and expose yourself to noise. You could also take some of the suggestions your fellow board members, who are ALSO Aspie/Autistic have kindly provided for you. I don't know the extent of their social anxieties, but quite a few people on here seem to have figured out how to get by in life despite their social differences.

You could also try what I've done. When I don't want to deal with parents/kids, I go out at less kid-friendly hours. Try shopping/eating/seeing movies later at night, while the kids are in school, or going to places that are less family oriented.

Just trying to be helpful here...

[BroomJockey]

Alright, now that that little side-track's run its course, let's pull it back to discussing the OP, which involved parenting and trains, not hearing and broken legs.

[DesignFox]

Alright, now that that little side-track's run its course, let's pull it back to discussing the OP, which involved parenting and trains, not hearing and broken legs.

What you wanna get this de-railed train back on-track?

Sorry.

[Ree]

What you wanna get this de-railed train back on-track?

Yeah, but let's make sure there aren't any "neglectful" mothers with runaway strollers in front of it.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

I didn't put another person's life at risk, if that's what you're getting at.

Nope. Not what I'm getting at. Of course, you did not put a child's life at risk because you are not in a position to do so. We know that. I'm not asking you if you are a dangerously negligent parent. I asked you if you ever made any kind of mistake.

Please answer the question. It's not an essay question. It's a yes or no question.

And while you are at it, please answer this yes or no question: Is there any aspect of your life where you are certain that you are not capable of screwing up or making a mistake?

Don't try to be obtuse here. We all know the answer to both those questions, both about ourselves and about you. Answer the questions.


Also, please square this:

Alright, they make bracelets with a plastic cord between them, you put one on your child's wrist and one on your own wrist. Your child then physically cannot leave your side.

With this:

Of course, we have to provide wrist tethers, cause the parents are still children themselves and have yet to master such things like gripping.

Which is it: a good idea, or the sign of a poor parent? Really unclear on what you are trying to say here. What is your point? Did you really make both of those "points" in the same thread or are just simply fucking with us?

[spookysonata]

I think violetyoshi is just talking in circles at this point.

Really, I think the mom just made a mistake and took her hand off the stroller for the wrong split second. I can't imagine seeing my infant son disappear under the wheels of a train and not wanting to scream myself insane. I think it's a miracle he's OK and I'm so glad for them both.