When do you give the talk

[rahmota]

had an interesting situation today. i was waiting around to pick the kids up from school and talking to some of the other parents. The subject came around to how it seems like the girls are developing sooner and sooner and how the kids need to be aware of whats going on sooner.

Well one parent quite vociferously objected to that as she said children do not need to learn about sexual matters until they are adult enough to handle it. (I did smart off in respnse and say in that case there are some adults who shouldnt know about sex, got quite a few laughs) Um I feel thats a very very bad attitude to have.

Why do I feel that. Well it does seem to be true that girls (and boys) are hitting puberty sooner. Some of the girls in my son's 5th grade class are rather "developed" already. He has definately noticed this. I would like him to be aware of the risks, and dangers as well as the joys and pleasures that await sexually. I would also like him to have factual answers to question that way he doesnt wind up thinking something like coke is a spermicide or other street tales.

It also gives me a chance to try and make him understand that there is a moral and ethical responsibility to acting on the feelings the body is producing. That no means no. That a girl is more than just a body she has a mind there too and that to enjoy one is to enjoy the other. And most importantly of all to have patience and be ready to accept responsibility as there is always the chance for an accident. And that is an accident that is not able to be done over or resolved easily.

So what do you think? I mean I grew up in a household where communication about all subjects was common and comfortable. I realize that some people are not comfortable talking about sex, but that in my opinion just leads to repressed feelings and misinformation/understanding. I'm not saying to go out and have wild jungle love but to know and be ready and above all else responsible for their own actions. I mean it took me until I was 21 to find the one who was compatible with me enough to take that last step. But I knew the facts of life since I was 12 so thats why I didnt feel the need to rush and make a mistake.

[Rapscallion]

I suspect it depends on the child involved. That sort of judgement call is part of parenting.

Rapscallion

[rahmota]

True Raps: but the way the child handles things depends on the parent to a great deal. I believe in protecting a child from the evils of the world while preparing them to face them. Not sheltering and hiding them from the world and then tossing them out on it when they are "adult" enough to handle it.

This has to be done on an age appropriate level of course. A 5 year old only needs to know that something is bad becuase they can get hurt or because I said so. A 10 year old can understand that something has more of an effect. That a can lead to b and that can lead to c. By the time a child is 15 they should be able to have a pretty good grasp of right and wrong and responsibility for their actions. That the world is not totally black and white but filled with shades of grey and they have to make their path through all of it. That way when they get to be a full fledged "adult" (Whatever that is depending on your definition) they are at least able to stand somewhat on their own.

Of course each family is different and each family has to do things that follow their beliefs and values and ethics

[AFPheonix]

I never really got the talk from mom and dad, other than "don't have sex ever or you'll make Baby Jesus cry". I had sex ed in grade school for a year, and that was about it.

Fortunately I didn't really even start having relationships until I was 19 so I didn't get into trouble.

I really think it's up to the kid, but they start getting the fun biology even as early as 4th and 5th grade anymore (at least, that's when the early bloomers were starting in in my class) so as soon as they're willing to listen and not do the "Ew! Cooties! thing is probably ideal. The "Ew! Cooties" reaction is a great thing too...keeps em' out of trouble longer....

[MadMike]

Well one parent quite vociferously objected to that as she said children do not need to learn about sexual matters until they are adult enough to handle it.

People who take this "head in the sand" approach are usually the ones whose daughters become pregnant at 15 or sooner. Worse yet, they seem genuinely surprised when it happens, as if they won't do it if they're not educated on it.

I chose to have "the talk" with my son when he was 10. I had it when I was 11, and I had already picked up most of the bits and pieces from my friends at school, so I figured 11 might be a little too late.

I wasn't sure how to go about it, so I started out by asking what he already knew. He knew that people had "sex" to have kids, and he knew what parts involved, but he didn't really know the mechanics. He looked kind of shocked when I explained it to him.

All in all, I think it went pretty well.

[rahmota]

madmike: I'll agree. I wonder what will happen with her when her daughter gets to high school

I was half afraid when talking to my son that it was going to turn into that routine by Bill Engvall from Blue Collar Comedy tour. "You can do that?" But he's somewhere between the "eww cooties" stage and the "Ohhh girls" stage so i am glad hes had the talk so far so good.


Hes 11 now and has known the full facts for about a year now too. As I felt the same way you did MM. There are a couple girls in his class that look like they hould be or are in high school but are only 12. Their dad (they are sisters fraternal twins) has been stockpiling shotgun shells for a while now and definately had the talk with them he said.

Fortuantely the rest of my kids are ranging from still in the "ew cooties" to "there's a difference?" stages.

[ArenaBoy]

I never had the "talk", I actually learned through books, (MEDICAL BOOKS, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!) 10 or 11 seems like a suitable age because kids are in somewhat of a transitional stage of their lives, they border on the cooties and the tingly feeling most get that first experience of at that age. Then again it depends on the kid and the surroundings I think. Taking the head in the sand approach is a bad route but like I said I learned from medical books and haven't gotten anyone pregnant.

Rahmota said: Their dad (they are sisters fraternal twins) has been stockpiling shotgun shells for a while now and definately had the talk with them he said.

Heh heh, reminds me of the girl I dated whose dad was a cop. Nice guy but he would always clean guns when I was around her daughter. That kept me in line.

[Fool]

well, I think, since your thinking about it, now would be a good time to start with the basics, explain what the differences are, and why there is differences.

I didn't get a sex talk (hell my mum was mortified telling me about periods, so anything else was out of the question) so I would advise being as relaxed as you can be, so the child doesn't think theres anything to be embarrassed about and will be comfortable asking questions.


good luck

[rahmota]

Um Fool. I've already given him the talk and all. I was just wondering what other people thought about this as I was talking to some other parents the other day.

I've known since I was about 12 but since I grew up in a family that was comfortable with sex and the human body and all that we didnt have any hang ups about discussing the facts from the fiction. Heck when I was in college I'd even be able to bring my girlfriend home and to my room without my mother saying anything about it other than be careful.

Arenaboy: I'll have to remember that when my daughter gets old enough to date. Altough she's enough of a tomboy I might be more afraid of what she'd do to the guy if he got out of line. Fortunately she's 8 now an thinks boys are useful for playing sports and thats it so i have some time, not much but some at least.

[DGoddess]

I never had the "talk", I actually learned through books, (MEDICAL BOOKS, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!) 10 or 11 seems like a suitable age because kids are in somewhat of a transitional stage of their lives, they border on the cooties and the tingly feeling most get that first experience of at that age. Then again it depends on the kid and the surroundings I think. Taking the head in the sand approach is a bad route but like I said I learned from medical books and haven't gotten anyone pregnant.

Same here. I read all the time growing up and medical books were no exception. I already knew the mechanics of it before I was 10.

My mom tried to have a talk with me when I was about 11 or 12, but I basically knew already. She wasn't too surprised, as she knew I was reading everything in the house and then some (Playgirl anyone?)

The general attitude varied in my house pertaining to sexual matters. My mom didn't think it was such a big deal to discuss such things, while my grandmother was really old school and believed the very word "sex" was dirty. She really gave me grief when I started writing fanfic at age 14 (some of it was rather graphic I have to admit.)

Of course when I finally started dating (I was 20 at the time) my mom mentioned taking me to get birth control, which we did a short time later.

I'm 37 now (soon to be 38) and have not been pregnant like so many of my former high school classmates. Maybe a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

[Primer]

I never had the "talk", I actually learned through books, (MEDICAL BOOKS, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!!)

Same here. I read all the time growing up and medical books were no exception. I already knew the mechanics of it before I was 10.

Me three. Mom was a nurse before she had kids, but still had all her medical textbooks lying around where we could (conveniently?) get our hands on them. I'm 46 now and still have not yet received "the talk." Heck, I've asked more about menopause than I ever did about sex!

[Knightmare]

It depends on the child. Are they mentally mature enough? Are they old enough to have sex?
I've had this talk with my ex-gf's son, Steve. He is now 13, but we talked about it 2 years ago. I (still) am the father figure in his life, so he comes to me with these questions. I can't believe on how much I had to set things straight for him! What he "knew" he learned from his friends at school.

I am NOT looking forward to having this talk with my daughter. It was pretty easy with Steve; it was somewhat like two friends just sitting around having a talk. But this next talk will be with my three year old daughter, who will (technically) be a woman in about ten short years! AAUGH!!
Why can't they just stay three years old?

[Splintered Star]

I don't think I ever had "The Talk" either. My mother tells me that when I was still a munchin and hadn't yet hit four feet tall, I asked questions and she answered. (I wouldn't know - she remembers those years better than I) The rest I basically picked up on my own.

But really, I have to echo what the others have said - when the kid's ready. There's no 'perfect' age for anything, and attempts to find one usually mess things up.


Splintered Star

[rahmota]

So basically what most people are saying is when the child is able to understand thigns is the time. Thats what I was thinking.

Knightmare: I know what you mean about that. My daughter is 8 and is goign to be a real heartbreaker so thats going to be fun dealing with.

And the two friends thing is basically how my talk went with dad. We was sitting around talking.

[Barefootgirl]

My four-year old gets her questions answered, that's about it. She does tend to obsess over things for a while before dropping them and going onto something different, so it was interesting when she was obsessing over the difference between boys and girls. My ever-helpful husband told her that boys have tubes and girls have holes one morning when she was watching him have a wee, so for a little while we had observations that everyone one sees has either a tube or a hole. This is fine when its us or our friends, not so amusing when its the vicar. Fortunately, we have a deeply cool vicar...