Why is it not ok to "slutshame" but it is to "virginshame"?

[s_stabeler]

I still don't get why people who have had gay sex can't donate blood. This is 2013, haven't they figured out that gay sex isn't the cause of AIDS yet?

because when the rule was brought in, AIDS was seen as confined to the gay community, and they haven't got around to changing it yet?

[HYHYBT]

because when the rule was brought in, AIDS was seen as confined to the gay community, and they haven't got around to changing it yet?

That's a good short answer. Here comes the long one:

The actual safety of the blood supply is important, but so is its PERCEIVED safety; it doesn't do any good to have a good supply if people are afraid to use it. When the restriction was enacted, 1977 was a lot closer than it is now and HIV tests, while available, were expensive as well as not showing a positive for a good while after the virus was actually present. (I don't think they do it like this anymore, but I remember reading that while they did test for HIV, because of the cost they did a sort of batch test rather than running each unit separately. Which meant one positive would make something like 50 units unuseable.) Add to that the fact that, at least to the average person's understanding, only gay people and drug users had AIDS unless you got blood from one of them and the general disgust for gay men, particularly, that was far stronger and more prevalent than it is now, and "even once since 1977" made sense.

So why is it still in place? First, there's that perceived safety again: some people still think gay=diseased, for one thing. And sooner or later, infected blood, whatever the source, not only WILL get through, but will result in an infection attributed to the transfusion. If that happens after restrictions are lessened, it will be blamed on that in the public eye. Second, all the restrictions (and the list is long, and some ate less sensible than this one) have in common that there is not going to be any strong demand for their removal unless there are routinely not enough willing, eligible donors. There's simply no NEED, outside of fairness... and after all, NOT donating blood is less trouble than donating it.

[guywithashovel]

Also, it seems to me that many (though certainly not all) people who complain about getting slut shamed could solve this problem if they could just learn to keep their mouths shut. Sure, you may have lost your virginity at fourteen and have averaged over three sexual partners a year since then, but do the rest of us really need to hear about that?

And to be clear, I'm not saying there's anything objectively wrong with losing your virginity at a young age, having multiple sex partners, or even having sex outside of marriage. Sure, some religious groups object to those things, but other than that, there's nothing wrong with it. Still, try to keep it to yourself.

I can't help but wonder if many of those charged with slut shaming just get tired of hearing this stuff from the alleged victims. I don't have any moral objections to people having bowel movements, but if someone comes into the room and says, "Boy, I just took my third dump of the day, and boy do I feel awesome! Fifteen pounds lighter, too!" then I'm going shake my head and be like "Gee, thanks for the overshare."

[Rapscallion]

but if someone comes into the room and says, "Boy, I just took my third dump of the day, and boy do I feel awesome! Fifteen pounds lighter, too!" then I'm going shake my head and be like "Gee, thanks for the overshare."

I'd applaud and try to arrange a Mexican wave.

I love being me.

Rapscallion

[guywithashovel]

I guess we all look at things differently, then.

To add to the original idea, though, "slut shaming" is, for the most part, shaming people, women in particular, for being sexually active. Sometimes it's done in a general sense, too, and not in response to anything anyone said.
In most cases, though, unless you have an ex with a loose tongue, no one is going to know your sex life unless you make it known.

[XCashier]

Why is someone's sexual life anyone else's business? Unless you're that person's doctor or potential sex partner, you don't need to know.

[guywithashovel]

For the most part, that's what I was saying, only I approached it from a different angle.

[Bright Star]

IF someone is that worried about someone else being a virgin then they don't have enough going on in their life that they're too concerned with someone elses.

[Panacea]

I still don't get why people who have had gay sex can't donate blood. This is 2013, haven't they figured out that gay sex isn't the cause of AIDS yet?

HIV infection rates are actually on the rise in the gay community again. We have a new generation of young gays who missed out on the horrors of the early AIDS epidemic in the 80's, and don't fear the disease the way they should. They mistake the treatments (which are getting better and better) for a cure, which they are not, not yet.

Add that to HYHYBT's good post on blood safety and the perception of blood safety, and you have the answer. The blood supply is still at risk, and there's no point in accepting blood that is just going to have to be discarded.

because when the rule was brought in, AIDS was seen as confined to the gay community, and they haven't got around to changing it yet?

Actually we knew HIV was also in the general population, most notably in the hemophiliac population (though they usually got it through transfusion, not unsafe sex), but the hysteria made it hard for people to see the truth for what it was.

Heck, we had politicians talking about "leper colonies" for HIV + people, then and even now on occasion.

[PepperElf]

I would bet that the people who virgin shame are the same ones who slut shame.

could be. after all some assholes are assholes to everyone.

although i know some virgins who'd slutshame too, out of envy. cos some girls out there think any girl that has the man they want is a "slut". not because the other girl IS a slut but because... it's easier to put the other girl down vs admitting "he's just not that into *YOU*"

[AmbrosiaWriter]

Of course then you get those people who don't believe you if you were to tell them you're virgin. -.- I honestly didn't know whether to be flattered, annoyed, offended, or pissed off. I definitely wasn't flattered (Oh.. uhm? Thanks for thinking I'm so attractive that I must've had sex? I guess?)

I think I settled on really annoyed and when the Boss (it was a casual mom and pop store) came down and asked why I had a Thundercloud over my head and I told him, he really gave my coworker a good what-for.

I wish the US could move on from this weird obsession with "virgin-not virgin." I suppose it's still a remnant of our Puritan roots? I suppose? Still really annoying.

[Amanita]

One thing I hate is that these days, you have to have some sort of "excuse" in order to be modest. For example, me. I am not comfortable being nude in front of others, even in women's change rooms at the pool. I go into a bathroom stall and change there. I don't care if it's another female, or how many other nude bodies somebody else has seen, I still don't want other random people seeing me naked. I'd have to feel very comfortable and trusting of somebody before that changes.

Even in public, I prefer to cover a lot of my skin. I only wear long skirts, and have to have something like biker shorts underneath.

For feeling that way, I'm considered unnatural, and pathologized- there must be something wrong with me, I must be some sort of repressed prude. Now, if I were to say "I'm an abuse/assault survivor" or "My religion requires it", More people are likely to understand. But simple choice isn't a "good enough" reason- being modest is seen as freaky or unnatural. Even a friend of mine who is quite shameless, kind of guilt trips me over the fact that it takes longer for me to get changed after we go swimming. I've got a lot more hair to deal with, more clothing, and I don't feel comfortable just stripping off in front of everyone, or just kicking and shoving other people's belongings out of the way to get at my locker, like he does. (That's just rude, and one of these days, somebody is going to want to make something of it)

Modesty in general gets a bad rap here- people associate it with repression and frumpiness, which isn't always the case at all. You can be beautifully dressed and modest at the same time, it's not about dressing drably, or in frumpy clothes. And not all of us who believe in modesty are repressed, or "haters!"

I guess my other issue with "slut shaming" is that those of us who advocate for modesty are often accused of "slut shaming", when we mean nothing of the sort. There's a world of difference between saying that perhaps exposed g-strings and butt cracks shouldn't be seen in public, and calling somebody a slut for wearing something.
Those of us who believe in certain standards of modesty aren't trying to force women into burkas here!

[the_std]

Those of us who believe in certain standards of modesty aren't trying to force women into burkas here!

My problem with this mentality, as with both slut- and virgin-shaming, is that it's a matter of trying to reinforce your (generic you) comfort levels or standards of living on other people, when their lives and the way they conduct themselves has little to no bearing on the way you live.

What you think may be modest might be uncomfortably overdressed for someone else. What you think of slutty behaviour might just be someone else letting loose and having fun. What you think of sad virgin behaviour might be a happy, comfortable existence for the person exhibiting it.

All of this could be solved with a "live and let live" mentality that not many want to embrace.

[Amanita]

I certainly don't advocate that everyone wear long skirts like mine, or that anyone who shows cleavage is some sort of hussy.
I DO draw the line at getting a faceful of somebody's bare butt while riding the bus, or otherwise in areas where nudity's not cool though. Places like locker rooms or clothing optional areas are different. Nudity in a locker room's okay. Likewise clothing optional areas or other areas where nudity is accepted. And I thought that the bodypainted skyclad dancers at the Spiral Dance ritual I attended in 2009 were more adorable than anything. But those are places where it's okay. General public isn't like that.

I won't get upset at seeing somebody's bare butt in the change room, but wouldn't want to see it in a restaurant or on the bus when they bend over in super low rise pants, sans underwear.

[hinakiba777]

Of course then you get those people who don't believe you if you were to tell them you're virgin. -.- I honestly didn't know whether to be flattered, annoyed, offended, or pissed off. I definitely wasn't flattered (Oh.. uhm? Thanks for thinking I'm so attractive that I must've had sex? I guess?)

I hate this. I had a few guys I dated casually who could not believe I was a virgin. This horrified me. I just kept imagining the relationship progressing to a sexual one and the guy charging forward without the correct level of care. From what I understand, having ones hymen break hurts.
On top of that, it's just plain insulting. Initial disbelief is one thing, but when people continue to insist that you are lying about your virginity it's really rude to call someone a liar.
I think the worst thing is when people start to ask qualifying questions. "Have you ever this?" or "do you ever that" and the ever favorite "Don't you want to?" It's personal, and I don't wish to discuss it.

I just hate when people who lost it when they were 13 tell me that I am foolish for waiting, because it's "always horrible the first time." Not because they lost their virginity when they were young, but because you can only lose your virginity once. I know just as many people who said it wasn't that bad as it was horrible.

I think that "slut shaming" and "virgin shaming" are both wrong. However, if one brags about their sexual conquests or complains to everyone about their lack of sexual experience, they open themselves to derision. Whether you have sex with someone or not is your own business, and people should leave it alone.