Fear and Silence

[Ladeeda]

And I don't like having my experience dismissed because YOU don't like the rules of the place where it happened. Your opinion on the effect on the "mood" is completely irrelevant, given that no "mood" exists as default, but only after people agree to engage in some sort of intimacy.

[Hyena Dandy]

Your experience was not dismissed. I can understand how you would feel that way, and I'm sure there are some people who would dismiss your experience for breaking the mood. In fact, I think that probably some of the people in your group did that.

He was not dismissing your experience, though, simply trying to UNDERSTAND it. I can see why you felt like he was dismissing it, and there are people who have and would. But if you look closer, he's not dismissing it, he's just trying to figure it out.

Its like going to another country. He's asking questions that would be rude coming from someone with even a basic knowledge of the social mores, but from him, he just really wants to know.

If I said 'your reaction totally ruins the mood' or even (what he seemed to be saying) 'having rules ruin the mood' that would be dismissing you, because I know the way these situations work, at least basically. Its easy to assume that he does too, because likely most everyone you've interacted with lately knows that mood is essentially a non-entity. That way, what he said, coming from me, or Andara, or anyone else who knows about the lifestyle, would be saying "You shouldn't complain, that's just going to happen." What he was saying is more like "Isn't that what's supposed to happen?" And again, he's not asking rhetorically, he's honestly curious about whether or not that's the sort of thing that should happen.

He did not dismiss you. He was trying to figure out how it works.

Your opinion on the effect on the "mood" is completely irrelevant, given that no "mood" exists as default, but only after people agree to engage in some sort of intimacy.

For you, or me, that's a perfectly reasonable thing to say, and saying it is essentially like having a discussion the debt ceiling and having to explain to someone that there are two houses of congress. I know this, you know this, everyone involved in the debate knows this. Its something that goes without explanation. But he doesn't, because he has never been in an situation anywhere NEAR like what you're describing. Its natural he'll ask stupid questions. He hasn't dismissed you. He has just been very confused, and said things that, coming from anyone with a shred of knowledge of the culture, would be dismissing you.

[kibbles]

And I don't like having my experience dismissed because YOU don't like the rules of the place where it happened. Your opinion on the effect on the "mood" is completely irrelevant, given that no "mood" exists as default, but only after people agree to engage in some sort of intimacy.

JMO, but I do not believe the poster's intention was to dismiss your experience at all, they were genuinely curious about something in which they had no experience.

[Canarr]

What HD and kibbles said. And, what I tried to say in my very first post in this thread, when I wrote:

DISCLAIMER - assumptions ahead, entirely unburdened by actual experience. But I'm actually interested in the background on this, so an answer would be appreciated.

@Ladeeda: it wasn't my intention to dismiss your experience. Now, I do understand that as a result of calling out your host on his behavior, some of your friends/acquaintances have treated you badly, and probably *have* dismissed your experience - potentially as something "he'd never do" or "you've misunderstood" or "you probably did something that enticed him", or any other bullshit that's so eagerly used when excusing the offender and blaming the victim.

But whatever others did to you wasn't my doing, nor is it my fault, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't take your frustrations out on me.

[jackfaire]

Part of what is going to possibly make it harder for you also is false reports sparked by outsiders.

By this I mean. Years ago a girl into the extreme dom/sub scene including cutting and things. Not my thing but hey to each their own. The girl came in gushing about how awesome her night before with her dom had been. Some of the straights had been so freaked out they immediately assumed that since they themselves do not enjoy things like that, then naturally no one does and their friend had been raped. By the end of the day the dom who had been a friend was ostracized because tired of trying to explain to her friends that she wanted what he did agreed "fine he did rape me"

Makes it harder for when real incidents happen.

[Andara Bledin]

Anyone into the more extreme BDSM pursuits should know better than to talk about their hobbies among people they don't know will understand.

You don't just pipe up about being into knifeplay with people who you don't already know are ok with that sort of thing.

^-.-^

[jackfaire]

A
You don't just pipe up about being into knifeplay with people who you don't already know are ok with that sort of thing.

^-.-^

*Nods* I think she learned her lesson after that time. Our social group was rather unique we were essentially all of the outcasts from our various high schools finding our fellow outcasts at college. As such we were usually a lot more accepting and understanding of every type of life.

She simply discovered one of the exceptions.