What would you do? (Warning - contains story of death)

[Jules Of All Trades]

This could become a heated topic, so I felt it best to post it here just in case. It's a dilemma I've been struggling with for a few days and I'm hoping for some input.

My 6 and 11 year olds go to the same elementary school. This past Saturday their Art teacher (a young woman with 2 young children) committed suicide by hanging herself. My first notification was Saturday afternoon from the Neighborhood Gossip, and then I received calls a little later in the day from both of the boy's teachers. The principal of the school gave them instruction to call the parents and let them know what happened, but also to instruct the parents to tell their children that Mrs. Teacher had died, and that she took her own life. No details of how of course. They felt it important that the kids heard the truth from their parents rather than other kids at school or adults talking and whatnot. They said there would be a memorial at school sometime during the week and grief counselors available for kids/parents/staff who needed them. My younger son's teacher also gave me his home number in case my son was upset and wanted to talk (god love him).

The school is K-6, my 6 year old is in first grade. How in the hell do you tell a 6 year old that one of his favorite teachers killed herself? Too much information? The opinions of my way too busybody neighborhood varied. Some parents insisted telling their kids *everything*, including cause of death, while others told their kids that she died but they didn't know how. I struggled the rest of the day Saturday and all of Sunday trying to figure out how/what to tell my boys. I was so afraid of upsetting them, scaring them, confusing them with too much or too little information, but at the same time I didn't want to keep it too quiet and have them hear things much more bluntly from a kid at school who just *had* to spill what they knew.

What would you do? I'm curious to see what the responses are (if anyone cares to respond ) and then I'll share the outcome here at home.

[Rapscallion]

Well, it's in a social area, so they're going to find out one way or another. In such a situation, I'd have to tell them that their teacher is dead, that it was at her own hand, but I'd spare them the method involved. Just my personal opinion about where it should go.

Rapscallion

[Spiffy McMoron]

Ohh, that's a tough one-I don't know your kids, but I'm not sure if they could understand the concept of suicide and the reasons why someone would choose to take their own life. Personally, I would tell them that their teacher did kill herself-otherwise, they would hear it on the playground, and it would be even more upsetting. Plus, if you tell them, you can answer any questions they have and talk them through any issues that they may have.

[DGoddess]

That is a tough call IMO as well. I would think it would be easier to explain such matters to an older child, such as your 11 year old. A 6 year old might not understand the complexity of suicide, there again some younger children are more mature than we adults can give them credit for.

As Spffy said, your children will probably be hearing the details at school more than likely. I guess just explain to them that the teacher died and that it by her choice (and minus the gory details.) Just state the facts of what you know as simply and as best you can.

It's hard to know just what to say, especially when explaining death. Even harder is when it's by suicide, which always leaves more questions than answers and no way to attain those answers since the one with them is gone.

So really just go with your gut instinct and you can't go wrong.

[Ree]

In that situation, I would have told my daughter the truth, but in a watered down way.
I would have told her that her teacher had died. I wouldn't have gone into details about the suicide, but I would have taken that chance to teach a small lesson about it, so she would realize that sometimes, people are just so very unhappy that they don't want to continue to live. I would have seen it as a chance to develop compassion and empathy.

I would also tell her that she is probably going to hear some stories from people, and there may be a lot of gossip, but that she should not get involved in it.

My sympathies to your children on the loss of someone so special to them.

[Jules Of All Trades]

Thanks everyone, you all had very interesting replies and I can see all of your points of view, which really seemed quite similar to my initial reaction, minus all of the internal turmoil I had. Here's how it panned out here...

I did decide to tell my kids the truth about their teacher taking her own life because of the very things most of you mentioned, that they would probably hear it from other kids and/or adults and I felt it better coming from me. I spoke to them separately because of the age difference, I chose my words differently but carefully with both.

I don't regret telling my 11 year old the truth (minus the way she killed herself). He was upset for a while but was not overly shaken, as he didn't really get to know her that well. He heard a lot about it at school the next day, mostly kids guessing particulars, the how's and why's of the situation. He was prepared with enough knowledge to understand what was being said but not too much.

Looking back, I almost wish I hadn't told my 6 year old, although I suppose he may have heard it anyway, I'll never really know for sure. He was absolutely devastated. She was one of his very favorite teachers and her art room was right across the hall from his class so he saw her many times throughout the day.

The worst part is that 2 days before she committed suicide he made her a craft at home, a flower made from beads that I fuse together with an iron (a bit hard to explain). He took it to school the next day thinking he had art class but he actually had gym. He decided spur of the moment to give it to his gym teacher and to make another for his art teacher that afternoon. That was on Friday, and by Saturday morning she was dead.

The night that I told him about her death he was a bucket of tears all night. The rest of us in the family did whatever we could to soothe him and talk him through it. About 10:30pm that night he came downstairs crying....again. I cuddled him and asked him what was wrong. He said through his tears, "If I had only given Mrs. Teacher the flower I made her I bet she wouldn't have been so sad that she killed herself." It makes me well up just typing this out, needless to say I cried with him that night. It was heartbreaking that he thought that in some way he could have prevented or was a bit responsible for her wanting to die. I talked him through it, explaining that although she would have loved the flower she was too sick (mentally) to think that she could live anymore.

For that reason alone I wish I had a time machine...I may have done it differently.

He wasn't able to go to school the first 2 days this week because he was so upset. I got him in to see a crisis counselor and it seems to be helping, although if something reminds him of the situation he gets really upset still. School was closed yesterday for her memorial service, we'll see how he did today when he gets home. No calls from school, so that's a good sign.

I'll tell you, when he came down that night upset over not giving her the flower, it had to be one of the most challenging moments I've had as a parent thus far.

[AFPheonix]

Wow. Your sons are going to grow up to be cool guys. Congrats on being a good dad to them both.

[Jules Of All Trades]

Thanks, I appreciate the kind words. For the record, I'm the mom.

[AFPheonix]

Oops! Sorry!

[NightAngel]

Nope, I think you did it just fine. Death is always hard to deal with.

We must all learn how to face grief and loss. Every death brings "what if"s and/or, "I wish I had"s.

If you had not told him and he had learned it from another source there's a chance he would have been mad/hurt with you for not telling him. Can you imagine how devastating it would have been hearing it from another kid at school instead of from you?

Honesty is always best.

[DesignFox]

Awww. that story breaks my heart...(especially the part about your little guy making the flower)

I think you did the right thing. And, since you were there for your sons and able to help them with their grief, (especially your little guy) I'm sure things will turn out better than had they heard the news on the playground. I agree with everyone here that honesty was the best policy.

I send my deepest sympathies...

[Myra]

I agree that you did the right thing. Even with your younger child. He would've heard the truth through other kids, and it would have been much worse for him to hear from another kid and not his mommy.

My mother died by suicide when I was 11. My brother was 9. My dad was literally up all night with our pastor trying to decide what to do. Should he tell the truth? How would he answer our questions? In the end, he was 100% truthful with us, even though it was painful. My brother had to have some therapy, but we all made it through.

I think eventually with family support, your little guy will find a way to get through this too, and he will be fine. You really did the right thing.

[BusBus]

Jules, I agree that you did the right thing. A lot of parents think it's just easier to let kids figure things out for themselves, but you were brave and did the right thing by telling them the truth. Your little guy will understand one day the complexities of the situation and how he was not at fault. It's such a complex thing to handle at such a young age.