Fair Divorce?

[Caractacus_Potts]

New to fratching. The deadbeat dad thread got me thinking about a couple of friends and their divorce.

They were married for 11 years and have two children that were 8 and 6 at the time of the split. The husband is college educated and has a career in the medical industry that earns him over 100K/year take home. The wife has a GED and has been a stay at home mom for nine years (since just before the first child was born).

The wife finds emails to and from her husband’s high school sweetheart. The wife also finds out that an upcoming trip her husband was going to take to visit relatives was actually a hook-up with the old girlfriend and that the husband has been sending the old girlfriend money. There is a huge fight. Things are broken, things are thrown and the police are called. Although there was admittedly no physical violence or injury the police remove the wife from the house and issue a temporary restraining order which is converted to a 12 month restraining order.

The husband is given temporary custody of the children, hires a lawyer and files for divorce. The wife is on the street, has not had a job for nine years and has no access to any of the family finances (savings, checking, retirement, etc.) as the husband has all accounts in his name. She spends the months before the divorce hearing living on friends couches and looking for a job.

At the divorce the husband is represented by a lawyer, the wife cannot afford one and represents herself. The court awards the husband the house, all of its contents and full custody of the children. The wife is awarded half the savings/checking/retirement assets and is order to pay monthly child support.

I've detailed the facts to the best of my knowledge and I have left out the he said/she said things that may or may not be true. My question is do you think this was a fair and just divorce settlement?

The catch is that while I presented the facts as accurately as I could I did reverse the gender roles. The woman is the college educated professional hooking up with a old boyfreind and the man is the jobless GED stay at home parent.

Does that change your opinion about whether the divorce settlement was fair or not?

[Nekojin]

*snip*
My question is do you think this was a fair and just divorce settlement?

Given the information presented, it sounds reasonably fair. Cheating doesn't make one a bad parent; the two are unrelated. By the account given, the father is better able to provide a safe, stable home for the children, so custody should go to him, and the mother should be providing support payments so that the entire burden of raising the kids isn't on the dad's shoulders. With their respective situations, however, I'd expect payments to be fairly low. It's not a stretch to believe that the wife could have found a job if she hadn't gotten married, and the marriage, pregnancy, and taking care of the kids were detrimental to her ability to work (or find work). Whether she chose to argue that in court is another matter.

The catch is that while I presented the facts as accurately as I could I did reverse the gender roles. The woman is the college educated professional hooking up with a old boyfreind and the man is the jobless GED stay at home parent.

Does that change your opinion about whether the divorce settlement was fair or not?

Aside from the pregnancy issue, not at all.

[s_stabeler]

the settlement itself was pretty fair, although it DOES depend on how much the child support is. what might get sticky is the custody issue. Specifically, does the dad get visitation? ( and how much?)

so yeah, likely to be pretty fair, assuming reasonable child support and reasonable visitation.

[crashhelmet]

Yeah, my only concern is the amount of the custody payments. In most situations, they're a percentage of their income. Some judges like to jack it up to insane amounts base don what the other parent "could" earn or the lifestyle they believe the kids should live in.

Otherwise, it's completely fair regardless of the gender roles

[gremcint]

I'm sorry but I do have to say, throwing things is physical violence.

[Andara Bledin]

So.

Person A. Educated, bread-winner, cheater.
Person B. GED, stay-at-home-parent, violent.
Person A gets the kids, the house, and child support.
Person B gets half the checking, savings, and retirement accounts.

Without knowing the values on any of that, my assumption is that B gained quite a bit, financially, considering that all of the accounts were in A's name, and thus, not accessible by B to begin with. Unless they were living beyond their means, there should be a not inconsiderable sum left to B.

There are things that we do not know that can have a substantial effect on how things fall out. Why were all accounts in A's name only? Was B untrustworthy or unreliable? Did B have a history of violence beyond the fight? Why did B only have a GED despite being married for three years prior to becoming a stay at home parent? What sort of job did B have prior to that? How long was A unfaithful? How much money did A give to the old flame?

Interestingly enough, many of the other questions I had regarding the situation went away as soon as it was revealed that the genders were reversed. It takes a lot for a violent woman to be removed from her kids, but a violent father is out the door with barely any corroboration.

^-.-^

[HYHYBT]

Oh, there are plenty of reasons not to get more education if you're married and planning to live on one income anyway. Mainly, it's expensive! And most people don't want to think about or act on "what if we divorce" contingencies, because they see that as planning to fail.

[bex1218]

I refuse to share bank accounts with people and I def. would like to have a job, no matter the need for money. Could always save up for something. I also like making my own money.

[Nekojin]

Oh, there are plenty of reasons not to get more education if you're married and planning to live on one income anyway. Mainly, it's expensive! And most people don't want to think about or act on "what if we divorce" contingencies, because they see that as planning to fail.

People who view it that way are fools. "What if we divorce" is way down the list of reasons for contingency plans. "What if the other person dies" or "what if the other person gets injured and can't work" are far better reasons for both (or all) to be self-sufficient.

[Seifer]

Personally, I think it's unfair whether the genders are switched around or not.

In my opinion, the cheating spouse should be hung up to dry in a divorce since they're the one who went outside the marriage and inevitably started the ball rolling on a family break-up. They can have shared custody of any children, but the other spouse would have to have some serious mental issues for the cheating spouse to get full custody.

[draco664]

Personally, I think it's unfair whether the genders are switched around or not.

In my opinion, the cheating spouse should be hung up to dry in a divorce since they're the one who went outside the marriage and inevitably started the ball rolling on a family break-up. They can have shared custody of any children, but the other spouse would have to have some serious mental issues for the cheating spouse to get full custody.

I disagree 100%.

Violence trumps infidelity in terms of a reason to deny custody.

[jackfaire]

Every adult should be educated and working. I don't agree with stay at home parenting no matter the age of the children with the exception of special cases such as an autistic child.

In a case like this the stay at home parent is little more than a child themselves relying only on the adult partner to support them instead of supporting themselves.

The parent that takes care of their adult responsibilities should be the one assigned custody as they can take care of the children.

The one that is relying entirely on the other adult to take care of them should not get custody because how are they going to support and take care of the children when they can't take care of themselves without charity from the other adult.

Cheating as pointed out has nothing to do with the children or ones ability to parent. Why a couple breaks up has jack to do with other factors.

[tropicsgoddess]

Regardless of gender and role, it's unfair to me that the husband got most of the assets. But as for the custody, I can understand that after she was a stay at home mom for so long and hasn't had a job in forever, is deemed as unfit to provide stable financial support.

[KnitShoni]

Every adult should be educated and working. I don't agree with stay at home parenting no matter the age of the children with the exception of special cases such as an autistic child.

Why not? You disagreeing with it does not change that possibility that it might be what's best for a particular family. Every adult is not able to be educated or working.

[MaggieTheCat]

You guys do realize that there are other reasons why people don't or can't work full-time to support themselves other than being deadbeats, or stay-at-home-parents. A friend of mine came down with a very rare and very serious illness over three years ago, she is still recovering from it and can't work more than 20 hours a week at a sit-down desk job without literally having to pass out for 10-12 or more hours a day. She gets exhausted very easily. If she had kids, I have no doubt she wouldn't be able to work as much as she does, if at all. Does her husband support her? Yes, and she does what she can to supplement that, but if she were on her own, she would not be able to work enough to support herself by herself. She is about as far from a "deadbead" as I know, she works her ass off as much as she is able.

Sorry for the but I don't think it's fair to associate all people who don't work or can't fully support themselves on their own as "children."