A rise in "abusive" parents

[Racket_Man]

http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/24..._lnk3%7C203249

http://www.parentdish.com/2011/02/24..._lnk1%7C203249

Is it just that parenting is just going downhill these days or has more "abusive" behavior just coming to light these days.

when I was much younger, screaming and hitting your children was a LOT more hidden, ignored or accepted (not that I agree with that)

[Greenday]

I think part of it is that it's becoming more unacceptable these days so we notice it a lot more.

The other part is that child abuse seems to have a quickly growing definition every year.

[AdminAssistant]

The miracle that is the internet is just bringing more of this to national attention. News stories, like in the second link, are shared more easily. And then you have the folks in the first link, who don't realize the ramifications of posting pictures of your kids on an unsecured site. Actually, that Mom doesn't realize that you really can't have two young boys AND a picture perfect house with lots of nice things.

[Ladeeda]

Physical punishments are no longer accepted, so some parents are turning to emotional and psychological stuff. But public humiliation is really, REALLY cruel. They are getting creative, but only in new ways to hurt their children.

[Rageaholic]

I can't speak for the "old days", but I wonder if perhaps we have become less tolerant of overly harsh parenting. I also think technology has played a role in this. You hear more about things like this because of things like the internet and news media. I dunno, but whether it's rising or not, it needs to stop.

What's scary is that some of these parents think that harsh parenting (that crosses the line into abuse) is for their childs own good. I remember seeing the video of the mother who made her kid stand on the street corner because of bad grades. She actually thought it was for the kids own good! In reality, this doesn't work, and probably won't help him with his grades. Even if it does, he's going to be messed up. And don't get me started on the tiger mom...

[DrFaroohk]

I'm not down with the physical abuse such as hitting, cutting and cigarette burns, but sometimes I think the other ones, when given a proper warning, aren't all that bad.

Tell your kid that if they don't bring that D in biology up to a B this quarter, they will stand on a street corner with their shitty grades posted up. As long it's followed through on and the parent does their part by helping the child learn, if the child still fucks off and decides he's going to play Wii instead of studying, well he deserves it. He had ample warning, he knew it'd happen, and he chose it anyway. Fuck him.

I have a whole slew of things like that I haven't employed with my kids only because it's illegal. If it was legal, i'd be doing it all the time.

Example * - I would never and have never done this ***, but Little Jeffrey likes to waste his bathwater. He leaves it running, he spills it, wastes it, knocks the plug out, and then its cold. My personal believe (See * and ***) is that he now gets to rinse off with cold water. Why not hot water? Hot water is for the people who use the tub properly. When you learn to respect the light bill and the floor and not waste the hot water, you can rinse with hot water. Until then, buckle up. it's gonna get cold.

Some people will argue that it doesn't work. These harsher punishments don't work. Maybe not, but I argue that someone's failure to learn does not mean my failure to teach. Break it down real simple - child is old enough to hear and comprehend the language being spoken to him. Child is made very aware that a bad thing will happen if he continues his behavior. child continues behavior. BAD THING HAPPENS. Simple enough.

* - In case someone missed it, I just say I would never and have never done that to my kids or any one else's kids.

*** - ok, I'm experienced enough here to know that at least a third of the people reading this still saw "I like to make my kids rinse off with cold water!" So again, clearing up that I don't do that, and never have done that.

[crashhelmet]

The problem is that we're not allowed to discipline our kids anymore. We used to be able to spank a child for acting like a demon spawn out in public. Now people see us doing it and they call the police to arrest us before we can finish our shopping and leave the store.

Our kids fall down outside and bruise or scrape themselves. Teachers see them at school and call the police because the ONLY possible way that could have happened was we parents beat them.

Little Timmy is upset that we didn't buy him everything he wanted for his birthday or ChristHannuKwanzIvus or maybe even that toy at the store and he starts lieing to people that his parents abuse him.

In almost every case, the parents are convicted before they even have the opportunity to defend themselves.

So this rise in abusive parents? How much of it is abuse? How much is actually legitimate discipline? How much of it is lies?

[KnitShoni]

As for the hot sauce mom, yeah, that was abusive. The GPA mom? Not so much. She and the boy's father had tried other avenues to help him bring his grades up, and had tried other punishments. Those didn't work. The boy himself says he was embarrassed, but he knows where mom is coming from. Ebay mom? Yeah, she shouldn't have posted the pictures, but, I can't really agree that the actual selling of the kids' toys is abusive. Yes, she's not going to have a picture perfect house with two young boys. That does not mean they should not be held responsible for what they damage.

[DrFaroohk]

The problem is that we're not allowed to discipline our kids anymore. We used to be able to spank a child for acting like a demon spawn out in public. Now people see us doing it and they call the police to arrest us before we can finish our shopping and leave the store.

Our kids fall down outside and bruise or scrape themselves. Teachers see them at school and call the police because the ONLY possible way that could have happened was we parents beat them.

Little Timmy is upset that we didn't buy him everything he wanted for his birthday or ChristHannuKwanzIvus or maybe even that toy at the store and he starts lieing to people that his parents abuse him.

In almost every case, the parents are convicted before they even have the opportunity to defend themselves.

So this rise in abusive parents? How much of it is abuse? How much is actually legitimate discipline? How much of it is lies?

This. It's one of the reasons I hate taking them to the doctor if anything's wrong. Baby girl fell down a few weeks ago and bruised her ear pretty bad. Nothing torn or broken or bleeding though, and I wasn't about to let a doctor see that and just assume that I must have punched her in the side of the head. It's retarded. Kids are now lacking proper medical attention because of this very state of mind.

[Eisa]

On the other hand, you can go to school with bruises up and down your arms, wince every time you sit down, and cringe in fright every time someone male comes near you, and that isn't ever investigated as possibly--just possibly--something's wrong.

[Not to say that the reverse doesn't happen, because it does. But actual abusive cases are NOT reported and dealt with as much as everyone would like to believe.]

I count every single instance shown in those new articles as abuse. Oh, and abandoning your kid at the police station? GREAT way to make them fear the police. "If I am bad, I will be abandoned with the police." Yeah.

[Andara Bledin]

Teachers see them at school and call the police because the ONLY possible way that could have happened was we parents beat them.

Don't blame the teachers in this. The rules are set up these days that if they don't report it and there is abuse, they get in trouble. Even if they didn't actually know.

One of my gaming friends is a teacher, and he was telling me about how one kid mentioned to him that another kid had a huge bruise on his back. So he had to call the other kid in and get a look at his back; he had no choice at that point, as if there was something, and it was found out he didn't investigate, he could face charges.

Turns out the kid did have a huge, hand-shaped bruise in the middle of his back, so then he had to fill out the paperwork on that.

^-.-^

[Racket_Man]

Don't blame the teachers in this. The rules are set up these days that if they don't report it and there is abuse, they get in trouble. Even if they didn't actually know.


^-.-^

in every system of "zero-tolerance rules" there are people in authority who are "purposely blind" or have a blind spot(s).

Now I know that these reporting rules have been in place for some 20 years or more (the time my daughter was just starting school) and cover schools and medical professions. that does not mean they are enforced and reports are done uniformily.

my own circumstance is a testimony to that. super condenced Reader's Digets version:

Daughter goes to schools mad at Mom and "claims" Mom tried to "break her arms and legs" school immediately puts in a call to CPS. while waiting for CPS to show up for the manditory examination school social worker and daughter's primary teacher get on the phone to Mom and dump a bunch of crap on her. like making (unknown at the time empty) threats and generally being nasty to Mom. Mom goes into a tailspin. CPS examines DD and finds nothing of note but dings big time Mom becasue of her subsequent actions (after the nasty phone calls from social worker and teacher).

we try to file a formal protest with the school for the social workers and teachers actions. we assume that the social worker was investigated. it is discovered that school social worker has let more than a few children with more obvious "problems" slip through the cracks.

[Crazedclerkthe2nd]

I think there may be economic repercussions here as well that are not being taken into consideration.

Let's face it, the economy since the latter half of 2008 has been the worst in several generations. People are really struggling trying to make ends meet and putting up with higher workloads and more bullshit at work while barely making enough money to go on.

On top of that, I believe there's an epidemic out there today of parents not giving their children the attention they need. Think about it: Father of a couple of young kids comes home after a hard 9 hour shift, all he wants to do is eat, maybe watch a bit of TV or play on the computer and then go to bed. They don't want to deal with kids, whom they see primarily as another source of stress.

I can imagine the "toy mom" just snapping because money is tight and the family doesn't have an extra $500 to fix that bathtub. Her frustration is more caused by the financial strain than the kids themselves. I wonder if she'd reacted the same if the family had more money?

I agree that the advent of the internet and social media and a change in societal attitudes could give a perception that abuse is on the rise, but like another poster said, it's tough to document that conclusively.

I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine. I think kids should have a healthy respect of their parents and learn that there are lines that are not to be crossed and if they are crossed, there WILL be consequences. These parents who try to be their kids friends aren't doing them any favors. Kids need freedom, but they also need boundaries if they are to grow up to be successful adults.

[LexiaFira]

I was spanked as a kid and I turned out fine. I think kids should have a healthy respect of their parents and learn that there are lines that are not to be crossed and if they are crossed, there WILL be consequences. These parents who try to be their kids friends aren't doing them any favors. Kids need freedom, but they also need boundaries if they are to grow up to be successful adults.

I chose not to use spanking unless its the last option, but this is based on the fact I was spanked as a kid and came out not so fine. Only because father spanked me for EVERYTHING wrong, there was no minor incidents, or accidents it was all horrible deeds and must be spanked for.

I don't condone spanking in my house unless as a last resort, but thats my choice and i won't berate other parents for choosing to do so. There is a fine line between spanking and hitting too hard. Its when the redness doesn't fade - based on learning the hard way - and when dad made me wear certain clothing to hide the marks is where its a problem.

I do agree that some parents should follow through and that its tough as more and more people jump to abuse conclusions too quickly before getting the whole story or stopping to think hey was this an accident or did something really happen?
For example, if a kid did wrong and is caught said kid usually acts guilty, tries to hide it or deflect blame or at worst doesn't care that kid got caught bring on punishment cause i'm used to it.
Where as with an accident usually depending on the age the kid is either scared of too freaked out to act guilty. but this was based on my reactions and that oh shit dad's going to punishment whether it was accident or on purpose as opposed to mom checking me over first and making sure i was ok before freaking out.

I guess I am a bit laid back with some discipline, but only because mom would tell me it was an accident, this can be replaced you can't. when i broke her cooking bowl trying to help.
But I do have a set plan and so far it works as daughter usually listens when I say no touch, or stop.

[Andara Bledin]

I chose not to use spanking unless its the last option, but this is based on the fact I was spanked as a kid and came out not so fine. Only because father spanked me for EVERYTHING wrong, there was no minor incidents, or accidents it was all horrible deeds and must be spanked for.

This really has nothing to do with spanking, and everything to do with generic abusive behavior. Spanking was just the medium chosen and so it's become conflated with abuse in your mind. Of course, there's nothing wrong with not spanking kids as long as there is some mechanism by which they learn to respect their parents' authority.

^-.-^