Suicidal taboo

[RecoveringKinkoid]

IDrinkARum, have you told your husband what you just told us?

[IDrinkaRum]

RK - I've tried. Lord knows I have. I either do it in a joking type of way: "Kelly loves you for some odd reason, even if you do ignore her" or I end up yelling at him because I'm so frustrated.

He did tell me that if I wanted to change our home phone #, get it unpublished & not tell his or my mother, then I'm allowed to.

On Mother's Day, my mom, dad, sister, sister's husband & their daughter went to a local restaurant that gives mothers free meals. My mom called and said that the restaurant wasn't crowded and I should come down with hubs & child. I said okay, where are you sitting? Turns out, I got called after my mom and the gang went to said restaurant and they were leaving. Mom volunteered to watch daughter. I so upset, I told my mom to forget it and why on earth would I want to go there? Know what? Just typing that has made me cry again.

I'm the anchor, the rock, the one who has to always be strong because I'm the one who gets piled on. Because of all my mental health issues, it shows I'm human and that can't be right, right?

I can't clean with my daughter around - literally. She's scared to death of the vacuum cleaner (she runs hides & screams). And I can't pull out any types of cleaners (from Lysol wipes to furniture polish to anything else) because my daughter wants to taste them. Yes, that's right. I don't think she has PICA (the mental disorder that makes its sufferers want to eat non edible items like dirt), but I've had to call Poison Control because she's bitten into an Electrosol gel pak and just 2 weeks ago, she opened her father's deodorant and ran it over her tongue. My mother says I have to keep a better eye on her. But really, other than shadowing her 24/7, what else can I do?

And it's wearing me down. And I want to leave. Up and leave. Give no forwarding address. My husband can sue for divorce on grounds of abandonment, but then I worry about Kelly & so I stay. I've given up writing again. And it frustrates me.

And I'm sorry if this post is too long and too personal, but really, I have no one to talk to other than my therapist & I haven't seen him in almost 2 months.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Rum, it's not too long or too personal. I asked because I care.

I know that everyone here is just a name on a computer screen, and not even a real name at that, but every single one of those names is connected to a real person.

I really don't have any real advice that won't sound lame. I can't speak from experience here. But your husband needs to understand fully where you are coming from.

Sit him down. No joking, no yelling. Don't do it when you or he is angry. Just sit him down and lay it all out for him. Tell him his marriage and his family is in jepordy. It is. Tell him you are overwhelmed and depressed and isolated and you need some help and understanding from him. You don't need to be ignored by him so he can go play his games. It hurts you and your daughter that he ignores her. That' not being a father and it's not being a husband.

He might be feeling overwhelmed by the challenge of having a special needs child, too, but so do you and it's not fair you are the one who has to carry that load with no help from him. If the both of you are overwhelmed together, maybe it won't be so overwhelming to either of you.

And while this is not something I have experience with either, maybe both of you could talk to a therapist together. Maybe a support group for parents with special needs children. Anything. They are out there. If he won't go, go alone. You really need an outlet for this.

Don't expect better out of your mom. She is what she is. Don't let her comments hurt you (easier said than done, I know) but understand that she isn't someone who's opinions are worth anything, so don't give them more relevance in your life than they deserve. The cousin I grew up with is in the exact situation you are in...her mother is about the same as yours. It sucks. But her mother (also my cousin) is frankly a fucking idiot. I love her, but there you go. I dont' make her out to be what she isn't. She's a fucking idiot that I happen to love,so I just expect her to be what she is and I'm never disappointed. . I know that's a bit harder when it's your own mom, but you have to stop letting her comments cut you. Minimize your contact with her until you get yourself into a less vulnerable place. If she asks why, tell her only if you want to. You dont' owe her.

As for cleaning, back when I was flat broke and living in a rotting trailer in the sticks, I cleaned everything with cheap vinegar. Smelled a little funky, but won't put your kid in the ER if she drinks it. Works fine. It think I might say something to the Mr, also. He doen'st have time to play games if his house looks like that. He's a grown ass man, time to be one. He lives there, too.

[protege]

If you are going to seek help, get it from someone you can trust and can actually help you.

That's another problem. Some of us, especially those who have been screwed over or treated like shit by most people...aren't exactly trusting. I've learned not to trust people for that very reason. I know it sounds selfish and paranoid, but I have to look after my own interests.

That was why I couldn't get the help I needed years ago. Well, that and my parents were too busy fawning over my younger brothers... Anyway, there was a peer counseling program at my high school. I didn't attend that, simply because I didn't want my mental health broadcast all over school.

About that time, one of my best friends, said that if I ever needed to talk, she'd listen. I never did...mainly because of my trust issues, and I wasn't sure if she could handle it. I mean, would she get upset over it? Some people say that they'll "be there" but once I'd start talking about that sort of thing, they quickly find other things to do. Unfortunate, but true.

[DesignFox]

I know I'm no therapist, and I probably don't have all the answers...or maybe even any answers. But, if anyone here is hurting, my PM box is open. I am a good listener if nothing else... Even though I don't know the vast majority of you as anything other than a name on screen, I'm here! Lord knows the few times I've needed an outlet, everyone on CS has been there for me!

And Greenday, you have my AIM, too. Just drop me a line if you need a friend.

[AFPheonix]

That's another problem. Some of us, especially those who have been screwed over or treated like shit by most people...aren't exactly trusting. I've learned not to trust people for that very reason. I know it sounds selfish and paranoid, but I have to look after my own interests.

That was why I couldn't get the help I needed years ago. Well, that and my parents were too busy fawning over my younger brothers... Anyway, there was a peer counseling program at my high school. I didn't attend that, simply because I didn't want my mental health broadcast all over school.

About that time, one of my best friends, said that if I ever needed to talk, she'd listen. I never did...mainly because of my trust issues, and I wasn't sure if she could handle it. I mean, would she get upset over it? Some people say that they'll "be there" but once I'd start talking about that sort of thing, they quickly find other things to do. Unfortunate, but true.

And that to me is really sad. Like I said before, I can only really comment on the examples I've personally experienced in my family. You still have options though. I've learned, whether I ever wanted to or not just by being an advocate for my BIL, that there are a lot of counselling options (at least in my area) that are low cost or free. They are like every other health provider and are bound by HIPPA. They cannot broadcast your condition to anyone. If anything, these types of places tend to err on the side of caution as far as patient privacy goes.
Hope this helps some of you out there.

[protege]

At the time, many of those options simply weren't available. Sure, there were counseling programs, but how could I pay for them then? How would I get there without a car--get my mother to drive me? Sure, I could see that happening. Both of my parents practically ignored things. They'd go on about how "things weren't that bad." All of my problems were imaginary.

That was, until my junior year of high school. I finally got the help I needed--several teachers noticed something was up, mainly because I didn't seem to care any more. My parents *finally* got it through their heads that something was wrong with me. Took well over 10 years for them to open their fucking eyes. All those years, I struggled. I can't *ever* forgive them for that!

I will say this though--it's made me much stronger. Not so much physically, but mentally. As much as my job sucks, I've literally outlasted everyone. Seriously, I'm the ultimate survivor

I do know that quite a few smart people have mental issues. I've been called a "genius" bv some people, mainly because I did well on the intelligence tests. Of course that made things worse--my parents soon gave me shit about it. What can I say, other than school was boring? My problem at school...simply was that I wasn't being challenged enough. I've said this before, but while everyone was reading about Dick, Jane, and Spot...I was busy reading about sports cars. (In fact, I taught myself to read...)

Do I feel like a genius? Hell no. I just happen to read a lot, and build things. Models, cars, Legos, trains...I love putting things together. I also like taking things apart to see how they work.

After all this crap, I haven't tried to let it slow me down. I guess what I'm trying to say that it *hasn't* beaten me yet. It can lead, follow...just as long as it gets the hell out of my way

[Amethyst Hunter]

After all this crap, I haven't tried to let it slow me down. I guess what I'm trying to say that it *hasn't* beaten me yet. It can lead, follow...just as long as it gets the hell out of my way

Heh, same here. I want a pair of steel-toed boots so I can kick its ass.

IDrinkRum - I second what RK said. This is one of the ways marriages implode on themselves. Not because of anything you did or didn't do, but because your partner isn't living up to his end of the deal to 'honor' - and honor includes being there for one's spouse when said spouse clearly needs help.

L (sorry, I forget how to spell your name) - I agree, coming to this board is kind of like a therapy. And it's (mostly) free.

My PM box is open too if anyone wants to chat. I'm also around most nights (and some days) on Yahoo messenger or AIM (just be sure to give me fair warning first so I don't think you're some random weirdo drive-by IMing me!)

[Slytovhand]

Sheesh guys... couldn't you all wait until I'm on here to have out your discussions????

I started seeing a counsellor cos she was one I chose to 'trust', because she was a lecturer of Counselling Psychology in my acupuncture course. We did a trade - my skills for hers. I knew I was broken in various ways, and had suspicions (still have suspicions.....) about stuff that may or may not have happened in my past. I trusted her, cos she admitted to being a bit broken too... she had been abused when younger by her uncle, and later in life, decided to let the cat out of the closet... her family has now shunned her completely (including her own daughter... seems blood is thicker than... people who are thick!)

Anyway, in chatting with her, she informed me that I had been living as a clinically depressed person for... oh, a decade or so beforehand. I'm sure some of you here know what that's about - daily suicide fantasies, looking at the train tracks and wondering if there was any real reason not to (yeah - what it would do to the train driver was one reason not to!) all that sort of stuff...

And my problem was that it was family that put me there...

While at work, it was obvious I wasn't in a good state of mental health, as evidenced by once months later when I didn't get a certain position I was after, it was explained to me why - I had a negative affect on people in some ways. Yeah - great going peoples!!!

Once, I chose to do the ending (hilltop in the bush, razors etc...) and left some stuff with a mate telling him he would know what to do when the time came. He got to it early, though, and was a bit worried. (I have various beliefs, and one reason for them came from that night... divine intervention, let's just say!). What came of that??? Nothing from my friends - I still had to deal with all my crap on my own... no-one gave any indication that they gave a rat's arse!

So what some here have said is very true - for some people!

Later in life (only a few years ago) I went through another bad spot due to my now ex..whom I worked with and gave me grief at work (I know - silly silly...). So I booked an appointment with our work counsellor (yay!)...only to get a call saying said ex was taking over the admin role for a few weeks...while I was going to be going up to see the counsellor...oh joy!


Now... I personally find some of those suicide fantasies very cathartic..(who came up with that word???). Only a couple of months ago, I did a nice very visual imagination of jumping off the local bridge (I don't like the pain thing...)... and then went to sleep - and woke up feeling absolutely great

Suicide is a way for a human to get out of a situation without a lot of effort and pain. It's not saying "I want to die", it's actually just saying "I don't want to live with things the way they currently are, and I don't see much changing..."

I am currently exploring scientology - after having been exposed to it previously, and finding some quite EFFECTIVE techniques which do help, that and other things* - and part of stresses communication (well, actually, all of it stresses communication - just in different ways). One technique is about writing letters - but 2-way instead of just 1-way. Write a letter as if it were going to the person concerned. Then write a letter as if it came from that person saying the sort of stuff you need to get from them.. and keep going back and forth til you get some sort of effect out of it.

There's other stuff as well, but I won't go into it...

But... suicide is a way to get one out of a situation.. permanently. Which is something that other attempts to find a solution to the problem don't offer. It just so happens that this particular one has a rather significant side-effect.. particularly on other people left behind (presuming they do actually care, and it does actually affect them. For me, I'd have maybe half a dozen ppl really hurt, and a couple wondering what to do with my gear and the debts I owe - but I'm single...).

And I believe in reincarnation (another reason not to do it... it'd only waste time...)

But this thread seems to be helping people get stuff off chests, and I like some of the posts that various ppl on here have made in the past - enough to want to go beyond just a funny name on a screen So...I'm here too, to PM... or just to read through your stuff and you can have a reply that says you've been heard! Hey... it would at least appear as though you 'trust' us more than you trust other people around you - make use of us (we like to be used..)

Life wasn't meant to be fair... it was meant to be what you make of it.

(and, as a last thought... if you're willing to 'throw away' your life with everything else you're trying to remove from it, why not just walk away and go live somewhere else? Ok..guilt... and??? So - ppl may think worse of you - so what? At least you've got a chance to do some repairs later - suicide doesn't give you that option)













* - big note here... I in ABSOLUTELY NO WAY endorse getting mixed up with the official cult of scientolgy. There's a massive difference between what is given as the techniques, and what the official church will do and say... and sometimes, force people into or reduce them to! pls see the thread Tom Cruise's religion for my posts on that stuff... The Freezone, on the other hand, is some good stuff...PM me if you're interested (or think I'm a loon, and want proof either way )

[Lace Neil Singer]

I still stand by my views on the topic... and hopefully no-one here will try to suggest that I don't know anything about the despair that people go thru when they get to that point. As I posted earlier, I certainly have gone thru both despair caused by constant bullying and clinical depression; tho, I had a safety valve that helped to let out some of the pain. In other words, self harm. I'll start a new topic so as not to derail this one tho.

[Flyndaran]

Why is everyone assuming that depression is the only reason for suicide?
Any horrific fear or pain can lead to killing oneself.

There are quite a few situations in which I can imagine myself where death would be far preferable.
I suffered severe depression when I young. But by far the worst feelings I ever had involved a monster anxiety attack that lasted 9 days.
I can say without hestation that if that week plus was my normal, then I would kill myself, and f*ck anyone that dared to call me names.

Everyone has limits, and it is not "your" right to tell me what mine are.

[suchislife2]

This is the reason why I love my fiance so much. In fact the very reason I said yes.

He at first thought suicide was a selfish act. Something done and threatened simply to gain attention.

Till he met me. He found out I had attempted it once, what depression really meant. How you feel so completely hopeless and worthless. How you can be in a crowded room and feel totally alone.

I had his love, the love of my family and friends yet still felt like crap. He ended up researching suicide and depression to find out more, and encouraged me to see someone and get medication to help.

he's been my rock.

Till you have a family member try/do it or you try/feel it yourself I don't think it's possible to comprehend the feelings that come with suicidal thoughts.

If that makes sense.

[Arcade Man D]

Till you have a family member try/do it or you try/feel it yourself I don't think it's possible to comprehend the feelings that come with suicidal thoughts.

The family member thing is why I don't subscribe to the "coward" or "selfish" theories, myself.


My younger brother never actually got to attempting, but one day, while I was heading out to job hunt (I was trying to get a summer job while in high school), he just came up to me, and told me how he was really feeling.

He and I were really close back then (now, not so much, but due to other reasons, like him being an immature asshole most of the time and telling racist jokes, but he's still my brother, in the end) and while he joked about a lot of things, he wouldn't joke about that. Luckily, when I called our mom, she told her boss, left work, and came right home, so nothing actually came of it.

[Seshat]

I'm desperate to get out of this body.

I'm in constant severe pain - pain severe enough that it's not much additional pain to put me in shock from it. I know, been there, done that.

I'm also anhedonic - I have to actually concentrate and focus to notice pleasure. Not just 'stop and smell the roses', but stop, stare at the rose, smell it carefully, and really do some mental work to actually notice 'oh yeah, there's a tiny bit of pleasure there'.

I've spoken to five different psychiatrists, three other therapists, and over a dozen doctors, not including the specialists.

My blood relatives are just as dismissive as the other blood relatives people mention in this thread.

I have a plan that includes using a hotel with CCTV cameras in the hallway (so the police can determine easily that yes, it's suicide) and a big sign just inside the room telling the cleaning staff NOT to come in but to go to the police instead. And yes, the plan leaves a tidy corpse, so the coroner & his team have minimal problems. And the will I'd use includes an allowance for the hotel to make up for the loss of income.
I can't avoid leaving some sort of problem for the cleanup team, but I can minimise it.


However, three things keep me from doing it.

1. No method I've found is certain. And all of them have a serious risk of adding yet more injury/disability to my existing load.

2. My husband and my best friend care enough that they really would suffer.
(The rest of my family? They'd feel guilty, they'd miss getting my presents at Christmas and on their birthdays, and life would go on unchanged. They honestly show no signs of caring about me any other time, so my death wouldn't change anything.)
(Friends? Not very many, none who I can think of who'd have anything more than a few hours of regret.)

3. My husband and my best friend are certain that with enough bullying of doctors, they can actually give me enough treatment to improve my quality of life to a point that I actually have quality of life.
They also put a great deal of thought, effort and energy into improving my quality of life themselves. THAT is love. And out of respect for that love, I stick around.


But if they died in a car accident or something, I'd stick around long enough to tidy up after the three of us, and no longer.

Life is pain. Pure physical pain, physical torment. Add in emotional torment and a near-total lack of pleasure, and what is there to stick around FOR? A family that ignores me? Screw that. If they think I should continue to live in torture just because they don't believe I'm in pain, and 'it's selfish to suicide', then they are the selfish ones.

So yeah. I'm hanging around for the people who have shown that they love me. While I'm here, I'll try to get some worthwhile things done, make the world a bit better for me having been here. Once those people are gone, though, I'm outta here and abandoning this worthless waste of flesh of a body.