Premarital sex: bad or good? Or neither?

[Amethyst Hunter]

Because this has come up about twice in separate threads, so throwing it out there for curiosity's sake...

Do you think premarital sex is a good, bad, or neutral thing? Why/why not?

For most of my life I've been pretty indifferent to sex in general; however, I still have this tiny leftover wretched streak of conservatism that goes "OMG premarital sex = you're a ho-bag damned to hell!" that comes from being raised in a predominantly and traditionally conservative area/culture. For this reason, I doubt that if I were ever to become involved with someone I'd seriously consider having sex with, I'd go the premarital route. I don't like that kind of guilt-tripping, but sometimes feelings can overrule anything else. And how I view myself is more important than whether or not I'm a statistical anomaly.

However, I don't care if anyone else does or doesn't do it. And I really have to wonder about the validity of any religion that places a higher premium on virginity than how one conducts oneself in regards to treatment of others. Granted, some people do have sex for all the wrong reasons. But I'm not about to condemn anybody for having premarital sex either. I can see the benefits and disadvantages of doing *and* not doing it:

Premarital, in favor of:

- get to know what you like
- get to know what your partner likes
- less stress of a wedding night, if relationship leads to marriage
- sex in general has health benefits (proven scientific studies!)

Premarital, not in favor of:

- especially for teenagers, risks (physical and emotional) outweigh benefits
- if religious, can affect this viewpoint
- if in bad relationship, can cause personal and legal problems

So I suppose my view of it in general would be neutral, and from a personal standpoint, I myself just wouldn't do it for - you guessed it - personal reasons.

Talk amongst yourselves...

[DrT]

Honestly, to me sex is a fun activity that I wouldn't forbid myself for any reason other than safety.
If a safe way to get at it is possible, then I'm all for it. I'm married now, so I can't be that enthousiastic , but it's the message I'll pass down to my sons (which will happen soon, oldest is 11): if you can have fun, go for it. But use a condom or I'll whip your ass (condom is provided to a certain extend).

The only downside of premarital sex I can see are the emotional ones. However I don't see how mariage will make these emotional issues any easier. As a matter of fact, a person not having sex may direct him/herself towards mariage for the wrong reasons (ie: have a go at it) and that's just a divorce in the making.

Moreover, emotional issues in pre-mariage relationship can happen without the sex...
oh, and your statement:

- especially for teenagers, risks (physical and emotional) outweigh benefits

I don't understand it.
emotional risks, as I said, do not require sex. There are certain emotional pain that are especially associated with sex, sure, but a strong education on that and a cultur eof talking openly about these issues will help.
physical.... you mean STDs ? Again, this risk is lessened in an open environement: if the child knows his parents are cool with him/her butterflying around, they don't need to hide a sexual relationship and can get all the info, communication, and support they need.
They won't get that in a 'no sex before mariage' family, and I'd wager that in such a setting the risks are higher, because the rebelious teenager will want to take risks simply to spite the family. But I can't back that up (except maybe with the rate of teen pregnancies, but it's a multifactorial issue).

[vanima]

Honestly, premarital sex is one of those things that I don't understand why someone wouldn't WANT to have.

for example: I learned what i like and disliked and was able to experiment AND get to know what differently people liked..

I know that if I would have stayed a virgin until i got married.. i would have regretted it because I would have denied a part of myself. I try to not deny myself anything, and sex... well sex is a very important factor in my life... I am a sexual person.. *shrug*

I do not believe that children are getting enough information to make informed SAFE decisions. Many are getting the abstanence factor pushed onto them and not getting information on condoms or other forms of birth control and STD prevention.

I am all for education (at home AND at school) that actually INFORMS teens on prevention and what not...


*btw.. sorry for the spelling errors.. i am half asleep as it is 3am*

[Cat]

I can understand if you are against premarital sex for religious reason, hey that's your own thing, stick to your beliefs

Personally, I see sex as an rather enjoyable act, a way to express feelings, and I'm the type who will only be in a monogamous relationship, I don't see why I need a ritual to be allowed to have sex.

Though I must say, I have good friend who is getting married soon who is religious and is waiting....more power to him!

To each their own.....I can only see this being a issue if one person is for waiting, and the other isn't....

[anriana]

As a kinky person, I could not imagine not having sex before making a lifelong commitment to my partner. I need to be sure that they are on the same wavelength as me, sexuality-wise, before doing that, and all the talk in the world won't tell you how well you play with someone.

As a queer person, I am never going to get married, for multiple reasons, and I'm sure as hell not going to be celibate my entire life.

I find the whole "no sex before marriage" a relic of a time when marriage was used to control women's sexuality and ensure the paternity of children. It really has no public place in modern times. The "True Love Waits" and abstince-only education movements disgust me and are fucking up this generation as they have no measureable effect other than lowering the likelihood of using contraception (and I'm sure they're causing all sorts of psychosis.) I don't care what quaint rituals conservatives want to practice, but they shoud keep them out of public policy.

[DrT]

I find the whole "no sex before marriage" a relic of a time when marriage was used to control women's sexuality and ensure the paternity of children.

I do believe the whole 'abstinence before mariage' movement is all about control. Women and men alike, but particularly women. Back to the good ol' days, basically.

Don't get me wrong: if you want to wait, fine by me. It's the pushing your ideas on others that iritates me, and it can be any number of ideas.

America is truly a one of a kind country: for a westernized country, the ties to religion and its values are extremely strong. I can't vouch for all of Europe, but I know that in many of its countries the idea of an abstinence advocacy program would be utterly alien.
What's the take on it in Canada or Australia ?

[AdminAssistant]

I don't understand it. emotional risks, as I said, do not require sex. There are certain emotional pain that are especially associated with sex, sure, but a strong education on that and a cultur eof talking openly about these issues will help.
physical.... you mean STDs ?

One issue with teens and sex I see (and have experienced) is that women aren't being taught to stand their ground and say "No" and MEAN IT. Date rape is a very emotionally and physically traumatic thing - something that I'm still not completely over although that relationship ended 7 years ago. Teens just aren't prepared to deal with that.

[The Shadow]

I say sex before marriage is fine...so long as it doesn't hold up the ceremony and keep all your guests waiting.

[Boozy]

America is truly a one of a kind country: for a westernized country, the ties to religion and its values are extremely strong. I can't vouch for all of Europe, but I know that in many of its countries the idea of an abstinence advocacy program would be utterly alien.
What's the take on it in Canada or Australia ?

The majority here in Canada consider abstinence-only education to be laughable. There is obviously a minority of people here who disagree with that sentiment, but for the most part it is not discussed in any serious manner.

Here in Ontario, students are given sex education at the age of about 12, in 7th grade. I remember it to be both frank and extensive.

[MadMike]

Here in Ontario, students are given sex education at the age of about 12, in 7th grade. I remember it to be both frank and extensive.

Even that is probably a bit on the late side. By then, they're already getting all kinds of information from friends, some of which may not be entirely correct. Or worse yet, they could already be having sex. As much as we may not want to think about it, it does happen. My son just started high school, and he knows some girls his age or even a year or two younger who became pregnant, had a pregnancy scare, or are considering becoming sexually active.

I wasn't doing anything at a young age like that, but when my parent's had "the talk" with me at the age of 11, I had already heard most of it. I chose to have the talk with my son when he was 10. It was an interesting conversation, to say the least.

I say sex before marriage is fine...so long as it doesn't hold up the ceremony and keep all your guests waiting.

That's just wrong. Funny, but wrong.

Honestly, premarital sex is one of those things that I don't understand why someone wouldn't WANT to have.

Same here. Sex is something that's perfectly natural, and can be a healthy, beautiful thing. And to suppress your urges like that just seems unnatural.

I really don't see why some people make such a big deal about sex before marriage. Sex after marriage -- now that's the myth!

[MystyGlyttyr]

Well, at first mine was religious because I was raised Catholic, but then even as I fell away from that particular religion, I still didn't feel right about sex outside of marriage. Then, once I thought about it, I realized my reasons weren't even so much the marriage part. It's just that saying "premarital" is the easiest word to use.

To me, having sex...this is hard to phrase just right but I'll try. I understand why it's fun to some people, and why they enjoy it, and why they would want to experiment with it, and I have no issue with that. But I feel that there really can be no such thing as purely safe heterosexual sex because there always seems to be a chance, no matter how tiny, of pregnancy happening. I mean, the man has a vasectomy and low sperm count, the woman has a tubal and is on birth control, and they used a condom...but there is still, however remote, a chance that it could all fail. Condoms fail like, 13% of the time, vasectomies have been reported to reverse THEMSELVES, eggs jump the breach all the time.

Now, if the couple is okay with the thought of a baby coming, and they can handle it, then okay, fine. But there's so many that would get pregnant and go "well, oops" and go get an abortion, which I really, REALLY have very personal issues with. So, to me, I suppose the issue isn't even the sex so much as it is what could result from it. So I guess what I'm actually against is sex where the couple isn't prepared for all the possible repercussions.

It's hard to put into words, but that's the best try I can get.

(So far as the abortion thing, that would be a very difficult explanation...I won't hold it against a woman who's had one, but I just can't be for it unless it's an absolute medical necessity. Suffice it to say that it wouldn't be any reason you had heard before and leave it at that.)

[anriana]

Well, at first mine was religious because I was raised Catholic, but then even as I fell away from that particular religion, I still didn't feel right about sex outside of marriage. Then, once I thought about it, I realized my reasons weren't even so much the marriage part. It's just that saying "premarital" is the easiest word to use.

I don't see how "premarital" is a synonym for "not prepared to have a child if contraception fails," which is how you seem to be using it.

But I feel that there really can be no such thing as purely safe heterosexual sex because there always seems to be a chance, no matter how tiny, of pregnancy happening.

Cunnilingus? Fellatio? Anal? BDSM without P-in-V intercourse?

Condoms fail like, 13% of the time,

Only if the people using them don't bother to use use them correctly.

[AFPheonix]

It's really a personal preference. My husband and I had been having sex for years before we got married. I had a slight twinge at first because I was still freeing myself from the church, but frankly, they make such an overblown issue of it that it was like, "that's it?" for me. Don't get me wrong, it's fun, but it's not the whole blown up event abstinence advocates make it out to be.

So for me, I'm neutral on it. People need to decide what's best for themselves, and I'm cool with that. I made the decision to have sex before and I don't regret that one bit. I have like, anti-regret

[Teysa]

I guess I've been having pre-marital sex for years now. Mind you I've been with the same person for several years now and he's the only one I've ever done anything with, but we're still not married in the technical sense of the word. There are a lot of reasons for that, which I won't go into here, but suffice it to say that I've come to terms with them and I've chosen to share my life with him, piece of paper or no.

I do think premarital sex is something that shouldn't be taken lightly and teenagers need to be taught early on about the possible consequences. They also need to be taught about all of the possible ways to prevent said consequences, whether it be abstinence, condoms, or other forms of birth control.

[vanima]

Same here. Sex is something that's perfectly natural, and can be a healthy, beautiful thing. And to suppress your urges like that just seems unnatural.

I really don't see why some people make such a big deal about sex before marriage. Sex after marriage -- now that's the myth!

that is exactly what i mean.. it is a NATURAL process... I don't understand suppressing urges at all


if i wanna have a cookie.. i will have a cookie.. if i wanna have sex... i will have sex... nothing wrong with either (except the cookie will make me fatter.. but whatever )

and on the second part... I am married... sex is completely mythological now