Documenting a relative's illness on Facebook

[LadyBarbossa]

We know a family who, for the past few months, has been dealing with brain cancer in their mother/grandmother. I understand that this is an extremely painful and difficult time for them, but sometimes I'm embarrassed for them and especially for Nana as well. Her daughter and granddaughter's statuses have, for this entire time, been almost exclusively about Nana and her cancer. How they are waiting for the doctor every morning, watching a movie together, going to bed, snuggling. But these updates are also heavily peppered with what seems to be their amusement at Nana's decreased mental capacity and how cute they think it is. Instead of turning the pages on magazines, she rips them out to continue reading. Or will suddenly be onset with hunger (appetite is a GOOD thing, though) and demand Burger King or Taco Bell. There are also MASSIVE amounts of pictures of Nana in her nightgown, Nana without her hair, Nana lying sick with an oxygen mask on a stretcher. I've been out with Nana a few times, and I remember her as a sharp, witty woman who whistled and cat-called for almost the entirety of Wolverine: Origins because she's shamelessly hot for Hugh Jackman. I just don't think it's respectful to her to be posting all of this medical information and pictures of her looking ill and half-dressed. I certainly wouldn't want pictures of me in my nightgown at the hospital being uploaded to Facebook, in any case. Keep my closer friends updated every now and then, sure, but not this.

Maybe it's just me overreacting, but I've just started to feel uncomfortable with the amount of sharing these people are doing and what Nana would think if she were in her right mind and knew about it.

[bara]

That just seems sick to me.

[protege]

That just seems sick to me.

Sick? No, that's pretty fucked up! Who the hell would do something like that...and to someone who isn't in control of their own functions?

I can understand wanting to spend time with someone who is dying. You don't know when they're going to die. No problem here. But, I can't understand just *why* you'd want to photograph things like that. I mean, why remember someone who you love dearly...in a totally humiliating situation that they have no control of?

Some of you know that I was very close to my maternal grandmother. For 35 years, I was always at her house. She spoiled the hell out of me (first grandchild), and my parents lived the closest. So I got to know her the best. I even lived with her during college, and spent most weekends helping her out--taking her shopping, washing the car, planting flowers on the family graves on Memorial Day, etc.

So when she started having health issues, it was hard to see her like that. This was a woman who had survived a horrible auto accident, but still took care of everyone--family, friend, and stranger alike. I was with her when she fell in her house, I was with her when her eyesight started failing, I was with her when she couldn't remember where she was, and I was with her when she had her stroke...and said goodbye 2 days before she passed away

Even though I saw her slowly dying in front of me, I don't remember her like that. I remember her as the strong, kind, independent woman...with a feisty temper if you pissed her off I remember her calling to talk to her grandchildren, for no reason at all. Now she's with her husband (Grandpa died about 22 years previously), and is at peace.

[Panacea]

I've read any number of blogs written by people who are dying of this, that or the other. They are trying to cope with a terrible disease, and decide to document their struggles to try and 1) make sense of what is happening to them, 2) stay goal oriented on survival, 3) leave a legacy for friends and family, or 4) try and give hope and inspiration to others with the same disease.

If Nana knew about the Facebook stuff and approved, then she might be OK with some of what's on there, and not OK with other stuff. Someone should tell the family they may not be presenting the picture of Nana they want to present.

In this case it seems like a wannabe attempt at reality TV.

[LadyBarbossa]

Oh, early on, when the first picture of Nana in a stretcher in the ER showed up, someone did gently remind granddaughter that she might not appreciate it, and GD said she's sure Nana wouldn't mind as long as she gets the prayers. Even since I've first posted this thread, she's gone back into the ER (has been undergoing treatments at a cancer facility/lodge during the weekdays for the last few months), and there is another picture of her lying in the hospital bed, asleep, without her wig on. Is this really necessary?

I just have a feeling that despite the treatments and best efforts of her medical team, Nana isn't going to make it, and this is how hundreds of friends and acquaintances are going to remember her forever, rather than the spunky lady we used to go out for movies and ice cream with.

[BrenDAnn]

I've been there, with my mother, when pancreatic cancer took her from my family and me. I would never, EVER have put such photos up of my mother. I can't imagine why anyone would. Coping? Maybe. Who knows? It just screams 'WRONG' to me, very loudly and clearly. Let the poor woman have some dignity, especially with everything else she's dealing with!

[blas87]

I have already threatened to honest to God deadly force injure anyone who would take pictures or make posts in gory detail of anything of me in being ill or in a hospital or in childbirth or surgery.

On the flip side, my mom made a lot of posts regarding my brother's recent stint at the hospital with his appendix issue, but there were no pictures or gory details of the tube he had flushing out the infection. Everything was done in a more social matter, to inform and involve family that couldn't be there to visit or who wouldn't have otherwise known.

[Panacea]

I just have a feeling that despite the treatments and best efforts of her medical team, Nana isn't going to make it, and this is how hundreds of friends and acquaintances are going to remember her forever, rather than the spunky lady we used to go out for movies and ice cream with.

Saying Nana "wouldn't mind" isn't the same thing as Nana giving consent. And this endeavor sounds like it has moved out of bounds. But there's probably nothing you can do about it.

Has your family considered hospice care? Anyone can make a hospice referral; it does not have to be the primary caregiver or the doctor who does so.

[LadyBarbossa]

It's not my relative, just a family we used to go to church with. They got bad news last night though, the chemo and radiation were unsuccessful and may have worsened the cancer, and there's nothing that can be done now. They're currently trying to see if they can get home hospice so she can be comfortable and with family until she passes. Really sucks, being so close to Christmas and all. But I still think it sucks that I've virtually watched this woman, who is my mother's age, deteriorate via the internet and she probably had no idea that 600+ other people did, too.

[Panacea]

That really is terrible

I'm so sorry. I hope they are able to get her into hospice.