What's the deal with sex?

[Norton]

Nah, it's not just about satisfying an urge. Personally, I can satisfy myself better than any man can satisfy me, but I still prefer sex to masturbation. Sex is a mutual pleasure. The feeling that you are pleasuring your partner while being pleasured yourself is no comparison to masturbation.

Holy crap, sex is a complicated thing...

You got that right!

Someone once told me that "Sometimes sex can mean nothing, and sometimes, it's everything".

I've had emotionless sex before. It's not bad, but nothing like having sex with someone you truly love.

[Greenday]

Well, coming from a guy, I can give you the simple version.

My hand, does not nearly feel as good, as certain orifices on a female. So on a physical level, there's the reason for sex over masturbation.

[McDreidel09]

I say that if sex wasn't supposed to be done for fun, then why was it made to feel so darn good?

I was kinda young when I gave up my virginity, but the experience was just the same. I was in love with the person and they loved me. For once, I felt so close to someone and felt so beautiful. It was one of the most amazing experiences in my life. After experiencing sex quite a few times, masturbation did not feel as good. It didn't feel good at all for me and then I became kinda bitchy after a while.

I do not believe that anyone has a right to say what one can do with their body. If they want to get an abortion, they should be able to (I wouldn't, however). If they want to do certain sexual acts, no-one should tell them that they are wrong. As a society, I think we should be a bit more open about sex (kinda like the Japanese). I believe that if we were a bit more open about the subject, we could reduce the number of stds and teenage pregnancies.

Sorry for rambling. Hopefully this gave you insight on some people's thinking.

[Zyanya]

It just amazes me, honestly amazes me, how ANGRY people can get at the very thought of not being able to have sex whenever they want. Some of the harshest arguments I've seen here and elsewhere are over someone taking control of "in the bedroom," and not just so far as reproductive rights.)

What sports do you like? How about baseball, is that a good enough example?

There is a time and place for baseball, and we can all agree on some basic rights and wrongs regarding the sport - don't play in someone's yard without their permission, if you hit a ball through someone's window you should take responsibility, you shouldn't play baseball in a grocery store, that kind of thing.

Now, let's say I have a real problem with baseball. So I start passing little laws to make playing baseball seem a bad thing. Some of them are understandable and even you would support them. Hell, they are customs you've always followed anyway, so nothing wrong with codifying them into rules. Don't play baseball with kids that are too young to play, that kind of thing.

Then I start to take it further. Don't play baseball in the street, even if it's a rural lane and maybe one or two cars a day use it. Baseball trading cards are disgusting and should be made very difficult to get, if not illegal. I make it harder to play baseball safely by making it hard, if not impossible, to purchase baseball gloves, pads, shoes, helmets, etc... I even ban you from teaching people the rules of baseball. And I fine TV stations tons of money for showing baseball on TV.

But I don't stop there. No no, I'm nowhere near done yet. See, I think certain types of baseball are acceptable. So I pass a law saying when you play baseball, both teams must be made up of all girls or all boys. No mixed-gender games. And you must use bats of a specific size. And softballs only. No chocking up on the bat either. And if you don't have enough bases, no substituting paper plates or flat rocks. And if you don't have a baseball bat and use a stick or 'heaven forbid', a tennis racket, you are just a sicko. That's not how baseball was meant to be.

And no, I don't care that it's in your own backyard. You want to play baseball, you do it by my rules. Your team must be registered, and once registered, you can only play with those teammates.



So, assuming you are a baseball fan, at what point would you say, 'DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK? Why do you care who I play baseball with as long as I'm not playing it in the grocery store or your front lawn? Get over yourself, you busy-body bitch!'

[Amethyst Hunter]

It just amazes me, honestly amazes me, how ANGRY people can get at the very thought of not being able to have sex whenever they want. Some of the harshest arguments I've seen here and elsewhere are over someone taking control of "in the bedroom," and not just so far as reproductive rights.

Admittedly, I've never had sex, so I don't know anything about it. So, I guess I'm just curious about what it is about sex that's so wonderful and tremendous that people are willing to scream and claw and fight over it.

I've read all the "it's a way to express love" and "consummating relationships" and whatnot and that sounds all well and good. But just as many people fly in a rage over the idea of not being able to just, for lack of a better phrase, screw around willy-nilly, which to me is less of a way of expressing love and more of a way to satisfy a basic animal urge...when it seems to me (translation: CASUAL OPINION) it'd be so much more less complicated to just, er, do it yourself?

Is it just instinct to be defensive of the reproductive act (you know, like two animals fighting over the same female for the right to pass on their genes), or is there something more to it?

I can somewhat relate to this myself, as, like you, I've never had sex either and don't get some of the "HOMG IT'S SO AWESOME!!!!!1eleventy" hype. My take on sex is a little bit like yours. But I also understand that to some people, it IS Teh Awesome and that's cool. Pizza and chocolate are Teh Awesome - for *me*. I've met people who didn't like either/both, and their dislike seemed just as alien to me as my love for both of those foods must seem to them.

Greenday put it right when he said that it boils down to people not liking others to dictate their personal choices for them. I wouldn't engage in casual sex for personal reasons, but as long as no one else is getting hurt, they can do what they want so long as it doesn't affect or involve me. As long as you're not having sex with non-consenting adults, children, animals, or dead bodies (because dude, some things are just universally and unequivocally WRONG), I don't care what goes on or off in your bedroom and it's none of my business. And I certainly have no right** to try to pass bullshit laws that do nothing to address the real sources of sex-related problems (abuse, unwanted pregnancy, STDs, etc.) just because I find a particular act or related object personally unappealing.

As far as the religious aspect of it goes, the way I see it, if premarital sex really is a sin, God (if there is one) will deal with it in his own way. The Bible pretty much tells us that we're to worry about our own crap, not go looking for the messes in other people's backyards.

Reproductive rights are such a heated issue because they're inevitably tied in with sex. Let's face it, women got the shit end of the stick when it comes to the physical biology. Authoritarian types (i.e., the self-proclaimed 'Religious Right') know this and take advantage of it to try and control women, not out of an animalistic 'protect-my-own-genes' instinct but because they're raging misogynistic assholes who get off on making other people's lives miserable.






((** = Technically speaking, I COULD attempt to get laws passed regulating such things because as a free citizen, it's my Constitutional right to petition my government. But morally, no - doing so would just make me an asshole of the lowest order.))

[anriana]

Holy crap, sex is a complicated thing...

Yep. That's part of what makes it so fun!

Bondage, though, isn't? Having someone tied up and unable to do anything isn't about control (sometimes being reduced to only being able to flinch and/or moan in response, depending on the level of bondage)?

There are multiple types of bondage. Japanese, suspension bondage, and self-bondage can be more about looking pretty/giving pleasurable sensations than control. Hence, bondage is not strictly about control.

Sadism and masochism: I agree they're not directly about control, though I do feel they are closely related.

Infliction of pain. The recipient either must allow it to happen, or have it forced on him/her. The Sadist is in control. Definitely related.

Masochism is about the reception of pain. Again, the release of control.

That's like saying oral sex is about control because one party is giving up control over their genitalia to the other. Pain (in a kinky context) is just an additional sensation to play with and is not inherently tied to control.

The best example I've seen illustrating how s/m is not about control is this:
you can have a dominant masochist and a submissive sadist where the maso says "hurt me more slave" and the sadist says "yes sir/ma'am!" It's a funny mental picture and an unusual combination, but an effective demonstration.

Sounds to me very much like control is very much a part of all aspects of what you have mentioned.

Sounds to me like you still don't "understand the BDSM mindset." I see a need to quote myself. Please feel free to re-read my response, which you seem to have ignored. You'll see that it is unedited from when I hit submit. (I can be condescending too, isn't it fun?)

People who participate in [power play] don't have sex as a means to give/receive control; we have sex where we give up/take control because we want to show love/trust to our partner or because it's enjoyable.

Again, it's not a separate spectrum from love or fun or trust (and I've always thought it takes far more trust to have kinky sex with someone than vanilla), it's not a simliar spectrum to rape, it is exactly like vanilla sex but spicier. I don't care if you understand that or not, or even if you continue to go around saying that rape and bdsm are similar but not really so no one should dare be offended, I'm just annoyed that you appropriated a BDSM phrase without understanding it.

[Dreamstalker]

Infliction of pain. The recipient either must allow it to happen, or have it forced on him/her. The Sadist is in control. Definitely related.

The submissive is ultimately always in control in S/M, not so with rape.

In any BDSM relationship, there is a contract in some fashion; the dominant knows what the submissive will and will not tolerate, and if they're smart will not cross those lines unless the sub wants to (some subs will, in the course of a relationship, decide they want to break down some of the boundaries they used to have). If that line is crossed with an unwilling submissive, the entire community generally knows quickly and the dominant 's "career" is over.

Rapists couldn't care less what the victim wants and will take what they want how they want because they want it and have no self-control at all.

Find and read SM 101 by Jay Wiseman for a solid background.

[Dreamstalker]

Nah, but...as a creature of a far too logical mind (think Vulcan), it just seems that if one is having sex only to satisfy the urge, it would be a lot less painful and more efficient to just handle it yourself rather than dragging another person into the equation.

I hear ya...I used to think the same thing (and still do, even after having sex a few times...does that make me weird?).

Eh, humans are insane. There's your problem.

[anriana]

I hear ya...I used to think the same thing (and still do, even after having sex a few times...does that make me weird?).

Eh, humans are insane. There's your problem.

No, it means either you had sex with a bad partner or you aren't interested in the social aspects of sex.

[AFPheonix]

Some of the anger for me is the kind of snooty attitude that comes when people advocate abstinence for all women if they don't want pregnancy.

I rather like sex. It feels good. Why should I deny myself and my husband just because someone has a funky moral hangup about sex? I frankly don't. Everyone has different comfort levels regarding sex. Some of it can be religion based. Should all people be held to one group's expectations regarding sex, especially if that group tends to be a lot more restrictive? No, they shouldn't. Especially in this day and age when we know so much more about the potential dangers and have various ways of circumventing some of those dangers.

http://net-burst.net/sexuality/

For example, some of the morons who've written into this (admittedly virginal) sex advice person think that manually pleasuring your wife is against the rules of the bible because that's how lesbians get each other off. Should we be forced to follow their rules?

[Slytovhand]

I hears ya, Mysty.

I've had my sex (not MiSex, btw ), and wouldn't mind a bit more... but it does amaze me how so much of human's lives are spent going on about it - how damn important it seems to be on a social level.

How do we determine whether a person has had a 'successful' life or not? By finding out if they've married and had kids yet. (yeah - there's the other materials aspects as well...). But if you see someone you haven't met in years on the street (or those wonderful Class Reunions) - what's one of the big questions you ask?? "Married? Kids??"

40 years old and haven't done the long term relationships?? "hey - what's wrong with you??"

You get my picture.

To me - it just shows that humans are still animals. Especially when the 22 year old guy I work with goes on that he's just cheated on his girlfriend... no remorse, no guilt, and I wonder why he chooses to be with her and not the other girl then..??? But he's admitted he's addicted to sex ("hey - I'm a 22 year old guy... I"m supposed to be).

What I do find interesting, and I'd be slightly interested to hear other people's thoughts on this in here as part of the discussion - is why is celibacy considered a fairly important aspect of spirituality?

[the_std]

Well... When you're satisfied, you tend not to question things, or think deep thoughts. You kind of just go on with your life, because obviously it's giving you the things you need to make you happy. Take away one of those things (sex), and you're more likely to turn somewhere else for that comfort and fulfillment. Religion can fill that gap.

Or it's about religion controlling the lives of the religious. I dunno.

[anriana]

What I do find interesting, and I'd be slightly interested to hear other people's thoughts on this in here as part of the discussion - is why is celibacy considered a fairly important aspect of spirituality?

Well, as you said, humans tend to spend a large amount of energy on it. Celibacy forces you to stop focusing on the wants of the flesh and start focusing on more spiritual things (that is, once you learn how to get over horniness, I'm assuming.) Personally, I can say that I think about sex way more now that I'm currently sexually active.

For example, some of the morons who've written into this (admittedly virginal) sex advice person think that manually pleasuring your wife is against the rules of the bible because that's how lesbians get each other off. Should we be forced to follow their rules?

Hahahahahaha. Oh my god, that is the most hilarious attempt of reasoning against non-PinV sex I've ever heard. I normally try not to mock other people's religious beliefs, but seriously? Do they know that sometimes (but only when in a rare non-debauchorous mood) lesbians kiss and hold hands? Better not do that either, because the Scriptural laws written by Godly men with deep knowledge of lesbian sexuality clearly say to avoid it.

[AFPheonix]

Hahahahahaha. Oh my god, that is the most hilarious attempt of reasoning against non-PinV sex I've ever heard. I normally try not to mock other people's religious beliefs, but seriously? Do they know that sometimes (but only when in a rare non-debauchorous mood) lesbians kiss and hold hands? Better not do that either, because the Scriptural laws written by Godly men with deep knowledge of lesbian sexuality clearly say to avoid it.

A lot of that link is positively jaw-dropping and depressing at the same time. I can't imagine being in a marital partnership with someone who is that selfish and is that willing to grasp at straws to keep from giving me the same pleasure I give him.

[ArenaBoy]

On a social level, it's treated like a pay per view wrestling match and then there's so many hilarious things tied into sex on said social level that it's just amusing.

As for the way I view it, yeah, a lot of people do it, but just indulge in it discreetly.