Dating When You Don't Want Kids

[Arcade Man D]

I am so glad I met my girlfriend, and didn't bother with dating sites. Neither of us is too terribly enamored with the idea of children, and she especially doesn't want to have children. However, we also aren't entirely opposed to the idea of adoption.

[Kaylyn]

I am so glad I met my girlfriend, and didn't bother with dating sites. Neither of us is too terribly enamored with the idea of children, and she especially doesn't want to have children. However, we also aren't entirely opposed to the idea of adoption.

This sounds like me and my husband. I have no desire to go through pregnancy and childbirth, and I'm not a fan of babies. We've agreed that if we ever decide to have children, we'd prefer to adopt a slightly older child (kindergarten age at the youngest). And yes, as far as I know, we're both perfectly fertile. The way I see it, there's too many unwanted children...since I don't feel the need to procreate, if I'm going to raise a child, I'd rather give one of them a good home.

[Ladeeda]

I tend to not bring up things like wanting or not wanting kids/marriage/ any other long-term relationship stuff when I start dating a person. That's the sort of thing for when relationships get serious.

I'm also not on the lookout for a husband at the moment, so just me?

[Akasa]

I tend to not bring up things like wanting or not wanting kids/marriage/ any other long-term relationship stuff when I start dating a person. That's the sort of thing for when relationships get serious.

I'm also not on the lookout for a husband at the moment, so just me?

Wanting/not wanting kids has been such a deal breaker in so many of my relationships and lead to so much disappointment and heart break that I get the "I do not want, nor will I EVER want children, any problems with that?" out of the way in the first few dates. Before it has a chance to get serious. I want to cut my losses before I get attached and hurt again. If he's worth it he has no problems. If he can't see life w/o kids he's not for me and its time to cut and run before I get attached. Make sense?

[Boozy]

Wanting/not wanting kids has been such a deal breaker in so many of my relationships and lead to so much disappointment and heart break that I get the "I do not want, nor will I EVER want children, any problems with that?" out of the way in the first few dates.

I usually say that talk of marriage and children should be saved for later in the relationship, but in this case, I think you're right. Get it out of the way early.

In our society, "wanting children someday" is the default. It can almost be assumed, and often is assumed if you're a woman. So clearing up that misconception early on is helpful.

[BigGiant]

Sorry, but:

In our society, "wanting children someday" is the default. It can almost be assumed, and often is assumed if you're a woman. So clearing up that misconception early on is helpful.

It is assumed regardless of whether you are male or female. The pressure to have children is on everyone in our society.

Read this thread. How many females are talking about how they've had trouble/broke off relationships because the male wanted kids?

I just take issue with saying that all the pressure is on the females. It isn't. It's on everyone.

[Hobbs]

How true, BigGiant (nice redundancy ).

As my brother is gay and quite probably will never have children, I am the only son to carry on the family name and lineage. That's a lot of pressure, especially considering that I've always had the feeling that I would die when I was thirty-and that I'd marry in my forties. How's that for irony?

[blas87]

I don't think Boozy is wrong, women are far more pressured because women are the ones who endure the pregnancy and give birth.

It's always assumed that something is dreadfully wrong with a woman if she hasn't had kids by her later 20s or god forbid 30s.....Ooooh noes your biological clock is ticking away my dear! Get to makin those baybayz!

I have no desire to have children. I get ill hearing children singing. I hate when they scream. They smell. They are so messy. I love babies, but guess what babies turn into?

My bf has an issue with me wanting to be childfree. Not now, but he says that one day, he does want at least one or two kids, and I keep saying "Well it will have to be with someone else then!" and he just tells me the same thing I keep hearing from everyone else "Aww hunny you'll change your mind."

Some ignorant mothertrucker even dared to tell me "You can't NOT want children, everyone wants children! How can you not want kids of your own?"

Because I effing hate children, that's why. I have even said that if I did have a child and was forced to keep it, I'd sell it to the Amish. Still pretty sure I'd do it.

[BigGiant]

Blas-


As a male when I was younger, I had the exact same conversations that you just described.


The difference is, I did change my mind!

Seriously. I think maybe it is your perception, because obviously women carry and give birth to children, but childless men in the 30+ age range get the same pressure that women do.

There is one difference, and that is that people don't pull the ole "biological clock ticking" argument on men. That doesn't mean that they don't think that you are either 1) Strange 2)Demented or 3)Gay if you are over 30 and don't have kids.

[AdminAssistant]

My fiance really wants kids. I'm...still not 100%. When we started getting serious he said, "As long as you don't hate kids and would be open to at least discussing it, it'll be okay." And it is. My biggest issue is actual child birth, and, of course, negotiating that around beginning an academic career. (Cash-strapped colleges are reluctant to hire women that have young kids or might be having kids soon. Yes, it's illegal and unfair, but it happens.) But now that we're engaged, and I just turned 27.....I'm hearing the faintest little "tick tick tick." If I do have kids, I want to do so before I turn 35.

[BigGiant]

Maybe that's what I'm failing to see or take into account when talking about pressure to have kids as a guy.

There is literally a biological pressure that men do not have to deal with or even consider. We put in our 2mins of effort in the beginning, and up until actual child birth, that's our physical contribution.

I don't have to worry about putting mine or my unborn child's life in danger if I decide to make a deposit when I'm 55.

So yes, while I still think the social pressure is relatively close regarding having kids between the genders, the biological pressure is overwhelmingly worse on women.

[guywithashovel]

Wanting/not wanting kids has been such a deal breaker in so many of my relationships and lead to so much disappointment and heart break that I get the "I do not want, nor will I EVER want children, any problems with that?" out of the way in the first few dates. Before it has a chance to get serious. I want to cut my losses before I get attached and hurt again. If he's worth it he has no problems. If he can't see life w/o kids he's not for me and its time to cut and run before I get attached. Make sense?

That's kind of how I feel, too.

The last few people I've gone out with I've met on eHarmony. There, I wrote on my profile that I didn't want children. I followed it up with an apology if that was too forward and an explanation that I just wanted to get that one issue out in the open right away. Because really, it's the one thing that I am unyielding on for a relationship. I'm willing to accept some differences in religious views, political views, and other lifestyle things, but if she wants kids, we're just going to have to go about our own merry ways. I just think anyone considering a relationship with me deserves to know that upfront.

One girl I met via eHarmony actually thanked me for stating my child rearing plans upfront

[Cat]

I pretty much tell people on the get-go I will NOT have kids (not my own, not theirs from a previous relationship, no future adoptions) It did kill one relationship, the guy didn't realize I was dead serious about this. His loss.

My bf now knows I do not want kids, and he doesn't either. I want us to grow old together and raise an army of cats.

[Akasa]

I have to admit I was unaware society put that kind of pressure on men as well. I just knew I got it all the time till I had surgery and started giving the "I can't have kids" to the "Where are your kids?" people. That sure shuts people up and gets them apologizing for being insensitive. When you're in your 30's and a woman people assume you have kids, or want kids. Not being able to have kids will make people feel like heels for bringing it up assuming its a painful thing for you. I just let them think its painful, and hope it keeps them from bringing it up to someone who wants kids and can't.

[LadyBarbossa]

I was chatting with a customer the other day, and when she kind of sighed and shook her head at the total, I gave my signature "Yeah, we'd all be rich if we didn't have to eat or put gas in the car!" and she added "Ha, yeah, especially when I have kids." Older customer in line behind her then asked her how many kids she had and how old they were, then asked me about mine. I told her I didn't have any.

I got the dumbest, most disgusted, deer-in-the-headlights look I've ever seen. It was infuriating.

It just gets really aggravating that people think because I have the equipment to produce children, it's some kind of horrible thing that I don't utilize said equipment.