article for the "armchair quarterbacks" of abusive relationships

[BlaqueKatt]

I went to school with these girls, and I've been judged as "weak", "stupid", and many other things on this very site when I shared my story of abuse. I would love for people to "get it", but many won't.

Why doesn't she just leave?

highlights for those that won't read the article:

Victims are six times likelier to be killed when attempting to separate. That’s why she doesn’t just leave. That’s why she shouldn’t just leave, not without a safety plan, and not without the full awareness of the gravity of her situation by her loved ones and the community they all live in. Not without us.

many abused women often stay silent, some for fear of even worse retaliation, others because they’re too ashamed.

This is the thing about domestic violence: we as a community are more skeptical than we’re comfortable admitting. Part of it is protective; if we can keep issues like these at arm’s length, if we can chalk up the headlines detailing the handful of cases that end in murder as a strange, rare sort of “snapping” that happened to somebody who is nothing like us, we can pretend domestic abuse isn’t as prevalent as it is. That it has nothing to do with our own lives, that it’s not our problem.

And from this arm’s-length distance we feel safe to judge. To ask, whether publicly in the comment sections of news articles or privately in whispers among trusted friends, why didn’t she just leave? How did she get into that situation in the first place, and how could she let it get so bad? At the very least, how could she do that to her kids? But what we’re really saying is, that could never happen to me. Except that’s what many victims of domestic violence said once, too, and likely kept saying—in some cases all the way to the grave. Nobody wants to self-identify as a victim. Not you, not me and not them.

law enforcement gathers as much evidence as possible while on the scene, knowing full well that victims “might report it today, and recant tomorrow. It’s not unusual.” There are dozens of reasons why, not least of which is that you and I are skeptical and disengaged—and victims know that. They read the news article comments. They hear what their own friends say, what you and I say when we don’t realize who we’re talking to, because we’ve forgotten that one-in-four statistic. It serves to reinforce what their abusers are already telling them: that this is their fault. That no one will believe them anyway. That they are terrible mothers, terrible people. That they have no place to go and no one to go to. And right there in the middle of it all, when they’re worn down, exhausted, operating from a place of desperation and hopelessness not unlike a war refugee, it’s not so hard to believe.

[Boozy]

I have a great deal of sympathy for people in these situations who have become so mentally and physically isolated that they don't know where to reach out. It's hard to leave when you don't have a plan.

However, I also know a woman who will not leave despite:

- having been offered a place to stay by three separate people
- having been offered a job by one of these same people should she leave and need to start earning her own income
- has three children whom she subjects to this unhealthy and violent situation on a daily basis. My understanding is that they aren't physically abused, but are witnesses to the abuse of their mother.

She leaves, on occasion, and then goes back to him. I'm sorry, but she's no longer victim, she's a participant. Those children are the victims.

Maybe this woman is the exception to the rule, and maybe she's not. I don't know, since those who are isolated aren't talking about it.

[Rageaholic]

I read the article last night. It's pretty eye opening, though I don't think you can blame people for their ignorance of a situation, especially most of it happens behind closed doors.

However, I complete agree with this.

They read the news article comments. They hear what their own friends say, what you and I say when we don’t realize who we’re talking to, because we’ve forgotten that one-in-four statistic. It serves to reinforce what their abusers are already telling them: that this is their fault. That no one will believe them anyway. That they are terrible mothers, terrible people. That they have no place to go and no one to go to

People should not be so judgmental and lay the blame on the victim. That's the last thing anyone who has their self esteem battered needs to hear. The real fault lies with the abusive bastard (or bitch) who's creating the unhealthy relationship, not the one who's being abused.

[BlaqueKatt]

She leaves, on occasion, and then goes back to him. I'm sorry, but she's no longer victim, she's a participant. Those children are the victims.

not necessarily, my mom left my stepdad several times, and went back because he threatened to take her kids, even went so far as to get his friends and family to lie and attempt to have her found an unfit mother(seriously he bought drugs to plant in the house), was she still a victim?

Also unless she leaves, gets into therapy for several months and then goes back, she's still a victim. It takes a lot longer than a couple days or weeks to break the control an abuser has on their victim.

It took me 6 months before I felt safe enough to leave the house and find a job(I was living with my mom, had to quit my job because he would show up randomly), he threatened that if I left, he wouldn't kill me but he'd rape and murder my sister and mother and force me to watch, before he killed himself. When I went back after that threat was I then a willing participant, or was my spouse using further abuse to control me?

also she could have a very real psychological disorder know as battered person's syndrome(a form of PTSD) which includes:

repeated cycles of violence and reconciliation can result in the following beliefs and attitudes:

The abused believes that the violence was his or her fault.
The abused has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
The abused fears for his/her life and/or the lives of his/her children (if present).
The abused has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

do war vets "get over" PTSD just because they are no longer in a war zone?
do abuse victims just "get over" the abuse and the control of the abuser just because they aren't in the same domicile?

the answer to both is a resounding no, it takes YEARS of therapy, and it's never totally gone.

[Eisa]

A-fucking-men, BlaqueKatt. When I was with my ex, it was with ten years of child abuse behind me [although barely remembered/suppressed], and I ended up...well, I had nowhere else to go. It's easy to say "leave..." but how the fuck was I supposed to when I was in a different state with no money?

He didn't hit me, either. It was all emotional and sexual, and all the sexual abuse confused because I thought maybe I'd just gotten relationships wrong. I was even looking up "signs of an abusive partner" while I was there, and yet completely denying even the possibility.

It's hard. Whenever I confronted him about ANYTHING, he would tell me how wrong I was, that he just wanted what was best for me, that he was working so hard that he loved me...on and on and on until I felt like the lowest person in the universe. And how would I know what was wrong or not, I'd never been IN a proper relationship...

I did get away from him. But I had idiots telling me how stupid I was, too. One "friend" even told me that it wasn't rape, even though I said no, because I "wanted sex eventually." I even had a therapist practically telling me how it was all my fault. Oh yes, hindsight is forever 20/20, NOW I can look back and see things I could have done...not so easy when you're IN the situation!

[kiwi]

It took my Mother 6 years to leave. My Grandfather had to stay with us with a knife ready for the first couple of months. He had to chase that bastard off the property with a cast iron pan once. He also threatened to scalp him.

That bastard terrorised my mother for years afterwards, he would have his friends call up and tell her all the sick things they wanted to do to her children, he would park his car in the street for hours staring at the house. Call in the middle of the night and just breathe into the phone. That's to say nothing of the treatment we all got during the years they were married. If she was too 'bad' and got a beating and dared to fight back, he would start on my brother and I.

She still never feels completely safe 22 years later.

I hate armchair experts, most of them have never been in the situation or anything like it. The worst armchair expert was the useless judge who ask her "what did you do to deserve" the beatings. DIAF.

[Rageaholic]

I did get away from him. But I had idiots telling me how stupid I was, too. One "friend" even told me that it wasn't rape, even though I said no, because I "wanted sex eventually." I even had a therapist practically telling me how it was all my fault. Oh yes, hindsight is forever 20/20, NOW I can look back and see things I could have done...not so easy when you're IN the situation!

I hate armchair experts, most of them have never been in the situation or anything like it. The worst armchair expert was the useless judge who ask her "what did you do to deserve" the beatings. DIAF.

[/IMG]

Because words cannot describe the utter FAIL of these so called "professionals" coming to such assine conclusions.

[MrsEclipse]

I'd like to add a thought on top of the others.

I remember reading another story about an abused woman who didn't fit any of the stereotypes (decent background, a professional, etc.) She had a lot of typical reasons for staying, but one of them made me cry: "No matter what he did to me, I couldn't wake up one day and not love him." There was no abuse before they married, and they knew each other for several years (more than 3, but I don't remember how many more). At this point, either a part of him was still the man she fell in love with, or else a part of her was so desperate that she thought she could still see it, but either way, it's a hell of a hard thing to do to give up someone that meant so much to you when you're in such a mental state.

"Home is a hard place to leave, even if you're unhappy there."

[blas87]

It was hard for me to finally pull the plug with my ex. And while he wasn't an abuser, he's an alcoholic. Probably the worst kind of person you ever want to get mixed up with, especially if they are violent when drunk. He never tried to hurt me, but he hurt himself and attempted to hurt other random guys MANY times while being blacked out drunk and high on booze and Adderall.

I made many excuses. I stood up for him. People thought me a fool. I was.

But I had to realize it for myself and find the right time to end it.

The same goes for my brother and his insane, mentally abusive girlfriend. I have tried reasoning with him. I point blank said "I was just a little older than you are now when I met Asshole. Do you want to wake up 24 years old and with someone who is a total loser? Waste all of the best years of your life on someone who makes your life stressfull? That's what I thought."

He will have to learn for himself when the right time is. He is going to have to learn the way I did that you have to stop with excuses. Stop reasoning or trying to. Stop pleading. Stop bargaining. STOP threatening or giving ultimadums. People that mentally ill, or people a bad enough addiction, are just going to find loopholes to behave a little and keep being bad. That's all there is to it.

I just hope it doesn't take him until he's 24 to realize it.

[BlaqueKatt]

And while he wasn't an abuser, he's an alcoholic.

I made many excuses. I stood up for him. People thought me a fool. I was.

um Blas, hon from some of your posts in the past, it is possible you were an abuse victim, abuse isn't always physical. And emotional and mental abuse can be far more insidious as the signs aren't as readily visible.

I really hate to admit this, but, My current husband is working with his therapist(and I'm trying to get with one), because after 8 years, I realized that yup, once again, not a healthy relationship. Neither one of us realized it, but he is getting help(of his own choosing), and I will be as well, maybe we can work it out, maybe not, but if not he is working on things, for himself.

[Seshat]

It's very sad - and very true. The article mentioned that the time when you're trying to leave an abusive or controlling relationship is the most dangerous - and yeah, that's so right.

Abusers seek people who are already vulnerable, then they manipulate and shape them to be even more vulnerable, embedding beliefs and controlling them with their own guilts and fears.

Victims who manage to overcome this manipulation enough to try to leave: well, violence is the next step, isn't it?