Ignoring kids who throw fits in public

[Rageaholic]

A while back, I watched this video on youtube of a little girl (about 4 or 5 years old) throwing a fit in her cart while her mom was ignoring her, going about her business. Now she wasn't causing too much of a commotion (nothing destructive), but there was obviously something wrong.

I commented, saying that the mom shouldn't ignore her. Someone responded saying that by giving the kid any attention, that would have been giving into her. Now I'm not a parent, but I don't think that would be "giving into" the kid. Or if it is giving in, than it's not a bad thing. Perhaps there's a reason the kid is throwing a fit (kids that young have limited communication skills) that could have been solved easily had she not been ignoring her.

Now I don't blame the mother either way. Maybe the kid really was just being a brat because mom wouldn't get her something. Afterall, it's hard to make a good judgment based on a clip less than a minute long. IMO the fail lied in the commentors who had this "war on kids" mentality. (the only ones who were against ignoring her were the ones in favor of "beating her ass"). I just don't think ignoring the kid isn't always a good thing to do.

[DrFaroohk]

It's hard to judge based on a one minute clip, you're right. It really depends on the reason the kis is flipping out I guess. If he's upset because the bad man tried to touch him in the bathroom, yeah he needs some attention.

But I agree that a lot of the fits are just attention mongering, and sometimes the only way to not give in is not give them what they want.

[AdminAssistant]

If a tantrum is thrown for the sake of attention or trying to get something they want, then ignoring is the best thing to do. I had one friend whose daughter started throwing random tantrums. One time, she threw herself on the floor right next to her daughter and threw an even *bigger* tantrum. (I don't remember if this was in public or not.) By showing her daughter how ridiculous and annoying she was acting, she greatly reduced the number of tantrums.

ETA: I am not a parent, but I have heard another technique when out in public. Stop whatever you're doing, scoop up the child and go sit in the car for a while. When the kid calms down and acts like a human again, then resume whatever you were doing before. Obviously not for every situation, but there it is. Better than spanking.

[bainsidhe]

I never saw the clip and of course I don't know these people, but as a fellow shopper I would be thinking evil hate-daggers in this woman's direction. While ignoring the tantrum may be good thing, the child still has an audience and, in my opinion, the surrounding activity makes it harder for an upset child to calm down. During my time cashiering, I could tell the difference between a child's "I'm hungry/tired" cry versus the "I'm upset/not getting my way/hate you!" cry. Guess which one really grated the nerves?

[Rageaholic]

Okay here's the video.

Seeing it again, the mom does say something to the kid when she starts climbing up on the cart so I don't think she's totally ignoring her daughter. Of course, we still don't know what the fit was about in the first place.

I stand by what I say though. Ignoring the kid could end up being much worse than "giving in". Though in her defense, maybe the kid had worn her out. Hard to say.

[Glados]

As a parent of a tantrum age child, I can add that there is no way to tell if ignoring was right in this situation. There is no one way to handle an upset child. The problems arise when parents think that one size fits all. A child that is upset needs to be checked for the reason, it could be important. I had a doctor tell me to ignore my children at night because parents need sleep too. I heard horror stories from parents who listened to this crap and discovered the next morning that the child was hurt...all night. If the child is looking only for attention, then, they need to learn the proper way to achieve this. The "right" way depends on the child.

[Boozy]

I don't really understand the problem with ignoring a temper tantrum.

If the child were excessively loud or physically uncontrollable, the parent should leave the store with them. But otherwise, I'm fine with the parent's choice to ignore it.

[Glados]

There is nothing wrong with ignoring a temper tantrum as long as you have checked and know it is just a temper tantrum. Ignoring a crying child without knowing why the child is crying is a bad idea. The child may be hurt, hungry, ect.

[hawkchick11]

My son is 5 and throws tantrums when he does not get his way. The moment he starts having a tantrum, I give him a warning that if he doesn't stop it, we're leaving. Sometimes he stops, sometimes he doesn't and then we leave.

Yes, it can be inconvenient to me, but I'm not going to let his screaming bother other people, and I won't threaten him with a punishment and not follow through with it.

[tropicsgoddess]

If a tantrum is thrown for the sake of attention or trying to get something they want, then ignoring is the best thing to do. I had one friend whose daughter started throwing random tantrums. One time, she threw herself on the floor right next to her daughter and threw an even *bigger* tantrum. (I don't remember if this was in public or not.) By showing her daughter how ridiculous and annoying she was acting, she greatly reduced the number of tantrums.

ETA: I am not a parent, but I have heard another technique when out in public. Stop whatever you're doing, scoop up the child and go sit in the car for a while. When the kid calms down and acts like a human again, then resume whatever you were doing before. Obviously not for every situation, but there it is.

The let them sit in the car until they chill out method, I'm all for that. Shoot, when my little cousin E was almost 2, he threw a tantrum at home and SO went on the floor and threw a tantrum too and E stopped in his tracks. It does work. I'm not for ignoring tantrums since with some kids it'll just prolong the tantrum. I'm the kind that would take the kid out and go back home if they act up in public. I was raised with the "you better behave in public or you're not going anywhere" philosophy.

[boringscreenname]

I have 2 kids, and they really don't act up in public very much. For the most part they sit quietly and behave themselves. I also buckle both kids in, for every shopping trip, because my son decided to try standing up in the seat part of the cart once. So ever since then they're both buckled in. Initially he didn't like it, now he's used to it.

Like I said for the most part they behave themselves, but they do get impatient if I stay in one area too long. They also don't like it when I stop them from squishing the bread, and playing with the groceries. The place where they usually get the most impatient is at the checkout lane. My husband and I try to unload the cart as fast as possible, but sometimes we'll get stuck in a long line, or the person ahead of us will have a hundred coupons, and want to debate the price of everything, and thus it takes longer, which makes the kids impatient.

But if they start acting up by the time we reach the checkout lane, I'm not going to abandon my cart and go home. It's just not always an option, since we both work full-time, and we have limited time off, and often need to get stuff done during that time. I also won't take my kids out to the car, because our air conditioning isn't the greatest, and putting them in a hot car is just going to make them worse. Plus if I have stuff that might go bad forget about it, we'll just hurry up get through the store, and the checkout lane as fast as possible and go home.

But my kids have never thrown a serious enough temper tantrum, to where I'd even consider going home, or taking them out to the car. Usually when they start acting up, I try and distract them by playing with them, or I let them hold something I know they like. It usually works, but if it doesn't I tell them they need to cut it out and start behaving themselves. My tone of voice, plus the look I give them is enough to make them cut it out. I also try doing my shopping in the morning, because the kids are still sleepy and thus behave better. A lot of the time they've just zonked out in the cart while I do the shopping. Works fine for me.

I agree with the poster who said problems arise, when people believe in a one size fits all discipline method. Different things are going to work, and not work for each child and family. Plus I try to remember when I see a tantruming kid, that this is only a small window into their day, usually a couple minutes. I have no idea what extenuating circumstances there might be so I try to reserve judgement.

[BigGiant]

Don't think of it as "giving in".

Think of it as reinforcing the behavior.

A temper tantrum is a way to get attention...an extreme way. Especially at that age, the child is just discovering better forms of communication, yet still isn't always good at expressing what they want/how they feel in a "quiet" way. They are used to crying to get attention...they've been doing it since birth. Unless the child is somehow hurt, giving attention to the child, even to tell them to calm down or stop crying is reinforcing the behavior...making it "work".

Ignoring the tantrum teaches the child that inappropriate behavior such as a tantrum is not the correct way to get attention.


It is very important (and difficult for most of us) to reinforce the good behaviors early on, while discouraging the less than desirable ones. It isn't a "war on kids", it is teaching your child how to behave and what is acceptable and what isn't.

If you don't teach them early on that tantrums don't work, next thing you know, they're throwing tantrums in Kindergarten, or they're throwing them when they're 9 and don't get the toy they want at Wal Mart. To me, that is much worse than ignoring the first few they have until the behavior goes away.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

During my time cashiering, I could tell the difference between a child's "I'm hungry/tired" cry versus the "I'm upset/not getting my way/hate you!" cry.

It's impressive that you could figure that out from just the few short minutes of observation you could do on each child while they were in your line. Even parents have to get to know their own child quite well to be able to figure that out. I've been a parent of one kid for five years, and I still don't know the nuances of the crying of other people's kids.

I'm curious how you made that distinction and then got feedback on whether you were right or not.

My kid is not laid back. Her buddy is. They both got bug spray in their eyes the other day. My kid (a fussy ballet dancer spawned by two artists) acted like she was on fire. The other kid (a karate kid spawned by a female mechanic and war veteran) barely reacted at all, considering how much I thought that must burn.

I think your assessment of the crying that went on Friday over here would be a pretty interesting experiment.

[IDrinkaRum]

I have had to march Child Rum out of Wal-Mart one time. For some reason, even though she's 7 (almost 8) years old, and has been potty trained for 3 almost 4 years, she still has a fascination with diapers. Especially the Luvs diapers because they ahve Blue from Blue's Clues on the front of the box. Oi. Bane of my existance. One day, she & I were at Wal-Mart shopping. She has put a bag of swim diapers into the cart. I told her we can't buy those as 1. they were too small for Cousin Emma and 2. Child Rum doesn't wear diapers. She threw a fit. We were in the middle of the Plus Size Women's section. She laid down on the floor and cried and flailed about. I picked up my purse, picked up Child Rum and announced we're leaving. She's a crying mess. Not believing that we're going to leave the store. We did. I got dirty look from people as I'm marching my daughter out of the store. (Not sure if they were mad at her crying or at me for not stopping her crying or that I'm marching her out as a disciplinary option).

Now if Mr. Rum is with us, he refuses to leave the store. I get extra bitchy and people glare at me as I'm barking at Mr. Rum to hurry up, shushing Child Rum, etc. Though at the grocery store, once we get into line and he has put the heavy items (cases of water or cat litter) on the conveyor belt, he'll take Child Rum out to the car. It's the only way I can get through the grocery line.

[Andara Bledin]

It's impressive that you could figure that out from just the few short minutes of observation you could do on each child while they were in your line. Even parents have to get to know their own child quite well to be able to figure that out. I've been a parent of one kid for five years, and I still don't know the nuances of the crying of other people's kids.

I don't have kids, I don't want kids, and I don't work in an environment where I'm around kids, but I can still tell when the kids outside are crying for attention versus crying because they need something. Some kids might get good enough that their want cry sounds closer to their need cry, just like actors can fake emotions, but at the start the want cry sounds staged. I have no idea how to describe it other than that. *shrug*

....

More on topic - I've never understood the point of family shopping excursions. If one has really young kids, and more than one responsible person available to take care of them, why would you troop the entire tribe to the store rather than have only one that can drive, be trusted with money, and follow a list go while the little ones, who are likely to fuss at the trip anyway, stay home where they are less likely to do so?

This is aimed more at the families of 5-10 I see clogging up the store nearby, although even with just the couples with tiny kids, I just don't get it; it seems like a losing situation all around.

^-.-^