Life without Dad

[blas87]

Who here thinks a lot of bad kids today are the way they are because they don't have a father or positive adult male influence in their life?

Who here thinks that lots of young women having sex way too young with too many guys, often times way too old for them, pretty much the Anna Nicole type thing, can be credited to growing up without a father or positive adult male influence?

*Positive adult male influence = grandpa, uncles, step dad, etc...

[ebonyknight]

Who here thinks a lot of bad kids today are the way they are because they don't have a father or positive adult male influence in their life?

Who here thinks that lots of young women having sex way too young with too many guys, often times way too old for them, pretty much the Anna Nicole type thing, can be credited to growing up without a father or positive adult male influence?

*Positive adult male influence = grandpa, uncles, step dad, etc...

I don't. You can properly raise a child as a single parent. Lots do. It's a matter of the quality of the parent, not the quantity.

[protege]

I don't. You can properly raise a child as a single parent. Lots do. It's a matter of the quality of the parent, not the quantity.

I don't either. Simply saying "oh, he turned out poorly because he doesn't have a father" is a poor excuse. It's simply convenient to say things like that. Not everyone who has their father around turns out OK.

Take my stupid cousin, for example. He had his father, yet turned out poorly. He's usually forgotten by the rest of the family, and with good reason. We simply don't want to associate with trash like that. How is he trash? Well, considering that he's had many run-ins with the law (including college security) for various assaults and petty crimes; ran out (and ran around) on his wife and 3 kids; bounced around from job to job, etc.

Haven't heard from him since Grandpa's funeral nearly 20 years ago. He's a bit resentful of the rest of the grandkids...mainly because we've done something with our lives. We chose *not* to follow his example. He's still not over that, and apparently wants nothing to do with us.

As much as I can't stand my uncle (he's an asshole), he can't take the sole blame for this--my cousin is just a fuck-up. Contrast that with his younger sisters (one went into the Army for awhile, another is going to school for photography), so you can't blame my uncle for that.

[AFPheonix]

Children do not grow up in closed systems, so while we can make general predictions on what may or may not cause or influence a behavior, it will never be a 100% thing.
Some kids would definitely benefit from a positive male influence. Others do just fine with a good female influence.

[crazylegs]

Who here thinks a lot of bad kids today are the way they are because they don't have a father or positive adult male influence in their life?

Who here thinks that lots of young women having sex way too young with too many guys, often times way too old for them, pretty much the Anna Nicole type thing, can be credited to growing up without a father or positive adult male influence?

*Positive adult male influence = grandpa, uncles, step dad, etc...

Not me, it doesn't matter who gives security and boundries to a child, be it single mother, two mothers or an aunt, as long as a loving home with rules (that are fairly upheld) is present it doesn't matter how many parental control units there nor their sex.

[Zyanya]

Who here thinks a lot of bad kids today are the way they are because they don't have a father or positive adult male influence in their life?

Anyone who is inherently sexist. Don't think there are any though.

[blas87]

I never wrote this with the intention of bashing single parents......I just wondered if it could have any correlation to the way kids have started acting out so young, with so many divorced families and deadbeat dads and whatnot...

[Amethyst Hunter]

There are a lot of factors that can make kids turn bad. I think it's more a combination of those than any one single which tends to be the norm. As others have pointed out, some kids turn out just fine despite the lack of either parent. One must also take into account things like:

- the environment in which the child is raised (i.e., a kid from a ghetto block is gonna have a harder time of it than a kid from a white-bread suburb. Not that drugs and crime and crap like that can't exist in such a suburb, just that they're a lot less open about it than a ghetto is)

- the quality of parenting skills given by whomever is the child's primary caretaker(s) (i.e., does the parent set reasonable boundaries and enforce them appropriately, or does the parent think babysitting means plopping the kid in front of the TV/internet?)

- peer influence (Never. Ever. Underestimate the power of peer pressure.)

Obviously the ideal would be to have both parents there and interested, but that can't always be an assumed given due to any number of circumstances (some of which are completely beyond one's control). Bottom line is as long as the child in question has one or more constant guardians who are involved in teaching them the things they need to know in order to lead a constructive life, that kid usually stands a better chance of turning out a decent human being.

[anriana]

Being as the traditional model for marriage was (and in some places still is) for men to give away their daughters to another, usually older man as soon as they hit breeding age, no, I don't think you can blame young sex on the lack of a father figure.


And a quick look at wiki shows ANS had a father figure (her mother's second husband) for most of her childhood. Besides, doesn't everyone think she married that older guy for money, not daddy issues?

[Slytovhand]

Yeah... as Amethyst was saying, there's a lot of factors involved.

I'm inclined to go with that, and also what you're saying Blas... but extend it further. Not just the father (nor the mother either) - but a whole stack of positive figures in all areas of life...

Or at the very least, 1 really fantastic person in a child's life that really stands out to them. Kids really respect 'strength' - although how that is interpreted is what really matters. It would be great if that person (or persons) was the parent/s, or at least a close family friend. But if they're seeing 'strength' in the form of the local bully, then the kid is going to turn out bad. If they see 'strength' in the form of the local sports hero.. who does drugs, breaks laws etc, then don't expect to see them stay away from such things.

Which is why I have issues with a lot of the TV stuff... Bart Simpson is a childhood hero to kids... so how are kids taking this on??

Slyt

[Zyanya]

Just a few generations ago, kids were working in the coal mines.

Perhaps we can assign the blame for 'kids going bad' to no longer working them half to death for little to no pay?

Kids have been screwed up throughout time.

Alexander the Great was throwing goblets of wine at his father's head when he was 16, and went on to (allegedly) help arrange the assassination of his father at age 20.

[smileyeagle1021]

I'd say that there needs to be positive role models in every childs life... doesn't necassarily have to be a father though, I grew up with my mother and grandmother and I'd say for the most part I came out ok. I'd argue that in several cases it might be better for the father to be gone than there (sorry, but if you are a deadbeat who will teach your kid to be a deadbeat, do the right thing and get the hell out).

[Shangri-laschild]

It's amazing what a positive role model of any gender can do for a child. But the kid also has to be willing to listen to it. I've met people who have tons of wonderful people there who want to help them and teach them and instead they want to learn it all for themselves. My sister is like that. She refuses to learn from anyone else's mistakes or lessons and has to do it all for herself. We were raised in a family with a mom and a dad who very rairly argue and who I've never ever heard raise their voices at each other. We had a strong church support structure full of people we could always turn to. Sometimes it's just how the kid is. This isn't an excuse. I still hold my sister accountable for the messes she gets into.

My best friend J and his brother didn't grow up with a positive male influence in the dad role. Most of their lives there wasn't even anyone in the dad role. One of J's teachers took him in and taught him a lot and helped him. I still think that between his teacher and his mom, it's his mom who really really instilled being a gentleman and a good person into him. Good role models in and out of the house are very important though.

[McDreidel09]

I agree with many people here. It's not WHO is in your life. It's who you choose to be. My parents have been divorced since I was in first grade and my dad moved away when I was in eighth. I haven't seen him in years and he barely calls, but makes the child support payments. I live with my single mom and sister. My mom has to work alot to make ends meet, but had help from my grandparents. I have made mistakes in my life. I tried smoking, have been drunk (funnily enough my dad was right there for that one), and had sex by the age of fourteen (I was in love with the guy I gave my virginity to when I was fourteen, so pleaes don't judge me.). My relationships with guys haven't been the greatest. Yet, I am in the top percentile of my class, am in advanced classes, have a job I'm doing so well in and getting a promotion, I'm very focused on my school, what college I will go to, and my future career. I help my mom out by taking care of the house and our pets and even have an active role in raising my little sister (who is not turning out bad at all.).

Do the parents I have affect that stuff? Not really. I did all of that on my own. I do what feels right to me. I feel right doing well in school,working, helping, and being a huge influence on my sister. In the end, it's who I want to be, it's who I choose to be. Every human has a free will. If I were to go by my family, I would be a pregnant high school dropout on welfare, but I choose to hold off babies until after I get married and have a stable career.For the first (usually) seventeen years of your life, you are under your guardian's roof. You do as they want you to, but once you step out into the real world, you are truly your own person and make your own choices.

Whew. Sorry that was so long.

[tropicsgoddess]

My SO's parents divorced when he was really young and since then, his father never kept in contact with him and his mother, let alone send any child support. He's turned out to be a decent man while being raised by a single mother. To me, it's all on how the child is raised is how they will turn out. Not having both the father and mother in the child's life doesn't mean that the child will turn out to be a bad egg.