Premarital sex: bad or good? Or neither?

[Boozy]

So because I don't want to have sex I'm silly and anti-fun? My life is less enjoyable? I know it is not how you meant it (at least I hope not) but this seems to be in the same as saying 'if you don't have sex, you must be miserable or there's simply something wrong with you.'

I believe Flyndaran was addressing a very specific issue in that post; namely, the fear of pregnancy. I read his statement more as "If you're desperately horny and feel physically and mentally ready to have sex, it's silly to deny yourself that pleasure because you're terrified of pregnancy."

If you use condoms properly, your odds of pregnancy are low. If a pregnancy would be a disaster for you, I'd recommend using both condoms and some form of hormonal birth control, like the Depo shot or the Pill.

All of the stories I've heard about people getting pregnant despite using two or more forms of birth control have been on the internet. I do not know of anyone in real life to whom that has happened. I draw certain conclusions from that; take that as you will.

[Sylvia727]

Sex is just an activity; it's the social, emotional, psychological and whatever else attachments to the activity that cause problems and benefits, at least from where I'm standing. Physically, there are benefits and risks, which are fairly straightforward and easy to evaluate. Emotionally and psychologically, people attach meaning to the activity. They place value or shame on themselves, their partners, and their relationships. Socially, people conform to or confront society's expectations of them and their sexuality.

Sex is also part of a social construct. One's neighbors and peers influence not only how one handles one's sexuality in public (think: marriage), but also how one feels about sex, the various forms of it, and the people who have it in its different forms and settings. Homosexuality was almost never, if ever, accepted in previous societies and still isn't in many others. Yes, this king or that emperor was flamingly flamboyant, but they still got married to a woman and fathered little kinglets.

Whether premarital sex is good, bad, or neither would depend entirely on the people having it and the context in which they do. A useful shortcut that I often use is to look at the results. A couple feels better about themselves and their partners? Good. Someone feels hurt and lonely? Bad. Someone gets an STD or an unwanted pregnancy? Bad. Someone gets stoned as an adulterer? Well, bad; unless they evaluated the risks and decided a sufficiently earth-moving orgasm would be worth death. (No, of course I'm not advocating legalized murder, but I still wonder about people who know the risks of unacceptable forms of sex in their society and took them anyway. Bravery and stupidity are often the same action seen from different perspectives.)

[LewisLegion]

Again. You want to wait? Great. I didn't. That's just my personal take on things.

And that's fine I choose to wait, you chose not to, and neither way is 'right' or 'wrong'.

I'll have to re-read Flyn's post...I didn't see any mention of pregnancy there but it's very possible I missed something.

I believe that what people do is between them and their conscience. My reasons for remaining abstinant are my reasons and opinions. I don't think anyone else is 'wrong' for choosing otherwise.

My upset comes in that it has become so rare in today's society that people choose to abstain that most actually think that something must be wrong with a person if they choose not to have sex. I get it all the time which is probably why I responded (most likely hastily) the way I did to Flyn's post. I get asked if I was abused (I was, but that is not the reason I abstain), if I have a health issues, if I have poor self-esteem...people seem shocked because I look attractive enough (because the ONLY reason that someone wouldn't have sex is because they must be too ugly to get it *insert eyeroll*). I get told I must be lonely, I must be boring, I must be sad, I must have something mentally wrong, don't I want to have fun? Don't I want to enjoy myself?

NO ONE seems to accept the idea that I choose to wait until I'm married, that my life is just fine, that if I never have sex at all...I'm fine with that. I'm happy, friendly, and know very well how to enjoy myself.

Society today just seems so sex-driven that nowadays people can't be considered 'normal' if they choose not to indulge. They're considered insane or 'stupid' because why should you deny yourself a 'natural urge'.

There are plenty of natural urges that civilized human beings deny themselves...either for health or safety reasons or simply to wait for an appropriate setting.

There is nothing wrong with me because I choose to abstain. There's nothing wrong with anyone who chooses not to have sex. There's nothing wrong with someone who chooses NOT to abstain so long as they're with a willing of-age partner. That's all I'm saying.

[Amethyst Hunter]

My upset comes in that it has become so rare in today's society that people choose to abstain that most actually think that something must be wrong with a person if they choose not to have sex. I get it all the time which is probably why I responded (most likely hastily) the way I did to Flyn's post. I get asked if I was abused (I was, but that is not the reason I abstain), if I have a health issues, if I have poor self-esteem...people seem shocked because I look attractive enough (because the ONLY reason that someone wouldn't have sex is because they must be too ugly to get it *insert eyeroll*). I get told I must be lonely, I must be boring, I must be sad, I must have something mentally wrong, don't I want to have fun? Don't I want to enjoy myself?

NO ONE seems to accept the idea that I choose to wait until I'm married, that my life is just fine, that if I never have sex at all...I'm fine with that. I'm happy, friendly, and know very well how to enjoy myself.

Society today just seems so sex-driven that nowadays people can't be considered 'normal' if they choose not to indulge. They're considered insane or 'stupid' because why should you deny yourself a 'natural urge'.

I hear that. I get this on rare occasion from my younger brother, who - you guessed it - had premarital sex at 16 and wound up getting an STD scare to show for it. (Thankfully, it turned out just to be a really stubborn cold. I don't know whether or not he used any protection, but something tells me he wasn't as up-to-speed on the risks as I was) Bro doesn't get that I'm just not interested, and when making out (nothing X-rated, just general normal happy-married-people stuff) with SIL will say things like "she needs to learn this sometime" if SIL is like, "dude, in front of your sister?"

I've decided that if he does this again, I'm going to bring up that teenaged incident, and go "Okay, Bro, if I take your advice and go out and mess around and wind up in deep shit (aka STD or unwanted pregnancy; with my luck I would end up in deep shit), you gonna pay for the medication/abortion that I'd promptly get? Yeah, didn't think so."

It really is amazing sometimes how other people can be so obsessed with the sex lives (or lack thereof) that don't belong to them...

[Boozy]

I'll have to re-read Flyn's post...I didn't see any mention of pregnancy there but it's very possible I missed something.

Actually, I think you and I were referencing different posts by Flyn in this thread. So no, you didn't miss anything.

[blas87]

Well, I wouldn't buy a car without test driving it first. I tend to try clothes on before I buy them....

I wouldn't want to not find out until it was too late that my husband has ED or a Centimeter Peter, or to find out that he treats my nipples like radio tuners and my clitoris like a stuck button on the remote control.

I'm not one to immediately rush into sex, but I think exploring one another's bodies and learning what each other likes is very important. I also think that it's important to know your partner's boundaries before you get into anything extremely serious.

I don't care much for people who act all self righteous and say "Well I waited and that made it better." Good for you. I don't jump on every single guy I meet or go on dates with, so don't talk to me as if I'm in the wrong or am a whore.

[DesignFox]

Well, I wouldn't buy a car without test driving it first. I tend to try clothes on before I buy them....

I wouldn't want to not find out until it was too late that my husband has ED or a Centimeter Peter, or to find out that he treats my nipples like radio tuners and my clitoris like a stuck button on the remote control.

Where's that spew smiley? Sorry blas, but the way you worded that is hysterical to me.



I don't think anyone here is putting anyone else down, but I am familiar with the attitude you are describing.

[Greenday]

I wouldn't want to not find out until it was too late that my husband has ED or a Centimeter Peter, or to find out that he treats my nipples like radio tuners and my clitoris like a stuck button on the remote control.

blas, you have taught me more interesting phrases and words this week than I've learned in awhile. Thank you.

I mean, what if you get into a relationship, never test drive, then get married and it's like throwing a hot dog down a hall way? What if you try it and your partner says they never want to do it again? You're SOL. Being physical is still part of a relationship. Unless both people don't want to be physical, it won't be a healthy relationship.

[Slytovhand]

it's like throwing a hot dog down a hall way

Greenday - are you trying to compete with Blas for new interesting phrases???

[Greenday]

Greenday - are you trying to compete with Blas for new interesting phrases???

Naw, she'd kick my ass.

[blas87]

Nah, I feel we'd be pretty even on that one.

I really did mean that previous post in all seriousness.....it's just that I'm really not a very diplomatic person and can never word things in an adult manner

I've always thought the hotdog down a hallway is just classic.

But since I'm still awake and in a crazy mood from sniffing my eraser all night at work, here we go:

If we didn't have sex before marriage, what if the guy never realized his woman was a total freak, but not the good type? She'd tear his clothes off and say "Mmmm yes baby, pound me like a snare drum!" and he'd be like...oh no...........and the next thing he knows, he comes home from work and his wife has installed a mirror on the ceiling, a sex swingset in the family room, and she's waiting for him in the kitchen wearing nothing but a whipped cream bikini and holding a pair of fuzzy pink cammo handcuffs.

[Shangri-laschild]

I do not know of anyone in real life to whom that has happened. I draw certain conclusions from that; take that as you will.

I do. From what I understand, if I'm correct (and no, I don't have source to back this up), the percent that bc doesn't work is more of a "this percentage of people won't find bc effective" rather than "out of all the sexual encounters, this amount is the percentage where bc won't work." The woman I knew got pregnant twice on bc.

As far as premarital sex, I didn't used to agree with it for myself. When I was in a serious relationship my senior year of high school, I was still slowly breaking away from the church and sex was not something that I wasn't comfortable with. The guy I was dating wasn't too happy about that. In total, we dated for about a year and were talking a bit about getting engaged and he was planning on getting me a promise ring. To this day, I am so happy that I didn't have sex with him. Close though we were and even though I loved him, it wouldn't have been good for me. My next boyfriend knew how I had felt pressured by my previous one but seemed to think that since he wasn't an ass that we would end up having sex. Nope. It wasn't till my third serious relationship that I actually did.

Not only am I glad I waited as long as I did, I'm glad that I had it with who I did. I do think that maturity should go into it and if I do ever have kids, I want them to understand the importance of waiting till you feel mature and ready enough and not letting anyone push you into it, even if it's not your first time.

I guess I see a difference between different kinds of sex. There's casual sex, and sex with a partner that you are emotionally connected to as well (usually in a relationship, but not always). Yes, for other people there may be other kinds as well, but those are the ones when it comes to me. I guess while abstaining didn't really turn out to be right for me, I don't see anything wrong with it. Like I said, it's very important to wait till you're ready and some people don't feel ready till they are married. That's their own business.

Part of it comes down to how you see sex. Some people see it as a casual natural thing. Others see it as a very serious thing. While I enjoy it, if I was in a relationship where the other person wasn't ready to have it, fine. If the other person wasn't compatible at first, then it wouldn't be something I'd just dump them for. We would work on it to try to be compatible. I dont' really see how any one person can say "this is how sex should be handled overall" because honestly, it's a person to person thing.

[Flyndaran]

Actually, I think you and I were referencing different posts by Flyn in this thread. So no, you didn't miss anything.

That could be. I have a tendency to shorten my posts by assuming others have fully read my previous ones. I hate redundency, sometimes, even when needed.

Sex can be radically different to and for similar people.
There's also what I call the Bonobo-Swan scale. Some people are incapable of one SEXUAL partner for any length of time. This is not a character flaw. The only flaw is pretending they aren't until they snap and commit infidelity.
Others are incapable of sex without intense emotional bonding and trying to play the field will cause emotional damage. Most people are in the middle tilting one way or the other.
The best way to lead a fullfilling sexual life is simply to act according to your own needs and screw what society thinks, so to speak... and be honest to others as to what your needs are.

[HEMI6point1]

I believe in premarital sex. It's like a car: you have to test drive it before you buy it. Well what if I meet this great woman, we get married and find out she's a total dud in bed?

[Greenday]

I don't believe in premarital sex. It's like a car: you have to test drive it before you buy it. Well what if I meet this great woman, we get married and find out she's a total dud in bed?

Probably should fix that reply. I'm guessing you mean you DO believe in premarital sex?